Crying Uncle

Its barely 1100 hrs and already I'm ready to cry, not just "Uncle", but cry.  The back pain woke me up.  I've been trying to get more restorative sleep by taking benadryl.  Why benadryl?  Well it helps ease some of the symptoms of  Restless Leg Syndrome.  With the symptoms of Restless Leg Syndrome lessened I move about the bed a bit less and with any luck I'll fall asleep.  Down side is that it does raise my blood pressure and leaves me with a very dry mouth.

Yup I'm whinning again.  But I am trying to cope with the issues as they crop up.  Tonight I have an interview with a potential candidate for my respite care.  I hope that she will work well for us.  If not we'll just have to keep looking.

I wanted to cry this morning because I dropped my electric razor when shaving my legs.  Thank you tendonitis for the electrical pain in my hand causing me not to really just drop it but to toss the razor to the floor.  I stabbed a finger shortly thereafter with a blunt object.  Its okay its clotting nicely.  But what really hurt was when I brought a load of reds out to the laundry room and found that I had left over night a load of darks in the washer.  How could I forget that?  They are now being washed again.  Letting wet clothes sit over night in the washer gives them a nasty mildew smell.  J was looking for some of his uniform stuff last night.  It just never dawned on me that I totally forgot the last of the five loads in the washer.  I swear I even looked in the washer and saw nothing.  I hate fibro fog.

I called J in near tears but had to leave a message.  I've had it.  I admit to failing now.  I feel so useless.  I'm angry at myself for not being able to do everything that I want to do.  I'm angry at the world.  I'm angry when I see able bodied pregnant women when I shop.  They have what I want.  In my mind I feel like I need to compete with other Army Wives and their routines.  I'm always playing catch up and failing miserably.

To add further insult to myself I stepped on the scale and found out that I did indeed to forget to eat enough food and drink enough water yesterday as I've gained 1.4 pounds in a single day.  I had one meal yesterday and it was at 2000 hrs.  J remembered to eat.  I totally forgot.  Maybe he should remind me to eat.

Some of you probably don't understand how someone can forget to eat.  Its not like I was extremely busy yesterday, just involved in laundry.  But often I do forget to eat.  When I miss one meal my body goes into starvation mode and starts storing fats the second I remember to eat, which is usually two meals too late.

I really can't wait for this "flare" period to be over with.  I need to stop beating myself up over it too.  Flares happen for a reason.  Its my body telling me I was doing too much and not taking care of myself like I should.  During a flare I need extra help.  Its not that I'm useless but its more like I need others to be more patient with me because all my chores are going to get done at a much slower pace.  Luckily J is starting to understand that even I need down time.

Blogging for me is a good way to keep track of what I've done and how my body is affected by what I've done.  So if it seems as though I'm complaining a whole lot just remember that I'm blogging for me and me alone.  I'll rant about topics that get my dander up.  I'll blog about health issues.  I'll blog about nothing in particular at times but its just me letting go of something that just needs to be said and recorded for my own reasons.