Negative And A Negative Equals A Positive

Photo by me of my poppies in bloom.

My husband is a pessimist.  I'm an optimist.

My husband has a higher than normal IQ.  So do I.

Somehow my husband thinks that if we have a child our high IQ's will create a child dumber than a box of rocks.  I think otherwise.  I think that with our patience and education our child will have an advantage.  That is if we get the chance to have a child.

The bleeding has stopped.  The pain has not stopped.  Last night I was so nauseated I thought I would lose my dinner.  The fertility drugs always cause havoc with my digestion.  I'm still hoping that I will indeed end up pregnant this cycle.  But I plan ahead for that negative.  Maybe J's pessimism is starting to wear down my positive out look.

Its now CD 16, 6dpO, and 8 days till testing.  We want to get out of town and do some sight seeing.  I have to realize that this cycle could be a failure and I must plan the vacation we want to take around the fertility treatments.  With J's training schedule finally being known it means that I have just one more cycle to try until he leaves.  I have to take advantage of any time we have together.  Sure I could have his sperm frozen but if I can avoid that added expense then I will.

So with our calendar planned out around a possible next cycle we made the reservations for our first part of our vacation journey.  I have a house sitter on call and she is fine with taking care of everything here for us.  I'll have no worries about dead plants when we get back or leaving my house unattended.  All with be fine as if we never left, I hope.

We have booked a two night stay in a lodge at Leavenworth.  Neither of us have been there, though we've been planning on going since last October.  Training issues caused us to cancel that trip last year.  So we rain-checked it for the coming weekend.  If you want to check out what there is to do in the area along with us click on the following link; www.leavenworth.org

Yes I'm taking a risk with all the pain I'm in.  I realize that an ovarian cyst rupture is quite possible.  But I need this vacation.  We need this vacation.

I'm already planning our next getaway.  J would like to head to southern Washington.  I chose Eastern this time so after his choice I'm choosing the beach, Westport, which is on the western side because a friend told me that agates are easily enough found while walking on the beach.  Of course that will just leave a return trip to northern Washington of which we did last year.  There is still a lot to see up north, a lot that we missed last year.  We never got to walk the Dungeness Spit because of weather and the fact that its 5.5 miles long one way.  No cars are allowed on that road either.

In-between the overnight trips we plan on taking several day trips depending on how I feel.  I'd love to do the Seattle Underground but its walking on uneven ground for miles.  We'll see how I feel when we get the chance for that trip.  We might sneak in a train ride in Chelais while heading out to one of the gun shops J wanted to visit.  But I'm more inclined to seek out the antique shops while he looks for guns.  If we have time for it we'd like to check out Moses Lake, Lakewold Gardens, and the Museum of Flight.  J's been to the Museum of Flight with his family but that was about 16 years ago.

Things that I never got to do as a kid but always wanted to do are on my list like mini putt and go-karts.  Much as I love camping, I'm no longer in shape to do so and J just detests camping in all forms.  He'd rather stay at a B&B and with comfort in mind I think I do too now.

Getting To My Happy

Finally I'm ready for the weekend.  I'm ready to get my own Happy on.

Its not going to be easy to find my happy today in the midst of chaos.  J flooded the bathroom when he didn't put the shower curtain liner inside of the tub.  Fun time cleaning that one up with several soaked towels and two soaked bath rugs.  Add on two loads of laundry to my domestic responsibilities today.

Part of I-5 is closed and will cause a three hour delay in getting anywhere north of JBLM for the weekend.  They are working on the bridge that takes us into the town area we like to shop in.  I wanted to head out to the craft stores this weekend and find a hook I needed for a project.

I'm still having pain and bleeding.  I'm now 4 days past ovulation with 10 days until I can test.  At this rate I'll not know if I get implantation bleeding or not. 

I'm really going to search long and hard to find my happy this weekend.  The day isn't even half over so I still have another 36 hours to this weekend and I plan on making the best of it.

My hanging tomato plant broke.  I still have five more tomato plants in the ground.  Usually I just do the tomato plant in the hanging basket.  With not enough warm weather this Junuary (Junuary = January weather + June) my veggie and fruit crops aren't producing well and some not at all.  So I've decided to buy some more potting soil and start over in that particular hanging basket with some flowers.  Better than nothing, right?

Looks like the weather is going to hold and I'll be able to go to a green house and flower cage to select my plants after all.  It wasn't looking so good before with the dark grey clouds.  Just yesterday I was wishing for a nice thunder and lightening storm.  We got the thunder and rain but no lightening.  Still it did remind me a bit of summer in NY but not to the scary awesomeness I'd of wanted.

So that's all I have for today.  I'm off to go find my happy today.  I won't stray far due to the pain but I'm still going to go have some fun or die trying.

And So It Continues

Photo by me two years ago.  Tree frog on my sunflower.

I haven't slept yet and its now 0643 hrs.  I tried to sleep but the pain kept me awake.  I even took a hot bath before trying to retire for the night.  No luck.

Tylenol isn't cutting the pain.  Oh and the bleeding picked up. 

