Goody Goody Gum Drop Cookies

Today I'm baking Gum Drop Cookies for the soldiers at the COF.  I really hope they like them.  So far the batter is mighty tasty so I have hope that the cookies will be equally tasty.

Last week when Animal Control was here he was telling me how his Ma would make 30 dozen cookies a day.  Wow, 30 dozen cookies daily.  Rather daunting.  But I guess she had her own bakery or boarding house or just was really bored and baked for everyone in the neighborhood.  The guy told me his favorite cookies were his Ma's gum drop cookies.  He said they were made using a basic chocolate chip cookie dough batter but substituting gum drops for the chocolate chips. 

I did a bit of research on line and found two gum drop cookie recipes that were quite close to that particular description, then I made my own recipe.  The above photo is the batter just before refrigeration.  With any luck the soldiers at the COF will enjoy them as much as the chocolate peanut butter chip cookies that they so adore.  Maybe next week I'll make those for them again.

Here is my recipe for the Gum Drop Cookies:

1 cup butter softened
2 cups firmly packed light brown sugar
2 whole large eggs
1 tsp. vanilla ( I make my own vanilla using several whole vanilla beans and about 500 ml of vodka which then has to cure for at least two weeks before using)
1 tsp Celtic Sea Salt (Salina Naturally brand)
3 1/2 cups All Purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 cups chopped fruit slices (aka gum drops)

Cream the butter together with the brown sugar.  Add in the vanilla and the eggs.  Sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt in a separate bowl.  Slowly add the flour mixture to the creamed ingredients.  Note: this is much easier using a stand mixer than a hand mixer.  Finally add in the chopped gum drops on a low speed or by hand.

Chill for one hour in the refrigerator.

Pre heat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

Drop by rounded teaspoon onto a  well greased cookie sheet.  Bake 10-12 minutes at 400 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Makes 5 dozen cookies.

Finding My Happy Place

Yesterday J and I interviewed a person for my respite care.  Looks like we found someone that might just work out.  She's older, a former medic in the military and quite familiar with fibromyalgia as a relative she used to care for has the medical condition.

Now its just up to me to allow a complete stranger into my life.  Its all about trust.  Its hard for me to trust someone with the intimate details of my life.  Do I really want someone to cook, clean, and do my gardening?  Not really, but I don't have much of a choice since I need the help and J is going to deploy.

We agreed today over the phone to have it come down to once a week care.  I can't handle having a stranger in my house on a daily basis.  I guess I got spoiled by my first respite care worker B.  I miss B.  She was a real gem and didn't make me feel useless.  We worked on projects together.  We even planned on having tea together after she left the respite care network but our scheduled never matched up.  I'm happy to say that B has moved on and is now a lawyer and an Army Reservist.

Much of my problem is feeling like I'm useless if I let someone else take care of chores that I would rather do myself.  Its not so much pride as position.  I am the wife of the house.  I have a position here that demands that I take care of matters while my husband is away.  Unfortunately I don't always have all the energy to get the tasks accomplished like a "normal" wife would in a short period of time.  Twenty years ago I was able to work, clean house, cook, and still find time for myself all in one day.  Not now.

So now that I'm letting a complete stranger into my life I'll have more time to find my happy place again.  Its going to take time to get over the self-imposed guilt trip and relax but I can only try.

In other news, at 0715 hrs I was at the optometrist office getting my eye test done so that I can send in my renewal form to the NY DMV.  My eyes, though I had a headache, were within normal limits of 20/25 each eye and 20/20 together.  I'm good to go for another 8 years.  I might not drive all that often but having a license means I have the freedom to go where the road to happiness takes me.

Now to go research our block leave trip plans.  I think we've decided to ditch the cruise to Alaska in favor of day trips that I can better handle.  I'm learning to live with my limitations and its about time I did so.  I'll be less cranky when I learn to control my life and have a few less flares.

Crying Uncle

Its barely 1100 hrs and already I'm ready to cry, not just "Uncle", but cry.  The back pain woke me up.  I've been trying to get more restorative sleep by taking benadryl.  Why benadryl?  Well it helps ease some of the symptoms of  Restless Leg Syndrome.  With the symptoms of Restless Leg Syndrome lessened I move about the bed a bit less and with any luck I'll fall asleep.  Down side is that it does raise my blood pressure and leaves me with a very dry mouth.

Yup I'm whinning again.  But I am trying to cope with the issues as they crop up.  Tonight I have an interview with a potential candidate for my respite care.  I hope that she will work well for us.  If not we'll just have to keep looking.

