I swear it was a losing battle this past weekend at the retreat. Each meal that J and had to attend we were at different assigned tables. I guess it was to keep the conversation lively. There were of course a list of questions that we had to ask everyone at the table. Two sheets of questions per table. But you know how people stray from the questions they should be asking and get rather nosey.
At every meal J and I were asked, "do you have any children?".
My answer was one of the following:
1) none living
2) several miscarriages
3) I'm in fertile
4) I have endometriosis
5) we are still trying
The responses I would get from others at the tables ranged from sympathy to stupidity. One gal named Julie has PCOS so she did understand the struggle to conceive.
One couple, Sandra and Jeffrey, at my table married at 19/20 and have five children. Their response was that I just need to pray to God and he'll give me a child. Mind you I remember something in the Bible about "God helps those that help themselves" (Acts 17:11) and I'm doing all I can with prayer and doctors to help God in giving me a child.
At the end of my dialogue with them explaining that it isn't that easy I got hit with the "why don't you just adopt". I so wanted to say to them why didn't you? But instead I told them that we have given thought to that and if what we are going through right now doesn't work that the next place we move to we'll start the process. Most likely foster to adopt and I explained how parents don't mind putting their children into the foster care system but they don't like making them available for adoption which leaves not many children out there to be adopted.
I also explained to this ignorant couple that adoption isn't free or cheap. Adoption takes a long time too. My parents were the exception when they adopted my brother 44 years ago from Catholic Charities. Things were truly easier back in the 1960's when it came to adoption.
I think that the worst part of it was when the husband of Sandra, Jeffrey, the couple that wed when they were 19/20, said to me that I just need to relax. I swallowed my bile and vented when my husband and I got back to our room. I had to leave our meal early. I couldn't stand to be around such ignorant people for any longer or else I would have made a scene.
So my infertile friends, I tried to educate the public. God commanded that we go forth and multiply (Genesis 9:7) and He didn't state how we went about it did he? I did what I could given the fact that I was at a religious retreat, this one sponsored by the Roman Catholic church. The very church that doesn't believe in abortion, birth control or infertility treatments. Is it any wonder I couldn't get my message across?
I think that if a person is fertile they should and could be a bit more sensitive when they ask a question about children. They could be a bit more open-minded and realize that not everyone can just fall on a penis and get pregnant.
I have found that it is hard for people to understand something they have never dealt with first hand or been around. Of course I have to commend you for your tactfulness dealing with those people. I know for a fact I couldn't have done it.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't easy dealing with the inquisition and stupidity. I tried to explain to them that as the body ages it gets harder for a woman to conceive too.
DeleteUgh. Sounds like a horrible couple. I'm sure we can all relate though. Sometimes you try and try to educate and broaden minds, but people have these preconceived notions they refuse to let go of.
ReplyDeleteIdiots.
It sounds like you handled it really well though, and I applaud you for that!
One of the presenting couples at the table decided we had gotten too far off track and changed the subject to gardening, though that wasn't on the list of questions we were to ask one another either.
DeleteUgh, how ignorant. They simply don't understand, and probably isn't interested in hearing it either. You did a great job of trying to explain, it is really hard to keep it together when faced with those statements.
ReplyDeleteI think I totally lost the couple when I went into how the mitochondria in the egg gets corrupt when it reaches my age. I also mentioned aneuploidy and tried to explain but go a total blank stare from them.
DeleteI honestly would have lost my mind on that lady. To say that you should pray more is absolutely ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteWell I think that Jeffrey and Sandra were trying to suck up last weekend. Not to us mind you, but to the main presenting couple and they would have done anything to make someone else look bad. I think we've all met that type of couple back in high school.
DeleteOh my god, I would NOT have been able to contain myself at the "just relax" comment, and same with the "why don't you just adopt" too... I'm always pretty calm and collected until those magic (ie. ignorant) words, and then I just lose it. It's kind of amazing how little people understand about reproductive systems.
ReplyDeleteThere are times I wish I had magical powers like Samantha on Bewtiched. I'd freeze them, finish my dinner in peace, and unfreeze them as I left the room.
DeleteI agree with Just T. It's amazing, even, how many people read my blog, or know my story and STILL don't have a clue. My co-worker thinks I "need to relax" and she is the kindest person. I have unexplained IF, so I wish I could say, "Well I have endometriosis" or "I don't have eggs." Maybe then they would understand more. Or maybe not. Kudos for remaining calm. Ugh. I can't stand people sometimes.
ReplyDeleteFor quite some time after I was "cured" of PCOS, no clue how that happened mind you, I was listed as unexplained infertility. It is a really annoying non-diagnosis diagnosis.
DeleteI'm sorry you had to deal with that. I hate those questions and my road has been nothing compared to yours. I don't handle them well at all. I commend you for being able to keep it together and not go off on them.
ReplyDeleteI think if the public were more aware of infertility issues then perhaps they'd be a little more sensitive with their responses to "those conversations".
DeleteThose who know and support you are the ones you should listen to. I know it's difficult to deal tactfully with ignorant people. At times, I'm sure you would like to tell 'fertile Myrtle' that maybe she needs to stick a plug in it and stop over-populating the planet.Everyone will find a way to judge someone.I was called greedy and a bad mother because I have only one child. I was told that I should have more because when I'm old, the burden of my care will be all on her. It's nobody's business. I continue to offer you and J my support and prayers.
ReplyDeleteTracy it is so nice to know that you've been there for me. I've lost track of how many years we've been friends...somewhere nearing 30 is my guess. Wishing I could take you with me to those type of dinners where I'm put under the microscope. I can't wait to just say one day to those people...yes I have X number of children and let it be.
DeleteWow. I've heard all the same judgments and comments but yet it still shocks me that people can be that way.
ReplyDeleteI think there will always people that think and respond to us that way. However, the more we inform the public the smaller the group will be that reacts to us negatively.
DeleteYou are a better woman than I. When given advice from fertiles I totally let the snark & sarcasm fly.
ReplyDeleteInside I was screaming at them.
DeleteI'm so sorry that a weekend dedicated to renewal of love and hope was marred by ignorance. Ugh. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteWe all have to deal with ignorant people some time in our lives.
DeleteI laughed out loud when I read "Not everyone can fall on a penis and get pregnant." Aint that the truth?! I spent years having artfully crafted embryos carefully placed in my uterus, and still nothing. Now I can't get the image out of my head. Thanks for that ;)
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you relax...after your embryo transfer. Hopefully, that does the trick.
You showed amazing tact and restraint. I probably would have said something quite uncouth and been chucked out of the retreat permanently. Just goes to show a true Christian can forgive all kinds of hurtful ignorance :)
If we have an afternoon transfer we are planning on staying the night in city in a hotel to relax. Of course it all depends on the time and if we can get a hotel.
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