Swiss Cheesed

Okay one of us, J or I , made a boo-boo.

This morning I was looking high and low for the honey.  It wasn't in the high cabinet and it wasn't in the lower cabinets where the dry goods are kept.  I wanted honey with my Greek yogurt.

Where did I find it?  In the fridge!

I know my brain has been off of late so it could have been me.  But why would I put the honey in the fridge?  I know that J bumps around in the early morning hours before he has had his coffee.  Could have been him.

This weekend I went into the kitchen specifically to change out the kitchen linen for the laundry I was gathering up.  I grabbed the dirty stuff and put it into the wash.  I go back into the kitchen and just stand there staring and trying to remember what I was in there for.  My husband stares at me.  He knew what I forgot but didn't tell me.  Not sure if he is trying to help by not telling me but when I forget why I came into a room it is really frustrating.  Thanks progesterone!  You are making my fibro fog worse.

But I am thankful that I can remember to dress myself and feed myself so the fibro fog isn't bad enough to cause scandal.

Side note:
Left breast is sore and swollen so if I fell into something I didn't bruise and can't remember doing damage so I think it could be PMS.

I'm So Full Of It

This morning a migraine woke me up.  So I thought the photo to the left would be appropriate.

While taking a nice warm shower this morning and acetaminophen, hoping that the migraine would leave me, I came up with a blog post idea.  I thought I'd tell you all a bit more about myself.

I really am full of it.  No, not shit though there are days that I get constipated that one would think so.  But I am full of knowledge.  I just can't access it like I want to due to the fact that I have fibromyalgia.

J will be leaving soon and I need to find one project in particular that will occupy most of my lonely time.  When J left for basic training through the time he was on an isolation tour to Korea for a year, so that would be 1.75 years all told, I had my online shop to keep me busy.  When J was deployed to Iraq I took a class.  This time I'm not so sure what I'm going to do to keep myself busy.  I've been given quite a few suggestions and I have a few ideas of my own but some of the projects will eventually bore me.

Now as for what I did during the last deployment to keep me busy.  I took a year long theology class and became a certified deacon.  That's right folks I could perform marriages, baptisms, and death rites oh and probably start my own church but that is way too time consuming.

I could probably, if I had the gumption take the chemistry class that I neglected to take in college the first time around.  I do have a B.S. in English which sounds odd because most folks get a B.A. in English.  Why the B.S.?  Well its because I took the following classes: Medical Microbiology, Microbiology, Anatomy and Physiology, Immunology, Immuno-heomotology, Geology, Ecology and the required freshman year two semesters of biology.  So yes that is why I earned the S of the B.S.  Now I know enough to annoy most of my doctors and they have asked me on more than one occasion where I had my medical training.  Its not really medical training but more like life experiences of being clumsy that have earned my knowledge as I do have memory recall issues due to the fibro fog.  Or perhaps my doctors are implying that I don't know Jack and are quite tired of me telling them that I know my body better than they do, case in point, yesterday when they didn't think I needed to come in and that if I just took two Tylenol and called them in the morning I'd be better.

This deployment I'm thinking of more short term classes than anything more demanding.  I'm thinking that I'd like to take a class in glass blowing.  I might take a class in pearl stringing as I do have two strands of pearls that are broken and the equipment to fix them but no real knowledge of how to do it all properly without make a huge mess.

If you have any suggestions on what might occupy my time let me know.  I'm not one to spend all day on the computer wasting my life on video games while I wait for my spouse to get home.  No, I'm one of those gals that has to keep busy so that the lonely hours don't creep up over me and strangle me when I'm not looking.

Crying Uncle

Its barely 1100 hrs and already I'm ready to cry, not just "Uncle", but cry.  The back pain woke me up.  I've been trying to get more restorative sleep by taking benadryl.  Why benadryl?  Well it helps ease some of the symptoms of  Restless Leg Syndrome.  With the symptoms of Restless Leg Syndrome lessened I move about the bed a bit less and with any luck I'll fall asleep.  Down side is that it does raise my blood pressure and leaves me with a very dry mouth.

Yup I'm whinning again.  But I am trying to cope with the issues as they crop up.  Tonight I have an interview with a potential candidate for my respite care.  I hope that she will work well for us.  If not we'll just have to keep looking.

