How Can You Love Me

"Sit down, we need to talk.", I said as I'm beating the egg in the bowl.  On the kitchen counters around me are the ingredients for tonight's supper of Toad in the Hole which has become a favorite of his.

He sits down with a plop into the dining room chair in a room that is attached to the kitchen.  A sullen look is on his face and his arms are crossed in front of his chest.  I can see that he is defensive ready for an expected tongue lashing. 

Not wanting to come out with an attack statement I take a minute to read the cook book for the next step, though I've made this recipe several times, I gather my thoughts.

Tick, tick, tick, the clock in the kitchen is reminding me that I'm going to lose his attention shortly if I don't come up with an opening that won't shut him down for listening.

I add the flour to the bowl and say, "I do understand what you are going through.  Losing this job is losing an identity.  I realize that you are going to feel out of sorts for a while."

He looks at me with anger.  He doesn't want to be sitting there discussing this.  He would rather it never happened but we have to deal with this now so that he knows I'll be beside him through it all.  He says, "I don't know how you can understand when I can't understand it either.  I feel empty.  No wait, I feel anger.  All I have left in me is hate.  I still love you but I hate myself.  It is my fault this happened."  He is gesturing wildly through his words.

"How can you love me if you can't love yourself first?  You will have to find your own reason to be happy through this and learn to love yourself again.  I know you just said that you love me but your actions of late don't show that you do love me.  You have been pushing my buttons and pissing me off.  You want me to be angry so you are justified in the feeling that the world hates you.  I'm going to try even harder to not let this happen.  I've been down that slippery slope and its a long hard haul back up."

The dry ingredients are mixed at this point and I've added the egg to the well I made. Slowly I pour in the milk mixture and stir it into the dry ingredients.  The oven is preheating.

"I don't like the fact that you always understand.  I would rather you get upset when I can't come home for dinner or the weekend plans have suddenly changed.  I don't want you to understand what I'm going through right now."  He sits back in his chair and once again crosses his arms in front of his chest.

I put the casserole dish with the sausages into the oven to bake for 15 minutes while the batter is rising.  "Well I'm sorry that I do understand.  Why should I get upset over something that changes my plans when there is absolutely nothing I can do about keeping them?  I would rather get upset over something I can control.  You know, maybe you being so pale of skin you should get your vitamin D checked too.  You've been depressive and in a lot of bodily pain of late.  I know you didn't get much sun this summer either because you opted to stay inside most of the time I was on bed rest  It wouldn't hurt to get the lab work done.  If it is low maybe it will help improve your mood.  If it isn't the problem then maybe you should find someone to talk to."

"I've talked to three shrinks and they say I'm just fine!"  He gets up and walks off.

Staying in the kitchen I start some area clean up and setting of the table.  The "talk" is finished and I shut off the light in the dining room area.

Side note:  J is allowed to feel like he does right now.  The Army has been the life he has always wanted.  A place where he felt like he belonged.  He wanted to be a career man.  He wanted to be an officer.  He wanted to lead.  One by one his dreams have been taken away from him.  Did he do it to himself?  Was he just another warm body that soon became excess baggage to the Army in their draw-down?  What I see is a man with broken dreams.

One Day Difference

It is amazing how one day can make a difference.  I'm not saying all that much happened over the course of one night or even this morning to change things for J and I but it is one day closer to an end for our normal life routine.

Friday J got denied re-enlistment yet again.  He'll start his ACAP process this week.  I'm not sure what, when or where this will lead to.  Yes, there is still one last chance that he could re-enlist but with two higher ups saying no it doesn't bode well.

Down sizing sucks.  We all have had someone close to us that has lost a job with this economy.  Looks like J will be struck down twice by the failing of man.

He was let down by his team mates.  He didn't deploy so they held a grudge.  They could have given him recommendations but they chose not to.  Mind you he feels thrown under the bus.  If you'll remember back some ways for those that follow my blog J was a spare to a team.  He was given the opportunity to stay back and try to create a family with me.  They had two other people to fill his job.  He did offer to deploy this spring but was told he wasn't needed with his injury.  So he decided to go through with the surgery and work on healing his back.  Now he is paying for staying behind.

