Clarifying Issues

Okay I think I need to clarify a few things.  DH is a wonderful guy but he is LAZY.  He procrastinates to the point he is called a producer.  Yeah the type that is great under duress but if you need to depend upon him to get a task done in a timely manner forget it.

That is why with my postpartum depression I'm more than a bit cranky with him.  I LOVE him but there are days I'd love to just be able to kick his butt out of the house.

I'm tired.  I know that most new moms are tired.  Add in the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome along with all the other medical issues I have and you have one hot mess.  So I'd like to be able to depend upon my spouse to make the meals but I'm lucky if I can get him to make a bottle up for the baby in the middle of the night.  I get up with him for all but one feeding to make the bottles.  I wash out the majority of the bottles.  Yes he does feed Little E her bottle but a child of 8 could give a baby a bottle too.  Now I'm wishing I had a school aged kid to feed Little E.  But not an ordinary school aged child, no I want one like how I was really responsible at that age.

No I'm not going to put pressure upon my little girl to be super kid but I am going to insist that she keep a neat and tidy room when she reaches that age.  Same rules as my mom had; you take it out you put it back or else it gets thrown out with the trash on the day your room gets vacuumed.  Now to some this might sound harsh but it teaches the child to be responsible with their possessions.  I'm not going to back up my beliefs to satisfy anyone so if you don't like how I'm going to raise my child then go raise one of your own your own way.

Oh does that sound hostile?  Maybe, but at least I'm being honest.

Back to how DH is driving me nuts.  Sure he was a big help in the hospital but he had a staff of nurses to spell him out at any time so he could run home and feed the cat and play on the computer while I sat in a room on another floor in pain and lonely without my baby.  (Normally the baby cannot be removed from the nursery to go to another floor but I got special permission from the hospital to have her with me for a few hours on one day. They put those baby lo-jack bracelets on the baby for a reason.)

He leaves dirty dishes on the counter.  Sugar crusted coffee stains on the counter and floor.  Mind you our kitchen is a galley style and small so it is easy to clean.  He was doing this before we had the baby too so it isn't because he is tired it is because he is lazy.

The top of his bar is a mess.  I just tried to put my camera near his computer on the bar and I had to move things to make room for it.  Papers and games and more junk that should be moved off the top.  Things I've asked him to box up and move to the shed months ago.

I do love him.  I just can't take the mess he is making because I end up cleaning it up do to the fact that I don't want more roaches in the house.  I live in the south and yes we do get an occasional roach in the house given that we share walls with other tenants.  Oh and he knows he is lazy.  He'd rather play than work.  I think we all wish we could do that.  He feels entitled to play because he works hard.  Well yes he does work hard I'll give you that but he has been on vacation now for more than 70 days.  I'd like to have some play time too.  Right now while this is being typed up I'm on my second load of three loads of laundry not to forget the load of diapers and Little E's clothing that I'll be doing tonight like I do every night after 8 P.M.

I think when he goes back to work next week my house will remain a bit cleaner, I hope.  I know that when he deploys again soon I'll miss his messes and his loud ways.  (He walks loud and slams doors without realizing he does it.)  But maybe for a change I won't miss it quite as much with having the baby and the cat for company.

As for me having him buy me the ring.  I do deserve it.  He forgets to give flowers, cards or even gifts for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day, Mother's day, anniversary and so on.  I'm lucky if I get a hug these days as he isn't very demonstrative either.  His wall he put in place all those years ago is stronger than ever and even after 5 years of marriage counseling he still claims he doesn't realize it is there.

Ground Hog Daze

Ugh!  It is just like my life is the same each and every day that blurs into night and another day again.  I'm not sure where the sleep went.

I'd list here for you folks our typical schedule but there just isn't one.

We added rice cereal to Little E's formula to help with the colic issue.  It seems to be helping.  She is now taking 5 ounces of formula every 3.5 to 4 hours with the rice cereal in it.

She is has almost outgrown the 0-3 month size clothes.

No I haven't weighed her in over a week.

I have been taking photos of her every day.

I'm not going to complain about the laundry or bottles.  I'm fine with the extra work Little E is creating.  My main complaint is the DH.  He will have been home for 75 days by the time he signs back into work on the 6th.  He is driving me nuts with his incomplete projects and his falling asleep while feeding Little E.  Even this afternoon I heard the empty bottle drop to the floor.  Thank God it wasn't the baby he dropped this time.

