Blowing Off Steam

Photo of J by me.  He is wearing his best sweatshirt....Tuxedo.  Haha!  Seriously its his hometown that is named Tuxedo and it is where the Tuxedo was invented.

J and I have completely different ways to unwind.  I like to read a good novel and take a hot bath he likes to go to the range and blow stuff up or away.  Occasionally I too like the sport but not when I'm sick.

Today we did what he wanted to do.  He offered to let me shoot and even brought my gun with him.  I just wasn't in the mood to shoot.  I did pick up brass for him and re-sticker the targets.  J likes to reload his own ammunition because he says its a lot cheaper.  Okay good hobby for him but I really don't like the idea of gun powder in the house all that much.  I'm accident prone and forgetful.  All I need to do is accidentally knock down the powder container, split it open and think okay I'll vacuum it up.  Not a good idea to vacuum up black powder folks.

I told J to smile, maybe I should have told him not to blink either?
Bad photo but still its a good smile.

Even though J loaded up the car with about half of his guns, he decided that the hand guns were good enough for shooting today.  Um, I already told him that given the fact its breezy and cold as hell outside neither of us would want to be out in it for more than 3 hours so yeah handguns only.  Never listens to me.  I guess its the only way he learns, by making mistakes and realizing that well if only he had listened to me.  I give up.

Oh and yes I know I sound cranky.  Probably the clomid.  Could also be the puking, damn stomach.  Or maybe its my cold as death fingers hurting so that typing isn't very tolerable, damn arthritis.

I'll find out in about 2.5 weeks, give or take a few days, the results of the biopsies of my stomach.  I have to say the waiting is probably going to be worse than the results.  I either have an ulcer started from H.plyori or cancer.  Those are the only two reasons they said they do the biopsy.  Both are treatable, one is curable and the other well I'm just not going there.  What this all means to me is just that I might have to cut even shorter my trying to conceive.  I can still hope that its nothing and that my stomach will go back to normal once it sheds its lining again. 

Life goes on.

AH-chooooooo

They started mowing in our neighborhood today.  J heard the landscapers out there and he hates how they ruin his grass.  J is now out there mowing our grass with our old-fashioned non-motor push mower. 

I'm sneezing.  Cut grass, tree pollen, and the dandelions are making it difficult to breathe.

It might reach the high 50's here today.  Still not warm enough for me to put my seedlings outside in the garden.  The overnight low temperature last night was 32....that would freeze my plants.

On the  food front I'm starting to buy the foods that I'm allowed to eat.  I'm currently following three diets combined.  DASH diet for my hypertension, IBS diet for my IBS, and the newest one for the stomach issues which takes away even more food from what I was allowed.  Now I can't even have peppermint tea!  No chocolate or carob.  Just put me in the grave now why don't you?  No beans, lentils or nuts.  Wait I love eating my nuts.  Now its like I'm down to just chicken as a source of protein.  They took red meats, wild game, pork, eggs and dark meat away from me along with all dairy now when I used to be allowed to eat cheese.  Do you realize how quickly I can get sick of chicken and turkey?

So I'll figure out what I'm allowed to eat for soluble fiber foods and then whittle it down more from the other "you can't eat that" lists I was given.  Looks like rice cakes are going to be my main staple food.

Yes I'm complaining its my blog and I'm going to whine and sneeze today.  Since I can't have real wine, like ever again!

As for the antiphospholipid antibody test that was done on Wednesday, even though the lab tech said it would take about 8 hours to get the results, the test results won't be in until some time late next week.  Why?  Well they have to send the blood out to have the test done.  I guess my big regional medical treatment facility here called Madigan isn't so big after all that they still need to send out for tests.  So as a little preventative since I'll be ovulating this week I'm now taking one baby asprin a day...just in case.
Label me cranky today.

Yesterday's Fun Times

I have pictures to share with all of you.  Yummy you get to see the insides of my upper digestive tract, aren't I special for sharing them with you?