I wanted to cry this morning because I dropped my electric razor when shaving my legs.  Thank you tendonitis for the electrical pain in my hand causing me not to really just drop it but to toss the razor to the floor.  I stabbed a finger shortly thereafter with a blunt object.  Its okay its clotting nicely.  But what really hurt was when I brought a load of reds out to the laundry room and found that I had left over night a load of darks in the washer.  How could I forget that?  They are now being washed again.  Letting wet clothes sit over night in the washer gives them a nasty mildew smell.  J was looking for some of his uniform stuff last night.  It just never dawned on me that I totally forgot the last of the five loads in the washer.  I swear I even looked in the washer and saw nothing.  I hate fibro fog.

I called J in near tears but had to leave a message.  I've had it.  I admit to failing now.  I feel so useless.  I'm angry at myself for not being able to do everything that I want to do.  I'm angry at the world.  I'm angry when I see able bodied pregnant women when I shop.  They have what I want.  In my mind I feel like I need to compete with other Army Wives and their routines.  I'm always playing catch up and failing miserably.

To add further insult to myself I stepped on the scale and found out that I did indeed to forget to eat enough food and drink enough water yesterday as I've gained 1.4 pounds in a single day.  I had one meal yesterday and it was at 2000 hrs.  J remembered to eat.  I totally forgot.  Maybe he should remind me to eat.

Some of you probably don't understand how someone can forget to eat.  Its not like I was extremely busy yesterday, just involved in laundry.  But often I do forget to eat.  When I miss one meal my body goes into starvation mode and starts storing fats the second I remember to eat, which is usually two meals too late.

I really can't wait for this "flare" period to be over with.  I need to stop beating myself up over it too.  Flares happen for a reason.  Its my body telling me I was doing too much and not taking care of myself like I should.  During a flare I need extra help.  Its not that I'm useless but its more like I need others to be more patient with me because all my chores are going to get done at a much slower pace.  Luckily J is starting to understand that even I need down time.

Blogging for me is a good way to keep track of what I've done and how my body is affected by what I've done.  So if it seems as though I'm complaining a whole lot just remember that I'm blogging for me and me alone.  I'll rant about topics that get my dander up.  I'll blog about health issues.  I'll blog about nothing in particular at times but its just me letting go of something that just needs to be said and recorded for my own reasons.

Too Much On My Plate

The photo on the side is what my husband likes to put on his plate, not what I put on mine but it is a plate from my cupboard no less.

Too much on my plate is more in a reference to my busy schedule, busy mind, and worn out body.  I need to find a healthy balance and what I'm doing is just not healthy.  I need to take care of me.

Today I'm trying to do some laundry, five loads to be precise.  I need to feel useful.  J has been helping out almost an hour a night with the housework and I feel guilty like I should be doing it and still making couple time.  While trying to do the laundry I forgot what to add to the water and what order things should be done in.  I put the wet clothes into the dryer, set it and walked away.  I went back into the laundry room when the next load was finished washing and ready to be switched to the dryer.  But to my surprise I found only wet clothes in the dryer because I forgot to turn the dryer on!  Its so frustrating.

The chaplain gave us an assignment the other day:  find time for each other doing an activity together.  Okay that really does sound easy.  However, weekends are spent grocery shopping, running errands, doing house hold chores and that doesn't leave time for us.  By the end of the day I'm just too tired to even cuddle.  So how am I supposed to make time for us when I don't even have the energy left to draw a bath?

Today we went to the PX to make a payment on my birthday gift which is on layaway.  J is getting me a nice easy to ride bicycle.  I need easy right now.  Easy is about my speed.  Outside of the PX was the Softub display.  I've been wanting a hot tub for a while now. I might be able to get a prescription for a softub which would mean I would get small amount of it reimbursed because I have Fibromyalgia and a bunch of other debilitating conditions.  I could easily afford the four person hot tub but I don't know if I could use it.  Why you wonder?  Well we are trying to conceive.  Hot tubs aren't good for sperm count and I don't really want to run the risk of brain damage to a fetus when I do get pregnant.

Now that brings me to another part which is the biggest section of overload on my plate.  I'm so tired most days that I can barely take care of myself.  How am I to care for an infant?  Its not like I'll always have my husband around to help out.  He works and his job takes him to exotic places where he could get killed.  He goes away for training for long periods of time.  He works more than 40 hours a week, sometimes up to 80 and that is just when he is back here. 

Am I being foolish in wanting a child? 

Would it be fair to a child to have me as a parent if I'm so tired I can't play with him or her like most "normal" parents could?

I have so many doubts circling in my head.  I know what I want but can I handle it?