I mean why is he so tired?  I get the same amount of sleep as he does.  I'm up every time she cries or the alarm goes off to feed or change her.  I thought two weeks ago it was the lack of caffeine for him.  He forgot to pick up coffee and lets just say it wasn't pleasant to be around him.  I don't drink coffee or anything with caffeine in it.  But he is still walking around in a daze a week later and he now has his coffee.

I'm still in pain from the endometriosis.  I got my referral approved through Tricare for both Internal Medicine and the Oncologist.  The hospital here can see me for the Internal Medicine of which I have an appointment with them on Tuesday.  I'll try to remember to let all of you know how that goes.  It is an hour long appointment and there is a lot wrong with my body.  Ever since the pap a week ago I can't hold my pee.

Yes the pee problem is that bad I thought I should complain about it here.  Before I had the pap I would have a bit of a dribble issue since giving birth.  Just today I squatted down to play with Little E on her play mat and I had a gush of pee.  What sucked is that I thought a pantyliner would contain it all today.  Back to wearing a pad for me.  Nice ass rash to go with it too.  Damn super sensitive skin.  I'm about ready to use some of Little E's diaper ointment.

I'm still having bruising without hitting anything.  I'll have to remember, hahahaha, to tell the doctor on Tuesday about that little issue.  I'm still taking the iron pills three times a day.

I also have my mammogram appointment on Tuesday.  I hope I remember to pack deodorant to use after the appointment.  Living in the south in the summer without wearing deodorant is something I'd like to never experience.

We went out this week to my dentist.  I had to get a crown re-done.  I needed it while pregnant but had to wait.  After the dentist the three of us went to get some of my jewelry inspected.  I decided while there, since DH did not get me a single thing for giving birth not even a thank you or an I'm glad you are still alive, that it was time that I got myself a nice piece of jewelry.  Oh I made him use his card and sign for it even though I do the finances in the family.  Here is a photo of what I bought myself:

It is a raspberry rhodolite with vanilla and chocolate diamonds set in 14k strawberry gold by Le Vian.  DH now has something he can add to and he'll get reminders to do so.  All of my stuff will go to Little E some day so he can't really complain too much.  Besides I think I deserve it.

After the jewelers we stopped for lunch.  Little E slept through the whole one hour meal.  DH took her to the men's room to change her diaper for me too.

I'll leave you with a photo I took this week of Little E.

2 A.M. At The Cat's Pajamas

While reading this book I felt close to the character Sarina in that I've had a divorce and that I tend to hide in the kitchen a lot when there is a party going on in the other room.  I felt her social inadequacy.  I felt her pain at watching her life not living up to her expectations.

Earlier this year I hosted my own baby shower.  I didn't like the fact that I had no relatives living close enough to through this shower for me but it was something I wanted to do as a right of passage.  Mainly because I knew that this would be my only baby and also because I was in the processing of moving to the other side of the United States.

Ending one chapter in my life and beginning another one is something that is rather difficult for me.  Maybe others find it no problem to transition from being childless to having children and moving to another city but I do.  I still don't have a support system in place at my new duty station.  I really didn't have a strong enough one at the last place I lived either but at least I had one.  I still haven't made friends here.  I'm a quiet person.  I'm sure some probably find that hard to believe but it is true that I'm an introvert.

At my own baby shower I stayed in the kitchen for most of the day.  I prepared the place for the shower.  I made the decorations.  I cleaned up the place after everyone left.  I just felt out of sorts with so many people there that I didn't really know.  Yes, I invited folks I barely knew to the shower because my husband worked with them and he wanted people there he would feel comfortable with too.  It was nice meeting new people but also painful at the same time.  I didn't know if I was being judged and found lacking or being judged and found satisfactory for a military spouse.

Often my fears of socializing keep me from going out to events that otherwise I'd love to attend.  I judge myself too harshly and have too much baggage much like Sarina to fully enjoy myself and let go.  Maybe it is a bit of good paranoia to wonder if the people around me are wanting to be my friends or if they are just wanting to be around me because they feel sorry for me.  Either way I try to keep the true me veiled and end up holding myself back from succeeding in life.  I really am the reason why my own life often doesn't live up to my own expectations.