My vacation plans are now out the window.  I had already decided to fore-go the cruise to Alaska because of the fertility treatments.  Now it looks as though I won't be able to go far at all.  I'll have to stay close to home and near the hospital if the pain and bleeding continue.

I'd love to just get the heck out of Dodge for a few days.  I need to escape the house.  But even a bump in the road right now causes extra pain.  J won't mind spending three weeks at home but I will.  I really looked forward to our vacation.

In the beginning we had planned on taking a trip out to Yellowstone.  Then it became a cruise to Alaska.  Now I'll be lucky if I can take a day trip to the beach.

I'm not looking for pity.  I'm looking for understanding.  I just don't understand why I have to suffer when trying to get pregnant.  I don't understand why this whole process has to be so difficult.

I'm angry.   I'm cranky.   I'm in pain.

Looking out my window behind my computer monitor is often relaxing when I'm this upset.  Sometimes it can be rather amusing.  Other times it can be quite shocking.  Right now I see cat and bird.

Silly hummingbird is trying out all four plastic flowers on the feeder.  Is it thinking one is more tasty than the other?

The neighbor's cat is grooming itself in the front window.  Does that make it an exhibitionist or me a voyeur?

3 days past ovulation and 11 more until testing.

I want my Summertime.  I want the heat of the long summer days and bonfires on the beach.  I want to put my bare feet up on the dash of the truck while J is taking us for a drive.  I want to hear the crickets and frogs at night as I fall to sleep.  I want the thunder and lightening storms of summer.  I miss seeing lightening bugs, we don't have them here on the west coast.  I miss surfing in the back of J's pick up truck.

Guess What I've Got?

Pain and bleeding.  I called my RE this morning and found out what the cause is right off when they returned my phone call a few minutes later.  The cause of my pain and bleeding is none other than OVARIAN CYSTS!  Yet again I have to suffer through another round of dealing with this crap.

It hurts to get horizontal, it hurts to have sex, it hurts to sneeze.  I'm now 2 days past ovulation and I was told that I know what to do.  Well what that means is that:
1) no more sex
2) no more jiggling
3) no more trampolines
4) take Tylenol and hope the pain goes away---yeah right
5) no heavy lifting

I'm about ready to scream and not just from the pain.  Seriously I only used the clomiphene citrate 1/2 a tablet daily for 5 days like instructed.  The RE's office nurse explained to me that even though the ovidrel made the eggs release from the follicles they decided to fill back up with fluid becoming corpus luteal cysts of large proportion, yet again.  She said that I seem to be prone to them.  Because for the next few days the fertilized eggs will be trying to implant they aren't going to do any poking around inside of me to check the size of the cysts unless the pain becomes too unbearable.  If it does I'm to go to the ER.

Last time I had a 9 cm cyst rupture and ended up going to the ER.

I just have one question....Why can't getting pregnant be easy for every female that really wants to get pregnant and hard for those that don't want to have children?

I'm cranky folks.  The pain is getting to me too.  I'm just glad I have on hand some percocet from last time.  I might need it again before this is done.

Occupational Therapy Update and Blog Award

First I'll get to the award.  My cousin  gave me the award yesterday along with also giving it to a few other people.  I first met my cousin not at a family occasion or gathering, but in high school.  For more years than I care to remember we've been apart as is most of my family until Facebook brought us together.  Now I'm learning all about Nik's life through her two blogs, suddenly single journey and what dreamers do.

I'm supposed to divulge some little secret about myself here because of this award however, I rarely keep much of my life a secret.  Those that follow my blog know I'm handicapped, infertile, an Army Wife, love to cook, sew and do other crafts when I'm not reading.  So what is left to tell?  And what do I feel comfortable revealing right now that I have been hiding?

I guess I could tell all you that I enjoy yelling at the television when a stupid reality show is on.  Why do I yell at something that is pre-recorded?  Well why do most men like to yell at the television when their favorite team is playing?  I guess because it just feels good.  There you have my confession.

I would like to pass along this award to four women that have made changes in my life via the internet.  First I'm giving this award to Stefanie who's real life and online friendship has meant the most to me.  Stef I love you gal.  Secondly I'd give this award to a gal that refuses to allow her fibromyalgia to get in the way of life, Sonja you are my hero.  Third I'd like to give this award to a gal that will tell you like it is, Sushi girl I only know by that name but you make life real.  And Last this award goes out to a gal that is having a really rough time with her pregnancy.  Another Dreamer you give me hope because you refuse to give up.

Now for my Occupational Therapy appointment this morning.  I was told I  have hypermobile joints.  No change was seen in the strength of my hands.  I have one new hand exercise to add to my routine because I have a pocket injury on my right hand.  Its just a muscle that got overused due to me using my cane this weekend.  The doctor told me its not likely to get much better as long as I need to use the cane and he said he doesn't want to go without my cane especially when my knee buckles.  So its not likely the pain in my right shoulder will ever go away for long periods of time.  Meh, such is life.  I go on. 


Time to go bake the cookies for the guys at the COF. 

Blank Slate

Its a new day full of changes and opportunities and I can't seem to get my mind into any one particular thing.  Nope, nothing.  Its like my mind is a blank slate today.

