Lucky 777

Just got word that we have a blastocyst!  Just one but all that is needed is one.

J and I will be discussing the other option that PNW just offered to us too.  Not sure if there is an extra charge or not.  I'm excited.  I have real hope.

I'm smiling from ear to ear!

Flowers, Friends and Fertiles

J apologized for his bad behavior on my surgery day with flowers and sweets.  As you can see they are on my big dining room table with all my meds and my instruction sheet for the embryo transfer.

I have yet to hear from Dr. C. today on the status of my embryo. I know he is quite busy since this is the week on the calendar we all were supposed to be retrieving.   Last night SRM called me with the time and date of the embryo transfer.  What if there is nothing to transfer?  I'm scared.  Last time I had just one embryo.  It was perfect.  As perfect as they can get and it didn't stick.  I have only a 10% chance of this one making it and becoming a take home baby.

Friends I thank you for all your support.  Knowing that I have so many supporters out there means a lot to me when I'm so hormonal.

Last night I had a friend call me.  She begged me to accept the apology of the fertile girl that was so callous about her announcement.  My friend swears that the girl never reads my blog.  Well if she never reads my blog then how did she come across my reply comment on my blog about the callousness of her behaviour?  DUH!   She obviously reads my blog.  I did say, "good luck" to her on her announcement.

Of course I wish her no ill will.  I know first hand how precious babies are, and how hard it is for some of us to conceive.  She is a fertile and so is my friend.

*******WARNING******

Now for my rant.  I might get vicious and I need to point out that some of my friends and acquaintances can be found at either end of this and some somewhere in the middle.

An infertile gal waits for the embryo report with the phone next to the shower curtain so she doesn't miss that ever important call. First she hesitates to even take the shower fearing she might not be able to hear the ring.  While the fertile gal could care less if the phone rings and she'll get to it when she gets to it.

An infertile gal counts her two week wait in injections and Endometrin depending on protocol.  A fertile gal hardly will notice until her period is already late.

An infertile gal can pinpoint the day, and time in which her baby was created.  The fertile gal might not even pay attention to when her last period was but figures it was sometime during the sex crazed week she had.

An infertile gal knows the donor number of her sperm or spouse.  Some, not all, fertile women can't pinpoint who the father is.  I knew one gal that had a line up of possible fathers and had them all tested.

An infertile gal is supposed to suppress, stimulate, and then maintain with progesterone to get pregnant before the embryo is even put in her.  The fertile gal drinks, smokes, dances, lifts mountains of loads of laundry and has no clue she might be pregnant.

The infertile gal will most likely, unless she has a blog, suppress her urge to tell the world that she is pregnant at the first or second Beta because she knows it could all go south.  She will wait until the beginning of the second trimester and sometimes wait until week 24 when she knows the baby has a chance to survive on its own.  The fertile gal takes the home pregnancy test decides to go out and start baby clothes shopping.

The infertile gal is often put on full pelvic rest due to cysts caused by the stims,  which means sex is not an option.  No not even masturbation.  The fertile gal is able to continue to have sex.

An Infertile gal is hyped up on hormones but is told by her friend that doesn't understand she needs to accept an apology from a pregnant gal because that girl is pregnant.  The infertile is taking meds which mimic pregnancy in order to support pregnancy at higher levels than what are in an already pregnant woman's body and I'm the one that has to "be a bigger person"?  The Fertile gal sniffles and boo hoo's that an infertile monster is jealous of her and someone calls the INFETILE "a skanky dependapotmus that is jealous".

The infertile gal will quietly and with much reserve notify other infertiles of her joy not wanting to upset them on their infertile path, unless she has a blog she shares with other infertiles that cheer her on.  She will understand if they can't handle her joy and don't want to converse with her until they are better able to cope.  The Fertile gal will blurt to the world she is pregnant and not give a rat's ass about her infertile friends that have suffered loss after loss.

