Esophagogastroduodenoscopy Today

I'm scared. There are two possible outcomes: either they find something wrong or they don't and all of this is just in my head because of the stress or deployment then not deploying then deploying and all the infertility struggles.

I'm sitting here thirsty like a person baking in the sun without a drink of water and surrounded by ocean waters.

I guess all I can do is just try to relax now and wait.  I go in at 0915 hrs.  I hope its just an ulcer and nothing that needs to be followed up with further cutting.  Okay so really I'm just frightened of a staph infection.  Its understandable.  They are going to stick equipment down my digestive tract and possibly biopsy.  At least when we did IVF I was given antibiotics to prevent an infection since they were going to be routing about my ovaries and uterus with a honking huge needle.  Now I face being cut up from the inside, if need be; seriously that freaks me out.

J slept in the living room last night.  I knew I'd be tossing and turning a lot last night.  I was up every hour!  He had to get his sleep as we both had to be up at 0400 hrs.

I just want to know why sometimes it feels like something is getting stuck under my ribs when I bend over or stretch.  Its in the stomach area.  Two years ago my PA told me I was exercising too much and bruised a rib.  Well I stopped exercising and the pain never went away.  I had to ignore it to push through with the infertility treatments.  Now that infertility treatments failed and I failed infertility I'm back to trying to find out what the heck is causing that pain.  Sometimes I can just be sitting there and it feels like something shifted in my upper left quadrant where the stomach sits and the pain just feels really uncomfortable like again something is caught under my floating rib pair.

Maybe its just because I'm fat?  I still have about 40 pounds to lose.  Maybe it the adipose tissue getting caught under my ribs?  Oh heck I don't know.  Hopefully I get some answers today.

J is being given the day off to stay at home with me so that I don't do anything stupid after sedation.  Also in case for some reason things go wrong.

Utterances From A Fatigued Mind

I'm tired.  J had CQ duty last night which means neither of us slept.  I stayed up late not wanting to go to bed and sleep alone.  Yes, I realize that I do sleep alone when he is deployed but the one night alone drives me to stay up.

My mind is mush.  If I comment on your blogs today and my spelling is awry or what I say doesn't make much sense its because I've had maybe three hours sleep.

Oh sure its easy for everyone to tell me to go take a nap, they don't live where I do.  Day break means this place comes alive.  There is no real sleep when PT begins each morning or should I say when revelry is sounded.   

I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up this morning; 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up at all, 

The corporal's worse than the privates,  
The sergeant's worse than the corporals,  
Lieutenant's worse than the sergeants,  
And the warrant's worst of all!

I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up this morning;
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up at all! 

And tho' the sun starts peeping, 
And dawn has started creeping,  
Those lazy bums keep sleeping, 
They never hear my call!

You've got to get up
You've got to get up
You've got to get up this morning
You've got to get up
You've got to get up
Get up with the bugler's call

The major told the captain 
The captain told the sergeant  
The sergeant told the bugler 
The bugler told them all.

So yes this is what is going through my head today.  I had my beta today and will get the results later this afternoon.  I'm thinking bfn as any pregnancy test I've taken of late has been negative and I have no symptoms.  Still no AF and its CD30 which makes me about 5 days late.  Most likely I'm just nervous about the endoscopy tomorrow morning.

 

 

CD28

Ah the clomid is working over time to mess up my cycle length I can see.  I normally have a 24-26 day cycle.  I'm not pregnant any more or possibly never was since the two lines I got twice last week could have been a figment of my imagination.  The final hpt was negative.  The spotting has started.  On to the next cycle.

J and I have sat down and discussed more options.  He finally spoke up.  He is worried about my health.  He doesn't like what all these drugs are doing to my body.  I don't either.  We are talking about only trying for a few more cycles until he deploys and calling it quits.  No donor egg cycle.  No adoption.  Just living our lives without children. 

There is no shame in calling uncle when you've done two IVF, numerous rounds of clomid ( I started those when he was in AIT in 07) some with IUI in 2011, and trying natural too.  We've done it all for what we could afford.  Its now getting to the point that if I don't get pregnant soon I can't see myself chasing after a baby if it even ran into the street.  Oh I would surely try but don't forget I often use a cane to walk with; today I used my cane.

So this is where we are going.  We will slowly fade away from the fertility treatments and slip comfortably into middle age knowing that we did our best.  There is no shame.

I've been looking more into pet adoption and will continue to hold off for a while yet.  IF per chance I do have a miraculous pregnancy I want to have a pet free environment.  I was and still am allergic to dogs.  J has a mild cat allergy, his mom has a bad allergic reaction to cats.  I don't want to risk our off spring being subjected to asthma attacks related to allergies.  I have them and it not fun.

For now I'm going to concentrate on fixing my health.  I have an endoscopy this week at the gastroenterologist office. When I eat my stomach gives me sharp pain.  When I don't eat my stomach gives me sharp pain.  I'm guessing here, maybe an ulcer since I've had them before.  Thank you stressful life.

10 DPO, CD19

Not much to report.  The pelvic pain is no longer in the ovaries as of last night.  Now the pain is localized to my uterus.  Its sore, firm and really uncomfortable to bend over and even lean forward while sitting here typing.  I'm still not taking pain killers with the exception of a single 500mg acetaminophen yesterday.

I have intermittent headaches in my right temple, thus the reason why I took the acetaminophen.

Breasts are still normal.

Still getting nausea, thank you endometrin.  Now we'll add constipation to that too.  Joy!

I'm forever tired.  I'm not sure that is a symptom of anything but dealing with getting up several times in the night to deal with the endometrin slime.  The slime is worse this cycle than any other I swear.

Not testing for at least another day.  I have 6 tests left over from the IVF and that means I can test every day until AF shows up.

Oh because I need to have a procedure done on the 4th I'll have a pregnancy test done on the 3rd at my hospital.  Most likely they'll put in a urine test as they don't care how much pregnant I am only that I am or not.  Its just an endoscopy that is being done.  If it comes back positive I won't be having the procedure of course.

J's date of departure keeps getting moved.  Rumor is that he might not deploy now.  I don't believe that for one stinking minute as his mates have already left and are waiting for his behind to show up and get to work.

I'm waiting on all fronts now.  Just sitting here and waiting.  There isn't a thing I can do to change any outcome at this point and time.  So here I sit and wait with crutches ready for the next week.