Guilt Tripped

Yesterday I decided to get out of the house for a short trip across the road to the Exchange and Commissary.  I need to get wax and hair color at the Exchange.  I needed about $55 in grocery items to include bird seed and cat food at the Commissary.

On the way out of the Exchange I was greeted by a chaplain's wife.  She inquired as to my well being.  I told her the morning sickness is awful.  I don't get out of the house much because of it.  I wasn't lying.  She said she looks forward to seeing me in church tomorrow.

Not like I'm being guilt tripped or anything!  This was after she gave me advice to eat 20 minutes before I get out of bed like she did with all of her pregnancies.  I'm not sure how many she has had but she has several living children, at least 5 that I have seen.

I explained that I cannot eat before getting out of bed because I have to take medications that call for an empty stomach first thing in the morning.  My thyroid medication is just one of the medications that must be taken on an empty stomach.

I don't want to go to church during flu and cold season.  J picked up a cold there before Christmas and passed it on to me.  Lucky me I was sick with it for the holidays, and while pregnant you can't take a thing for it.  Not fun when you have asthma.

So I went to church today.  Behind me a kid was coughing up and snorting up his snot.  He kept putting his fingers up his nose digging for gold then running his fingers around the backs of the chairs.  Just really gross.  I spoke to my husband about it while in church and said this is just the reason why I don't want to go here during cold and flu season.  God gave me the gift of my baby and I'll be damned if I am going to allow sickness that can be avoided to take it away from me.

Most likely I will not be attending while my husband is away for his deployment.  The season is ripe for flu if one has been listening to the news.  I've had my flu shot but I don't care to find out just how effective the vaccine is on me by being out in public more than needed.

To stave off some of the nausea during church services I popped a ginger pill just before entering church.  It helped some.  I also chose to bring with me a bottle of water.  I was going to sing with the rest of the congregation but I was a tad afraid to open my mouth and have vomit come out as I felt it rise up a few times.

Oh on the baby news...I made it to 11 weeks today.  This is officially the longest I have ever been pregnant.  Hoping I make it past 24 weeks!  My breasts have started to fill out.  Not good.  Already hard enough to find a 40 DD bra that is comfortable and now they are even bigger.  I also lost more weight this week.  In 10 days I've lost 3.8 pounds.  Wondering when I'll actually start gaining weight.  My clothes are getting tight so I guess the baby is growing at least.  Won't know for sure until the next ultrasound of which I've no clue when that is. This week I'll have to call and remind OB that I'm in my window for the nucal scan.

A Little Faith Makes All The Difference

Well I got up, cleaned up and dressed this morning.  I didn't want to but I felt that I needed to.  Truly today going to church did make a difference.

Maybe its the sense of community, that common bond that most of us humans seek out in our everyday lives that made me get up from my warm nest of covers.  Whatever it was I have no regrets about going.

I did have to use my cane today.  Both knees were buckling and my back was killing me.  At one point my left knee made a resounding pop while kneeling that my spouse asked me if I was okay.  While singing I got dizzy and almost asked J to hand me my rescue inhaler but I made it through by just lip syncing at the end.

There was no miraculous healing of my body.  That is not why I go to church.  I go for the soothing of my spirit and the nourishment of my soul.  I go to church knowing that I'm not the only one broken in more ways than one.  Some of us have hidden issues that we can't bring to the surface to discuss.  There is always that niggling fear of rejection and judgement from others especially those who have never walked in our shoes.

When asked today, "Why the cane?", I did my best to explain with the hope that none would judge me too young for so many problems.  Maybe I was the one who had prejudged them, thinking that they wouldn't understand.  Considering the mean age of the congregation is about 60 more than one did understand and I wasn't the only one using a cane.

I did feel a burden at breakfast, we have a church breakfast after mass, that J had to fill my plate.  I would have ended up spilling my plate my moves were so herky jerky today.  J can be really sweet, kind and considerate at times.  He knows when I use my cane, an outward voicing of my pain, that I need help that day.  I guess I need to speak up when I'm not using it so that he helps me then too.

So today I learned  much about the Lepers in the sermon and how it applies to my own issues.  I took away from the sermon that its okay to be crippled, handicapped, or having emotional hurts.  I don't have to shout out "unclean, unclean!" as I approach others but I do have to let them know that I might need a helping hand or else I might just have them staring at me wondering why I can't do for myself.  It truly is okay to ask for help within the community.  Not everyone is out to get me.  I can be accepted for who I am, not necessarily for what I can do for everyone.