The last two pregnancies I was very quiet about announcing them.  You would have had to look closely at my blog to see that I had even said for sure I was or wasn't.  I'm trying to be careful to not hurt anyone's feelings but dammit I have feelings and if you read my blog and are fertile and don't have the foresight to tell me personally, if you are a close friend, of your upcoming sproglet then you aren't a very good friend. I don't like to find out via mass media that a supposed friend could care less about my feelings.  Frankly you just rubbed my face in your second kid's dirty diaper with what you said.  Thanks a lot.

Oh and I just got word.  How its even possible I don't know since the last one was as perfect as possible but Dr. C. said this one is even better than the last one.  

Me:  I know I only have a 10% chance of it implanting due to egg age.

Dr. C.:  I have no fear that this one will implant because its more perfect than the last one.

I have a bit of hope again.

Oh and yes if you are one of the Fertiles I mentioned above learn compassion for those that are infetile.

If you are one of my friends remember I've lost 3 pregnancies, 4 babies already.

If you are infertile I hope that all of us will soon become mom's with take home babies.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Where There Is Hope There Is Joy

I have noticed that when I have hope I'm always filled with joy.  Because of late that I have hope that I'll create a baby, and a take home one if I'm lucky, I'm filled with the joy that just spills over into other areas of my life.

I'm feeling love.  I'm giving love.  I smile more.  Now I have a chance.

For those that were curious as to my E2 numbers on Friday, I found out last night for you.  I really had forgotten to ask about the E2 given the state of the follicles as they are more important when it comes down to it.  But my E2 as of Friday after 4 days of stims were 1900, we didn't check it on Saturday.

Yesterday was my last Lupron shot.  I administered it to myself.  J gave me the IM HCG last night.  Of course the required test was positive this morning.  I have hope that it won't be the only positive one before the beta.

Oh yes, I'm going to POAS before the Beta.  I want to know if I have something growing in there.

Tomorrow at 0730 hrs is the egg retrieval.  We will be doing a three day transfer due to my age.  I was hoping that maybe we'd get to 5 days but Dr. C. thinks 3 days with the assisted hatching will be fine.

So I have hope that I will have enough to get one embryo to stay put this time.

Oh and because I do have hope I bought the above bead for my bracelet today.  I have so much hope that J and I were talking about a second child using donor eggs next time.  It would still be his biologically and a half to our one we created together.  I'm fine with that.  My clock would get reset.  I wouldn't need the stim shots either which is a bonus.

This will be our last IVF with my eggs.  With my estrogen counts this high after just four days of stims I'd hate to see how bad it will be next time.

I bought some heavy weight military boot socks for the treatments.  I'm going to use a sharpie to decorate them.  Oh and if I get my husband to remember he'll take pictures tomorrow of the socks on my feet and us together with me in my gown.

Wish us luck.

Delay, Dilemma, or Doom

I can feel a storm approaching in my ovaries.  I know that sounds a bit odd but those that have suffered through IVF will understand.

One of the RE doctors called me yesterday about my E2 day 3 lab results.   I knew it couldn't be good since the clinic was closed due to the snow so they would only call if it was bad news.   It wasn't good.  I can find no one that would cheer about a count of 1064 on only day 3.

I'm taking a deep breath in right now and trying to blow away the stress.  I might end up with a cancelled cycle.  I might end up with OHSS if the number continues to climb.

Dr. B. told me the Gonal-F will have to be reduced from the 525 to 375.  The Lupron and Menopur will both stay where they are right now.

I should have known this was going to happen.  Tuesday I started producing the egg white fertile cervical mucus that we infertiles always seem to look for each month.  I had it and I'm like wtf?  Seriously why now?  Something isn't right.

I should have known when yesterday my pelvic region is so puffy that my 16's are snug from only a 0.6 lb weight gain in two days.  Forget wearing my l4's which were still lose on me only three days ago.   It looks like I've gained 10 pounds.  Today I stepped on the scale only to see another 0.6 added to my weight in just one day.  That makes 1.2 pounds in three days.  Will the weight gain stop?  Its not my eating for sure, I'm closely monitoring what I eat and how much exercise I get.

I should have known when the cramping started and the back pain became almost unbearable.  Usually that pain only hits when I'm close to the retrieval time or ovulation itself.  The pain was radiating down my legs and up my back.