I wanted to cry this morning because I dropped my electric razor when shaving my legs.  Thank you tendonitis for the electrical pain in my hand causing me not to really just drop it but to toss the razor to the floor.  I stabbed a finger shortly thereafter with a blunt object.  Its okay its clotting nicely.  But what really hurt was when I brought a load of reds out to the laundry room and found that I had left over night a load of darks in the washer.  How could I forget that?  They are now being washed again.  Letting wet clothes sit over night in the washer gives them a nasty mildew smell.  J was looking for some of his uniform stuff last night.  It just never dawned on me that I totally forgot the last of the five loads in the washer.  I swear I even looked in the washer and saw nothing.  I hate fibro fog.

I called J in near tears but had to leave a message.  I've had it.  I admit to failing now.  I feel so useless.  I'm angry at myself for not being able to do everything that I want to do.  I'm angry at the world.  I'm angry when I see able bodied pregnant women when I shop.  They have what I want.  In my mind I feel like I need to compete with other Army Wives and their routines.  I'm always playing catch up and failing miserably.

To add further insult to myself I stepped on the scale and found out that I did indeed to forget to eat enough food and drink enough water yesterday as I've gained 1.4 pounds in a single day.  I had one meal yesterday and it was at 2000 hrs.  J remembered to eat.  I totally forgot.  Maybe he should remind me to eat.

Some of you probably don't understand how someone can forget to eat.  Its not like I was extremely busy yesterday, just involved in laundry.  But often I do forget to eat.  When I miss one meal my body goes into starvation mode and starts storing fats the second I remember to eat, which is usually two meals too late.

I really can't wait for this "flare" period to be over with.  I need to stop beating myself up over it too.  Flares happen for a reason.  Its my body telling me I was doing too much and not taking care of myself like I should.  During a flare I need extra help.  Its not that I'm useless but its more like I need others to be more patient with me because all my chores are going to get done at a much slower pace.  Luckily J is starting to understand that even I need down time.

Blogging for me is a good way to keep track of what I've done and how my body is affected by what I've done.  So if it seems as though I'm complaining a whole lot just remember that I'm blogging for me and me alone.  I'll rant about topics that get my dander up.  I'll blog about health issues.  I'll blog about nothing in particular at times but its just me letting go of something that just needs to be said and recorded for my own reasons.

Too Much On My Plate

The photo on the side is what my husband likes to put on his plate, not what I put on mine but it is a plate from my cupboard no less.

Too much on my plate is more in a reference to my busy schedule, busy mind, and worn out body.  I need to find a healthy balance and what I'm doing is just not healthy.  I need to take care of me.

Today I'm trying to do some laundry, five loads to be precise.  I need to feel useful.  J has been helping out almost an hour a night with the housework and I feel guilty like I should be doing it and still making couple time.  While trying to do the laundry I forgot what to add to the water and what order things should be done in.  I put the wet clothes into the dryer, set it and walked away.  I went back into the laundry room when the next load was finished washing and ready to be switched to the dryer.  But to my surprise I found only wet clothes in the dryer because I forgot to turn the dryer on!  Its so frustrating.

The chaplain gave us an assignment the other day:  find time for each other doing an activity together.  Okay that really does sound easy.  However, weekends are spent grocery shopping, running errands, doing house hold chores and that doesn't leave time for us.  By the end of the day I'm just too tired to even cuddle.  So how am I supposed to make time for us when I don't even have the energy left to draw a bath?

Today we went to the PX to make a payment on my birthday gift which is on layaway.  J is getting me a nice easy to ride bicycle.  I need easy right now.  Easy is about my speed.  Outside of the PX was the Softub display.  I've been wanting a hot tub for a while now. I might be able to get a prescription for a softub which would mean I would get small amount of it reimbursed because I have Fibromyalgia and a bunch of other debilitating conditions.  I could easily afford the four person hot tub but I don't know if I could use it.  Why you wonder?  Well we are trying to conceive.  Hot tubs aren't good for sperm count and I don't really want to run the risk of brain damage to a fetus when I do get pregnant.

Now that brings me to another part which is the biggest section of overload on my plate.  I'm so tired most days that I can barely take care of myself.  How am I to care for an infant?  Its not like I'll always have my husband around to help out.  He works and his job takes him to exotic places where he could get killed.  He goes away for training for long periods of time.  He works more than 40 hours a week, sometimes up to 80 and that is just when he is back here. 

Am I being foolish in wanting a child? 

