Echoes

It is said that history repeats itself so that we learn from our past mistakes.

I've just taken my last dosage of Provera.  Hopefully I'll never need it again for this purpose.  I get nightmares.

Yesterday morning I awoke with convulsing sobs racking my body.  In my dream I was told to say good bye to my husband.  They had done everything they could but they didn't intubate him in time to save him.  He was brain dead.

This morning a phone ringer awoke me from another bad dream.  This time I was in the hospital and they said that my husband had a GSW (gun shot wound) and was in surgery.  Again they couldn't save him.

I don't recall ever having nightmares where my spouse couldn't be saved.  I don't recall ever having the nightmares two nights in a row.

The phone call was another echo from the past.  Just before J was to deploy this past spring the same number called.  I know who it was.  I know why they called.  I'm scared.

I called J immediately to tell him of who called.  I asked him to check his official email some time today just in case its what I think it might be.  I realize its rather late in the game but J's profile, from surgery, is about to expire and he'll be deployable again.

I did tell him about yesterday's dream and pushed it off as the hormones.  I did not tell him about today's nor will I for a while since I'm guessing it really is just my fears and the damn hormones.

If he is going to deploy I'm going to freeze his sperm.  I'm going to ask him to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible with the clinic in Seattle for the donor eggs.  You just never know.  I mean why wait.  Its something we had planned on doing together this new year coming up so if he is going to deploy why wait.  Do it now.

So this is where I stand today.  My asthma has been beating up my respiratory tract for the past several days, almost a week now.  Yesterday I had to use my emergency inhaler twice.  Today I took a benadryl and I might just start back on my nebulizer.  The green gunk from my nasal passages is getting too thick.  I'm trying to avoid antibiotics as they mess up the rest of my body.  The post nasal drip is making it so hard to breathe.  This wouldn't be the first time I've developed a sinus infection that turned to asthmatic bronchitis in summer.  Yes I know its heading there too.  Neti pot, pushing more fluids, benadryl, nebulizer...I've got it covered.  Its just going to take some time to clear up.  Just one more echo from my past.

***Update***
J just came home to get some documents.  He said they wouldn't be allowed to deploy him until his three months have passed from the date of surgery.  Well that is some good news.  He still has time here and will hopefully be safe.

More About The RE Visit Yesterday

After I got home from the RE appointment yesterday I had some cake and got sick.  I think perhaps I had a bit too much sugar as I was the only one that got sick.  Oh and I stayed sick all day and night.  I didn't go out for dinner.  Today's plans for the Highland Games were cancelled. But that is okay because my bestie and her family, and my cousins had to cancel too.  No fun going with just my spouse as for clan gatherings we like to huddle together under the tent marked with our clan name.

Back to the rest of the RE update.  First off I forgot to mark the weight loss on the blog yesterday.  I've lost 6 pounds since my last weigh in on the 17th.  Nothing to sneeze at since it was only 10 days I lost that in.  I'm far from starving myself.  I am confusing the hell out of my stomach by varying the caloric intake vastly every three days and its actually working.  For about three days I take in about 2500-3000 calories then drop back to 1200-1500 calories for three days.  I lose weight with either amount of calories I take in and have proven it to be so already.  Maybe I found something that will finally work for me?

After the post yesterday the blood work results were in.  My Estridol level was about 150 if I recall clearly.  I forgot to write it down.  But still its down considerably since the first measurement on the 17th.  The HCG beta, of course, was negative.  I started the Provera right away.  I'm now on day 2 of that drug.

The uterine lining was 2 mm less than the 17th.  Funny, but I didn't bleed.  The RE said it can vary daily without a bleed.  I didn't know that particular bit of information.  It is now measuring 10 mm.

Lt.Col. B. was informed, by me, that my TENS Unit died.  I think its the battery.  My work comp insurance supplied it to me for an injury sustained at work in NY back in 2006.  Now that I'm out-of-state no one wants to deal with NY state work comp insurance claims here in WA.  I guess they want their money right off and NY likes lots of red tape.  So the likelihood of me getting a new battery or the machine fixed through work comp without having seen a doctor for the injuries, other than an Army doctors of which refuse to testify or supply medical records for work comp cases though they will treat me for the problem, is close to zero.  However, the TENS Unit is for pain control and often used for those that suffer from adenomyosis and endometriosis besides the other reasons why its prescribed for like torn muscles.  With all that said, Lt.Col. B. is putting in a referral for me to the Pain Management Clinic here at Madigan.  YAY!  I might just finally get some help.  My PCM is an idiot, good bedside manner, but alas an idiot that refuses to refer me to anyone other than the initial appointment to GI but that was already in the computer from years ago, before he was my PCM, so he had to let me get re-referred to them.

