Up All Night

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep.  Its 0221 hrs here and I should be in bed, snuggled up to my spouse but its just not happening. 

I can't think of a good reason why I'm not in bed at least trying to sleep.  But I'm not.  I'm totally awake or as close to it as I have been during the daylight hours.

In just a few more hours it will be daylight yet again.  Maybe its the nausea that is keeping me awake.  Maybe its the pain.  Maybe its my dry, tight, itchy skin that I can't resist scratching.  Maybe its the restlessness because I know what is going to hit soon.

Well at least I went to the movies on Saturday.  I had free tickets to see Captain America in 3-D.  I've never actually been to a 3-D movie and it wasn't all that bad.  What was really cool is that the seating wasn't the normal theater seating but recliners.  I could put my feet up and recline all the way back without worrying about some kid hitting the back of my seat.  I found that rather nice. 

A Day Of Female Issues

So yeah, I'm ovulating this week, well as far as I can tell without an ultrasound and testing.  I had my RE appointment this morning.  It was a consult going over what has to be done.  Dr. Bur was nice enough to tell us, while J kept falling asleep, what are our options.  J was tired from lifting over 2000 lbs of equipment this morning and the brigade 4 mile run.  I would be too.

First off, I'm due for my well woman appointment.  I knew I was.  But its so imperative to get one done soon that they scheduled the appointment for me for this afternoon.  I guess pain and bleeding during and after intercourse isn't good at all.  Well I knew that too.  However, I kind of figured it was just the cysts causing issues.  Even the nurse suggested that one might have ruptured and thus the pain and bleeding. 

It could be also cervical dysplasia from what Dr. Bur told me today.  I've been diagnosed with it before and somehow, must be a miracle, at the next exam with a different doctor it wasn't there any longer.  Okay can I get one of those miracles now?  Read here to learn more about cervical dysplasia. 

Next I was told about my options to continue to conceive.  Lets say its not great since I'm running out of time.  The IVF wait list is a year long.  Its costly at $7500 a pop.  Its our only hope.  Sure we could try a few more round of ovulation induction but that just seems to not work for me.  However, they are having a mini cycle in October.  With any luck we can get on that list.  Pray for us if you would please.  I'm just hoping that I still have a few quality eggs left in me.

So that is how my morning went thus far.  I'll know more in a few days about everything else.  Time is my enemy and its drives me to distraction.  Now I just wait and wait and wait to hear results of the wait list and the pap results from the test that will be done later today.

Aftermath

Yesterday was a disaster.  I cried.  Yes I cried on my birthday.  Not once, not twice but many times.

Yesterday I got my feelings hurt by my own mom.

Yesterday I faced up to some facts.

First off I have to remove that which causes harm to me and my lifestyle.

Second I have to take responsibility for my own actions and reactions.  In other words I too need to grow up a bit more.

Third, I need to realize that I am not a door mat and I do deserve to be treated better.  I need to set my value higher, expect more, demand more, and take less crap. 

Four, saying "NO" is okay.  I don't have to please everybody all of the time.  Why should I when they don't try to please me?

Five, life is about the survival of the fittest.  Maybe my genes aren't fit to pass on but I'm going to give it all I've got until they tell me I'm being unreasonable.

Number six, friendship, love, admiration and respect are all fine gifts.  They aren't earned easily nor given lightly.  If you are my friend it is because you have shown the qualities of friendship that I deem necessary in that relationship we have.  I expect the same with what I give to you.

Last, number seven, lucky number seven.  I need to come first because in the end I take care of me.

I am who I am because of my relationships, my past experiences and what I go through each and every day just to get out of bed.  I try to make each new day a new chance at life.  Some days I fail other days I succeed.  I prefer to not be defined by my infertility, fibromyalgia, food allergies, hypertension, etc.  I prefer to be defined by my personality, accomplishments, and interests.  However, I do need special considerations as needed for my medical conditions.

Today my tears have dried.

Today I apologize for not being the best me possible.

