Sunday, August 24, 2014
2 A.M. At The Cat's Pajamas
Earlier this year I hosted my own baby shower. I didn't like the fact that I had no relatives living close enough to through this shower for me but it was something I wanted to do as a right of passage. Mainly because I knew that this would be my only baby and also because I was in the processing of moving to the other side of the United States.
Ending one chapter in my life and beginning another one is something that is rather difficult for me. Maybe others find it no problem to transition from being childless to having children and moving to another city but I do. I still don't have a support system in place at my new duty station. I really didn't have a strong enough one at the last place I lived either but at least I had one. I still haven't made friends here. I'm a quiet person. I'm sure some probably find that hard to believe but it is true that I'm an introvert.
At my own baby shower I stayed in the kitchen for most of the day. I prepared the place for the shower. I made the decorations. I cleaned up the place after everyone left. I just felt out of sorts with so many people there that I didn't really know. Yes, I invited folks I barely knew to the shower because my husband worked with them and he wanted people there he would feel comfortable with too. It was nice meeting new people but also painful at the same time. I didn't know if I was being judged and found lacking or being judged and found satisfactory for a military spouse.
Often my fears of socializing keep me from going out to events that otherwise I'd love to attend. I judge myself too harshly and have too much baggage much like Sarina to fully enjoy myself and let go. Maybe it is a bit of good paranoia to wonder if the people around me are wanting to be my friends or if they are just wanting to be around me because they feel sorry for me. Either way I try to keep the true me veiled and end up holding myself back from succeeding in life. I really am the reason why my own life often doesn't live up to my own expectations.
This post was inspired by 2 A.M. At The Cat’s Pajamas by Marie-Helene Bertino, a novel about hope, love, and music in snow covered streets of Philadelphia. Join From Left to Write on August 28 we discuss 2 A.M. At The Cat’s Pajamas. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.