Grumble, Grumble, Sigh

So its been one of those days.

Last night I finished a wonderful book.  The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman.  If you've ever had a stillborn or miscarriage you'll really understand how the female main character Isabel feels.  I laughed and I cried and cried some more at the ending.

Grumble, grumble, sigh.

What I wrote I deleted.  I'm just not going to go into the marriage issues right now and not here.

 I just don't get it.

I'd like to know why?  I have a good guess.  I've talked it through with him and it comes close.  That's all I'm going to say.

On the diet front: another 0.2 lbs off.  Hey its something.  I still have those late night ovarian cyst like pains.  Last night I was sitting on the floor piecing together a puzzle when the pain on the left side became intense followed by the right side competing causing me to cry out.  Quick as I could I got off the floor and grabbed my right side, holding in tight I made it to recliner to wimper until the pain passed.  Still no sign of AF.  CD 76.  If it doesn't start by next week Wednesday I'm to call my RE office and make an appointment.  Probably end up with chemical induction of a cycle start.  At this point I don't care.

Fibro Flare

I ache from the neck down.  Hips and legs are the worst for pain areas right now.  Fingers are badly swollen and I can't put my wedding ring on.

Okay I give up.  I need a diuretic, AF to get here, some pain killers, a massage, and chocolate gift basket.

Sighs, guess I'll just have to charge up the TENS unit, rub my hands and feet to get the fluid moving around, stretch then stretch some more and at bed time take a hot bath with Epsom salts. 

I really hate Fibro Flares!

Exhausted

Short post.  I'm exhausted.  I need to get horizontal.

Its not the percocet since I haven't taken a dose since 2200 hrs yesterday.

There is some pain.  I'm just so tired.  Healing takes a lot of effort.

After Equity gets here for their yearly inspection I think I'm going to go lie down and nap.

Oh but I need to mention, I did some research on my doctor, Lt.Col. B.  I found out that he really knows his stuff.  So I'm in really good hands.  He has written a few papers on Endometriosis and done a few presentations about it too.  I'm lucky to have him as a doctor.  The other two doctors that I also see from time to time are capable but not as knowledgeable in this particular field.

Inside of Me; photos of my pelvic region

So as you can see this is me, well inside of me.  I went to the RE clinic today for pain management.  Since I can't take NSAIDs Lt.Col. B. opted to give me another script of percocet.  I won't take it often, mostly to help when the pain gets really bad or to get through the night so I can sleep without pain waking me up.

He said that I have stage 2 and 3 endometriosis.  Originally I was told it was stage 1 and 2.  Doesn't make that much difference to me as long as they know I have it and treat me accordingly.

I probably should have labeled the pictures as he spoke so that I could have told all you what is what.  But the grey areas are the endo, the white line like things are the adhesions and the white blob is the cyst.  The cyst or should I say cysts, because I just found out there were two, one was endometrioma and the other was a functional cyst.  One was hiding behind the other one and both were on the left ovary.  So just think, at one point I had three cysts that were roughly 7 cm each.  Geez no wonder I was in such pain.  I guess I'm not a wuss after all.

Good news is that I'm healing well.  I'm bruised because they nicked a vein.  I'm sore because well I'm going to be sore with all that crap removed from me.

Painful Lessons

Sometimes life has its painful lessons.  Listed below are the ones I've learned of late.

1) I'm learning the hard way to put me first.  I know that I've been saying for years now that I need to put me first when I'm in pain but still I some how end up the martyr.  I'm so used to it that I have no idea how to change those habits except with extreme measures which usually involve me becoming quite vocal about how I need to be treated differently.  But just how does one change when they are the cause of their own problems?  If I want to be treated differently I need to set the rules for my own treatment and reinforce the good.  I need to stop caving-in every time someone needs me.

2)  I'm learning that while I'm supposed to take it easy it doesn't mean to just sit there all day and moan with the pain.  I swear just laying about all day makes the pain that much worse.  I know it causes my fibromyalgia to flare up.  Those of you that are able to just lay about all day, I envy you and your recovery time.

3)  I've learned that when I'm out-of-order and a couch dweller I cannot make myself feel better with sugar, fat and salt laden foods.  Sure the temporary effect is just what I wanted but when I get on the scale its a nightmare.  Since my last IVF in January I've gained 14 pounds. I could blame a good portion of it on the hormones and my doctors limiting my exercise to light housework only but really I think its more of a hand to mouth issue than anything.

4)  I'm smacking myself upside the head every time I think about wanting to start an exercise program like Zumba or kick boxing or anything else that most women my age would be wanting to do.  For me Yoga is an extreme sport and even then I've been told to only stretch just so far and call it quits.  Right now stretching, as in yawn and stretch, still hurts my pelvis.

