Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Finding My Happy Place

Yesterday J and I interviewed a person for my respite care.  Looks like we found someone that might just work out.  She's older, a former medic in the military and quite familiar with fibromyalgia as a relative she used to care for has the medical condition.

Now its just up to me to allow a complete stranger into my life.  Its all about trust.  Its hard for me to trust someone with the intimate details of my life.  Do I really want someone to cook, clean, and do my gardening?  Not really, but I don't have much of a choice since I need the help and J is going to deploy.

We agreed today over the phone to have it come down to once a week care.  I can't handle having a stranger in my house on a daily basis.  I guess I got spoiled by my first respite care worker B.  I miss B.  She was a real gem and didn't make me feel useless.  We worked on projects together.  We even planned on having tea together after she left the respite care network but our scheduled never matched up.  I'm happy to say that B has moved on and is now a lawyer and an Army Reservist.

Much of my problem is feeling like I'm useless if I let someone else take care of chores that I would rather do myself.  Its not so much pride as position.  I am the wife of the house.  I have a position here that demands that I take care of matters while my husband is away.  Unfortunately I don't always have all the energy to get the tasks accomplished like a "normal" wife would in a short period of time.  Twenty years ago I was able to work, clean house, cook, and still find time for myself all in one day.  Not now.

So now that I'm letting a complete stranger into my life I'll have more time to find my happy place again.  Its going to take time to get over the self-imposed guilt trip and relax but I can only try.

In other news, at 0715 hrs I was at the optometrist office getting my eye test done so that I can send in my renewal form to the NY DMV.  My eyes, though I had a headache, were within normal limits of 20/25 each eye and 20/20 together.  I'm good to go for another 8 years.  I might not drive all that often but having a license means I have the freedom to go where the road to happiness takes me.

Now to go research our block leave trip plans.  I think we've decided to ditch the cruise to Alaska in favor of day trips that I can better handle.  I'm learning to live with my limitations and its about time I did so.  I'll be less cranky when I learn to control my life and have a few less flares.

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