Living With FMS and CMP

Recently my husband was away for training which gave me the opportunity to try my wings.  I did good while he was away.  I lost some weight and still got the house work done.  But it took me a while to get it done even though there was less to do with him away.

Now that he is back home I'm falling back into the old habits.  I'm wearing myself out.  With my husband home there is twice the work to do.  Twice the laundry.  Twice the amount to cook.  I feel guilty if I can't do it all like a "normal" unemployed with no children Army Wife would do.  I have to get over that guilt and realize that it does me no good to force myself to do for everyone around me and put myself last.  If I get sicker who is going to take care of me?  Just me.

So my husband I had a long talk over the weekend. We decided that he would give me at least an hour each night during the work week to take care of his own laundry, his own messes, and food preparation.  I figure that if we can possibly cook up some casseroles and freeze them for the bad flare days we'll be good.

J is going to be leaving again soon and I'll be left to my own devices.  Just now Align Staffing called me.  I had totally forgotten who they were.  Its not a great memory day for me.  As a matter of fact had I not written myself a note over the weekend I would have forgotten to call Tricare this morning to schedule my physical therapy.  So having Align Staffing call me today was a blessing.  I need a new Respite Care Worker.  They are going to send me a list of people available so that my husband and I can interview them with the hope that someone will be living close enough and is able to help out when I need them.

I need time for me.  I need to take care of me.  Having Fibromyaglia means that I am high maintenance.  I need time to myself so that I can exercise, meditate, figure out what I'm able to do and able to eat each day.  I need time with people most days as socializing can help fight off depression.  I need love and understanding from my family and friends so that when I say, "NO" they'll not keep badgering me into a "yes".

Friday we went to Barnes and Noble in town and I browsed through the medical self-help books finally selecting one on Fibromyalgia.  I read aloud some of it to J while in the store.  I laughed, I wanted to cry at times, and it was just nice to have the authors, who also suffer with the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain, understand what I go through each day.  So I purchased the book Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain A Survival Manual, however I ended up paying full price at the book store rather than the deeply discounted price on line.  Oh well, it happens.  Often I don't remember that I can find books for less online but buying it in the store means that I can see it there, read from it there and truly know what I'm purchasing too.

For the next few days I'm going to be extremely busy.  Tomorrow is not only a dentist appointment, but I'm going to have Equity in here doing their routine yearly inspection,  along with the construction workers in the back yard attaching the new wiring and filling in the trench.  They will shutting off all the power to my house for up to four hours.  So I might not get the chance to post a blog tomorrow.  Thursday I have an appointment at occupational therapy for my tendonitis.

I wore myself out over the weekend and now I'm paying for it.  I have fibro fog today.  I have so many aches and pains I'd lose count if I tried to list them.    I really wish I had a better support system in place.  I'm trying to build one as of today.  I need to have one in place before J deploys again.  I need to have one in place soon.

Friends, I need to know that I can depend on you if I need to call you.  Even if its just a late night talk.  I'm going to need your support.

Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

Who ever said that pain is fleeting obviously never had Fibromyalgia.  Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia back in 1997.  I have no clue how long it went undiagnosed before 1997 but the pain was there long before the diagnosis.

I've blogged in the past about my Fibromyalgia pain and I'll keep blogging about the pain and suffering that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Today I'm having troubles with my typing.  Its like my brain and fingers aren't cooperating.  I keep forgetting what I'm going to say and when I go to type it I type the letters out of order making the words unrecognizable.  Thankfully I have spell check.  Many of my fibro friends often complain about their lapses in memory.  Its as though our brains are on auto pilot and we do things out of habit then can't remember that we did them.  For instance, many of you readers can understand the, "did I lock the front door before I went to bed".  But for us it goes deeper.  For us its more of, "where did I leave my (insert noun)?" or the inevitable,   "did I take my meds?".  Its as though we are slapped with early onset dementia.  Its called Fibro fog.  The doctors are now saying that its because we aren't getting a proper oxygen supply to the brain.

Sleep is a big problem for me and many others that suffer with Fibromylagia.  When visiting my parents they would often complain about my nightly walks about the house and use of the bathroom hourly.  Well its not like I'd like to be up walking about the house nor using the bathroom each hour but its become a part of my life.  I too would rather be sleeping soundly for 6-8 hours but its not to be.  Not even if I take a sleeping pill.  Those with Fibromyalgia probably recognize the problem as frequent urination brought on by our constant dry mouth feeling, even if its not really dry, making it so we crave vast amounts of water.  Well the water has to go somewhere and I'm not yet wanting that adult diaper.