5) I've learned that giving up sugar and salt gives me a headache.  That is a painful lesson that I'd rather hide from doing but I need to ween myself off the refined sugars and added salts again.  My wedding rings were rather difficult to put on this morning making it another painful reminder of why I shouldn't eat Pork Bao.  I love Bao in shrimp and pork but obviously its not good for me when I eat way more it than I should.  I have no constraint when it comes to Bao.

6)  I've learned that the melatonin I'm taking is helping my pain in the left side of my upper abdomen.  Yeah weird huh?  The prilosec after three weeks didn't eradicate the pain but two nights of melatonin and my stomach was feeling much better.  Melatonin is supposed to help reduce the affects of stress on the body and create better quality eggs for IVF.  No I'm not going to do IVF again, my eggs are crap but the melatonin helps with my sleep quality and stress reduction.  Unfortunately if I do get pregnant I can't use it. 

7) IVF does not guarantee a baby.  It doesn't matter how great of an embryo quality you have because I've had two Grade A embryos and both pregnancies have failed.  All it can guarantee is a lighter purse, heavier heart, fatter belly, and pain.  Sorry if it seems like I'm putting my thumb down to IVF but so many of us have learned what I have learned.  IVF is just a diagnostic tool that sometimes works with happy end results.

I Can't Figure Out My Mood

Short post.  It hurts my back and pelvis to sit here and type.  I feel like crying from the pain and I'm nauseated.

Funny how I woke up and the pain wasn't all that bad but now it is.  I find it depressing.  I find that I'm cranky.  I find that I'm just all over the place with my moods.

I didn't take a single pain killer last night but I might just today.

**Update 1050 hrs**
Just talked with Nurse S at the RE's office.  She says for me not to take any more vicodin because the itching means I'm allergic to it.  She noted in the computer my start date and said for me to call back when my next cycle starts.  She is going to talk to the doctors about what I can now do for pain control.  She did suggest NSAIDs but I can't take those with my gatric ulcer.  Hopefully they can think of something a bit stronger than the acetaminophen and heating pad routine.  I'll update again when Nurse S gets back to me  or at the latest I'll update tomorrow.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yesterday was a busy day to put it mildly.  Most of you know that I've been really fatigued.  Well I pushed myself.

In the morning I dug up all of my Lemon Balm from one of my front flower beds and transplanted it into two huge planters.  S will be getting one and later as I split up the seedlings and more herbs she'll be getting some of each too.  I have a green thumb and it seems that no matter what I plant grows.  My back is now hurting from the digging and re-potting.

By 1015 hrs J and I were at S's house.  The five of us went antiquing.  S has her own shop in Fife, more a booth if you will and we went there first.  Next stop was the South Tacoma Antique Mall.  This last place was where I purchased some awesome items.  One item I can't mention because its a Christmas gift for a family member.  I know he'll love it.

So with all the walking we did I was aching by the time we finally got home at 1600 hrs. J and I stopped at BK for some late lunch early dinner before heading home.     I had a grilled chicken sandwich and gave J my fries.  Not allowed fries.  Needless to say the food still didn't sit right in my stomach.  I can't win when it comes to food these days.  I'm thinking some of the upset stomach is probably from the progesterone I'm on.  I vacuumed three of the seven rooms in our house and took a non-asprin for a headache when we got home.

1800 hrs finds me shaving the hair off J's head.  Its grown too long and now it needs to be cut.  Out come the clipper.  He says to use the 1/8" .  Okay so no hair huh?  At this point I have a raging headache that the non-asprin I took at 1600 hrs did nothing to fix.

At 1900 hrs I was yawning as I did up all the dishes.  I'm trying to be more Eco friendly.  I used only one small sink full of water to wash 3/4 of a dishwasher full of dishes.  It was an experiment that nearly killed my back and already aching feet.  Not sure I'll be doing it again either.  I'm a wuss.

2000hrs I was crying the pain was horrid.  The pelvic pain started in.  Mind you my feet, back, head and stomach were already voicing their objections.  I passed out on the bed at 2100 hrs and woke up at 2130 hrs. alone, J had decided to sleep in the living room.   I'm guessing that the pain got really bad and my brain said enough.

I have the next five days free from doctor's appointments.  This week I'm going to busy playing catch up on everything I've been neglecting, including me.  Today I'm doing two loads of laundry and hopefully will get the fours rooms I still need to vacuum finished.  I plan on cooking every night this week too and have a menu listed on the white board.  Thank God I have a casserole cook book!  J has been working some odd hours and I never know when to make dinner.

So there, I complained yet again.  I know I'm supposed to take it easy.  I don't think I know how.  Catholic guilt creeps in and reminds me that if I'm not doing something productive I'm letting evil in...idle hands are the devil's something or other that I can't remember.

Esophagogastroduodenoscopy Today

I'm scared. There are two possible outcomes: either they find something wrong or they don't and all of this is just in my head because of the stress or deployment then not deploying then deploying and all the infertility struggles.

