Its hard not to be blue when turning forty-two. All I can think about it how my time has just about run out. I'd give almost anything for more time. More time with my spouse, more time to create my legacy, more time to enjoy the dwindling sunlight and warm weather.
I'm quite thankful for all the "happy birthdays" I received via facebook this morning. My former co-workers, family, on-line friends, college friends, and high schools friends are remembering because of an app that its my birthday. It put a smile on my face for a few seconds.
But yet again my mind travels back to my problems. I'd love to let them just wash away but its not to be. I have to face reality. Even if my spouse were around all the time, not likely given his job, I'd still have to face my own demons. I'm hoping that I can pull myself out of this funk with all that I still have to face.
On the fertility home front I'm ovulating again but that has its issues as well since the bleeding has started up again. The cyst pain has increased and I'm more exhausted than before so much so that I'm relying upon teas to stimulate my system. In two days I'll hopefully have some answers when I see the reproductive endocrinologist.
Folks, normally I want to shout with joy that its my birthday. I'd want everyone to celebrate with me. This year not so much. I've been lucky to share the last three birthdays with my spouse around his deployment and training schedule. I should be happy. Somehow I'm not this year. If it continues I will have to seek counseling as I don't want my blues to affect my marriage. Sure some of it is the hormone imbalance but some of it is also me realizing that I'm not going to have a child of my own. That hurts.
So forgive me if I'm not joyous on my own day. Try to cheer me up, it might help out.
I realize that a few months back I posted this very same video but it still applies especially now. I would be willing give up my life to bring forth a child. Yes that is how bad I want this. Many can't understand this ultimate sacrifice. Knowing that if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I might not survive the pregnancy doesn't bother me all that much. I would give it all just to hold my child once. Some might think that is a bit sick and twisted but I'm sure that my infertile friends understand quite well what I'm feeling.
Happy birthday. I hope you feel a bit better for having written everything down, and I hope you're celebrating with a glass of something fizzy.
ReplyDeleteJust watching the video and reading your blog brings tears to my eyes. I was there once....no one does understand it unless they have been there to experience it or is experiencing it. I just wish I was there to just hold you and comfort you. I know it doesn't help much but to just have a shoulder to lean on.
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