This post was inspired by 2 A.M. At The Cat’s Pajamas by Marie-Helene Bertino, a novel about hope, love, and music in snow covered streets of Philadelphia. Join From Left to Write on August 28 we discuss 2 A.M. At The Cat’s Pajamas. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

So the Endo Continues to Give

Today was my follow up appointment with my OB/GYN that did my hysterectomy after I gave birth 6 weeks ago.  All is not well.

He has now referred me to the oncologist for gynecology.  He has also told me that I'll be needing more surgery soon and that the oncologist will most likely be doing the surgery robotic style.  Is that a good thing?  I wonder.  But I'll be getting more information as soon as I get a call back from my new doctors at Internal Medicine.

Tricare has deemed it necessary to send me to Internal Medicine for my primary care and not a general practitioner.  I should have realized it would happen sooner or later.  I'll also be needing to see someone for pain management but I was told at Internal Medicine that they only see active duty in their clinic for pain management and that I'll be referred out.  Endometriosis just keeps on giving!

During my exam today the pain was bad when the doctor palpated my pelvic region.  He said it is healing well.  Okay but the pain just sucks.

Just One Picture

Had to share.  She is ready to roll.

So Not Doing That DRUG

I'm sorry to say but I'm quitting.  Screw breastfeeding; oh wait baby girl can't breast feed on my nipples anyway.  What I'm actually saying screw it to is the milking.  I'm so not taking domperidone.

Nope not doing it.  I value what little health I have left.  I have IBD and I can only imagine what it would do to my bowels.

I get migraines...I don't want to be in such pain I can't even care for my kid.

Many of you know that I don't respond well to hormones and most drugs with side effects that can be bad; well somehow I end up really sick from them.  I can't even use band-aids without either breaking out or blistering from the adhesive.  Sometimes I even lose layers of skin from the adhesives they use in the hospital to cover the iv lines.  Yeah I have two scars from the adhesives they used on me during the week in the hospital last month.

I'm done.  I'm going to bring back the pump rental this week.  I'm not going to ask my doctor for the pills either.

I have heart issues, blood pressure issues, migraines, fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease (back and neck),  herniated disc in the back and neck, and the list goes on.  Yeah don't need any more issues especially since J is due to deploy here shortly for unknown period of time.  I need to be healthy for my baby girl.  She is doing just fine on formula.

My pump rental is only month-to-month and that first month is expiring in a few days.  I'll be returning my pump this week.

I have a manual pump of which I can use to express my milk IF I FEEL up to continuing to express the milk.

I have had no extra milk production from the fenugreek capsules, the lactation cookies or the milkmaid tea.  So I won't be purchasing more of these.  Why waste my money?

This Is All I Get

Hey Folks,
I appreciate all the information that you have sent my way when it comes to breast feeding and pumping.  I do pump on a regular basis.  I don't get a lot.  As a matter of fact I'm going to take a photo of my pumping session to show all of you just how much I get.  First I have a few minutes to type a bit before I start my pumping so I wanted to let all of you know about how things are going thus far.

My brain is fried.

I wake up with a headache.

I'm up to all hours of the night with Little E.  She is worth it.  I'm trying to read to her, read another book for myself of which I'll post a blog entry on later this month for my book club, catch up on the computer and twice a month do the billing I used to do.  Eventually I'll open up my Etsy shop again, however, I can't see that happening until early next year.

Right now I'm lucky if I can finish my cup of milkmaid tea in just one reheating of it.  Oh wait that isn't going to happen again today.  But it is all worth it and I will get used to lukewarm tea, very little nutritious food since it is grab and go at this point, and hopefully one shower a week.  I can deal with going around in work out clothes in the house and uncombed hair.  The fingernails are horrid with ragged cuticles.  Again I say it is all worth it.  I did plenty of sacrificing to get this baby and I'm willing to give up more.  I just need to simplify my life.  Little E's colic is just a stage along with her day/night confusion.  It will pass.

Okay I've finished pumping.  I pump for 15 minutes and this is all I ever get:

Now can you see why I'm frustrated?  I take the fenugreek capsules 2 at a time 3 times a day as prescribed by my physician.  I drink the milkmaid tea.  I eat more than 2 of the lactation cookies a day, heck sometimes 4 of them a day or more and I wonder why I've gained weight back.

