Wading Through the Chaos

Okay I do more than my fair share of complaining of late.  I know I know.  However, you'd complain too if you dealt with what I do.

Folks when you read through my blog posts do the majority of you skim them or do you read them fully?  If this is the first time you've found my blog do you read the "about me" section to find out more of what I've been through?

I only ask because some of the comments I get from annons and first timers seem to be sometimes off the wall.  I'd assume, but assuming anything isn't good, that perhaps they didn't read the "about me" section.

So last night was the monthly FRG meeting.  Ugh what a mess.  The FRG leader didn't show up.  They tried to joke about her taking a vacation but the second in command wasn't too happy about not being informed that she wouldn't be there as it made her not prepared.

The FRG is still throwing the commander's wife a baby shower.  She is due the day before me for her second child.  I wasn't the only one miffed at the funds going towards her shower.  There was a young couple at the meeting that was given a cheap baby blanket and a certificate in a one dollar frame for the arrival of their newborn.  How the heck is that fair?  How about the five other couples that are due in July?  Oh they will all get the cheap baby blanket and framed certificate too.  How do I know it is cheap?  They went over the expenditures this meeting.  Just over $21 was spent on each gift leaving our FRG with another $700 in the account.

Why wasn't some of this spent on the Organizational Day?  Why did the families have to pay for the swimming pool fees and bring food?  So much for a mandatory fun day with everything included. It was included if you brought it.  Where is the money going besides for the Commander's wife's baby shower is what I'd like to know.  Misappropriation of funds.

No child care is provided at the FRG meetings.  We have plenty of money to pay for it.  Instead those that have the floor have to almost scream to be heard over the cacophony that the children are making.  Seriously folks if you bring your child pay attention to them and don't be texting with your best bud while ignoring your child who is screaming and running around the room.  The FRG meeting is a place to find out information not your child's playground.

You know what?  I don't care if I lose another reader like I did over the pet peeve post.  This is after all my own blog.  I can state my own opinions here.  If you don't like it don't read it.

As for last week's high risk OB appointment.  The Army never released to my high risk OB the echocardiogram.  It took me calling the high risk OB twice this week to find out the progress of their confirmed fax.  Finally today they called me back to let me know they got their copy of it for tomorrow's appointment.  Today I have an appointment with my regular OB team.  This particular doctor I have never seen before.  I've no clue as to their gender, not like that matters all that much to me.  What matters is if they actually read my chart.

Last night I had a horrible headache in my right temple.  It hurt to touch the spot.  The contractions are getting to be more frequent.  I guess that is normal considering I have about 5 weeks left in the pregnancy.  Still we have no clue which way we'll be allowed to deliver the baby.  At this point I can almost guarantee that full natural delivery will not be allowed.  Most likely it will involve a possibility of being induced like they warned me for week 39, possible vacuum and or forceps as they won't want me to be pushing for too long.  All of this means I'll probably be on some sort of pain med too.  But this is just me assuming from all the research I've done on IUGR babies and PFOs complicated by all my other medical conditions.

Hey we knew this wasn't going to be an easy pregnancy.  I'm handicapped and I usually deal quite well with the various medical conditions that I have.  I won't be able to run marathons, ski down hill, ice skate, or swim 20 laps but I can love and care for my child to the best of my ability and help her in her interests.  If I can't do it I'll find someone that can help her.  Luckily J used to be a snowboard instructor so she is covered when it comes to fun on the slopes.

Now I'm just blathering on .

A Reminder Of Who I Am

I am an infertile.  I got my face slapped today by the results of the home pregnancy test.  It was of course a BFN.  Yes, this past week I did have two tests that had two lines.  Call it a chemical pregnancy if you will, call it evaporation lines.  I will have to re-evaluate my options once again.  Maybe I will seek out adoption.  Maybe I will still do donor eggs.

I am an Army Wife.  I know that when it all comes to a head I have a responsibility to my spouse and country.  I will try hard to not bring him shame that could affect his career adversely.

I am handicapped.  I will try my best each day to get my lazy handicapped butt out of bed.  Others tell me to rest and not try so hard.  If I didn't try I wouldn't accomplish any of my goals.  Its to easy to just quit.  I refuse to give up until all possibilities are exhausted.

While reading yesterday I came across a short story that I thought I'd share with my followers.  The author is unknown.