His surgery was a success.  His back is healing enough to have his profile down graded.  He can do more now.  In a few months he should be back to near perfect health again. 

I shouldn't be amazed that his teammates would throw him under the bus.  But some how I am.  I am ashamed of them for holding a grudge.  J did what he could back here to make things easier for his teammates while they were deployed but they didn't look at it like that at all.  No they are thinking that he was lazy and didn't do what they wanted in a timely manner.  He did what he could given the resources he had to work with.  I'm really tired of the pass buck blame that is going on in the ranks.  Own up, learn from the problem, work to accomplish the goals the team has set forth. 

While on Rear detachment J has been praised in his monthly counseling statements for going all out to work hard, take classes to be more valuable to his unit like the recent one he took to become the unit's armorer, and excel at tasks given to him.  He is considered a model soldier.  However, none of this matters to the teammates deployed or to the chain-of-command that is ever changing on Rear detachment.  All the chain-of-command knows is that J didn't deploy with his teammates, therefore he must be considered unfit and of no real use to the army so he'll be eliminated.

It is a sorry day when a trained, fit, and well educated soldier will be tossed aside so that they can bring in a new untrained, high school educated only, recruit to fill the ranks.  Maybe the Army should check it's books because from my understanding it costs more to train a new soldier to do a job including the basic combat training and outfit them than to continue to pay a soldier of my spouse's rank to do the same job at a higher skill level because he is proficient and they are not.

Now it is a wait and see what the end of the year will bring.

Prove To Me You Exist

Conversation with my bundled provider.  I changed their name out to just Cable.  I changed their number out too.  Besides what I put into parenthesis the rest is true to what was chatted between me and the Cable service bot/person. Chris: Hi, I'm a live Cable product specialist. Would you like my help checking out?

Chris: Just type your question below.

You: streampix

You: why do i have it on my account?

Chris: Please wait while a secure chat connection is established.

Chris: With Streampix you will be able to access content with your iPad, iPod Touch, iPhone, through On Demand with your set top box, through cable and more.

You: i don't have an ipod or iphone

You: i don't need it and i'm not paying for something i didn't request

You: I was charged this month for it as an additional service. I want the money I was charged refund

Chris: Thank you for being our customer! I recommend calling our Customer Service Team. They've got all your account information and they also have the expertise to better assist you. That number is 1-555-5555.

You: calling now

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: not unless you can remove the charges

Chris: Our customer service team will be the best person who can assist you with that. ( so a whole team is made up of one person huh?)

You: have a nice day

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: nope

You: the office is closed

You: so i'm guessing you knew that

You: so no one is really willing to help me

Chris: I apologize, Our Customer Service team is available Monday through Saturday, 8 AM to 7 PM.

You: why didn't you tell me before?

Chris: I apologize.

You: am i talking to a computer program and not a real person?

Chris: I am a real person.

You: sounds like something a computer bot would say. okay prove to me that you exist

Chris: I apologize however, I can only answer questions about our services.

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: i'm sure if you really wanted to be of help you would be. however, given that you knew it was a Sunday and the fact that you knew the offices would be closed but still told me to call the number I have my doubts

Chris: I apologize you can just call our customer service tomorrow.

You: how about since they have my number they call me?

You: they always seem to call me when they want me to purchase a new service

You: this time they committed fraud by adding a service without my permission

Chris: I do understand how you feel. Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: Sure you could get me some chinese take out

You: you asked

Chris: What questions can I answer for you about our products?

You: why would someone without apple products in their possession want streampix?

Chris: Our technical Chat Agents are the best group to help you with all of your technical and Account questions. I’m happy to walk you through the simple steps to connect to that group.

Chris: Are you ok with me sending you to the appropriate webpage to connect to that group?

You: no

You: i would like to know how i can remove the service from my bill today via the internet

Chris: Please click here to access the page.

