One Day Difference

It is amazing how one day can make a difference.  I'm not saying all that much happened over the course of one night or even this morning to change things for J and I but it is one day closer to an end for our normal life routine.

Friday J got denied re-enlistment yet again.  He'll start his ACAP process this week.  I'm not sure what, when or where this will lead to.  Yes, there is still one last chance that he could re-enlist but with two higher ups saying no it doesn't bode well.

Down sizing sucks.  We all have had someone close to us that has lost a job with this economy.  Looks like J will be struck down twice by the failing of man.

He was let down by his team mates.  He didn't deploy so they held a grudge.  They could have given him recommendations but they chose not to.  Mind you he feels thrown under the bus.  If you'll remember back some ways for those that follow my blog J was a spare to a team.  He was given the opportunity to stay back and try to create a family with me.  They had two other people to fill his job.  He did offer to deploy this spring but was told he wasn't needed with his injury.  So he decided to go through with the surgery and work on healing his back.  Now he is paying for staying behind.

His surgery was a success.  His back is healing enough to have his profile down graded.  He can do more now.  In a few months he should be back to near perfect health again. 

I shouldn't be amazed that his teammates would throw him under the bus.  But some how I am.  I am ashamed of them for holding a grudge.  J did what he could back here to make things easier for his teammates while they were deployed but they didn't look at it like that at all.  No they are thinking that he was lazy and didn't do what they wanted in a timely manner.  He did what he could given the resources he had to work with.  I'm really tired of the pass buck blame that is going on in the ranks.  Own up, learn from the problem, work to accomplish the goals the team has set forth. 

While on Rear detachment J has been praised in his monthly counseling statements for going all out to work hard, take classes to be more valuable to his unit like the recent one he took to become the unit's armorer, and excel at tasks given to him.  He is considered a model soldier.  However, none of this matters to the teammates deployed or to the chain-of-command that is ever changing on Rear detachment.  All the chain-of-command knows is that J didn't deploy with his teammates, therefore he must be considered unfit and of no real use to the army so he'll be eliminated.

It is a sorry day when a trained, fit, and well educated soldier will be tossed aside so that they can bring in a new untrained, high school educated only, recruit to fill the ranks.  Maybe the Army should check it's books because from my understanding it costs more to train a new soldier to do a job including the basic combat training and outfit them than to continue to pay a soldier of my spouse's rank to do the same job at a higher skill level because he is proficient and they are not.

Now it is a wait and see what the end of the year will bring.

Echoes

It is said that history repeats itself so that we learn from our past mistakes.

I've just taken my last dosage of Provera.  Hopefully I'll never need it again for this purpose.  I get nightmares.

Yesterday morning I awoke with convulsing sobs racking my body.  In my dream I was told to say good bye to my husband.  They had done everything they could but they didn't intubate him in time to save him.  He was brain dead.

This morning a phone ringer awoke me from another bad dream.  This time I was in the hospital and they said that my husband had a GSW (gun shot wound) and was in surgery.  Again they couldn't save him.

I don't recall ever having nightmares where my spouse couldn't be saved.  I don't recall ever having the nightmares two nights in a row.

The phone call was another echo from the past.  Just before J was to deploy this past spring the same number called.  I know who it was.  I know why they called.  I'm scared.

I called J immediately to tell him of who called.  I asked him to check his official email some time today just in case its what I think it might be.  I realize its rather late in the game but J's profile, from surgery, is about to expire and he'll be deployable again.

I did tell him about yesterday's dream and pushed it off as the hormones.  I did not tell him about today's nor will I for a while since I'm guessing it really is just my fears and the damn hormones.

If he is going to deploy I'm going to freeze his sperm.  I'm going to ask him to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible with the clinic in Seattle for the donor eggs.  You just never know.  I mean why wait.  Its something we had planned on doing together this new year coming up so if he is going to deploy why wait.  Do it now.

So this is where I stand today.  My asthma has been beating up my respiratory tract for the past several days, almost a week now.  Yesterday I had to use my emergency inhaler twice.  Today I took a benadryl and I might just start back on my nebulizer.  The green gunk from my nasal passages is getting too thick.  I'm trying to avoid antibiotics as they mess up the rest of my body.  The post nasal drip is making it so hard to breathe.  This wouldn't be the first time I've developed a sinus infection that turned to asthmatic bronchitis in summer.  Yes I know its heading there too.  Neti pot, pushing more fluids, benadryl, nebulizer...I've got it covered.  Its just going to take some time to clear up.  Just one more echo from my past.

***Update***
J just came home to get some documents.  He said they wouldn't be allowed to deploy him until his three months have passed from the date of surgery.  Well that is some good news.  He still has time here and will hopefully be safe.

What A Mess We Have

This is my laundry room or as its now known as J's staging area for his gear.  Right now its in limbo.  Half the gear was packed ready to go when his deployment orders got rescinded.  The other half was just sitting here taking up laundry room floor space.

Now we are back to waiting again; which is a good thing I guess.  This means more time to try to create a baby.  Bad thing is not knowing how long before orders are cut again.