I'm sitting here thirsty like a person baking in the sun without a drink of water and surrounded by ocean waters.

I guess all I can do is just try to relax now and wait.  I go in at 0915 hrs.  I hope its just an ulcer and nothing that needs to be followed up with further cutting.  Okay so really I'm just frightened of a staph infection.  Its understandable.  They are going to stick equipment down my digestive tract and possibly biopsy.  At least when we did IVF I was given antibiotics to prevent an infection since they were going to be routing about my ovaries and uterus with a honking huge needle.  Now I face being cut up from the inside, if need be; seriously that freaks me out.

J slept in the living room last night.  I knew I'd be tossing and turning a lot last night.  I was up every hour!  He had to get his sleep as we both had to be up at 0400 hrs.

I just want to know why sometimes it feels like something is getting stuck under my ribs when I bend over or stretch.  Its in the stomach area.  Two years ago my PA told me I was exercising too much and bruised a rib.  Well I stopped exercising and the pain never went away.  I had to ignore it to push through with the infertility treatments.  Now that infertility treatments failed and I failed infertility I'm back to trying to find out what the heck is causing that pain.  Sometimes I can just be sitting there and it feels like something shifted in my upper left quadrant where the stomach sits and the pain just feels really uncomfortable like again something is caught under my floating rib pair.

Maybe its just because I'm fat?  I still have about 40 pounds to lose.  Maybe it the adipose tissue getting caught under my ribs?  Oh heck I don't know.  Hopefully I get some answers today.

J is being given the day off to stay at home with me so that I don't do anything stupid after sedation.  Also in case for some reason things go wrong.

CD 6

Trial and error continue in my life.  I'm now on cycle day 6 and am starting to rev up for ovulation.  Yup, the egg white cervical mucus is there, and the medium darkness of a line is on the OPK.  I'll probably give it a go tonight and every other day this week.  I figure why not?  What have I got to lose by trying on my own. 

I realize at my age its rare to conceive naturally.  I realize with my medical issues I might get another embryo only to have it refuse to implant.  I realize that I might, just might have a snow balls chance in hell of creating a baby.

I'll take what I can get.

So this is where I am in my life.  Its down to experimenting.  I'm experimenting with my infertility and my diet.  I tried eating a sugary treat with wheat in it only to start belching it back up within minutes.  My right hip is refusing to cooperate today due to the damp cold weather so I'm experimenting with different sitting positions trying to find a measure of comfort.

There is of course life beyond the medical aspect that seems to rule many of an infertiles life.  I'm actively planning my garden.  I will set seeds to peet in the next week.  I'm quite excited to have something edible growing again.  I do the garden thing every year.

I'm also planning a weekend trip with J. We just need to get away from here for a little bit.  We can't go far without having to file paperwork with the Army so its only going to be within the state.  Still it will be nice to have a change of scenery.   I'll be sure to take many photos so I can have interesting things to post in my blog in the future.

Day 3 We'll See

Yesterday you might recall that I baked Wheat Bran Dinner Rolls.  Yummy though they were I was really glad to have on hand the herb of peppermint.  I needed that tea in the worst way.

Oh I ate three of the rolls yesterday for my meals and not much else.  My stomach expanded and it was hurting to get anything else in there with all the belching and acid reflux.  The tea did help as I had my dental cleaning to go to last night and I really didn't want the stench of vomit in my mouth when the dental hygienist had her face so close to mine.

My pelvis hurt more than my digestive tract yesterday.  I finally got a call back from the RE nurse in the late afternoon.  She said I can talk about it all with the doctor, as in you'll have to wait until the WTF appointment, and I was to expect this period to be so painful.  But that if I have a fever, I don't mind you, that they would see me right away.  As for pain relief she said if I have anything left from the egg retrieval to use it.  Thankfully I do have some left.

When sitting in the dental chair last night the pain was bad.  The dentist was tying to not make me laugh but I did and it hurt my pelvic region.  I knew sleeping was going to be interesting.  By the way, no cavities.

I waited until bed time last night, after a scalding hot bath to decide to use the narcotics.  I was hoping the tub would ease my pain.  It helped with the gas bubbles in my stomach and I did belch a lot more.  Why is it always the small intestine and stomach that hurt when I eat bread?  But I did end up taking two of the pills in the night.  I spaced them out.  I didn't sleep much because the pain broke through several times.  Poor J didn't get much sleep last night I think I kept him up with my groaning and complaining.

Today its a bit better.  The indigestion is still bad.  I had one dinner roll at 0500 hrs with J.  I just had another for a "real" breakfast with a glass of juice.   The icy fingers are already creeping up my throat to clamp down.  I swear its like a cold burning sensation if that makes any sense.  I really can't explain it any better than that.

