24 Hours Makes A Big Difference

I woke up in pain.  A lot of pain.  Pain in my pelvis.  I knew without a doubt that I had just lost this pregnancy too.

Walking slowly into the bathroom I took the HPT and it was negative.  Yesterday's joy was gone.

I kind of knew the positive result wouldn't be long lived.  The nightmares had started before I woke up in pain.  Before my period starts I always get nightmares.  The PTSD nightmares.

Sure enough I'm bleeding.  It is a full bleed too.


I guess waking up to a dislocated finger on Friday morning wasn't enough for me to have over a weekend.  I have no clue just how I dislocated the finger but with hypermobile joints, fibromyalgia and a TBI it isn't likely that I would remember how I did the event that left my finger in pain.  I taped the ring finger on the right hand to the middle finger next to it.  I've done this before.  If the pain and swelling aren't less by tomorrow I'll call my PCM.  Right now to let the middle finger not be so stiff I have it freed from the tape.


The sinus infection is raging enough that I've woken up with broken capillaries on my left facial cheek, pain in the maxillary sinuses now too.  It was just located to the Ethimoid ,Sphenoid, and Frontal sinuses.  I guess the Maxillary sinuses got jealous and wanted in on the game?

Suffice it to say I ache.    I'm bleeding from my nose and vagina.  Not sure which end needs the feminine product more.  (trying for a little humor)

I'm not going to dwell on the chemical pregnancy or the horrible pain of this miscarriage either.  I have endometriosis and I really didn't expect it to be much different because it does affect my egg quality.  J and I will do one more natural cycle with some hope since we have time before we go on to the donor egg appointment in March.  Really what is $200 for an IUI when we will be spending just under $19,000.00 for the donor eggs not including the medicine?

I have yet to read or post the comments from everyone from yesterday.  I'll get to that next.  For now housework calls.  I'll work through this pain like I normally do.  Hey, I was scrubbing the utility room floor on Friday with a scrub brush on my knees with my finger disjointed.  I think I can take the pelvic pain. 



P.S.
Sorry to anyone that I haven't been commenting on your blogs as often this past week.  My wireless router had issues and had to be removed from the computer.  Time to go buy a new one.

A Reminder Of Who I Am

I am an infertile.  I got my face slapped today by the results of the home pregnancy test.  It was of course a BFN.  Yes, this past week I did have two tests that had two lines.  Call it a chemical pregnancy if you will, call it evaporation lines.  I will have to re-evaluate my options once again.  Maybe I will seek out adoption.  Maybe I will still do donor eggs.

I am an Army Wife.  I know that when it all comes to a head I have a responsibility to my spouse and country.  I will try hard to not bring him shame that could affect his career adversely.

I am handicapped.  I will try my best each day to get my lazy handicapped butt out of bed.  Others tell me to rest and not try so hard.  If I didn't try I wouldn't accomplish any of my goals.  Its to easy to just quit.  I refuse to give up until all possibilities are exhausted.

While reading yesterday I came across a short story that I thought I'd share with my followers.  The author is unknown.

The Military Wife

     The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared.  She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one.  What's wrong with the standard model?"
     The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order?  She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or 40 with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location 10 times in 17 years.  And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."
     The angel shoook her head.  "Six pairs of hands?  No way."
     The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other military wives to help her.  And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired and be large enough to say, 'I understand,' when she doesn't and say, ' I love you,' regardless."
     "Lord," said the angel, touching his arm gently, "go to bed and get some rest.  You can finish this tomorrow."
     "I can't stop now," said the Lord.  "I am so close to creating something unique.  Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to her husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it's important that he leave."
     Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation.  "There is a leak," she announced.  "Something is wrong with the construction.  I am not surprised that it has cracked.  You are trying to put too much into this model."
     The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence.  "What you see is not a leak," he said.  "It's a tear."
     "A tear?  What is it there for?" asked the angel.
     The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."
     "You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
     The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

~Author Unknown

Beta Today

I'm still on bed rest.  At 0200 hrs I started to bleed AGAIN!!!  Luckily it stopped within two hours of starting.  Now I'm just freaked out any time I get that bit of a creepy sensation, yes even with perspiration, in my panties.

I had my beta HCG drawn at 0700 hrs today and am waiting for the results.  I'm scared that JR decided it didn't want to stick around.

There are days, like today, that I dread.  I just don't handle this waiting game all that well.  I want answers now.  But yet, I'm afraid I'll get an answer that is going to be hard to deal with.

I'm cranky.  I'm tired.  I'm nauseated from worry.  Still I took my PIO shot this morning.  Even though I'm positive its going to be a negative beta or so low its inevitable to be a chemical pregnancy.  Yes, I'm turning into a pessimist.  Its become almost too much to hope for to get a positive result.  For now I live through my fellow bloggers,  I feel their pain and their joy.  I hope more of us get that BFP with a healthy baby.  I want it too.  For now I'll just sit here on bed rest with my phone handy.

Oh this bed rest is causing me some pain too.  My left hip and left ankle have now decided to no longer cooperate with the reclined position.  The left hip refuses to stay in its joint and the left ankle, well that is pain related to the torn deltoid ligament that never fully healed.  But the pain will be worth it if only I get a BFP later today.

If I don't I think I'm going to go for a really long walk and screw the pain factor.  I can't stay inside all day and dwell on things lost.

******UPDATE*****
0957 its a BFN.  Chemical pregnancy.  Yes, we lost this one.  I'm trying to get us into the next cycle which is in January.  I really don't want to wait until March but the doctor gets the final decision.  This will be the last try too.

Fright Fest

Samhain aka Halloween is usually one of the most exciting nights for me in the year.  I love to decorate the house, dress up and pass out candy.  This year its not going to be as exciting.  I think I'm going to be on bed rest.

The cramps and spotting started last night.  Not brown, no its red.  I called my REI nurse just before midnight to let her know that I think I'm losing the embryo.  She asked me a few questions.  She assured me that spotting is normal and that I should call the office tomorrow.

I had to call them today and am currently waiting for a phone call back.  Sure the bleeding stops when I'm lying down but when I'm standing up or sitting up in a chair it starts up again.  Kind of hard to take a shower while lying down.  So yes I'm still bleeding.  Its no longer spotting.

My husband is in class.  He can't be home for me.  Its a mandatory class.  There are times I don't like his job.  Usually I do but when I need him and can't have him here for this it really sucks.  I'm sure that if I started to hemorrhage they'd let him come home from class so he could be there for the ER but really to the Army this is a natural event.

I'm not angry that my other friends are pregnant.  I do feel sorrow at what seems like is going to be my loss.  I'm not sure I can go through this again.  I know I probably will in March but for now I just need time.  If I'm going to lose JR I hope it happens soon.  If JR is going to stick around I so wish the bleeding would stop.

I hate this not knowing.  I'm two days away from the official blood work and it just doesn't look like I'm going to make it to that event.

Its not the money I'm worried about.  Money is just money, its nice to have so that I can afford to have these infertility treatments but I'm not angry about the loss of money because it seems to not have given me a child.

I am angry with my body.  It has betrayed me.  I still got my morning shot of progesterone.  I'll keep taking it until they tell me otherwise.  I can still hope.  I'm scared.  I'm frightened.  It looks like I'm going to have to go find the old lap top and try it out today from the reclined position.