Currently he is listed as non-deployable but we were told face-to-face in our meeting that it could change in a month, days, or weeks.  In the meantime his injuries, though minor will have time heal.  His back strain and thigh strain he got early this month will have time to heal.  The holes in his jaw from having his wisdom teeth pulled this month will have time to heal.  I don't think I'd want to fly with jaw pain.

J wanted to go.  He will probably still go once his body and mind are in the right order to go.  Dealing with so many pregnancy losses has hurt us.  I don't want him to go but I know that he has to go.  So yes, I'm going to take advantage of him being able to be here for a bit longer.  More counseling sessions should put us where we need to be once again.

Oh and I'm going to work my butt off on not gaining any more weight from stress eating.  If I kept on this path with the "when do you go" eating style I'd be a lot heavier by the time he does leave.  So far I gained 10 pounds in a month.  I started back on my diet on Monday and as of today I've lost 3 pounds.  I have to live for me too.  This means taking care of me so that he doesn't worry so much.

Now back to my laundry room to try to find a place to set up a drying rack.

Geographical Bachelorette

Each new deployment brings with it new challenges that the military spouse must learn to overcome and conquer.  We are acting as both parents to our children, though  I have no children,  I still have many responsibilities with deployments.

When J leaves I become the mechanic, the landscaper, the architect, the renovator, the painter.  J does so very much around here that often it goes without being noticed and without being rewarded.  J leaves and I become the do-it-all super spouse.  I am the geographical bachelorette.  I'm married and at the same time single.

The first two weeks of any extended training mission or deployment are the worst.  I often think that if I don't get out of my pajamas nothing will ever get done.  I force myself to shower and get dressed.  I know that life does go on and that I have to continue to be part of it or risk it passing me by.

I'm not trying to compare my life experiences to those of Natalie Taylor because she is a widow and I am married.  She lost her husband during her fifth month of pregnancy.  I do have to say though, when J leaves we don't know if he will be coming back home alive.  Oh he will be coming home, they do try to make sure the bodies or what is left of them make it home; that perhaps is the scariest part.  The final kiss good-bye, the tears wiped from my cheek, the last hug leaves behind a memory to cherish. The heavy ache I carry in my chest for the duration of his absence can't be re-leaved by shopping, drinking, laughing, or spending time with distraction.  The ache has to be dealt with in the quiet loneliness of the night, eating meals in solitude, going to the movies alone, driving to the doctor appointments without him.  This isn't to mean that I hide from life while he is gone, as a matter of fact, I do try to live a bit.  I volunteer, I get involved with the living so I don't dwell on what I don't have in my life.   But I'm just a bit more reserved than some of the wives and I'm always clinging to my phone not wanting to miss a phone call.

Natalie won't get those precious 5 minute phone calls.  Her loss is permanent.  But we both learn to go on with our lives.  We find meaning in our activities.  We find happiness in our friendships and family connections.  We get upset with family when they get in our way and tell us how to live our lives.



Signs Of Life by Natalie Taylor was provided for me to read and write my own thoughts about by my online book club From Left To Write, therefore any opinions expressed in my blog are my own.  I have not been paid or compensated to read and review this book other than to receive a free copy of said book from my book club.  Pick up a copy of Signs Of Life and find out just how Natalie Taylor survived that first year without her spouse, you might not be able to put the book down.

Tossed Away

Soldiers are being tossed away like a Kleenex; used for a few good blows and forgotten never to be the same.

I say the above because our military men and women who have fought so valiantly for our freedom are being used for their man power to blow away, blow up,  and blow through conflicts.  After the blowing is done they are traumatized, many of them at least feel the after shocks of what they were ordered to do.

I'm angry.  When a service member is sent off to war they come back with more than just physical scars.  They come back changed mentally.   This is hitting close to home for me now.  Too close.  When they try to get help they are shunned, told they are just trying to get out of doing what they signed up to do in the first place, which is deploy.  Okay so yes they did sign up as their primary MOS (military occupational specialty) to tote a rifle about and kill as necessary but they do have other jobs that they trained for and are good at.

The military medical system needs a complete overhaul.  When a service member goes into counseling they are told that they will not be ratted out unless they are considered a danger to themselves or someone else.   They are not supposed to be ratted out for saying stupid things like they hate a co-worker.  However, it does happen as of this month because of the killings in Afghanistan.  Before you know it the service member is being told that their career is over and they'll be discharged.  Why?  Well I'll tell you why!  Because the system doesn't work.  Instead of giving the individual the confidence and trust in their therapist they live in fear that if they say the wrong thing they get ratted out.  So they go in angry, balled up fist and knotted up stomachs afraid to utter one word that could be used against them.  The therapist clues in on the body language and makes note of it to report later that the individual is hostile.  No they don't report that it could be related to combat stress or PTSD because if they did it would mean money.  And no they don't report that the body language could be due in part from the fear of being what they saying being misconstrued and reported.

Yes it all comes down to the almighty fricken dollar folks.  The military does not want to pay out to help the service member that is broken, even though they became broken while in the service.    Just this year a higher ranking soldier was asked to step down from this installation, on which I live, because he decided that those with the diagnosis of PTSD didn't deserve it so he took away the diagnosis.  WHY?  Well he was saving the government money in the present and future.  A diagnosis of PTSD means that the government will have to continue treatment for that individual for the rest of their life.  If the diagnosis is taking away the person can be forced to deploy.