I was going to make oatmeal cookies today but laundry prevails.  I have a load to finish up still and put away.  Plus from the photo above you can see I still need to plow through the rest of the home baked goods, with J's help of course, before they get stale.  Maybe in a few days I'll make something with oatmeal in it.  Cookies are a bit high in sodium so I'll try to find a lower sodium recipe before I conclude that would be the best use of my oatmeal.

Oh and I've lost 0.2 lbs now.  Not much.  Not exercising.  My clothes are getting tighter too.  I want my stomach swelling to go now.

I've Got That Progesterone Feeling

For four days now I've been taking my Endometrin as directed.  The slime isn't all that bad yet.  But some of the side efftects are starting to get a bit annoying.

• My areolas are sore.  Not the entire breast, no just the nipple area.

• I've been getting headaches.  Not too bad, just one bad one so far.

• Increased nighttime urination.

• Being extra tired.

Which considering that I'm trying to grow a baby right now I'll cope.  I'm happy to have Hope in me right now. By week 37 I'll probably be wishing it was the due date and wanting Hope to be born.

This morning after awakening from a nightmare, just my fears of losing my spouse to another woman that is fertile (I think we've all had this type of nightmare), I spoke with J about Hope.    He told me he likes calling the embaby Hope and in Spanish Hope is  Esperanza.  Hmm, wasn't Esperanza the name of the housekeeper that the character Gaylord Focker had an affair with?  Well anyway Hope in Slavic is Nadiya.  I think I rather like that one.  So I'll be calling this embaby by its name in different languages just to keep things interesting I think.  If you know of Hope in different languages and want to give me the name let me know.

In other news, I'll be glad when the swelling in my ovaries goes down.  I can only sleep in one position right now and its on my back.  I try to roll to either side and my ovaries complain.


My uterus is feeling better today.  Yesterday morning and afternoon it felt as though I had been punched in the uterus from the inside.  The transfer did not go smoothly but I think I already mentioned the two different speculums having to be used because he couldn't get me opened properly with the first one no matter what position he tried with it.  The second one was longer.  Then began the swabbing with the gauze 2 x 2's and the other gear to clean off the excess mucus.  Lovely the Endometrin made my inside messy.  Then the catheter bent and it shouldn't have.  Dr.C. didn't have a problem with the mock transfer or the first IVF.  Dr.B. has only ever wanded me so he didn't know the route I guess.


I did feel some twinges of pain last night before bed.  It felt more like pinches but a bit sharper, most likely it was the uterus getting cranky with me.  With luck I'll feel something similar over the next few days or week as Hope burrows deep into the uterine lining.


I've asked J to sign back in off leave today as he will have the weekend off.  No sense in wasting leave days that we might need later on for a vacation or delivery or possible...well I don't want to say it.  He is taking care of me and I'm not going to leave the house for another day.


I did take a warm bath last night and used my brand new candy thermometer that I've had for two years and never took out of the package.  So I made sure the bath was about 90 degrees for water temp.  My legs still pinkened so I'm guessing I'm just susceptible to cold and heat is all.


I'm being as careful as possible without over worrying.  I don't want to add guilt feelings to the stress which would make the stress worse.  I am meditating and last night my blood pressure was a reasonable 124/75.  So that means that the Circle + Bloom is helping.

Egg Retrieval Today

I always said I have two left feet when it comes to trying to dance and turn right.  Well this time I put it on the socks and I decided to write Left backwards on the left sock.  Dr. C. got a chuckle out of them.

J was ushered off to collection right away and I was drugged up shortly after Dr.C. showed up.  Traffic in Seattle this morning was horrendous.   Even at 0615 hrs when we were driving through Seattle it was nuts.

This is the photo of the tops of my socks.  I put our first initials into the hearts and of course I put my "R" on the left one that I wrote left backwards on because I keep telling J that I'm more screwed up than he thinks.

Okay now a bit about my crappy morning.  I get to the clinic at 0700 hrs.  They tell me I'm way early.  I said no that I'm not as my appointment is for 0730 hrs and I was told to be there at 0700 hrs.  Think used car salesman attitude from the receptionist.  She is trying to persuade me that I'm wrong.  Nope not wrong I wrote it down.  Its really that they don't want to admit that they are running behind because my doctor is caught in traffic.  I hate when they lie to me.  My doctor even told me he was stuck in traffic.  I like my doctor.  He is honest.

This is me, caught with my eyes closed trying to get J to give me a kiss for the photo he is taking.  My beautiful hair net is falling off my bundled up hair.

As you can see I am smiling and I do have dimples.  Still not the best photo of me but I'm not wearing makeup either.

J has a big smile on his face but that is because the surgery is now done and we had good news.

9 follicles, 9 eggs.  Not sure how many are mature enough to fertilize but we got 9 eggs this time.  First IVF we had only 2 eggs out of the four or five follicles that were left after the other 3 ruptured on their own.