<--- Photo of the GERD damage its only Stage A so its not that bad.

Okay well you all know that I had my testing yesterday.  I went in at the appointed time and got back out about 2 hours later, even though the test only took 5 minutes to complete.  Why so long?  Well I sat in the prep and recovery room for the other 115 minutes.  No seriously they were moving slowly yesterday.  As soon as my test was done I was asking to get up and get going.  The nursing staff said to give  them a few more minutes to make sure all my vitals were fine.  Okay but I want out of here. 

<----They did biopsy two sites in my stomach because it looked suspicious.  Fun times ahead waiting for those results.


They called in my spouse to the report card room. Yes I felt like a kid being called in front of the teacher with my parent present.  But all went fairly well.  They sent off specimens for analysis.  Just a couple of biopsies.  No big deal, unless of course its a big deal but I'll find out in 2 or 3 weeks.



I'm back on prilosec for an indefinite period of time as the release paperwork stated :  -Use prilosec at 20mg by mouth once a day indefinitely.  Yay me!  I finally get myself weened off that drug two years ago and now I'm back on it again.  Hmm...wasn't 15 years of it enough?

I go upstairs to the pharmacy and pick up my script.  I chat with the pharmacist.  She suggested to me that I get an antiphospholipid antibody test done.  Okay sure.  I walk down stairs to the RE's office and ask to get one done.  They agreed.  Hmm...wonders why they never decided to do this test before?

Today I'll have the test results for the antiphospholipid test.   I never even thought about having that test done.  We'll see if the hunch the pharmacist had pays off.

Yesterday I started back on the clomid and melatonin.  We'll see what this cycle brings for me. 

Right now J is at the doctor's getting his back re-evaluated.  I hope its starting to heal.

Esophagogastroduodenoscopy Today

I'm scared. There are two possible outcomes: either they find something wrong or they don't and all of this is just in my head because of the stress or deployment then not deploying then deploying and all the infertility struggles.

I'm sitting here thirsty like a person baking in the sun without a drink of water and surrounded by ocean waters.

I guess all I can do is just try to relax now and wait.  I go in at 0915 hrs.  I hope its just an ulcer and nothing that needs to be followed up with further cutting.  Okay so really I'm just frightened of a staph infection.  Its understandable.  They are going to stick equipment down my digestive tract and possibly biopsy.  At least when we did IVF I was given antibiotics to prevent an infection since they were going to be routing about my ovaries and uterus with a honking huge needle.  Now I face being cut up from the inside, if need be; seriously that freaks me out.

J slept in the living room last night.  I knew I'd be tossing and turning a lot last night.  I was up every hour!  He had to get his sleep as we both had to be up at 0400 hrs.

I just want to know why sometimes it feels like something is getting stuck under my ribs when I bend over or stretch.  Its in the stomach area.  Two years ago my PA told me I was exercising too much and bruised a rib.  Well I stopped exercising and the pain never went away.  I had to ignore it to push through with the infertility treatments.  Now that infertility treatments failed and I failed infertility I'm back to trying to find out what the heck is causing that pain.  Sometimes I can just be sitting there and it feels like something shifted in my upper left quadrant where the stomach sits and the pain just feels really uncomfortable like again something is caught under my floating rib pair.

Maybe its just because I'm fat?  I still have about 40 pounds to lose.  Maybe it the adipose tissue getting caught under my ribs?  Oh heck I don't know.  Hopefully I get some answers today.

J is being given the day off to stay at home with me so that I don't do anything stupid after sedation.  Also in case for some reason things go wrong.

Utterances From A Fatigued Mind

I'm tired.  J had CQ duty last night which means neither of us slept.  I stayed up late not wanting to go to bed and sleep alone.  Yes, I realize that I do sleep alone when he is deployed but the one night alone drives me to stay up.

My mind is mush.  If I comment on your blogs today and my spelling is awry or what I say doesn't make much sense its because I've had maybe three hours sleep.