Would it be fair to a child to have me as a parent if I'm so tired I can't play with him or her like most "normal" parents could?

I have so many doubts circling in my head.  I know what I want but can I handle it?

Pet Refuge

 It seems as though the animals in the neighborhood have designated my dwelling as their sanctuary.  Last year I was on rescue duty for a yellow lab puppy that like to escape its fenced in backyard.  She would come over to my yard and play with me.

This year I've had more than one cat late at night come into my fenced yard only to run when I tried to open a door for it.  Wednesday was the neighbor's English pointer that I took in until the owner could be found.  See the picture of the dog to the left and slightly above.   Last night around dinner time it was an orange tabby.  See the photo below taken in my dining room.

I always keep on hand cans of white albacore tuna.  I guess its a good thing because I've fed more than one cat an emergency meal of tuna, milk, and water all in separate bowls of course.  J and I took turns going up and down the street as the soldiers came home asking if any one was missing an orange cat.  There are several orange cats living on our street.  It was on my final round about the neighborhood that I got lucky and found this particular cat's owners.  I was about ready to send my spouse out for cat food, and a liter box too since it was already past 1900 hrs.

I can't say that I liked how either the dog or cat owners treated their pets.  Why do people have pets if they are going to ignore them?  Why do people have pets if they are going to neglect to feed them.  This particular cat was scrawny, dirty, but yet loving.  It wanted attention, food, and a warm place to stay.  It was making itself at home in my house and it would still come up to me and rub against my legs too.

In trying to find out who owned this cat my husband happened to walk down to the English Pointer's house.  From what he told me he saw that particular dog has a good excuse why it would want to run away.  I think I would too.  If it wasn't for the dog being chipped I would have found a way to keep it.  But as a child when a pet of mine would wander off I felt devastated.  I had to have my pet back.  That is the only reason why I try so hard to find out who owns all these animals that come into my yard.  I think I'd keep them all and have my own zoo if possible.

Growing Pains Of Change

Yes, its another posting about Fibromyalgia.  I'm beginning to think that its ruling my life.

Due to total exhaustion I didn't get out of bed until 1033hrs.  I'm such a sloth.  Most likely its because of the very full schedule yesterday. 

Yesterday I got up with my spouse and stayed up.  There was just no room for a nap or down time in my schedule.

I had 4.5 dozen cookies baked by about 0730 hrs.  The guys at the COF are now enjoying them and it pleases me.  By 1130 hrs my power was being shut off.  But the time in between 0730 hrs and 1130 hrs was spent gardening and wrestling with a neighbor's dog that escaped their fenced in back yard. 

Oh I admit I loved playing with the Pointer named Bella but I didn't enjoy her jumping on me and getting me muddy thus creating a wardrobe change before half the day was gone.  I put her in my backyard and played fetch with her while I was waiting for Animal Control to come and get her.  They scanned her chip, found that she lived just down the street and called the owner at his work place to come and get his dog.  All is well with Bella.  I do hope to see her being walked on the street by her owners.   The most I could do for her was to provide her with a safe environment away from the cars, me to play with and a bowl of water.  I'm thinking that I should keep dog food or dog biscuits around for when she escapes again.  The Animal Control officer told me that the owner said she escapes a lot.  I cried when I had to say good bye to her.  I really miss having a pet and she is very affectionate too.

By 1340 hours my power was being turned back on.  So that meant I had to go about the house plugging the appliances back into the sockets and resetting the clocks.  Yes, in case of a power surge we were instructed to unplug all electrical devices.

We still have an open trench in the back yard.  I wonder when that will get filled back in.  I'm really annoyed with how high our grass is getting and no access to one part of the yard so that it could be mowed.

1530 hrs and I was back home after an appointment at the FLC (family life center).  I come home to find two workmen in my house.  There was no written notice stating that the workmen, other than to shut off and turn back on the power and check serial number on appliances, would be in my house.  One guy had his head and part of his body in my fridge.  I was livid.  WTH!  Seriously you don't need to be groping my food to check for the serial number on my fridge which is located just barely inside the appliance.  I asked what he is doing in there and he said routine maintenance check.  Sure.  Rounding the corner to go use the bathroom I find another man in my hallway.  WTF!  He was installing two more smoke detectors and a carbon monoxide one.  Leaving a mess of white paint and walling on the floor and not wearing the shoe covers thus tracking dirt through my house.