We have real hope.  Dr. C. will call me tomorrow with the news on how many made it.  I'm excited.  I'm hoping that at least 4 make it fertilization.

Before we left I had two shots of fentanyl and a heating pad before I was released.  The pain was worse this time and I was bleeding more, a lot more.  But right now I'm okay.  The bleeding has slowed down and the vicodin and an IHOP breakfast/lunch have taken the edge off. 

16 hours without food I was starved and I needed to take a pain pill.  I had a brunch type meal of chicken, biscuits, eggs and pancakes.  I pigged out.  So much for my under 2000 calories and under 1000 mg of sodium a day.  Well one day of splurging isn't likely to kill me.  But I have to say IHOP was wonderful about accommodating me with a booth that I didn't have to share a back with another table.  I wouldn't have been able to take some adult or child bouncing in their seat and vibrating my seat because of the bouncing.  So I tipped generously the waitress for being so darn nice.

Delay, Dilemma, or Doom

I can feel a storm approaching in my ovaries.  I know that sounds a bit odd but those that have suffered through IVF will understand.

One of the RE doctors called me yesterday about my E2 day 3 lab results.   I knew it couldn't be good since the clinic was closed due to the snow so they would only call if it was bad news.   It wasn't good.  I can find no one that would cheer about a count of 1064 on only day 3.

I'm taking a deep breath in right now and trying to blow away the stress.  I might end up with a cancelled cycle.  I might end up with OHSS if the number continues to climb.

Dr. B. told me the Gonal-F will have to be reduced from the 525 to 375.  The Lupron and Menopur will both stay where they are right now.

I should have known this was going to happen.  Tuesday I started producing the egg white fertile cervical mucus that we infertiles always seem to look for each month.  I had it and I'm like wtf?  Seriously why now?  Something isn't right.

I should have known when yesterday my pelvic region is so puffy that my 16's are snug from only a 0.6 lb weight gain in two days.  Forget wearing my l4's which were still lose on me only three days ago.   It looks like I've gained 10 pounds.  Today I stepped on the scale only to see another 0.6 added to my weight in just one day.  That makes 1.2 pounds in three days.  Will the weight gain stop?  Its not my eating for sure, I'm closely monitoring what I eat and how much exercise I get.

I should have known when the cramping started and the back pain became almost unbearable.  Usually that pain only hits when I'm close to the retrieval time or ovulation itself.  The pain was radiating down my legs and up my back.

So yes, I'm a bit worried.  Hopefully I'll keep my blood pressure down.  Hopefully the Circle + Bloom will work its magic and I'll just have extra recruits. I had only 5 antral follicles.  I'd love to have 10 so that I might be able to freeze an embie or two.

But I'm being a realist here.  I'm quite aware that this cycle might be cancelled.  I've prepared my husband for the worst.  Now I'm going to hope for the best.

If you are the praying sort would you keep me in your thoughts and prayers that this cycle will still give me that take home baby?  I know its a lot to ask for, but I'd do the same for you.

Finally I Get An Appointment

At 1400 hrs today I'll finally get in to see a doctor.  Or I hope its a doctor that I'll be seeing at my clinic.  It could very well be a physicians assistant or nurse practitioner.  Our clinic doesn't have that many doctors on staff as its too costly to have them there and it would mean that we would receive the best medical care available and we can't be having that now can we.

As I'm typing this my vision is a little messed up.  Its as though the screen is farther away than it should be.  Just another wonderful symptom is my guess.

Last night the sinus headache enveloped the whole left side of my head.  I just want this looked at and some medicine thrown at it before the next IVF is in full swing.

I called my REI nurse and she assured me that if I'm put on antibiotics it won't affect the drugs I'll be taking for IVF.  I was wondering about that since antibiotics affect birth control effectiveness I figured it was sane to ask her for advise on the matter.

So with any luck I'll get something to fix the congestion, I'm no longer producing green with the use of my neti pot, now its just blood I'm so congested.  I need something for the pain in the head too.  Something stronger than tylenol though I doubt they'll give me anything stronger.  Breathing is becoming complicated.  I can eat or breathe but not both.  Taking a deep breath is painful so I'm sticking with shallower breathing for now.  My lips and fingernails have been staying a lavender color, I'm guessing its because my oxygen supply isn't the best.

Remember though, my guesses don't count as I'm not a doctor and they will know better than me.  But my guess is that the sinus congestion is now moved towards my lungs and might be giving me a touch of bronchitis. 

Wish me luck on getting the proper treatment.

CD 19 10DPO

I'm waiting for answers as its now CD19 10DPO.  I'm seeing just the control line on the HPT.  Yes, I know its really early still.  I know that I shouldn't be testing at all until CD25 or 26 but I can't wait.

I'll let you guys determine in your minds my possible outcome.

