Niggling Doubts

The ghastly nicotine colored walls cast an ugly yellow glow on my naked skin. Who would choose such a shade of off white to paint the walls in a military house?  Not very flattering I think but then again neither is the time.  I've been up since 0323 hrs when I realized that my legs weren't working and my head was spinning.  The pressure building up behind my knee caps made me feel like a soda bottle about to pop its cap.  I knew I had to stretch but how.  I knew that in just an hour I'd have to get up and give myself another injection. 

Slowly I moved my feet in circles.  Ah, good I can feel my feet.  Now just try to bend the knees. The pressure is like someone trying to rip off my knee caps.  This isn't good.  Just try to bend the knees again.  Finally my knees give a bit.  They feel wobbly.  Keeping moving them.  I sit up and dangle my legs over the bed.  Why is this happening all the more often?  Is it the herniated discs in my lumbar region?  Is it the fibromyalgia?  Could it be the hormones I'm taking?

Slowly I stand.  Let's see if I can walk I tell myself.  Thankfully the bedroom furniture is sturdy enough to support my weight as I lean on each piece to make my way to the bathroom and back to the bed.  One more hour until I have to get up and change the Alora patches and give myself the Lupron injection.

As I drift off to sleep I think to myself, what if this doesn't work?  What if all the years of torturous infertility treatments that lead up this donor egg cycle were for nothing?

Doubt is worming its way into my brain.

Time to squash that doubt.  Time to change fear to hope.

0445 hrs.  I've replaced the three Alora patches with four Alora patches.  I'm running out of room on my left flank to put patches.  Where the hell am I going to put them when I'm having to give myself the PIO shots?  My pelvis may be wide but it isn't flat!

I look to J and tell him to remind our children,  that when they are complaining because they didn't get what they wanted from me and state that "mommy hates me", that mommy does indeed love you because she went through hell and back just to create you.