Folks if my doctor decides that the domperidone isn't going to help me I'm done.  I won't beat my boobs up any longer trying to produce milk.  I pump enough each day that the nipple hurt.  I would post a photo of my nipples for all of you but I'm not going to flash my ta-tas to the world like it was Mardi Gras.  You'll just have to take my word for it that my nipples are too big to nurse my baby, the areolas won't fit in her mouth with the big nipples and the nipples love to go flat quickly.

Growing Like a Weed

Little E is 5 weeks old today.

Last night we had to move her to her crib because she likes to sleep like a starfish and can't do that in the bassinet.  Mind you I was quite anxious to be having her sleeping in her crib for the first time.  I know that the crib is set to high standards but those slats seem to be too far apart for my liking.  I checked them and they are just fine, it is just me being an over protective mom.

I still can't nurse Little E.  I'm still not producing enough milk to make continuing on like this worth my time or the frustration and depression.  On the 21st I have my follow up with the OB.  I'm going to ask him about domperidone and if it will help the situation.  I might just have insufficient glandular tissue  (IGT).  I've been using the breast pump, Medela hospital rental, since July 23rd and the milk supply is no greater than when I used my manual pump.  The only thing that has increased is my frustration with myself.

You see PCOS, of which I had, and other endocrine disorders can cause a woman to have less breast milk production and even have the IGT issue.  I might just be one of them.  So I shouldn't be too hard on myself but I am.

I'm still loading up a box of Little E's newborn clothing to donate to the hospital's social services department.  They will make sure it goes to a needy family in the pay grades of E1-E4.  I also posted Little E's bassinet on a facebook group today.  I listed it as free with the three sheets.  I bought it used and didn't pay much for it.  No less than four people jumped on the offer right away.  The first person decided they couldn't pick it up.  I moved on to the second one and am now waiting for her spouse to come by after work to get it.  As Little E grows out of more of her things I'll be giving those away too.  I still have to find a person that would like the maternity clothing I had.  I even have a maternity swimsuit that I never wore that is in the box too.  There are times I'd like to get rid of everything in the house and live smaller and more simply; that will never happen.

Growth Spurt

Little E will be a month tomorrow.  I can't believe it but it is true.

She has had another growth spurt.

As of this morning, J and I weighed her and checked her length, she is now 20 inches long and weighs 9 pounds 3 ounces!

She can now hold her own bottle.

She can roll freely to each side but not quite roll over entirely yet.  She is getting there.  I did it at 1 month 3 days and 1 month 4 days as recorded by my mom.

She smiles.

She chuckles...not a giggle and the chuckle is a deep one that is a bit scary like she is up to no darn good.  I can see we are going to have our hands full with this little princess.

Her eyes have lightened up and so far are the same shade of blue as J's eyes with the same white radiating out from the pupils too.

Nanny Cat

Bugsy is doing a wonderful job at watching the baby along with J and I.

Examples of Bugsy going above and beyond the normal life of a cat:

Today he meowed like he was in pain to alert us that Little E had just had a really bad sneeze and pushed out the rest of snot I couldn't remove with the Nose Frida.  Mind you the saline drops and Nose Frida did a really good job but this snot must have come from deep within.

The other night he jumped off our bed and ran the short distance to the nursery when he heard Little E having a bad colic episode.  She did a big poop and it was contained but barely.  Thankfully Bugsy alerted us in time to avoid a blow out.

Two days ago Bugsy was fussing over the baby knowing her colic must be hurting her.  He got up on his hind legs and pressed his face against the screen mesh of the 4Moms Breeze playard.  Yes he is just that worried about his little sister.

Bugsy is a wonderful cat, great companion and puts all those myths about cats causing suffocation to an end in my book.  He hasn't jumped in either bassinet or her crib.  He hasn't swatted at her.  He hasn't tried to bite her.  We've introduced her to him and they are friendly.  Yes, even with her flailing arms he won't take objection to her and try to harm her.

Each of his good reactions to her gets him a treat.  Maybe the positive re-enforcement is also working?

It just boggles my mind why anyone would abandon Bugsy.  I can understand his first owner giving him up for adoption because her twins were allergic but the second and third owners just neglecting him and kicking him out really pisses me off.  From what I've read on his paperwork from his first owner he was also abandoned as a kitten.

Bugsy has a lot of love to give to his little sister and I love him for wanting to continue to be part of our family.  I can't picture our family without him being part of it.

Thank you Bugsy!