Here are my symptoms:

• Breasts are so sore that a hug good bye last night, while wearing my winter coat almost brought tears to my eyes.  They are swollen, heavy, really heavy and even the blanket hurts when I sleep.  Bending over makes them move in my bra and it hurts.
• I had pink spotting for a minute just after midnight when it became 9DPO.  Nothing since.
• I've been getting uterine twinges of pain since 8DPO through yesterday.  
• Forgetfulness.  
• Dizziness
• Nausea
• Fatigue, I've been yawning sleepy for a few days starting about 1400 hrs and onward.
• Bloat.  My 14's are tight enough with just 1 pound of weight gain in a week.  I'm back in my 16's.  Oh no wait gain from yesterday's feasting either, I gained the one pound slowly over the week with no change in weight from Wednesday to Friday.
• Slight irritability but its due to the other conditions because I can't get comfortable.
• Headache
• Sensitivity to smells.  Ugh unwashed body near me yesterday almost made me puke.

I'm sure all of the above can be attributed to PMS and other issues I have.  I know the ovary pain when I have an involuntary stretch is a real killer on the left side.  The left ovary I ovulated from this cycle.  So if I'm not pregnant this is going to suck with an ever increasing cyst.  I've had them before. The 9 CM cyst from hell.

I have to pick up my IVF meds soon.  I was going to pick them up and store them in the fridge but if I'm pregnant I'm not going to need them so why bother?  I'll know soon enough when the red witch shows up to curse me once again.

According to my IVF calendar I don't start the birth control until the 18th of December and I have three packs on hand here; so there is really no need to go pick up my medicine from the pharmacy this very day.  I can wait a week or two or three since I won't be starting the injections until around the 11th or 12th of January.  Might as well keep the fridge for food and not drugs as long as possible.

Besides its a holiday weekend and my spouse has it off.  Might as well spend some time with my soldier.

Now if anyone has any guesses, its still really hard to tell, put them below in the comments.  I'm not going to yell at you if you were wrong.  Remember I'm not a spring chicken in the IF world so its not like I have a high probability of getting pregnant.  I'm not lucky enough to be blessed with Michelle Duggar's fertility.

Miscarriage Day 2

Letting go of a hope and a dream is never easy.  I had really big hopes and dreams for JR.  I had hopes that I would get to give it a real name as it grew within my womb.  I had hopes to one day feel it quicken.  And yes I had hopes of changing its dirty diaper, cleaning up its trail of toys through the house, and worrying as it went to school, dates and college. 

Now I just have to let go of all those hopes and dreams for this particular baby.  My tally of losses is now increased by one.  I've now lost three.  I'd rather not keep count but who among us infertiles has not keep count of their near and dear almost hopes and dreams.

Within a few months of arriving in Washington State I met someone that loved to read palms.  I'm not one to take to flights of fancy but she was genuine and sweet.  I let her read my palm.  What she saw scared me and I'd almost forgotten all of the bad until now.  She said you'll lose three children but will have others that live to give you grandchildren but that you won't live long to see those grandchildren mature. 

I thought at the time she had to be mistaken as I've only lost two and we haven't had a third show any where near us.  I felt joy knowing that I would someday have grandchildren, but first I had to get a child.  So okay I've now lost three, I want the ones that live.

With that said, we are going to try again.  Yes, we are now on the list for the January IVF.  This will be our last attempt.  Our finances are taking a big hit with this second try but we are prepared as prepared can be.  I did save up for two tries and I want those two tries before my eggs shrivel up and die off altogether.

I have to admit that I am in a goodly amount of pain this morning.  Emotional pain is pretty high because I am finally alone to deal with it all.  J is back to work today.  They let him have a half day to be with me yesterday.  He cried.  He didn't think he would.  But when you realize that you've lost part of you to never see it grow up, it hurts.  I have no clue what the emotional pain would have been like for us had it died shortly after living.  I'd rather not think about it.

No today I'm deal with my own emotional pain.  Tears are welling up easily.  But I still have hope for next cycle at the same time.

The pain of miscarriage is twisting my uterus like someone wringing out a sponge to dry.  I'll deal with it.  I'm not going to say its going to kill me as I've dealt with Endometriosis for as long as I've had periods but just didn't know why they hurt so bad.  I'm not going to say that I'm used to pain either.  But I will say it does hurt.  I may have to reach for the percocet if it gets worse.

Given time, a lot of time, I will heal my emotional hurts and my physical ones too. 

Pregnancy Test Blank Window

I'm on my spouse's laptop on bed rest today.

****TMI***
Last night I had more of the bright red, thick bleeding. No clots thankfully.  That is of course until it turns to the brown stuff.  When it goes brown it gets all sort of clots in it.

I took a home pregnancy test this A.M.  A digital one, EPT to be exact.  I did as directed and waited watching the little hourglass work its magic, then it goes blank.  WTF!  Yes, it went blank. 