Most physically able adults get a regular amount of sleep each night ranging from 6-8 hours per night unless you are in the military and there are nights that you are lucky to get 5 hours of sleep.  But those hours of sleep are more than not continuous.   With continuous sleep a person is able to reach the deeper levels of sleep which help repair the body.  A person with Fibromyalgia does not reach the deep levels of restful sleep and is usually stuck in the light sleep stage and is awakened quite easily.

As for the walkabouts at midnight, well I can't lay there all night in pain keeping my spouse awake.  So I get up and go do something  to deal with the pain and pressure on my back.  That leads me to the tender points.

Before you go and try to hug a person with Fibromyalgia ask them first if they are able to be hugged today.  Be prepared to get a resounding "NO".  Don't be upset, its just that there are days that the tender points are that tender and your hug might feel extremely painful to us.  Today is one of those days for me.  Seems as though everything on my left side of my body just aches.  Sitting here typing is hurtful as the chair back is pressing into one of the tender points and my left shoulder is hurting with the exertion of typing.  Mind you I just had to go back and type in Left because I had typed in Right instead.  Damn Fibro fog.

 Dining out being a person with Fibromyalgia can be tricky.  My husband has learned to deal with my IBS, GERD, Spastic Colon related Fibromyalgia problems.  From day-to-day my diet could change.  What I could eat yesterday might not agree with me tomorrow.   So its a good thing that I am still able to cook for myself.  I don't eat at many fast food restaurants as their menu's are quite limited.  I'm better off going to a regular sit down restaurant and ordering off the menu so that I can opt for substitutions.  Added to the food allergy problems and digestion issues is the fact that I have to be on a really low sodium diet of no more than 1,000 mg per day.  Oh and I'm not allowed to have caffeine either.  Most folks with Fibromyalgia are told to swear off the caffeine and American chocolate plus any food with chemicals in it and not natural ingredients.  American chocolate is mostly chemicals.  European chocolate, much better tasting, has real ingredients in it.  Go check the labels for yourself.

Now for those of you that are really tired of reading my long blog post and have decided to skip to the bottom here since I was whining above, here are some links for more information on Fibromyalgia.

http://www.fmaware.org/

 http://livesfit.net

http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/

Spoon Theory   this theory also applies to those with Fibromyalgia and is a decent summary of how we figure out what we can do each day.

One last bit of complaining.  Fibroymyalgia means that I often don't want to go anywhere, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be your friend.  It just means that I'm in too much pain that day to want to do anything more than try to take care of myself which in itself is like climbing a mountain face with a wheelchair.

Nothing On My Mind, Thank You Fibro Fog

Today is just a boring day.  I went shopping for clothes, ended up buying a new pair jeans.  I tried on a pair of cute shoes but the toe box was too tight.  No handbag in the store was to my liking and I desperately need a new one.

After clothes shopping I went grocery shopping.  I saved $17.00 USD in coupons at the commissary.  Not really all that bad.  Brought my grocery bill down to $78.00 plus a bit in change.

I'm not sure if its the weather or the round ligament and ovarian cyst pain but moving around just hurts.  I know that Fibromyalgia, of which I have, can be worse during cold, damp weather.  Whatever the problem is I'm tired and feel like taking a nap.  However, with Fibromyalgia, I'm not supposed to be napping as I might not sleep well later tonight when I should be sleeping.  Really I'm not quite sure what sleep is any more.  For the past twenty years I haven't had one solid night's sleep.  For those of you that have no clue what Fibromyalgia feels like I'll give you a hint, it feels like you have the flu 24/7 for years on end with only a few days occasionally of half way normal days.

I want to be left alone but yet I want company.  I want to go outside and do whatever most couples do when they have time off together.  I have to pick and chose what I can do each day.  A few of my friends also have this rotten condition and they do understand how it feels.  I'm really sorry that they have it as it does put a damper on life.

So with all said above my brain is once again blanking out.  I've forgotten what I really wanted to post about today.  Sorry it turned into a complaint but that is how it goes with Fibromyalgia.  Now where did I leave my book again?  I bet I'll find it some place weird.  Once I even found it in the fridge!

For more information on Fibromyalgia click on any of the links below:

The Oregon Fibromyalgia Foundation

Fibromyalgia Information

National Fibromyalgia Association