Now I wonder, did that happen to the guy that went on the "rampage" in Afghanistan?  He was from this installation.  Could it have been prevented?  Probably.  So yes, I'm really angry. 

Perhaps if our service men and women felt more comfortable and able to trust the therapists here on our installation they might just open up.  Here they think of only one thing:  WHEN CAN WE DEPLOY THEM AGAIN?!  That was until the 16 were killed in Afghanistan.  Now its becoming a rat fest.  The therapists are ratting out their patients for anything and everything ending careers for no good reason other than the usual facetious remark about a co-worker because the soldier was in a bad mood.  When you in the civilian sector have those days are you really going to go off your co-worker?   I doubt it.  But here on the military installation, well its just nuts now.  They are getting way over protective which doesn't help with the situation either.  Now they are just inundating  the mental health providers with  low risk/no risk cases.

I guess this is just another way to meet the quota that Obama has set for less troops.  Get rid of the fatties then get rid of any one that chooses to make an off hand remark that can be misconstrued but all means Obama keep the psycho!  See I can be facetious too.  Great now someone is going to lock me up for speaking my mind right?

I'm So Full Of It

This morning a migraine woke me up.  So I thought the photo to the left would be appropriate.

While taking a nice warm shower this morning and acetaminophen, hoping that the migraine would leave me, I came up with a blog post idea.  I thought I'd tell you all a bit more about myself.

I really am full of it.  No, not shit though there are days that I get constipated that one would think so.  But I am full of knowledge.  I just can't access it like I want to due to the fact that I have fibromyalgia.

J will be leaving soon and I need to find one project in particular that will occupy most of my lonely time.  When J left for basic training through the time he was on an isolation tour to Korea for a year, so that would be 1.75 years all told, I had my online shop to keep me busy.  When J was deployed to Iraq I took a class.  This time I'm not so sure what I'm going to do to keep myself busy.  I've been given quite a few suggestions and I have a few ideas of my own but some of the projects will eventually bore me.

Now as for what I did during the last deployment to keep me busy.  I took a year long theology class and became a certified deacon.  That's right folks I could perform marriages, baptisms, and death rites oh and probably start my own church but that is way too time consuming.

I could probably, if I had the gumption take the chemistry class that I neglected to take in college the first time around.  I do have a B.S. in English which sounds odd because most folks get a B.A. in English.  Why the B.S.?  Well its because I took the following classes: Medical Microbiology, Microbiology, Anatomy and Physiology, Immunology, Immuno-heomotology, Geology, Ecology and the required freshman year two semesters of biology.  So yes that is why I earned the S of the B.S.  Now I know enough to annoy most of my doctors and they have asked me on more than one occasion where I had my medical training.  Its not really medical training but more like life experiences of being clumsy that have earned my knowledge as I do have memory recall issues due to the fibro fog.  Or perhaps my doctors are implying that I don't know Jack and are quite tired of me telling them that I know my body better than they do, case in point, yesterday when they didn't think I needed to come in and that if I just took two Tylenol and called them in the morning I'd be better.

This deployment I'm thinking of more short term classes than anything more demanding.  I'm thinking that I'd like to take a class in glass blowing.  I might take a class in pearl stringing as I do have two strands of pearls that are broken and the equipment to fix them but no real knowledge of how to do it all properly without make a huge mess.

If you have any suggestions on what might occupy my time let me know.  I'm not one to spend all day on the computer wasting my life on video games while I wait for my spouse to get home.  No, I'm one of those gals that has to keep busy so that the lonely hours don't creep up over me and strangle me when I'm not looking.

12 dpo, Nothing Yet

I'm still here waiting.  I'm going to be waiting for a long time too.  I'm waiting for lab results on the gluten, I'm waiting for the HPT to hopefully show two lines though I do have my doubts and I'm still waiting for the orders to come in which will separate me from my spouse for who the heck knows how long this time.

Last night the stress of everything got to be a bit too much and I started with chest pains.  Yeah, so not fun. I like to plan.  Right now I can't do a thing but sit there and wait staring out the window or finding something to numb my mind.  I can't make a grocery list of things to buy for J to pack up.  Things that I know he'll need like an all-in-one body wash because I don't know when he has to pack out and leave.  I don't even know if he'll be going to an area where they have real showers.  Our Exchange sells dry shampoo for a reason.

On the fertility front, its now cycle day 22 and I'm 12 days past ovulation.  Usually I would have shown a faint second line by now.   I normally run a 25-28 day cycle so I still have time to show one way or the other.  Oh and I'm damn well scared that I might actually be pregnant and have to go this alone considering we all know that I'll be on bed rest with my hypertension and with no one around that can be at my beck and call.  Well okay its not like J would have been at my beck and call but if something went wrong he would have only been four miles away not thousands of miles away like he will be now.

