Wednesday, March 28, 2012
When J leaves I become the mechanic, the landscaper, the architect, the renovator, the painter. J does so very much around here that often it goes without being noticed and without being rewarded. J leaves and I become the do-it-all super spouse. I am the geographical bachelorette. I'm married and at the same time single.
The first two weeks of any extended training mission or deployment are the worst. I often think that if I don't get out of my pajamas nothing will ever get done. I force myself to shower and get dressed. I know that life does go on and that I have to continue to be part of it or risk it passing me by.
I'm not trying to compare my life experiences to those of Natalie Taylor because she is a widow and I am married. She lost her husband during her fifth month of pregnancy. I do have to say though, when J leaves we don't know if he will be coming back home alive. Oh he will be coming home, they do try to make sure the bodies or what is left of them make it home; that perhaps is the scariest part. The final kiss good-bye, the tears wiped from my cheek, the last hug leaves behind a memory to cherish. The heavy ache I carry in my chest for the duration of his absence can't be re-leaved by shopping, drinking, laughing, or spending time with distraction. The ache has to be dealt with in the quiet loneliness of the night, eating meals in solitude, going to the movies alone, driving to the doctor appointments without him. This isn't to mean that I hide from life while he is gone, as a matter of fact, I do try to live a bit. I volunteer, I get involved with the living so I don't dwell on what I don't have in my life. But I'm just a bit more reserved than some of the wives and I'm always clinging to my phone not wanting to miss a phone call.
Natalie won't get those precious 5 minute phone calls. Her loss is permanent. But we both learn to go on with our lives. We find meaning in our activities. We find happiness in our friendships and family connections. We get upset with family when they get in our way and tell us how to live our lives.
Signs Of Life by Natalie Taylor was provided for me to read and write my own thoughts about by my online book club From Left To Write, therefore any opinions expressed in my blog are my own. I have not been paid or compensated to read and review this book other than to receive a free copy of said book from my book club. Pick up a copy of Signs Of Life and find out just how Natalie Taylor survived that first year without her spouse, you might not be able to put the book down.