Echoes

It is said that history repeats itself so that we learn from our past mistakes.

I've just taken my last dosage of Provera.  Hopefully I'll never need it again for this purpose.  I get nightmares.

Yesterday morning I awoke with convulsing sobs racking my body.  In my dream I was told to say good bye to my husband.  They had done everything they could but they didn't intubate him in time to save him.  He was brain dead.

This morning a phone ringer awoke me from another bad dream.  This time I was in the hospital and they said that my husband had a GSW (gun shot wound) and was in surgery.  Again they couldn't save him.

I don't recall ever having nightmares where my spouse couldn't be saved.  I don't recall ever having the nightmares two nights in a row.

The phone call was another echo from the past.  Just before J was to deploy this past spring the same number called.  I know who it was.  I know why they called.  I'm scared.

I called J immediately to tell him of who called.  I asked him to check his official email some time today just in case its what I think it might be.  I realize its rather late in the game but J's profile, from surgery, is about to expire and he'll be deployable again.

I did tell him about yesterday's dream and pushed it off as the hormones.  I did not tell him about today's nor will I for a while since I'm guessing it really is just my fears and the damn hormones.

If he is going to deploy I'm going to freeze his sperm.  I'm going to ask him to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible with the clinic in Seattle for the donor eggs.  You just never know.  I mean why wait.  Its something we had planned on doing together this new year coming up so if he is going to deploy why wait.  Do it now.

So this is where I stand today.  My asthma has been beating up my respiratory tract for the past several days, almost a week now.  Yesterday I had to use my emergency inhaler twice.  Today I took a benadryl and I might just start back on my nebulizer.  The green gunk from my nasal passages is getting too thick.  I'm trying to avoid antibiotics as they mess up the rest of my body.  The post nasal drip is making it so hard to breathe.  This wouldn't be the first time I've developed a sinus infection that turned to asthmatic bronchitis in summer.  Yes I know its heading there too.  Neti pot, pushing more fluids, benadryl, nebulizer...I've got it covered.  Its just going to take some time to clear up.  Just one more echo from my past.

***Update***
J just came home to get some documents.  He said they wouldn't be allowed to deploy him until his three months have passed from the date of surgery.  Well that is some good news.  He still has time here and will hopefully be safe.