Can you believe that within a half hour of starting the endometrin I had cramping and really bad nausea?  I never had it that bad before.  I was shaking, cold and felt like I was going to hurl.  When I used it last IVF I must have transitioned from one hormone to the endometrin without much of a second glance because I really don't remember shaking, being cold or wanting to hug the toilet.  A bit of nausea last cycle but not like this.  Anyhow the endometrin slime has started again.  In a few days I'll know if I have to continue with this or if this natural cycle of two follicles on the left ovary failed me.  I realize that at my age my eggs are pretty much rotten, still its nice to know that I can ovulate on my own.

While J is deployed I'll be coming to grips with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own if this cycle has failed.  We will be deciding on the egg donor route or none at all and just closing up shop.  I need time to grieve for the three recent miscarriages and the one I had years ago.  I just need time to re-evaluate where I'm going in life and see where I should go from here.

Military Spouses Support Each Other

First off I'll begin with what I was just told by the RE nurse N.  She said today, because while I was out yesterday she didn't get back to me again, that Dr. B. said, '" if I felt the need for the CD 21 test they could do it but that all it would prove is that I ovulated when its a 3 or better."'.  Enough said on that one, we know via ultrasound that I definitely did ovulate this cycle.  NO NEED for that test.

However, she did argue with me about the miscarriage of the twins I had in 1996 on the topic of not enough progesterone.  She said, "how could they even tell you didn't have enough?".  Its what Major D (my female RE doctor) told me.  Its in my records, the paper ones, of which have been stored away at another location far from this installation.

Now as for the endometrin, yes Dr. C. said I could take it as it wouldn't hurt anything but he still advises against it.  Am I going to take it?  You bet.  I just inserted one and ta-da I saw spotting of brown on the applicator.  That isn't good.  Its way too early for the spotting of the period to begin and its way too late for the implantation bleeding too.  Yeah um, something isn't quite right.  So hopefully the spotting will stop and the progesterone will help if indeed there is something in there.  Nurse N, yes the very one that said I was never really pregnant with the IVF, said that she doesn't like that I look stuff up on the internet.  I told her that I didn't this time, and I haven't.  I said it was from experience and the stuff that a friend with a similar experience had that put me wise to this particular issue.  Okay maybe my REI clinic here needs an over haul.  How much longer until some of this particular staff gets orders to a new military base is what I'm wondering?  Inconsiderate and insensitive.

Yesterday I went shopping with my friend S. S says that after our guys leave we are going to have to get together quite often, I said once a week and she said, "only once a week?".  Okay I can see once a week won't be enough and I do like my fun time with S no matter how exhausting it can be for this introvert.  I feel bad  for S.  Her spouse is deploying soon too.  Neither one of our spouses will be getting block leave or mid tour leave.  Nope they are just getting their butts ordered onto the transportation to leave us behind.

Deployments for me are a lot different than those for the spouse who is left behind with children to care for.  I have no pets, no kids and no family on this coast, nothing that would hold me back but lack of money and fears of traveling alone.  For S, she has dogs and two kids but her family lives overseas.  At least for me, if I felt froggy enough to do so, I could just take off and go visit my family while J is deployed.  S can't just take off.  S would have to put the pets in a boarding facility and get all sorts of paperwork done just to leave the country and re-enter.  It is nice to be able to just up and leave.  Sure I'd have to find someone to house sit and make sure my plants get watered but really is my life all that hard?  It can be when I have a fibro flare.

Yes when J is gone there is no sex, I eat alone, I sleep alone, I do everything alone except for when I'm with S and we go shopping.  Shopping with S is my break from the loneliness.  So yes, psychologically it is hard for me  because I'm more apt to develop depression from the isolation.  However, deployments are just as hard on the women that have children to take care of.  Each side of the coin has its own ups and downs.

By Monday I should know if I got my unicorn.  I have my doubts now that I saw some brown on the applicator.   Oh and with any luck J might be able to plead for Friday off so that we can get some more much need couple time together.  However, I'll not keep my fingers crossed on that one.  I asked him to ask today for Friday. Oh and yes I already have the sightseeing booked.

Progesterone (P4)

7 dpo

> 15 ng/ml

A progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle. There is no mid-luteal level that predicts pregnancy. Some say the test may be more accurate if done first thing in the morning after fasting.

PCM Appointment and Ponderings

Sedimentary deposits on the access road to Pacific Beach.  Photo by me.

First off the PCM appointment went well.  Dr. G. listened well to me and decided to do the blood work though he too thinks that without a doubt I at least have an allergy to gluten.  He isn't sure that the blood work will show much as the test has to be done, according to his computer, after I've been eating gluten for a month straight.  He didn't want me sick for that long so he had the blood drawn yesterday.

Funny thing was that even though I've ditched my asthma medicines completely the wheezing has cleared up on its own.  Dr.G. said, "I don't know what you've been using to clear it up but its gone and whatever you've been doing keep it up.".  Interesting.  Maybe it was the vacation to the ocean?  Since then my breathing has gotten better.  I also have a new referral to Gastroenterology in the computer and will be able to call and book my appointment some time next week after its been approved for an available opening.

Now for my ponderings.

I can't figure out why they are deploying J.  He was told he wasn't going to be on the list.  He's on the list.  I wonder if its because I miscarried again.  I mean how is that nice to take away my spouse when we are both still grieving?