Today I put my big girl panties on.

Its My Birthday

There are no candles to blow out this year.  There are no songs of "happy birthday".  There are no special gifts.  No this year what I want the most can't be wrapped up and given to me.  I'm greedy.  There are two things that I want most this year the first being a baby and the second I'm not able to discuss as of yet.

Its hard not to be blue when turning forty-two.  All I can think about it how my time has just about run out.  I'd give almost anything for more time.  More time with my spouse, more time to create my legacy, more time to enjoy the dwindling sunlight and warm weather.

I'm quite thankful for all the "happy birthdays" I received via facebook this morning.  My former co-workers, family, on-line friends, college friends, and high schools friends are remembering because of an app that its my birthday.  It put a smile on my face for a few seconds.

But yet again my mind travels back to my problems.  I'd love to let them just wash away but its not to be.  I have to face reality.  Even if my spouse were around all the time, not likely given his job, I'd still have to face my own demons.  I'm hoping that I can pull myself out of this funk with all that I still have to face.

On the fertility home front I'm ovulating again but that has its issues as well since the bleeding has started up again.  The cyst pain has increased and I'm more exhausted than before so much so that I'm relying upon teas to stimulate my system.  In two days I'll hopefully have some answers when I see the reproductive endocrinologist.

Folks, normally I want to shout with joy that its my birthday.  I'd want everyone to celebrate with me.  This year not so much.  I've been lucky to share the last three birthdays with my spouse around his deployment and training schedule.  I should be happy.  Somehow I'm not this year.  If it continues I will have to seek counseling as I don't want my blues to affect my marriage.  Sure some of it is the hormone imbalance but some of it is also me realizing that I'm not going to have a child of my own.  That hurts.

So forgive me if I'm not joyous on my own day.  Try to cheer me up, it might help out.

I realize that a few months back I posted this very same video but it still applies especially now.  I would be willing give up my life to bring forth a child.  Yes that is how bad I want this.  Many can't understand this ultimate sacrifice.  Knowing that if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I might not survive the pregnancy doesn't bother me all that much.  I would give it all just to hold my child once.  Some might think that is a bit sick and twisted but I'm sure that my infertile friends understand quite well what I'm feeling.

Military Retirement Plan On Chopping Block

Oh great just what I needed to read this morning in my email.  The military is to have their benefits messed with again.  Read here to find out why I'm upset. 

I'm not sure why Congress thinks that we military families can afford to contribute to our own retirement.  Federal employees will still get their entitled retirement benefits without change so why is it that the military will have to suffer yet again?

I guess J and I are "lucky" to not have children on his pay.  If we had children like many of my friends with the same pay grade we'd not be able to contribute a single dime to the proposed changes.  I know of a few families that can barely afford to feed and clothe themselves on their wages.

Just yesterday J comes home from work and tells me that his co-worker is having to sell his wife's engagement ring because money is tight that month due to a bank error.  They are also selling the game systems and anything else they can afford to part with just to make sure that there is food on the table this month and gas in the tank.

So if they are the normal, a family of four or five on the same pay that J gets, how, just tell me how are they supposed to find money to contribute to their retirement fund?

Congress is making a big mistake by messing with the military benefits.  They are going to have a lot of the young troops refusing to stay in the military because its just not worth what they are willing to risk.

I would rather see my commissary and exchange hours cut or possibly disappear than to have to lose the retirement program that is in place right now.  Much as I don't like to shop off post, because shopping at the exchange means that the money I do spend goes to fund MWR projects in my community, I would go off post if it means that the retirement plan would be kept in place.

I have no voice.  My opinion counts for nothing.  Congress and the President will do as they see fit.  But I have yet to see anything good come of this particular presidency.  We are further in debt, our gas prices and food prices are higher and more benefits have been cut.  Foolish spending by our government in the big company bailouts have caused more poverty.

I'm just a handicapped person with no job, no children, and no retirement plan.  I have no voice.

But I'm still pissed.