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: yes

You: how do i go about preventing Cable from adding unauthorized additions to my account in the future

You: it is fraud you realize

You: btw the page you sent me to is of no help for the issue. i can see my bill, pay it of which i already did but I cannot make changes to it

You: but i think you already knew this

Chris: I suggest you to call our customer service tomorrow where they can better assist you with your concern.

You: so you aren't at all concerned about the fraudulent charges?

Chris: I apologize I don't have that information.

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: Yes plenty

Chris: I can only assist you in adding/upgrading services here online.

You: you can only add but you refuse to take away? how is that helpful? My service was horrible this week. I was without phone, internet and cable this week sporadically. Shouldn't I be given a credit?

Chris: As much I would like to help you however, we can only add/upgrade service here online. Our customer service team will be the best person who can assist you with this concern.

You: Yes but they aren't available right now. So you are telling you are a useful as a two peckered billy goat? Chris: I do apologize however, the only person can help you in canceling your current services is our customer service. Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today? You: 42 (Thank you Douglas Adams for popping into my head)   Chris:  Thank you for contacting Cable today.  Have a nice day.   what I need for streampix but don't have so why the heck would I want streampix?

Let's Add More Afflictions

There are days that I just know how Job must have felt.
This morning I woke up hoping to find that the split in the roof of my mouth had finally healed up. Nope.  Today I find that I have a red rash in addition.  No sores.  Not thrush.  No white spots.  Just the red rash on the soft palate.

Dr. Google suggests I could have mono.  LOL nope.  No fever.  Had mono when I was a kid while have a bad bout of bronchitis so bad that I never knew I had mono with it until I tested positive for having had it in the past.

I called up my dentist and she said to come in Monday if it is still there.  Until then to do the salt-water treatment.  Seems as though that with my Vit D3 low my mouth, the throat of which has been red and sore for almost two months now, is starting to get worse.  Now I have to be careful of what I eat and drink.  I know I didn't burn the roof of my mouth.  I did have some chips last weekend.  One would think that a cut would have healed in my mouth by now.

Fine and dandy.  I wanted Pizza, crackers, a bagel with a shmeer...heck a chew toy at this point.  I want to chew something other than the tapioca pudding I made last night, which really isn't chewing at all.

It never rains pain, it comes down in a deluge.

Whimpers.  Wants something crunchy, not sweet.  Something real to eat.  I'm not going to puree' a bagel with a schmeer of lox, though it has crossed my mind.
Love the ornament wishing I could eat the real thing!

Lab Results Finally In

Hey you!
Over here!
Yes, you!
Look at me!

Me: Hello Nurse J.  Would you please schedule me for ....?
<Now that I've got your attention I'd like something done.  No don't argue with me.>

Nurse J:  who is this?  Oh sorry I thought you'd recognized my voice by now.  It's Rebecca. < I've only been going to your clinic for 4 years!>

It was one of those mornings on the phone.  Again Nurse J.  Loves to argue with me.  Had to explain in detail what I wanted.  She said they gave me all the lab results the other day.  No they didn't.

<Again, please listen.>

Me: I need the vitamin D3 levels.

Nurse J: 26.1

Me: that low?
I'd like the doctor to put me on the prescription strength D3 again.

Nurse J:Your PCM will have to do that.

Me:No he won't. My cardiologist did it last time.  Can you at least ask Dr.C?

Nurse J:No you need to see your PCM.

Me:But it affects fertility.  Shouldn't Dr. C. be told my levels are too low?

Nurse J:Fine!  I'll let him know and call you back.

Me:<won't hold my breath waiting>  Thank you.

With the D3 levels this low I now have an explanation why the fibro has been flaring so often.  Also why I haven't been able to lose weight without starving myself.  Yesterday I had two really lean meals.  Maybe a total of 600 calories for the day and I managed to lose 0.8 pounds.

I'm tired of everything.  I'm getting depressed.  Oh and btw, I do take D3 daily and I told the nurse that too.  I just forgot to mention it above.  600 IUI daily.  It obviously isn't enough.