This third loss is tearing us both up.  I urged J to make sure he tries to get an appointment to talk to a counselor about the grief.  Seriously I have my own psychologist and we see a marriage counselor but J has no outlet and I've seen just how much this is tearing him up inside.  He is so angry and yet within seconds he is almost in tears.  If I didn't know better I'd say he was injecting himself with my IVF meds.

I know quite well that he is afraid that I might again be pregnant and that we might very well lose this one too if I am.  Really when a soldier deploys he has to get into the zone.  Yes, they get their tunnel vision before they deploy and become real bears to live with.  Its not that they don't love us its just that they have to build up that protective wall again.  The worst part is that we had just broken through that wall and now he is defenseless due to the repeat pregnancy loss.

I'm worried about him.  He is going to a hostile country.  Of late there have been more killings.  I don't want to be a widow.  I have to tell you its a big fear among us military spouses because it can very well happen.  Just the other day there was a training accident in the news.  More dead.  I guess I'll be breathing easier when he gets back home again.  I'd breath a lot easier if they just sent him off on some field exercise.  Well no I doubt I'd be happy with that either.

I know I can handle being apart from him.  I've done it before and I can do it again.  I'm not one of those fall apart spouses that can't handle being left alone.  I'm far from friendless and defenseless.  I know how to take care of myself and shoot an intruder.  Yes, my father, a former soldier himself, taught me well.

I know J will come home again.  But I don't know how well he'll be when he gets back.   He ended up being medivac'd to Balad last time.

I can't worry about the unknown because I can't control it.  I can only live the time I'm in right now and plan for a future with many different options.  I can dream of long vacations together.  I can dream that some how they'll still decide to leave him behind.  But in the end I have to face reality.

Due to OPSEC I won't be posting where he is or when he leaves.  I can only post that he will be leaving and how things are going well after he gets to his destination.

Taking A Day Off

I decided I'd had enough of testing and worrying.  I'm not testing today.  Sure I could change brands of the test strips as I have another brand and two digital sticks too but I'm not doing any testing.  Why?  Because I can't hold my pee long enough!

I might break down tomorrow and ruin my morning before church to take a digital.  But I might decide to not take one at all.

Today I'll just take care of my needs and I might do some grocery shopping later if I feel up to it.


Symptoms for today so far:

• Breast tenderness
• Weight gain.  I gained back 0.6 lbs of the 0.8 I lost the day before.
• Nausea
• Slight headache
• Mild back ache
• plenty of mucus up and down.  I swear my nose is going to go raw here soon from blowing it.
• my size 14 pants are now uncomfortable to wear.  That blows!
• Bit of constipation but that goes hand in hand with my IBS.  I'll just make sure to keep eating my figs each day and I should be fine.

But, all in all, any of those symptoms could be pointing to a pending new cycle.  No spotting since that tiny bit two days ago.  No bleeding or smell of blood (yes I'm one of those that can smell a trace of when its going to start).

Other than J doing the laundry and shrinking a pair of my smaller sized 16 jeans in the dryer this week, I told him they go on the drying rack not in the dryer, I have nothing really to complain about.  Except the dreams.

Oh boy the dreams are getting weird.  I can remember bits and pieces of the ones I had last night and yesterday too.  This morning I woke up from a dog dream.  I was at my parents' house before the remodeling they did in the 70's and there were dogs everywhere.  Including cartoon dogs.  I was the only one that could see them and they were tripping other people up.  It was a humorous dream.  Another dream I had was that a doctor told me I was pregnant.  That was always nice to have for a dream.  Lets just hope that one turns out to be true.

J is taking on the responsibilities slowly.  I think slow is good.  We still aren't sure if he is going to be one of the soldiers that will deploy soon.  I'm hoping not but there is always that chance, especially when they announced at a meeting last month that they are sending the rest of the brigade.  I know when they leave but I'm not sure he is going to be on the list.  Not knowing and thinking about it will drive me batty.  I've got other things to think of right now, like staying pregnant and getting a good beta number on Monday.

Kirigami

Today I'll be learning how to do Kirigami.  I got this particular page-a-day calendar as a gift this past Christmas and I plan on cutting it to pieces.

Well hopefully in the right pieces and places as I've never done Kirigami before.  Origami, yes.   I can do a few things with paper in folding it, but the cutting out is going to be a bit trickier with my carpal tunnel.

I've never had a page-a-day calendar as usually I find them useless and really annoying when trying to book appointments.  My mom had one at her desk near the phone where we'd book our appointments as a kid.  Did I say I don't like them?

But this one is going to prove to be a bit of fun.  Or at least I hope it will be fun and not frustrating.  Maybe I'll even find it relaxing.

Speaking of relaxing.  I've been doing my Circle + Bloom each night for the past few days after I take my bath.  I'm not sure if its helping as of yet because last night I had a difficult time sleeping; I hear every noise in the house when I'm its only occupant.  J wasn't here in the house like he normally is after work.  Yesterday J had his CQ duty 24 hour shift.  He got home about an hour ago and is now sleeping.  I'd snuggle up with him for a bit of relaxation but he is a restless sleeper that snores.  Much as I love him I'm starting to think we need separate bedrooms so we both get a good night's sleep.  I'm a light sleeper and easily awakened, and not necessarily in a good mood when woken up.