I called Equity about this blatant violation of my rights as a tenant.  I was given the number for their manager.  I let into him and he said he had no idea why they were there.  He knew that the only written notices I was given were for the routine check with the power being turned off, not one for installing a single item.  He apologized as he also knew we had on notice in our records that they were not to enter in to my house without my permission due to the fact that we own firearms.  I was pissed.  He promised to speak to the person managing this workman team and call me back first thing in the morning.  He never called today.

I couldn't hang around.  I felt violated.  My house had basically been broken into with a spare set of keys.  I left and went with my husband to his work place.  I had yet another appointment to go to in two hours so I might as well go clear my head elsewhere.

1700 hrs I'm at the dentist office.  I have a cavity that is two surfaces and needs to be drilled.  Okay big deal.  Its the last one of the bunch of broken and cracked fillings to get fixed. Only a little pain was felt.  More today because most of my teeth have fractures in them due to Bruxism.  I need an occlusal guard, night guard if you will.  It might just be covered because if I don't have one I'm going to lose my teeth.  My dentist is going to get back to me to find out if it is covered.  When I got home I looked up my dental plan and from what I found out, "Occlusal guards are covered by report for patients 13 years of age or older when the purpose of the occlusal guard is for the treatment of bruxism or diagnoses other than TMD.  Occlusal guards are limited to one per consecutive 12 month period.".  So I should be allowed to have one.  We'll see. 

I had an occlusal guard years ago that I had to pay for out of pocket.  I'm not sure what hurt more, wearing it and it not wanting to release and me trying to claw it off my upper teeth, or the fact that I had to pay $425.00 US for the dang thing and not have it fit properly.  I ended up throwing it out.

With any luck the one that I should get will fit me better and be easier to remove.  Thus with a proper fitting occlusal guard I'll have less headaches and mouth pain.  My jaw may no longer be growing new teeth but teeth can shift about over the years with bruxism, not just having them grind down to nubs.  I'll just have to get used to the pain and pressure of wearing one. 

The Respite Care Provider list finally showed up in today's email.  Its such a pain breaking in a new provider and somehow they always fail me.  I'm a push over.  My husband will do the interviewing this time.  Hopefully I'll find someone willing to help me out with the daily chores that I try to do.  Its a real blow to my ego admitting that I need help when I look so normal.

Today I'm breaking in a new occupational therapy worker.  I'll have to be so honest that its going to hurt.  I'll have to work hard if I'm going to break through the first levels of pain so that I start to heal.  I don't like wearing my wrist splints.  I don't like being poked and prodded either.  But I have to grow up and admit that I need to make a change in my lifestyle so that I can do more with less pain.

Waiting For The Power To Go Off

Well I have to say that its only about 0834 hrs and I've accomplished quite a bit this morning.  Because I'm waiting for the power to be shut off at my residence for electrical work in the trench behind the house I'm rather in a rush this morning.

I got up with J at a little after 0500 hrs and have been going since.  I didn't have much sleep last night and I'm already looking forward to the possibility of a nap later this afternoon.  Somehow I doubt that will be possible with the heavy equipment that will take up residence in my back yard today.  But I can still try.

By 0600hrs I was showered, dressed and making the cookie dough batter.  Thus the picture of the eggs above.  I decided to make the chocolate chip cookies for the soldiers at the COF this week.  I even purchased a new container to put the cookies in for transport.  The other was one of those cheap disposal metal pans.  I was always afraid my husband would leave the tray behind and someone would throw it out so I refused to use a good pan for transport.  Now I have a rather large Rubbermaid container that I could actually put a dozen or so cupcakes in with comfort.

The cookies are now baked and stored in the plastic container.  I still have yet to see the workman do much but finished edging out the trench in my back yard.  I really hope that they get their butts moving soon as I'd like to get the power restored before I have to leave today.

I have an appointment with the Family Life Center on post today.  I'd like to be able to go to it with my husband but someone has to stay here while the work is being done.  No, I don't trust Equity to access my home while I'm away.  I don't like the idea at all considering we own some rather valuable items.  So I'll stay here until they are done today.

Tonight I have my last appointment for dental work.  After this its just the routine cleanings, I hope.

Align Staffing has yet to email me with the list of Respite Care Workers in my area.  They said they would, but I'm still waiting.  I'm rather annoyed too with them.  They said last year that they would email me the list and they never did.  I wish there was a supervisor that I could call and complain to but all I ever got was a recording.  A recording that was absolutely useless as no one would make a call back, well not until yesterday that is and that took 7 months.   Some government contracted workers are absolutely useless.

Well enough complaints.  I'm going to shut down J's laptop and go read a book while I wait.