CD1 I'll be doing another natural cycle with an IUI towards the end of the month.  Hoping the vitD3 issue won't cause more problems with the eggs.

Shaving

Smile, you know where I'm headed or can at least guess.

I'm going to discuss shaving.  Not the face or legs, or arm pits.  I'm going  more intimate.

I used to shave quite regularly the whole pubic region.  I did it for me. Now not so often.  Not sure why I used to shave since it caused issues.

Why  have women decided that the hair we were blessed with at puberty is now offensive in our adult years?  I know that my mom's generation either went all natural or mainly didn't shave above the knees.
Women who did adult films in the 80's didn't shave to the extent that they do now for the adult film industry.  So why are we, who the majority claim to not like the idea of pornographic materials, trying to emulate the pre-pubescent type bodies devoid of pubic hair shown in the adult films?

Why are we trying to perpetuate the ideal that a woman's body should look like a little girls?  What in blazes is wrong with hair?

I figure that as long as you keep yourself washed and without foul odors there is nothing wrong with some hair on the mons pubis or labia.

I fell to pressure the other day.  Self-inflicted pressure.  I shaved.  I'm paying for it now.

A few years back I waxed it all off before a yearly pap exam.  My GYN, a female, told me next time to use a clean razor blade instead of the same one that was on the razor.  I corrected her and said the rash was from waxing. She apologized for her assumption and said I shouldn't try to remove the hair if the skin is that sensitive. 

I had my eyebrows waxed only once.  I broke out in a rash from waxing then too.

I've have used a electric razor and ended up in a rash.

I have used fresh out of the pack razor blades and ended up in a rash.

My skin does not like to be devoid of hair.  The hair acts as a buffer from laundry detergent residues, perfumes and dyes that might be on the pantyliners (though I  do buy the unscented ones) and any friction from clothing that might be a little tight like exercise clothing.

The other day after I shaved I put on clean exercise clothes and thought nothing of the bare skin until I was done exercising.  Let me tell you that even a warm epsom salt bath didn't help all that much last night.

So tell, are there any other women out there who have sensitive skin like I do?

If you have sensitive skin do you shave?

How do you prevent the sensitive skin rash?

Is this beauty treatment really worth the pain?
 

You Know It's A Fibro Day When...

You get into the shower wash your hair, condition it and forget what you were in the shower for, the next step in cleaning up and start it all over again.

Yup had one of those mornings.

I finally got my lab results yesterday afternoon around 1645 hrs.  The phones, internet and cable were on and off around the installation yesterday causing for some major issues in communications.

Yesterday was CD 28

D3 results are still not in.

Beta was negative as I figured it would be.

FSH 6.9

LH 6.19

P4 7.62  (this was with 100mg of Endometrin 2xday)

E2 44

The RE nurse assured me that the P4 was just fine.  Um, no it isn't.

Because I'm not yet bleeding and am having a lot of pelvic pain the nurse is going to try to get me an appointment for Friday to have a look-see.  I'm hoping that after five months the endometriosis is not growing back. 

Last night I took a nice hot soak in the tub and it felt like I had a marble in my lower back making the soaking not that comfortable.  The pain goes straight from the back to my reproductive organs.  Not a good sign.  It is starting to feel like it did this past spring.

Maybe if I can get in to see the doctor this week I can try to get a CD3 blood panel to make sure that all is back to normal.  Of course with my dumb luck the CD 3 will land on a weekend and muck things up.  For some reason this clinic doesn't want us going to the ER to get the labs drawn for the appropriate day.  Mind you our clinic is in the hospital.  At West Point I was instructed that if my CD 3 or 14 or 21 or 28 fell on the weekend the labs would need to be drawn at their ER to keep the CD labs appropriate for their day since we all know that hormones can vary widely in just 24 hours.

Looking forward to the next cycle.  Today I'll see about ordering some vitamins that are supposed to help fight off the endometriosis and give me more energy.  I need more energy today with the fibromyalgia.