Yes I know that sounds terrible but really, I can see why folks sleep in twin beds if they have cover issues. I can understand why some folks, a century ago, slept in different rooms; makes for better sleep and a better marriage too in my book.  My husband steals the covers, hogs the bed and snores, which keeps me awake or gives me very little sleep.  Mind you sleep is very important in an IVF cycle when one wants to maintain good health. 

Maybe its because J was away from me for so long with the deployment, hardship tour, and training.  Maybe that is why he has such poor bed sharing skills.   I love our bed, I love my husband but I can't sleep in the same bed with him and find it relaxing at all.  Its more a battlefield for space, warmth, and silence.

So maybe this Kirigami will help me release a bit more stress.  Maybe I can do it mindlessly so that I can figure out solutions to the sleep issue.  When I knit I let my mind wander but knitting hurts my hands.  So maybe this will be my new craft for this year.

Its All Here

Finally the rest of the medicine arrived today.  I was waiting on the micro dose Lupron to arrive via Fed Ex.  Now all my meds that need to be in the fridge are in the fridge and the rest are on a shelf in the dining room where I do my injections.  The micro dose Lupron is in the bin on the left, but the Menopur basically hides it.

My husband is home today and was there when the Fed Ex truck arrived with my medicine.  I was a bit surprised at how big the box was for such a small bottle.  It came in a small cooler which wasn't a surprise but the sharps container and the needles were a nice bonus.  We used an old 2 liter soda bottle for the last needle disposal.  I still have plenty of room in the bottle for this round of injections.  Why would I think to not use the sharps disposal this time?  Well I don't know really but since I already have a disposal container going why bother to start another one is what I'm figuring.

In about two weeks I start my first round of injections for this cycle.  Since we are doing the micro dose of Lupron I'll be starting with the shots on the 14th of January after my first suppression scan.  I'm kind of worried about starting so late with the shots as I'm an early ovulater.

Originally I would have started the Lupron regular dosage on the 1st of January, the same day my husband is going to take his antibiotics.  I have to say, "Yay", to not having to take as many shots though in the end it will even out since I'll be doing two shots of the micro dose Lupron daily when I do start them.

Another difference this time around will be that I won't be doing the PIO shots either.  No, its not because of the pain as they really didn't hurt my hard ass except when J forgot to let the alcohol dry fully before stabbing me with the needle...that hurt!  But its because J is going to be taking on several new hats with being on Rear Detachment for this deployment.  This means he won't be around and if he deploys soon he definitely won't be around to give me the shots either.  We opted to go with the endometrin suppositories this time.  I guess I'll be stocking up on panty liners next time I go shopping.  Better yet I'll buy the super long size from online and skip the odd looks at the grocery store check out line.

So now I'll go do some research to find the best online deals on pantyliners.  We'll see if buying on line saves me money or if the embarrassment of buying them by the case at a store is worth the savings.

So Not O.Kays

Sorry not the best of photos of my hand but the camera I have is fading fast.  I took the photo of my wedding rings for a reason and I shall now explain why.

During the first miscarriage, the October IVF miscarriage to be precise, I got angry.  I hated everything for a bit.  I even managed to break my wedding band. 

My engagement ring is a marquise set in platinum and the wedding band is hinged and set in white gold.  Because it is hinged it wraps about my engagement ring protecting it.

I won't go into details on how I broke the band and I did discuss it in detail as to why I did and how with my psychologist.  The thing now is that it is fixed but still not right.  J bought the engagement ring for me from a local jewelers in my hometown.  The wedding band he purchased from a chain store.  The chain store is so not O.kays with fixing things right.

There is your hint on who we got it from and who fixed it with the "o.KAYS".  Sure they have a warranty and they say they'll fix it but they don't fix it right.  It took two tries and five weeks to get it even this close to fitting right.  How hard is it to fix a hinge?  Not that hard.  I used to make jewelry and fix jewelry.  I was told by not O.kays that if I brought it back in again after the holidays they would make it right this time.

I was so frustrated with their second feeble attempt at fixing my ring and the fact that they wanted to send it away for a third time with my engagement ring this time that I broke down into tears in the mall.  Yes, I let the flood gates open.  I was warned it could happen if I held it back for way too long.  O.Kays argued with me that the ring was fixed right too.

I told them the engagement ring is all I have left of us if he deploys soon.  I can't surrender that not knowing if I'll get my diamond back.  They assured me that nothing would happen to my diamond as its inscribed on the diamond with a special number.  I've heard before that other women's rings were replaced with glass at some jewelers.  Its not like I have the proper tools here to test it to make sure its my diamond either. 

I explained to Not o.KAYS that I didn't know why they couldn't just put in another ring similar in size to mine at the place where its being fixed to make sure it closes properly.  I even made them take similar engagement rings out of the case to prove my point.  Oh and guess what, they had a person trade in my style band that very day.   So after looking at the other band and looking at mine they realized with a , "hmmm" that they were wrong and I was right.  Not that o.KAYS would admit to upsetting me in the least.

