Monday Brought Nightmares

Physical therapy went well enough.  I told my therapist that I wouldn't be able to do a few of the exercises like the leg press as my right ovary was sore and I had an IUI a week ago.  She was okay with that.  Instead I peddled for 20 minutes on the stationary bike.  That hurt my uterus.  Seriously I started with cramping like pain.  Every time I would get up and walk around after that the cramping would start more.

Is it any wonder at 8 dpo when I checked a hpt this morning it was negative?  Maybe it is way too soon but I doubt it.  Not trying to be too negative but the cramping has already started that means not much longer for the period to start.

Last night the nightmares started in.  Yet another symptom of an impending cycle start.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I have to wait it all out of course.  I really hate PTSD.  If it isn't my ex doing damage to me in the nightmares it is a family member.  Man I had a f'd up first marriage and a bad childhood.  If I get pregnant I'm going to work hard at being a good mom to my kid.

Yesterday I cancelled the RE appointment that I made over three weeks ago for today.  I didn't think I would be needing it since there wouldn't be anything to see at this point.

I guess I'll test again tomorrow and hope that tonight the good symptoms come back.  Right now I have a nice biting pain in my uterus that comes and goes. 

From Dr. Google:

Implantation after IUI

An IUI pregnancy is the same as a normal pregnancy. The only difference is the process of how the sperm entered the egg. Women who have undergone IUI fertility treatment can expect implantation to occur six to twelve days after ovulation. A pregnancy test conducted any time after this period provides a positive or negative result. A home pregnancy test is 99% accurate when detecting pregnancy. The test is conducted by holding the absorbent tip in the urine flow for five seconds. The test stick should be placed face up in a flat position for two minutes. A plus (+) sign, two red lines or a positive colour indicate pregnancy. Women who received an HCG injection before IUI may get a false positive result. This may require another pregnancy test a few days after.


So I guess what I do know is that the HCG shot is definitely out of my system.  Maybe the pain I'm getting is a good sign?  I won't know until the beta which is next week Tuesday.

If you put up a tree do you put up a star or angel?  If neither what do you put on your tree for a topper if you do put one up?

CD 14 6 DPO

So I had a horrible nightmare this morning.  I thought about the nightmare and it seemed to have a bit of a moral to the storyline.

In my dream I was driving to Florida with my husband to tell my parents that I was pregnant.  I get to their condo and find it's a murder scene.  Home invasion.  The body aren't covered up.  It's a mess.  My brother showed up before I did and he is now laying claim to all my parents possessions.  I started crying.  Not because of the loss of the possessions but because I had lost my parents.  The only thing I wanted in the dream after my parents were removed was two cookbooks that had been in the family for a while.

So after waking up I evaluated the dream.  It's best to not wait to tell my parents when I do get pregnant again even if it means that they will have to possibly deal with me losing another one.  Yes, I had thought to not tell them until I was in the fourth month.  Too much heart ache to let them know sooner but really I think with my dad's health being so bad it's best to tell him right away.  He is living on borrowed time.

I've also learned that most things I could care less about owning that were my parents.  I just truly do want the two cookbooks.  If my brother, who is quite greedy about material things, wants it all I'll most likely not fight him.

No my parents no longer have their condo in Florida so the likelihood of this dream happening is basically nil.

Symptoms of either pregnancy or PMS:

Breasts are a bit sore---could be too much estrogen and another cyst forming
Tight feeling and some cramping in the uterus----could be endo and adenomyosis pain
Bi-lateral pelvic twinges today and last night---could be cyst pain.
Heightened sense of smell----maybe my sinuses are starting to clear up!  Yay!


I listed two more pairs of baby booties in my shop today.   http://www.etsy.com/shop/darendianadesigns?section_id=12104337

Echoes

It is said that history repeats itself so that we learn from our past mistakes.

I've just taken my last dosage of Provera.  Hopefully I'll never need it again for this purpose.  I get nightmares.

Yesterday morning I awoke with convulsing sobs racking my body.  In my dream I was told to say good bye to my husband.  They had done everything they could but they didn't intubate him in time to save him.  He was brain dead.

This morning a phone ringer awoke me from another bad dream.  This time I was in the hospital and they said that my husband had a GSW (gun shot wound) and was in surgery.  Again they couldn't save him.