Still Not Testing

In keeping with my PUPO I'm not testing again today.  Nope I'm taking the rest of this off.  I still can't hold my pee for more than 2 hours and almost thought I'd wet myself today in church I had to pee so bad.

I'm not going to test at all.  I'm going to wait for the beta result.  I may go batty tomorrow waiting for the phone to ring with the results but either way I'll share the news with all of you.

Still no AF signs.  I still get slight headaches daily.  I'm still forgetful.  I still have a bit of constipation that is getting to be annoying.  I guess I'll have to eat even more fruit than I already do since if I ingest milk products and whole grains it goes the opposite way I don't want to get sick.  No its not just the lactose its the whey protein.  I've always had that allergy.

I actually felt like dressing up a bit more today for church and so J decided to put on dress pants and a nice shirt too.  No tie.  He hates wearing a tie unless its for his uniform.  I thought the cute Garfield tie would look nice today but no go there.  Oh he has plenty of ties from his days of office work as an engineer but now that he doesn't have to wear one often he prefers not to.  I suppose I could have pressured him to wear one but I'd rather not wear a tie either as I don't much like turtlenecks and anything strangulating my neck.

So here I sit.  No odd colorations are showing up on the Endometrin applicators so I guess that means no AF.  Yes, I'm really afraid that tomorrow I'll find out that I lost Hope.  I'd rather not think that, see the results or hear them and go on my blissfull way of ignorance.  But I have to face the facts when presented.

I do hope that I am still pregnant and that my beta is a good number tomorrow.  Its almost as if I'm gambling but in a way I am.  I'm fighting the odds associated with infertility.

Good luck to everyone that is trying to conceive this month.  I hope all of us get our dream's fulfilled.

Sunday Bliss

Well we took the plunge.  Sounds bad I know but for two introverts heading out to church, to an unknown church at that, can be frightening.  Yes, I know they aren't out to get me. 

I wouldn't say the kneeling part of the service was all that easy on my knees as I have fibromyalgia and a bad back.  But I did it.  The priest was also using a cane and not that much older than I am.  When his cane fell during service I looked over at J and said, "I hate when that happens.".  I do I really hate when I decide to use my cane and it falls in a quiet place, like a church, and everyone looks at you.

I got up early with the back and pelvic pain.  Its not as bad as some days but today because there is a cold rain, its Washington State more often than not its raining here, my back decides to get grouchy with me.  But I was in the mood to fulfill a promise I made to my spouse before Christmas.  I promised that when I felt up to it we would start going to church again.

I stumbled across some of the service as I'm not fast enough with the books to transfer between the hymnal and the prayer book.  I wasn't brought up in J's faith either.  So the prayers that he learned are a bit different than what I learned and memorized.  His Niece creed is different along with his Lord's Prayer too.  I'll get the hang of it and the folks there are well understanding of my newness to their faith.

I did receive communion today.  Again it was a bit different than the Roman Catholic Church's style.  But I think the Anglican Episcopal Church will do just fine.

J was pleasantly surprised that they had a church breakfast after service.  Plenty to eat and I wonder if I'll be asked to make food for them some day.  Not that I'd mind but I don't think I have any gluten free recipes.  A few members have special food needs and I too am supposed to eat more gluten free too.  Guess its a good excuse as any to buy a gluten free cookbook.

The only annoying part of breakfast in the church hall was the cacophony.  With my Vestibular Meniere's disease sometimes trying to hear someone in even a quiet setting can be tricky and today it was more of a I can see your lips moving so I can read them enough to answer you.  Terrible but that is part of life. 

Now for my symptoms update:

My pelvis is still a bit tender to the lightest of touches.  Some mild cramping, more like a biting feeling hit last night.  Annoying more than anything and definitely not the bend me over Endometriosis cramps that I get. 

A bit more than the nipples are now sore.  Some of the side of the breast tissue is starting to make the crossing of my arms that much more complicated. Before  I had only two spots to avoid now its almost to the point of hands and arms off the area completely.  I'm sure in a few more days it will be that way from the Endometrin.  I think Hope might be starting to settle in finally. 

Oh Emily gave me another version of Hope, its Japanese and Yuuki is the name.  If anyone else has any other language versions for the word hope let me know.