So here is my advise, don't buy from them if you can help it unless its a very simple design that is extremely popular.  In my case my ring basically a limited edition that can't be sized and to them is nearly impossible to fix.

I saw this as a sign that my marriage will never be right again, like my wedding band, and I'll just have to accept that its changed.  Losing two babies in such a short period of time does hurt a marriage.  Its now time for us to put the pieces back together and work through this before we start the next round of injections in a few weeks.

I've found a new marriage counselor for J and I.   J is going to his own counselor and I have mine too.  Talk therapy, just like blogging can help but with a genuine counselor at least you can get some good feedback pointing you in the right direction.  I didn't like the last marriage counselor we had, he always took my husband's side because he is a soldier.  We need a neutral party and I have hope that this new counselor will be the one.  I even requested a male so that my husband doesn't feel awkward opening up.

Annoyed With The Army

Dear President Obama,

I love my husband.  I love being an Army Wife.  But there are a lot of things I don't love about this life right now.

My husband just called me to inform me that OCS (officer candidate school) is no longer an option.  I'm pissed.  This has been his dream since he enlisted 4.5 years ago with his bachelor's degree.

When he was stationed in Korea he started his OCS packet.  That was 3.5 years ago.  The Army told him he had to wait a bit.  He didn't want to wait. 

After Korea he got stationed here.  He told his command that he wanted to go to OCS.  They said its not going to happen because of the upcoming deployment.  Again he had to wait.

He deploys and finds out that he can still get all the paperwork together while deployed.  He worked his butt off over in Iraq to get his physical and papers signed.  He gets home and is told he has to wait.  He waited as a good soldier ought to.

He waits.  His references expired.  So he got new references.  He was told again this summer to wait because of the next deployment.  He waited.

He then gets told that they are going to have a board in July before the mini deployment but that the folks at the board won't be ready for him.  He is told to wait until after the mini deployment is done.  He waits.

He gets back and tries to get his packet submitted yet again.  This time he is told that things are changing and there won't be another board this year.  He is told to wait until today for the seminar.  He waits. 

He goes to today's seminar.  He is now told he is too old.  They now have a cut off of 28 for OCS unless he was part of the reserve component.  He isn't reserves.  The Army killed his dream.

Is this how our Vets are being treated?  Why are their dreams being killed?

He listened to them and waited.  He did as he was told.  He went off to war.  He waited again as was told.  Now they are telling him its too late. OCS is the reason why my husband went into the Army to begin with.  He was given a promise that with his education the Army would be foolish to waste him on anything but being an officer.

Sincerely,
R

(Oh and I so did email this to him at the White House.  I am angry.)

Trigger Shot Time

Right now I'm sitting here blogging while I'm waiting for yet another phone call.  I always seem to be waiting on phone calls from my REI of late.

In the next hour the phone call I get should be from the SRM office in Seattle.  I'll get my time for my egg retrieval and the time that I'm to take my trigger shot.

I'm ready.  I'm nervous.  I'm excited.  I'm depressed.

My ovaries are starting to fail me.  We almost cancelled this IVF today.  Yes, the count is that low.  I have only 5 follicles there and some are as small as 9 mm right now.  I doubt some will be viable.

We were counseled on how to proceed.  I was hesitating on going through with the IVF, not because of the cost, but because it might not be worth the egg retrieval.  But, if we went to an IUI I know we would be wasting our money.  Four IUI's and not one of them worked what is to say another would work.

Dr. C. gave us the choice and I swear he was leaning towards the IUI but my husband thought differently.  J thought that Dr.C. had some positive news and thought that we could achieve a pregnancy still though, the odds are lowered with less candidates.

If this IVF cycle fails, and I count a miscarriage as a fail, then we won't be able to get into another cycle until March.  Had we decided to go with the IUI they could have gotten us into the next IVF cycle which is January.

Because there is still a possibility of my husband deploying we opted to go with the IVF now.  Fingers crossed it will work.

I won't be having a day 5 transfer, I'll be having a day 3 transfer.  This means that Saturday I'll have my embryo/s put in me.  If I even have any to transfer.

I'm afraid to hope.  I'm really depressed thinking that none will make it that stage of transference.  I want a baby so bad. 

After we received the results of the ultrasound, my lining is 9.2 right now, and the number of follicles, I wanted to cry.  I really didn't think we had a snowball's chance in hell of conceiving.  I really hope that my despair is soon gone.  I'm trying to think positive but I'm actually afraid to have hope.

Oh and if I hear one more person tell me I should adopt I think I might lose my calm and do something I really shouldn't.  Seriously if you can't say something supportive and can only tell me, "its just not your time", "it wasn't meant to be", or "you should adopt", then perhaps you should hold your tongue.

Wednesday Woes

Well its Wednesday and I've got news to share.  I thought about making a post about my weight but decided that its well, not worthy of an entire blog post.  I did lose some weight this week.  I had gained quite a bit last week from all the eating out my spouse and I had done.  For the month I've lost a grand total of 2.8 pounds.  Its not much and its still far from what I wanted but its still in the right direction.