The Military Wife

     The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared.  She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one.  What's wrong with the standard model?"
     The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order?  She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or 40 with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location 10 times in 17 years.  And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."
     The angel shoook her head.  "Six pairs of hands?  No way."
     The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other military wives to help her.  And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired and be large enough to say, 'I understand,' when she doesn't and say, ' I love you,' regardless."
     "Lord," said the angel, touching his arm gently, "go to bed and get some rest.  You can finish this tomorrow."
     "I can't stop now," said the Lord.  "I am so close to creating something unique.  Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to her husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it's important that he leave."
     Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation.  "There is a leak," she announced.  "Something is wrong with the construction.  I am not surprised that it has cracked.  You are trying to put too much into this model."
     The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence.  "What you see is not a leak," he said.  "It's a tear."
     "A tear?  What is it there for?" asked the angel.
     The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."
     "You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
     The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

~Author Unknown

A Little Faith Makes All The Difference

Well I got up, cleaned up and dressed this morning.  I didn't want to but I felt that I needed to.  Truly today going to church did make a difference.

Maybe its the sense of community, that common bond that most of us humans seek out in our everyday lives that made me get up from my warm nest of covers.  Whatever it was I have no regrets about going.

I did have to use my cane today.  Both knees were buckling and my back was killing me.  At one point my left knee made a resounding pop while kneeling that my spouse asked me if I was okay.  While singing I got dizzy and almost asked J to hand me my rescue inhaler but I made it through by just lip syncing at the end.

There was no miraculous healing of my body.  That is not why I go to church.  I go for the soothing of my spirit and the nourishment of my soul.  I go to church knowing that I'm not the only one broken in more ways than one.  Some of us have hidden issues that we can't bring to the surface to discuss.  There is always that niggling fear of rejection and judgement from others especially those who have never walked in our shoes.

When asked today, "Why the cane?", I did my best to explain with the hope that none would judge me too young for so many problems.  Maybe I was the one who had prejudged them, thinking that they wouldn't understand.  Considering the mean age of the congregation is about 60 more than one did understand and I wasn't the only one using a cane.

I did feel a burden at breakfast, we have a church breakfast after mass, that J had to fill my plate.  I would have ended up spilling my plate my moves were so herky jerky today.  J can be really sweet, kind and considerate at times.  He knows when I use my cane, an outward voicing of my pain, that I need help that day.  I guess I need to speak up when I'm not using it so that he helps me then too.

So today I learned  much about the Lepers in the sermon and how it applies to my own issues.  I took away from the sermon that its okay to be crippled, handicapped, or having emotional hurts.  I don't have to shout out "unclean, unclean!" as I approach others but I do have to let them know that I might need a helping hand or else I might just have them staring at me wondering why I can't do for myself.  It truly is okay to ask for help within the community.  Not everyone is out to get me.  I can be accepted for who I am, not necessarily for what I can do for everyone.

Military Retirement Plan On Chopping Block

Oh great just what I needed to read this morning in my email.  The military is to have their benefits messed with again.  Read here to find out why I'm upset. 

I'm not sure why Congress thinks that we military families can afford to contribute to our own retirement.  Federal employees will still get their entitled retirement benefits without change so why is it that the military will have to suffer yet again?

I guess J and I are "lucky" to not have children on his pay.  If we had children like many of my friends with the same pay grade we'd not be able to contribute a single dime to the proposed changes.  I know of a few families that can barely afford to feed and clothe themselves on their wages.

Just yesterday J comes home from work and tells me that his co-worker is having to sell his wife's engagement ring because money is tight that month due to a bank error.  They are also selling the game systems and anything else they can afford to part with just to make sure that there is food on the table this month and gas in the tank.

So if they are the normal, a family of four or five on the same pay that J gets, how, just tell me how are they supposed to find money to contribute to their retirement fund?

Congress is making a big mistake by messing with the military benefits.  They are going to have a lot of the young troops refusing to stay in the military because its just not worth what they are willing to risk.

I would rather see my commissary and exchange hours cut or possibly disappear than to have to lose the retirement program that is in place right now.  Much as I don't like to shop off post, because shopping at the exchange means that the money I do spend goes to fund MWR projects in my community, I would go off post if it means that the retirement plan would be kept in place.

I have no voice.  My opinion counts for nothing.  Congress and the President will do as they see fit.  But I have yet to see anything good come of this particular presidency.  We are further in debt, our gas prices and food prices are higher and more benefits have been cut.  Foolish spending by our government in the big company bailouts have caused more poverty.

I'm just a handicapped person with no job, no children, and no retirement plan.  I have no voice.

But I'm still pissed.