Okay so it has a battery in it and I have to crack it open to separate the electronics from the rest of it for proper disposal.  Besides it does have a test strip inside, this isn't the first time I've cracked one open. 

Luckily for me I could read the test strip.  Its not rocket science and I've no clue how some folks can't read them.  So for today I saw the thin blue control line separated by a white space and a big blue smudge three times the thickness of the control line.  So I guess I'm still pregnant.  Its good news I think.  But the bleeding is scary.  Maybe the bleeding is nothing?

I have yet to call the REI nurse after she told me to take it easy yesterday.  I'm definitely on bed rest today.  J's been very helpful and has loaned to me his laptop, brought into the bedroom my healthy snacking foods (nuts, and such), the 300 dvds in the single case, another blanket, bottles of water too.  He is so sweet when I asked him to do this.  He had to get to work but he took time for me. 

You should have seen his face screw up in agony this morning with the test results.  He is happy but he is also afraid that I'll still lose JR in the next few hours.  We are both afraid that the blood test tomorrow will come back negative.

I'm hoping of course that JR decides to stick around for the full 9 months but I can't make it happen if its not to be.  I continued with the PIO shots this morning.  This one given in the bedroom while I was on my side. 

My bad back is really hating me right now.  I need to get up and move about but I know that the more I move about the less my uterus will rest, the more the blood pressure will rise, and so on and so forth. 

I'm sure many of you out there know what I'm going through.  I'm struggling just like the rest of my infertile cysters to keep my embryo in my uterus.  Each pregnancy is different for every one of us.  If I'm lucky enough to carry to term I'll try to not complain too much about the pain from my DDD, bulging and herniated discs in my back and neck, and the fibromyalgia pain.  No promises though, I knew what I was getting into before I got started.

Egg Retrieval Today

This morning at 0730 hrs I was in Seattle having my eggs retrieved.  I'm okay but unfortunately only 2 eggs were recovered from this cycle.

I am in pain and had to get something to eat before I could take my first vicodin.  The pain continued for over an hour before I opted to take another vicodin.  I'm allowed 2 vicodin every 4-6 hours and it looks as though I just might need them.

I'm not bleeding heavy which was a concern of my doctor's as he watched the nurse stick in the IV line and the blood run down my arm to hit the floor. Oops!  I guess she could have been a bit better huh?

My blood pressure was a concern to my doctor days before hand but today it was holding steady at 116/76.  Wish it were that good every day, then I wouldn't need my Labetalol.

J and I stopped for breakfast at IHop.  I ate half of my two pancakes, two bites of my eggs and I did finish off my 1 hash brown, I gave J my bacon, knowing that I'd need that fuel to prevent the nausea from taking the vicodin.  I'm not really hungry but I am sleepy.

I just took my doxycycline, the antibiotic they prescribed to prevent infection after the surgery.  Good thing I ate because that drug also requires me to have food in my stomach.

I must confess to having stopped at the German Bakery in Lakewood for a pretzel.  The carbs will do me some good and I'll most likely be eating only the pretzel through out the day.

So the physically painful part is almost done with now, just the intramuscular progesterone shots to go through with.   Now comes the mental pain of waiting to hear if my eggs are good enough to even fertilize.  If they make it to day 3 I'll have them transferred into me on Saturday.  I'll know more tomorrow when Dr. C. calls me with the egg results.

I really hope I get a baby out of this.  Its not so much the cost but the emotional investment that is draining.  I'm just thankful that J is by my side through this, though at times he has no clue as to what he is supposed to be doing to help out.  If anyone has any advise for him please share it here where he'll see it.

Oh, and forgive me if this post seems to be a jumbled mess...its the meds.

Blogaversary Just Slipped By

I haven't been in a very good place of late.  I'm letting all those wonderful IVF hormone shots that J gives me nightly change me.  Sure the change in my body has been for the better but the mental changes have not made me a nicer person.

Talking with my psychologist the other day in my DBT group I realized that the hormones I'm on are considered mind altering drugs.  But my psychologist, a Ph.D., reminded me that currently its something that I can't give up without repercussions.  I want to be on these drugs.  I allow myself to be injected nightly by J.  If he can't inject me for some reason, like work, then I'll do it myself.

So I sit here wallowing in my own pity how I've let these meds turn me into a horrible, screaming, banshee of a person.  Yes, I scream.  Little things set me off.  Anything can set me off these days.  I don't expect all of my readers to understand what I'm going through, even if you have done IVF your own experience is very personal with how you respond to the drugs.  However, I'm sure that there are quite a few of my IF blogger buddies that can well understand the challenges I'm facing daily in just dealing with the emotions that flood me from the hormones.