Oh sure its easy for everyone to tell me to go take a nap, they don't live where I do.  Day break means this place comes alive.  There is no real sleep when PT begins each morning or should I say when revelry is sounded.   

I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up this morning; 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up at all, 

The corporal's worse than the privates,  
The sergeant's worse than the corporals,  
Lieutenant's worse than the sergeants,  
And the warrant's worst of all!

I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up this morning;
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up at all! 

And tho' the sun starts peeping, 
And dawn has started creeping,  
Those lazy bums keep sleeping, 
They never hear my call!

You've got to get up
You've got to get up
You've got to get up this morning
You've got to get up
You've got to get up
Get up with the bugler's call

The major told the captain 
The captain told the sergeant  
The sergeant told the bugler 
The bugler told them all.

So yes this is what is going through my head today.  I had my beta today and will get the results later this afternoon.  I'm thinking bfn as any pregnancy test I've taken of late has been negative and I have no symptoms.  Still no AF and its CD30 which makes me about 5 days late.  Most likely I'm just nervous about the endoscopy tomorrow morning.

 

 

Volunteer

Since I'm getting my mind off of this whole trying to conceive I figured I'd slowly throw myself back into volunteering.  Because I do volunteer I've been invited to the annual volunteer luncheon.  Usually I get a certificate of appreciation.  Last year I didn't even realize that we were having a luncheon I was so into this whole TTC lifestyle.  Its time to pay more attention to the world once again.

Hopefully I'll be dropping off the blanket I made to our FRG coordinator soon.  Its not that its annoying to have it bagged and sitting on my hall table but I'd just like to see it given to someone deserving in the near future.  Our coordinator is quite busy and when she gets a moment to breath she does look for those she thinks deserve little gifts.

Wow, I sound like such a snob.  Sorry if that's how I might come off in this post as its not intended to sound like I have my nose in the air.

Volunteering gives me a sense of achievement like I'm giving back to the community that has given so much to me.  It has given me the chance to make new friends and we all could use more friends.

Volunteering might just help me heal some of the hurts that I've experienced with my losses while on the trying to conceive journey.  Maybe I'm expecting too much out of this self-less service but hey if it makes me feel good, even a little bit, then how can it be bad?

CD28

Ah the clomid is working over time to mess up my cycle length I can see.  I normally have a 24-26 day cycle.  I'm not pregnant any more or possibly never was since the two lines I got twice last week could have been a figment of my imagination.  The final hpt was negative.  The spotting has started.  On to the next cycle.

J and I have sat down and discussed more options.  He finally spoke up.  He is worried about my health.  He doesn't like what all these drugs are doing to my body.  I don't either.  We are talking about only trying for a few more cycles until he deploys and calling it quits.  No donor egg cycle.  No adoption.  Just living our lives without children. 

There is no shame in calling uncle when you've done two IVF, numerous rounds of clomid ( I started those when he was in AIT in 07) some with IUI in 2011, and trying natural too.  We've done it all for what we could afford.  Its now getting to the point that if I don't get pregnant soon I can't see myself chasing after a baby if it even ran into the street.  Oh I would surely try but don't forget I often use a cane to walk with; today I used my cane.

So this is where we are going.  We will slowly fade away from the fertility treatments and slip comfortably into middle age knowing that we did our best.  There is no shame.

I've been looking more into pet adoption and will continue to hold off for a while yet.  IF per chance I do have a miraculous pregnancy I want to have a pet free environment.  I was and still am allergic to dogs.  J has a mild cat allergy, his mom has a bad allergic reaction to cats.  I don't want to risk our off spring being subjected to asthma attacks related to allergies.  I have them and it not fun.

For now I'm going to concentrate on fixing my health.  I have an endoscopy this week at the gastroenterologist office. When I eat my stomach gives me sharp pain.  When I don't eat my stomach gives me sharp pain.  I'm guessing here, maybe an ulcer since I've had them before.  Thank you stressful life.