Too much on my plate is more in a reference to my busy schedule, busy mind, and worn out body. I need to find a healthy balance and what I'm doing is just not healthy. I need to take care of me.
Today I'm trying to do some laundry, five loads to be precise. I need to feel useful. J has been helping out almost an hour a night with the housework and I feel guilty like I should be doing it and still making couple time. While trying to do the laundry I forgot what to add to the water and what order things should be done in. I put the wet clothes into the dryer, set it and walked away. I went back into the laundry room when the next load was finished washing and ready to be switched to the dryer. But to my surprise I found only wet clothes in the dryer because I forgot to turn the dryer on! Its so frustrating.
The chaplain gave us an assignment the other day: find time for each other doing an activity together. Okay that really does sound easy. However, weekends are spent grocery shopping, running errands, doing house hold chores and that doesn't leave time for us. By the end of the day I'm just too tired to even cuddle. So how am I supposed to make time for us when I don't even have the energy left to draw a bath?
Today we went to the PX to make a payment on my birthday gift which is on layaway. J is getting me a nice easy to ride bicycle. I need easy right now. Easy is about my speed. Outside of the PX was the Softub display. I've been wanting a hot tub for a while now. I might be able to get a prescription for a softub which would mean I would get small amount of it reimbursed because I have Fibromyalgia and a bunch of other debilitating conditions. I could easily afford the four person hot tub but I don't know if I could use it. Why you wonder? Well we are trying to conceive. Hot tubs aren't good for sperm count and I don't really want to run the risk of brain damage to a fetus when I do get pregnant.
Now that brings me to another part which is the biggest section of overload on my plate. I'm so tired most days that I can barely take care of myself. How am I to care for an infant? Its not like I'll always have my husband around to help out. He works and his job takes him to exotic places where he could get killed. He goes away for training for long periods of time. He works more than 40 hours a week, sometimes up to 80 and that is just when he is back here.
Am I being foolish in wanting a child?
Would it be fair to a child to have me as a parent if I'm so tired I can't play with him or her like most "normal" parents could?
I have so many doubts circling in my head. I know what I want but can I handle it?
I recognize all these common worries. We share them. And if you want advice, ask. That's why I always call you. You help me reason my life out. It makes more sense when I have you for a sounding board.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Becky. Thinking of you.
I don't think you're foolish to want a child but I will be honest.. it is a LOT of work and from what you have shared, you might need someone to help you out on more than occasion. It's difficult for any family to raise kids these days. I love my girls more than life itself but I worry every day for their future. I pray that their generation will make some sense out of all this world has become. Another thing to consider, which I had to when I conceived, is how many, if any, of those troubles you suffer with can be passed down to an infant? I just found out recently that my Lyme disease could have been passed to my girls...thank the Gods I didn't have it then! You'll know in your heart what to do. One thing I know you probably don't wanna hear but I found it to work for me.... don't struggle so hard and let be what will be. When you stop thinking about it, that's when it will happen.
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