I don't recall ever having nightmares where my spouse couldn't be saved.  I don't recall ever having the nightmares two nights in a row.

The phone call was another echo from the past.  Just before J was to deploy this past spring the same number called.  I know who it was.  I know why they called.  I'm scared.

I called J immediately to tell him of who called.  I asked him to check his official email some time today just in case its what I think it might be.  I realize its rather late in the game but J's profile, from surgery, is about to expire and he'll be deployable again.

I did tell him about yesterday's dream and pushed it off as the hormones.  I did not tell him about today's nor will I for a while since I'm guessing it really is just my fears and the damn hormones.

If he is going to deploy I'm going to freeze his sperm.  I'm going to ask him to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible with the clinic in Seattle for the donor eggs.  You just never know.  I mean why wait.  Its something we had planned on doing together this new year coming up so if he is going to deploy why wait.  Do it now.

So this is where I stand today.  My asthma has been beating up my respiratory tract for the past several days, almost a week now.  Yesterday I had to use my emergency inhaler twice.  Today I took a benadryl and I might just start back on my nebulizer.  The green gunk from my nasal passages is getting too thick.  I'm trying to avoid antibiotics as they mess up the rest of my body.  The post nasal drip is making it so hard to breathe.  This wouldn't be the first time I've developed a sinus infection that turned to asthmatic bronchitis in summer.  Yes I know its heading there too.  Neti pot, pushing more fluids, benadryl, nebulizer...I've got it covered.  Its just going to take some time to clear up.  Just one more echo from my past.

***Update***
J just came home to get some documents.  He said they wouldn't be allowed to deploy him until his three months have passed from the date of surgery.  Well that is some good news.  He still has time here and will hopefully be safe.

Treasure

The nightmares continue.  I'm hoping that soon they'll stop. 

Last night's bad dream gave me an idea.  Yes, sometimes a good thing can happen from something bad.  "In order to create one must first destroy."  So since the bad dream was about J's cartography hobby, no he doesn't have one it was a dream, being destroyed by people that said he was wasting his time, I came up with an idea.

J could always use more hobbies besides making chain maille ren gear and jewelry, reloading ammunition, and collecting axes.  I had an idea that since he likes maps so much and took classes in college on surveying and drafting that perhaps he could start designing kids treasure maps.

Why a treasure map?  Well we have a Geo-caching that we never use.  It was a thoughtful gift from his mom but with the weather being so wet when he gets time off we've never been able to get out there.    I thought out loud, "well why don't you read up on the Geo-caching J and find out how to make treasure maps for kids?".  He is giving it some interest.  We know of two red haired boys that would probably flip over a treasure map or two.  Maybe it will give J something to do while his back is healing.

Oh and he re-injured his back the other day when they were having him move vast amounts of boxes that weren't exactly light weight.  He has to do as they command since his profile expired.  Monday he is going to get his back looked at again.  I'm hoping its not too serious.  I can only imagine the pain he must be in.  I'm used to being in pain so I ignore most of it.  But when its acute pain and you aren't in daily chronic pain its always worse.

Lupron Dreams

I had forgotten, with good reason, what the Lupron does to my body and mind.  Last night I had my reminder.

I woke up in a cold sweat several times last night.  I was having night terrors again.

The first dream was of the never ending work day.  Every time I'd ask for a break in my dream I was told that I had to work longer.  The day never ended and I was working retail.  I never really liked working retail.  It just doesn't fit with my personality.  I'm a loner.  But I'll go into that in a few days with the book review.

I woke up at 0400 hrs to take my blood pressure medicine and get J up to do his morning PT.  He continues to do PT on the weekends and his body really appreciates it.  I appreciate what his body looks like now too.  Maybe I'm a tad bit shallow but seeing the squared off pectorals he has developed and the beginnings of a six pack isn't a bad thing to look at each day.

I'm starting to swell up.  The funny part of the Lupron is that even though I'm still losing weight, I lost another 0.4 lbs overnight, I'm bloating up too.  My pants are snug over the abdomen after just three injections.

I'm getting cranky.  Oh I knew that was going to happen.  It can't be helped.  My spouse knew it was to be expected and he is giving me breathing room.  I'm lucky in that we went through this together last time and he is now more understanding.  I think some of it has to do with the book I read this week and will post my review in a few days.