My hope of the Lupron injections calming down my endometriosis pain and bleeding came to a hault last night.  The pain started up before the shot and never went away after the shot.  No, the pain got worse and the bleeding started again.  Thankfully it has once again subsided.  I've kicked J to the living room on most nights now because I've become such a restless sleeper with the nightmares.  The pain also causes the restless sleep.  I'd love to have him sleep next to me but right now its just too difficult for even me to get to sleep.

I gave myself the injection last night.  I had it all prepped for J with the areas swabbed that needed to be swabbed.  He almost dropped the uncapped needle.  I then took it away from him and said I'll give myself the shot.  His hands were a bit shaky.  Maybe its because he had gotten his flu mist, anthrax vaccine and another shot yesterday.

Yes, I said Anthrax.  Its all part of him getting ready to deploy.  I'm still hopeful that someone will let him stay behind but I have my doubts.  Today he is drawing his gear for the deployment.

Because he is going to be getting equipped we canceled our marriage counseling session that was scheduled for today.  Counseling helps with the infertility issues we are facing.  As I see more doctors, and J falls asleep during the appointments, he feels like he isn't getting enough attention.  Its true, the focus has switched to my health and finding ways to improve it before we get pregnant.  I'd rather not have this particular attention.  I'm starting to feel rather used.  I feel emotions that I'm having troubles keeping to myself, thank you hormones.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my PCM, Dr. G., to renew two scripts.   Dr. G. listened to my heart and lungs and noted my murmur was audible.  Yes, I know I have a murmur.  I know it could cause more issues in pregnancy and I'll deal with that when it happens.   I did walk part of the  way to my appointment and J picked me up and drove me the rest of the way.  He was doing his pre-deployment stuff at something called SRP and with one vehicle I've learned that I can't depend upon him to be there to give me a lift.  Even though I'm not supposed to be walking far because of my back and ankle problems I find it one of the best modes of transportation.  So I walked the 2 miles back home, in pain, but I did it no less.  He had to get back to SRP and couldn't be there to chauffeur me around.

Now I'm off to go bake cookies for the soldiers at the COF.  Every other week I bake one particular type of cookie that is highly requested and this is the week that it gets baked. So today its Chewy Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip Cookies!

All My Ducks In A Row

As of this morning I made the final two appointments that I was required to make in order to possibly secure that letter recommending that my spouse be allowed to stay with me during part of the hopeful pregnancy.  I had to make a few extra calls this morning but it was worth it.

I called my REI clinic to ask why the MFM (maternal fetal medicine) folks had yet to call me back.  I was supposed to be called back within 24 hours of Thursday.  Its Monday here.  After chatting with Cpt. S-D. I explained the situation about the prior MI I had in March 2009, the beta blockers and water pills I've gone off in order to prepare my body for pregnancy and the fact that I have to see my cardiologist biannually.  She seemed quite concerned all of a sudden about me.  Its not like I didn't tell her the other day about the issues.  Whatever.

I called MFM directly after getting the number from Cpt. S-D.  They asked if I was already pregnant, I wish, and I told them that no I'm not but we are going through an IVF cycle.  I'm now scheduled for the 23rd of September.  At last we might get somewhere with that letter if they choose to listen to me and actually pay attention to my chart.

I was able to get my walk-in appointment scheduled with Cardiology for October.  Yes, a walk-in has to be scheduled, this is Tri-Care we are talking about.  I won't be seeing Dr.K. as he is retiring.  I will be seeing Dr. V. instead.  Never met the chap but I do hope he will at least take a few minutes before seeing me to familiarize himself with my file and Dr.K's notes.

So if I seem like a bit of a pessimist today its because I'm in pain again today.  Bear with me folks.  Most of the time the doctors I see I rarely will see again.  They aren't interested in my feelings, nor the fact that my spouse will deploy or any other conditions that I have other than the reason that I'm being seen in their specialty clinic.  If they took the time to actually look through my computer chart it would mean they wouldn't be able to see as many patients as they do now.  It means that I will take time away from someone else.  Its sad but true.  I get shoved aside because they are understaffed.  I've been given medicines that I can't take and refuse to take that the doctors think will cure my ailment without realizing that they conflict with the other medicines I'm currently taking or might cause another one of my medical problems to flare back up.

I'm not a hypochondriac, I do have real medical issues.  Its not all in my head unless you are referring to the neurological problems from the fibromyalgia.

So I'm hoping that with the four new doctor appointments, all specialists, maybe one will be able to help me out.  Remember I'm not asking the Army to go to war understaffed, they have plenty in my spouse's job for help.  I am, however, asking that they consider letting him stay home for the entire IVF cycle and part of the pregnancy.  If I miscarry REI has told me they'd be able to get me into another cycle right off.  I can't do this if he is gone, well at least I can't do it without banking his sperm and who's to say I'll even think of doing that if I say miscarry at week 12?  He'd be gone by week 12!

So I'm still frustrated.  I'm hoping for some good news soon.  Meanwhile I can't take pain meds for the cyst pain as the acetaminophen isn't working on the pain nor percocet for that matter.  I'm not going to suck it up either, I'm going to write about it, talk about it with my spouse, and in general just moan from the pain.  I'm coping the best way I can without pain killers.