I've let my blog anniversary just slip by.  It was 14 Oct.  I've been whining and complaining about my life for a year now.  Its been a good life, a good year.  Sure I've yet to conceive, I've yet to see my spouse get promoted, I've yet to settle with my NY lawyers my work comp case or even see a single dollar of the money I was supposed to get.  However, I now need to list my blessings. 

1)  I have lost weight.  22 pounds over all with a slight gain back this week from the ovaries of which I was told I should expect.

2) I still have my marriage.  I work at it daily.  I apologize to my spouse when after I've yelled I've realized I shouldn't have.  I apologize if I put the blame in the wrong direction too and when I realize I'm wrong with anything at all.  I strive to make things work.  I find reasons to make it work even when I want to call it quits.

3)  Even if I don't get pregnant I still have a full life ahead of me.  I have probably another 40 years to go and I plan on living it to the fullest even if it is without children.  No folks adoption isn't all that easy and for some of us we will never be the chosen ones by the agencies to raise someone else's child.

4)  I can paint.  No not just the walls.  I have a raw talent that I've let go undeveloped.  I'm thinking that I need to take a few art courses, a drawing one would help.  I love to paint watercolors, not always all washed out but bright and bold.  Its been a year since I've picked up a brush and I have that unfinished painting to finish.  Sometimes I let life get in the way.  Now its time for me to take back my time, my me time, and do some painting.

5)  I'm independent.  I like being a strong individual.  I don't have to have need of others to care for me.  I can do it myself.  Even with my disabilities I can still dress myself, cook for me and a small army, do my housework on most days unless I'm not the one who made the mess.  I like going for drives by myself.  I usually like me, except while on the hormones.

6)  I'm easy on the eyes.  I'm not beautiful but I'm not ugly either.  I'm aging well.  Even if I was ugly I think I'd be okay with that because I know who I am.

7)  I'm proud of my past.  Its not been the best childhood with the abuse and I had a bad first marriage.  My past has created the me who I am now, the strong and independent me.  I like who I am.

8)  I'm able to create.  Yes I say create like its a good thing.  Sometimes others will find my logic messed up but I can still create a witty story out of just watching a single person walk down a street.  I have that ability to entertain. I can take a lump of clay, a ball of yarn, a piece of paper and create something more of it than just stare at it.

9)  I have a good reason why I get out of bed each morning though one would think that the amount of pain, thank you Fibromyalgia, I'm in should keep me there and heavily sedated.  I enjoy life.  I want to live every bit of it that I'm given.

10)  I'm blessed with love.  I have the love of my husband, family, friends and most importantly me.  Yes I have to love myself before I learn to love anyone else.  If I can accept who I am even now at my worst then I can still give love to others.

Those are my blessings.  I'm happy with them for today.  They evolve and grow with me as the day passes into night and the night becomes the morn.

I've Got A Clue

This week my husband and I have been playing board games instead of watching television.  Why?  Well why not?

There isn't much to watch on television that is all that entertaining.  I've also been getting bad headaches, sometimes migraines.  I'd rather not be trying to rid myself of a headache with the television on and bright lights in the room.

This is where the board games come into the picture.  The room we play our games in is the dining room and the light isn't overly bright there so it doesn't hurt my eyes.  There aren't any loud sounds or buzzing noises coming from a standard board game either.  Besides its creating some bonding time between us.

J got me the board game of CLUE for my birthday this year.  As a child we had the game at home but never really played it except to browse through the rules.  Now I know how to play the game and actually enjoy this new version where you can get your character killed off.

I've found out that J has a curse upon him when he plays clue.  The first three rounds we played of the game his character was the killer.  He told me that there has never been a game played where his character hasn't turned out to be the killer, well until last night.  Last night I tried something for him to break that curse.  I asked him to let me choose his character.  It worked.  The next round he chose his own character and again he was free of the curse.  He actually won too.

However the night was marred by a problem.  I started with really bad, felt like knife stabbing me, pelvic pain.  It continued through the night and its still there today.  I'm hoping that tomorrow it will be gone and won't be back.  This weekend we celebrate our 6th anniversary and we have plans to travel.  I'd rather not be in pain.  I don't want to have to stay home or end up in the ER because of the pain.  J is worried about me. He keeps checking his cell phone every 20 minutes to make sure he doesn't miss THAT CALL, if I need to go to the ER.  He's such a wonderful guy and I'm glad that his co-workers aren't telling him to shut off his phone, the Army can request him to do that with his job.

I was able to sit through my morning DBT seminar without passing out from the pain.  Well, see I have a tendency to hold my breath instead of breathing through the pain.  I was bent over in pain but I let the instructor know first about the problem and she was understanding.

I'm starting a rumor.  It was Scarlett in the kitchen with poison and I know she's trying to kill me!  I mean why else would I be bent over clutching my lower abdomen if she wasn't trying to poison me?  Yes, yes, I know its the endometriosis but I can still laugh at myself right?