Okay enough blathering.  To cut to the chase, I'm going to get my pain taken care of at last!  Hip, Hip, Hooray!

Next week Friday I should be able to call for an appointment with the Pain Management Clinic.  It still might take a while to get the appointment but I'll be on the list to be seen.  Its a start.

Big And Bigger

Well I don't have good news to report from my visit with the RE.  I am definitely not pregnant.  I am not in a new cycle either.  Actually Dr. C. has no real clue where I am in my cycle.  He said, "you are recruiting follicles and your E2 count was 145 Monday.  You have break through bleeding and your uterine lining is now only 7.1 when it was 9.1 just a few weeks ago."

The blood clot in my right ovary has grown.

The two follicles on my left ovary are now cysts.

I have corpus luteum cysts going on but he didn't state which side.  He did state that this is indicative that I ovulated and might have caught the egg. But it doesn't really mean squat to me at this point since he wants me off the endometrin as of now.  He says that the progesterone might be adding to the messed up cycle.

Dr. C. didn't tell me how many follicles I am recruiting nor the size of the follicles I have now or the size of the blood clot.  Maybe it just doesn't matter at this point?

He wants me off of the clomid for a cycle.  I should go on birth control but he said with the migraine headaches I get while on it that it wouldn't be worth the side effects.  So in two bleeds I'm to call the clinic and schedule blood work and a scan.  So about the end of May he figures.

This isn't the first time my cycles have gone haywire while on Clomid.  I was amazed that Dr. C. would even hint at menopause without digging through my chart.  Seriously I'm quite regular with 24-27 day cycles without the clomid.  The clomid is what messes up my cycles.

He said that I should try on my own, a full natural cycle this time, but only if the pain isn't too bad.  Good thing I have plenty of OPK's.  I have two hpt's on hand and that should be enough since its really the opks that will be needed most.

So within two weeks of going off of progesterone I've been known to have a bleed.  Back in the days of my really messed up cycles from the PCOS I used to use Provera to get my cycles to start after the negative Betas.

In two weeks if I don't start you know I'll be calling my clinic to find out what is up and try to get AF on board with our next trial run at pregnancy.

Oh and still no news from the gastroenterologist.

Watching The Grass Grow

Today is just one of those days that I might as well just sit and look out the window watching the grass grow.  I'm waiting on a phone call from my doctor's office.  I had to have blood work done this morning.  The nurse practitioner told me that they would call me in two to three hours with the results.  Its been three hours now.  Maybe she meant two to three hours after their lunch was over?

Well after being scolded, I figured that would happen, for not properly informing them of my clomid usage I now have a referral to see the fertility specialist.  Last appointment I brought in my current script of my clomid and showed it to my physician's assistant who informed me, as she was typing information into the computer on my chart, that I was okay to take the medicine as long as I knew how to take it.  The instructions on how to take the prescribed medicine were on the container and I still had my information on the item, so I told her I was informed.  My PA is pregnant. She is absent minded too.  She was the one that forgot to fill out and sign one of the pages of my EFMP form a few weeks back.  I rather figured she forgot to put into the system my fertility meds.  I've been good all week keeping my blood pressure around 124/76.
Need I say that my blood pressure was up at the vitals check this am?

So now I sit here and wait.  I need to know if the result is a positive or a negative.  Negative I can start the next round of clomid if I get a bleed.  If I don't then I'll have to make another appointment and ask them again for a script of Provera to get things going.  I asked for the script of Provera today and she brushed me off.  Its not like I'd go pick it up if the test is positive.  My last fertility doctor had put in an order for the script so I'd have it on hand, but that was two years ago.  If its positive then I'll have to go to the next stage and see a different specialist from the one they are referring me to.  Yet another appointment is a sixty-six percent chance with the two factors of needing a medicine or a positive result.

Last night in a fit of frustration, my hair being naturally curly tangles easily, I gave myself a hair cut.  It doesn't look at all bad, which is a surprising factor considering I gave myself layers.  Now I just need to dye it again.  I think I chopped off up to five inches in length on the top layer and maybe two inches on the bottom layer.  It now flows nicely.  Eventually I'll try to straighten it again with my appliance for that chore.  I say chore since my hair is so darn thick it can take me around forty-five minutes to straighten.

My spouse is home early from work today.  First time in a while.  So he mowed the lawn and washed the car.  Now he is seeding and fertilizing the lawn.  The sky is quickly growing dark.  We are going to get rain again for about four or five days straight starting tonight.  I might just be able to watch the grass grow.