I'll Be Back In Time For My Birthday

I'll be back in time for my birthday, just not sure when in time that will be if I get to climb into the tardis for an adventure.  Okay wishful thinking its just a cake, though a lovely one at that.

Yesterday, though far from being my real birthday by days, my husband decided that it was convenient for him to celebrate my birthday as he would be too busy to do so later this week on the actual day.  So after a day spent grocery shopping he announces that he needs to go to MCSS (clothing sales) and check out the possibility of a pair of Oakley's for his inserts.  Okay have fun I'll do my blog, of which I did.

Just as I was finishing up my blog post yesterday my husband pulls back in the garage with my friend S.  They yell surprise.  Okay what next?

My birthday has been moved about for the convenience of others so often over the years that I'm surprised that I can still remember the actual date.  Its not that I'm complaining as he still remembered it was this week but since it will be the last birthday for a while that we get the chance to celebrate together I was kind of hoping to do just that, celebrate on the actual day.  Still its nice to be remembered, right?

He had the Tardis cake made for me.  It turned out beautifully until you cut into it.  I swear the blue frosting has to be at least a half inch thick.  I won't tell you what it does to a delicate digestive system except to say that one piece kept me up until 0253 hrs.

Now I sound really ungrateful.  I'm not.  I'm just worried of late.  I have a lot on my mind with the newest consult for reproductive endocrinology being on Friday.  Friday looms even closer.  We might have to put off getting the dog until next year.  I want a dog, but I don't know how I'm to take care of one if I have to be cut open and no one but me is there to take care of the dog.  The respite care worker I had in place was a major failure and I'm about to remove myself from the program as the folks that Align Staffing are employing aren't reliable.  So now its back to just J and I and he "travels" a lot.

Photo of  J and S.
Back to the birthday celebration of yesterday.  I hauled in a lot of loot.  I got the Huffy Beach Bike that I wanted along with the helmet, bell and bike lock.  I'll have my own transportation about post now as long as the weather holds.  J and I purchased the gems I mentioned earlier this month so, even though they were purchased with me there and they were inexpensive I consider them to be part of my gift.  J did one crazy thing, he purchased a too short, and too expensive chain for the pendant.  It was returned and I agreed we'd shop for one together.  He thought about me and what I needed so that counts.  Many men don't even bother to listen to what we need so I'm lucky in that aspect.

He and I talked about what he had agreed to in the past and he realized that he moved my birthday for his own convenience and how that wasn't fair to us as a couple.  I don't move his birthday just because of limited time.  If I could move my birthday it wouldn't just be the day it would be the year and I'd make myself 13 years younger with better eggs.  We don't always get what we want and we should learn to enjoy what we have.  So yes, I am happy that two people wanted to share my un-birthday with me as its way more than I've had in the past.  S and J put a smile on my face yesterday that hasn't been there all that often with the most recent news we've been dealing with here.

So thank you J.

Thank you S.

I love you both.

Sunday Dogday

Bella came by this afternoon when we got back from grocery shopping.  I called her into the house and asked J to play with her in the backyard after I put down a bowl of water for her.  I went to find her owner.  Luckily T was looking for her.  I swear if she escapes one more time I might ask T if we could keep her. 

T is soon to deploy, he is in the middle of a divorce and just doesn't have the time to play with Bella.  I do.  So with that in mind I think when J gets back home today we are going to give the sheltie breeder a call today and see if we can take a look at her available dogs next weekend.

We really want a dog of our own soon.  I was thinking that in September we could go get the dog of our choosing after she has been spayed.  No its not going to be a puppy but a retired show dog.  They too need homes.  I call all dogs, puppies and all cats, kitties its just how I am.  While grocery shopping today we even picked out a small dog toy.  I'll have to go look through my boxed stuff to find the leash I have and the brush I bought and never used.  I'll need to purchase dog dishes but that's okay we have time before we get our dog.

I guess its basically settled.  Since we can't have a baby we'll raise fur babies.  I do love animals, if I didn't I wouldn't have married!  LOL