The second and third dreams I had, through the night, were just as unsettling as the first.  I was trapped in a room with people that just wanted to verbally poke and prod me.  They weren't understanding.  In all three of the dreams people were expecting more from me that I am able to give.

Its just my fears.  I know. 

I'm thinking about getting out in a bit today just to enjoy the snow we have here.

Another Night Of Restless Sleep

I think the hormones are getting to me.  I know that each cycle, at a certain point, I get nightmares.  Well, it shouldn't be happening now.  Two nights in a row of nightmares.

I woke up at one point in the early hours gripping my right bicep so hard I think I was trying to strangle it with my left hand.  I have a slight bruise on my right arm today. 

I really thought I had the PTSD under control.  I thought wrong.  Funny how hormones can bring about that which we thought we had burnt, sealed the ashes in an air tight can and dropped with an anchor to the deepest trench in the ocean. 

J can't call me right now.  Its been 11 days since I last spoke with him.  I've played his messages, from the last year, just to hear his voice.  Pitiful I know. 

Maybe in a few days he'll be able to call home again.  I cherish those 5 minute phone calls.

Thoughts That Plague The Unconsious Mind

This morning I awoke not once but twice from nightmares.  I'm not sure of one particular thing that might have triggered the nightmares but its a good thing that J wasn't in bed with me.  I was thrashing about the bed and yelling.  Well I was yelling in the dream, maybe not in reality, however, I did wake up with the covers askew and me on the wrong side of the bed.

I've been under quite a bit of stress of late.  I think I need me time.  I've got plenty of it right now but somehow I always feel like I need to be doing something constructive.

Yesterday I finished the blanket I've been working on since early 2010, just before J came home from Iraq.  For a while I had put it away but of late I've been working like elf to get it finished.  I have many other projects that need to be finished too but never enough time.  I was going to send the blanket to my mom so that she could raffle it off for charity down there for the vets but now I think that I'll save the postage and find a buyer here for it so that I donate the money to charity up here.  Maybe a charity exclusive to my installation so that I know the funds will go to help another soldier.

I called my mom last night to tell her about the IVF for this October.  I jokingly said "want to pay half?".  Her reply was, "Half a grandkid? I'll talk to your father about it later tonight".  Oh my word, really?  I was only kidding but seriously if she wants to help out on this IVF I'd love it.  Heck even a few hundred would help out.  My parents have no grandchildren.  Its not likely they'll ever get any from my brother either.  He prefers the life he lives without all the complications.

I'm worried that this IVF might not work.  That if my parents do help out they'll hate me for using their money with no return.  That might sound harsh but I know my parents pretty well.  One of my nightmares last night was about this very thing, that I'd disappoint them yet again.  No, they aren't like other parents when they are disappointed in me they punish me, even through distance they find their ways.  I really hope, that if I'm lucky enough to have a baby, that I'm not going to be like that to my kid.

Coping With Nightmares

Alone I wander through the dark streets.  My shadow quavers in the faint sodium glow.  Eerily the sound of my footfalls echo, where are the night sounds of the frogs and crickets?  Why is there no one else out walking tonight?

From the left I hear a sound, Oh God NO!  Okay now how do I get out of this dream?

Yes, yet another bad dream in the early morning hours.  The man that abused me all those years ago has again cropped up into my dream state.  I somehow knew it would happen.  It was triggered by the book I've been reading.  The heroine of the novel has been abused.  She escaped much as I did but I didn't have to fake my death.  Now this heroine is having to face her past that she ran from.  Does it ever stop?  Do the dreams ever completely go away?  I have to finish this novel.  I know it will have a happy ending as it is the only type this particular author ever writes.  I too will have my happy ending when I awake from the bad dream to realize that it was just that, a dream.  Unfortunately my dream was based on truth, my past.

I know that some of my readers can understand these nightmares.  Hopefully most of  you that have them don't have them often.  I wonder if I'll ever be fully healed.  I'm just so thankful that I have my wonderful, understanding husband to be there for me.  When I awake from these nightmares my husband is almost always there to help me deal with them and to give me that hug when I'm ready.  Thank you J. 

For those of you out there battered, beaten and traumatized please find a way to get out and get some help.

For my friends and readers that are survivors of domestic abuse this video is for you.