Maybe I have no drive or possibly "low T"  if I were a guy.  I'm a gal so that's not my problem.  For me its more of sticker shock.  I've bought more than I planned for my schedule and I'm about to pay more than I wanted.

0430 hrs I was up and moving.  I had a discussion with my spouse this morning about the day's events.  He had to be up early as is his normal for the Army.  We spent almost an hour this morning figuring out what needed to be done, what has to be changed and where we are headed.

He had a briefing this morning.  Oh I knew about it because my FRG is that good about sending out information.  I knew but he didn't.  Or should I say I told him about it but he forgot?  I got another reminder about the briefing this morning in my email.  An email that was sent out at 2330 hrs yesterday.  Not like I'm going to be checking my email at that time of night.  So I didn't go today.  I had other plans.  The briefing was on the list but J was distracted.

Today my respite care worker will be here to help out.  Which means of course that I need to move all of J's stuff that he has let fall where it will.  Seriously he knew that today was the day as its in highlighted pink on the large print calendar in the kitchen.   Did I mention that he has been distracted?

If I am to have someone help clean up the house I can't expect the person to be moving his stuff when they are supposed to be only taking care of me and my needs.  So I picked up about the house to make vacuuming that much easier.  I cleared off counter tops so that they could be cleaned with chemicals.  I have asthma so I don't use chemicals myself as I like being able to breathe.  I really wish the whole world could be scrubbed clean with just lemons, baking soda and vinegar but I have to be realistic, most folks would rather use chemicals.

I signed on to my facebook this morning only to find out that a friend's mom has died.  I never got to meet her mom but I feel bad for her all the same.  She had a long struggle with cancer.  May she rest in peace and may her family find the courage to heal the hole left behind by her missing presence.

On a different note, has anyone stopped to think about the Bible?  I'm not that religious but I did have time to think over the weekend on one of the long drives to note that Genesis is talking about terra forming.   A god created the Earth, but was it a god or an alien?
Were we just species samples taken from another planet in another universe?
Or was there no one before us?
Wouldn't we be considered vain to think that we were the first race?
Wouldn't it be more prudent to think that we were cultivated much like a crop and transplanted when we were just seedlings to another garden (planet)?

My mind likes to wander on long drives and I think of odd things.  I'm like a kitten in a hamster ball.

Courage Is The Motto

Many of my friends have asked me about the ball I went to on Thursday.  Well now that the weekend is finally over I guess I'll get to the weekend round up.

It takes no small amount of courage for me to don a dress, heels (yes I decided to wear high heels), war paint and go out into the public eye.  I'm very afraid of most people and how they judge me.  Or should I say how the women judge one another.  We do judge each other and often find each other lacking in many ways.

So I went to the ball.  I did have a good time.  I didn't get to dance.  I broke a heel.  It was a rather interesting walk back to the car might I add but at least my shoe survived until 2200hrs.  That was when the dancing was to start.  After the speeches of two generals, one being a four star my back had enough.  I didn't mind standing for the 8 toasts, the flag ceremony or any other time we were required to stand.  But the sitting was getting to be rather intolerable.  I would have gotten up to walk around but protocol dictates that one must remain seated, unless its an emergency, through the speeches unless directed to stand.

J made the jewels I wore to the ball.  I have to say I'm really partial to his craftsmanship.   Already my mother has asked where her's are as in she wants a set.  I got to pick out the gems and the design he was going to use.  J knows many different weave designs and has used most of them in various projects.  I'm very proud of his chain maille.

The meal was so-so.  I've had much better food and for $40 a ticket I must say it wasn't quality.  I had the chicken plate.  The chicken was greasy, the potatoes were tasteless but the small amount, about 1/4 cup of green beans with carrots were excellent.    The wines offered were far from a decent quality.  I'm not a snob but I do know my wines. 

Would I go again to another ball?  Sure.  I met a few people and made a few friends.

Friday was spent up in Renton for the most part.  My husband found a yard sale that he wanted to go to because they were selling gaming books.  Unfortunately when we arrived some one had already cleaned them out.  Isn't that the way it normally is?  So we ended the day going to a local gun shop in the Tacoma area.  J was happy.

Saturday we went to a gun show in Centralia.  I made the only two purchases there.  I bought J a concealed holster for his birthday.  For myself I bought an old compass.  I saw it and was able to talk the guy down to half the asking price so its mine now. 

I just had to have this compass for some reason.  Maybe it will lead me in the direction of my heart's desire.  Maybe it will give me the courage that I need to go where I have to.  Who knows?

Sunday was unremarkable and I'm glad it was.  I needed a day to catch up on my laundry.


Today I had my ultrasound.  1/2 tablet of clomiphene citrate seems to be doing the job.  I have two follicles, 28 mm and 30 mm, on the left ovary.  I was given a shot of ovidrel and told that I didn't need the IUI because J's sperm count is so high.  Why waste the money?  Okay so I'm good to go.  Now with any luck I'll actually get pregnant this cycle.  Fingers crossed that we have a quality egg in the pair.

Now is the time that I need to find my direction, my path and step onto it with courage, patience, and faith.  Wish me luck.