Nervous

I've got so much to do in the next few days. I'm not prepared.  I like the idea of J coming home early but all the same I'm finding that I'm running out of time.

Today is the saline infusion sonogram, actually in about an hour.  I'm nervous as hell about that.  First I don't like pain, I'm not sure most sane folks do like pain unless pleasure is the promised end.  Ie:  a virgin's first time pain.

I'm scared that they might tell me that I'm not a good candidate for the IVF.  I'm scared that they might tell me that the reason I've been bleeding and spotting when I shouldn't be is because there is something wrong and I'm not meant to have a biological child.

I'm going to this alone today.  If my husband can't be with me I can't think of another person I'd actually want in that room with me.  Seriously its him or no one.

I was planning on walking over to the hospital for the procedure but my foot last night, the one I tore the deltoid ligament in a few years back, was acting up.  Of course today it looks like its going to rain.  Figures my foot would know about the fog and possible rain.  It might still clear up by afternoon but I'm not wanting to be walking in the fog and risk becoming a hood ornament.

Next, my J is coming home soon.  This means I've got to go grocery shopping.  Seriously there is just nothing in the house he would want to eat.  He's a meatatarian.  Pull a cow up to his table and he'd be happy.  I think if you gave him a magic marker he'd mark the cow into the proper cuts of meat and mark which one he wants.

Speaking of cow, I need to get J half & half and milk too. Whey protein allergy for me means that I don't keep it in the house while he is gone.  Why bother?

Oh and I need to make a birthday cake.  I'd order one but I'm not sure if he is going to be here in time for his birthday or a day later.  If I make one of my own I know it will taste good and I can decorate it how I want too without the extra cost.

So with some deep breathing exercises I'm trying to relax.  I've still got to vacuum and mop the floors before he gets home.  I doubt he'd notice but still I'd like it all clean for him.

IVF Preparation, The Worries Begin

As most of my readers know I'm preparing for my first round of IVF.  No one said creating a baby was going to be easy when you are my age, 42.  We've been trying around his military schedule for the past 4.5 years with no luck.  We tried clomiphene citrate and sure I produced up to 6 follicles a month on the lowest dosage but still no luck.  Now its time for IVF.  Yup time to fork out the big bucks with no real idea if its going to work or not.

My first stage of IVF is the Saline Infusion Sonogram while I'm on the Levlen.  So far I'm not too pleased with the Levlen, it has extended my normal bleed time by four days.  Its been years since I've been on any form of birth control and I really can't remember it actually doing that to me but who knows, hormone levels in the body do change.  I'm also not liking the weight gain side effect.  For three days now I've been struggling to keep my weight off and its been staying the same for most of it, today I finally dropped 0.2 lbs.  Mind you I've been exercising and eating healthy because I want to get some of this tonnage off before I get pregnant.

Now back to the SIS, saline infusion sonogram, I'm not really looking forward to this test.  Oh sure it would mean I'm just that much closer to getting pregnant but really folks having my female reproductive parts probed isn't comfortable.  I have what is called a retroverted uterus.  This means that I have to go to this test with a full bladder.  Yes, a full bladder and lie on my back with my feet in the stirrups to have tubes stuck up in me.  I say tubes because as soon as this particular test is completed they are going to do the mock embryo transfer.

Right now I'm so wishing it were November and I have in my hand a stick with a positive result.  I'm not the first female to be wishing the hardest part, trying to conceive for an infertile female is the hardest part, were over.  Well maybe to some its not the hardest part but if you can't conceive then it is.  Once pregnant the new worries will kick in like; will I lose it since I'm so darn old and my risk of miscarriage is high, or will the baby be so deformed it won't live long enough to draw its first breath, or well you get the point the list goes on.  For now my main concern is getting pregnant.

Years ago, 15 to be exact, I was pregnant.  My former spouse was infertile with a low sperm count, low motility, and sperm deformity issues.  I got pregnant using clomiphene citrate but soon miscarried the twins.  We tried again and it just didn't work.  Now that egg quality is an issue I might have plenty of eggs but maybe none of them are good enough.  Its not like I can afford a donor.  An egg donor is no guarantee that the egg will hold up long enough to fertilized and survive in my uterus to full term.  I being the only biological child of my parents have no younger female sibling to beg an egg from.  Even if I did there is no guarantee she'd give me one either.

So this is how it stands for today.  I wait, I exercise, I eat healthy and keep hope that in a years time I will finally hold my baby in my arms and complain about a whole new set of issues like: breast feeding, teething, crying, and sleeping through the night.  I wouldn't mind complaining about those things, but, I just want to get that chance to complain.

Waiting For Some Good News

I've already had some bad news this morning so now I'm waiting for some good news.  I'd blog about the bad news when I'm allowed to talk about it.

Oh  good one of my doctor's just called me back.  Still I'm waiting but I have some good news to share now.  I've made it to the October IVF list.  YAY!

Now I just have to get put on birth control, take a five hour class and have a saline sonogram.  Oh joy!

I just had to ask the doctor why I'd be put on birth control if we are trying to get me pregnant.  She explained the best she could then said I'll find out more in the five hour class.  Since I get a lot of cysts the birth control will help quiet down my ovaries until they start injecting me with the hormones.

Yes this is going to be quite a long process of me getting poked, prodded, and needle stuck.  But that's just fine and dandy with me as long as the end result is a healthy baby.

My husband is already worried about me and can't believe the extremes I'd go through just to produce a child.  I guess he'll never understand since he gets the easy part.  Well the easy part isn't so easy because he won't get to share in the joy of the hormone changes and feeling the baby move.  Now I'm jumping ahead too far.

It might not work at all.  I might not be able to carry a child.  Age does affect everything.  Even if I do get pregnant it might not stay around to full term.

I'm high risk and I'm trying to do the impossible or so it seems at my age. 

I've got two more months to lose some weight and I'm trying hard.  Obesity is just one of the risk factors I have.  In the past 5 days since J left I've managed to lose 3 pounds.  Nothing to sneeze at I think.  I've got about 60 more to go.

We'll see where this journey takes me now.