So yes, I'm a bit worried.  Hopefully I'll keep my blood pressure down.  Hopefully the Circle + Bloom will work its magic and I'll just have extra recruits. I had only 5 antral follicles.  I'd love to have 10 so that I might be able to freeze an embie or two.

But I'm being a realist here.  I'm quite aware that this cycle might be cancelled.  I've prepared my husband for the worst.  Now I'm going to hope for the best.

If you are the praying sort would you keep me in your thoughts and prayers that this cycle will still give me that take home baby?  I know its a lot to ask for, but I'd do the same for you.

Feeling A Little Sick

Okay I'm tired, so tired that I slept in until 1030 hrs today.  I tried to nap yesterday afternoon but my bladder had other ideas.  NOT PREGNANT still.  Yup you heard me, the test is still negative.

So I'm probably testing way too soon.  I'm not due for another cycle to start until at the earliest 1 December.  I had a three day window of LH surge and I figured that yesterday was my 10DPO.  I could be wrong and it could be the final day of the three day surge.

My boobs, while not as sensitive as yesterday are still swollen, tender and plain annoying as they seem to be everywhere but where they should be which is staying within the limits of my bra.

I'm nauseated right now after eating.  Could be the flu as early this A.M.  my belches were smelling of sulfur.  Thankfully that smell has gone away and I really hope it doesn't come back.  After researching the smell it seems to have come from what I ate yesterday at Subway Store # 6901, a meatball sub.  Can you say food poisoning?  At least it was mild enough of an attack but I won't be eating at that place again.  So if I am pregnant I really hope this won't affect the embryo, if there is an embryo.

I would like to thank the bloggers at Miss Conception and A Blanket 2 Keep for giving me this award.  I really appreciate her thoughtfulness in deciding I deserved it.  Her blog is an IF journey of conception and loss and how she is coping with it all.  I can only hope to be as strong as she is.

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

#1 is Alex

I read her blog about her twin pregnancy because as we all know creating one baby is hard but creating twins is extra hard.  She really deserves this award.

#2 Another Dreamer 

She  has a dream to have a baby and has never given up.  With only a few weeks to go in her pregnancy I love to hear how the she is getting everything ready.  One day I hope to be in her shoes and having my own nursery prepped.

#3Singlemom2b

I give this award to her because she is going about this whole IF process without a partner.  I applaud her decision.  I know I couldn't do it without my spouse as I'm a big baby.

#4 Pork Chop this one is for you.  You always keep my spirits up.  Thanks for being there for me.  I really enjoy reading your blog.

#5 Paul  can't forget you man.  I've known you since I was a bratty teen.  I love reading your blog about your adoption and your family unit how it goes on with struggles, joys and winter life in the North Country of NY

For the rest of you,  I love reading all your blog post.  Really I do.  I wouldn't follow your blogs unless I found them interesting.  Keep up the good work.

Beta Today

I'm still on bed rest.  At 0200 hrs I started to bleed AGAIN!!!  Luckily it stopped within two hours of starting.  Now I'm just freaked out any time I get that bit of a creepy sensation, yes even with perspiration, in my panties.

I had my beta HCG drawn at 0700 hrs today and am waiting for the results.  I'm scared that JR decided it didn't want to stick around.

There are days, like today, that I dread.  I just don't handle this waiting game all that well.  I want answers now.  But yet, I'm afraid I'll get an answer that is going to be hard to deal with.

I'm cranky.  I'm tired.  I'm nauseated from worry.  Still I took my PIO shot this morning.  Even though I'm positive its going to be a negative beta or so low its inevitable to be a chemical pregnancy.  Yes, I'm turning into a pessimist.  Its become almost too much to hope for to get a positive result.  For now I live through my fellow bloggers,  I feel their pain and their joy.  I hope more of us get that BFP with a healthy baby.  I want it too.  For now I'll just sit here on bed rest with my phone handy.

Oh this bed rest is causing me some pain too.  My left hip and left ankle have now decided to no longer cooperate with the reclined position.  The left hip refuses to stay in its joint and the left ankle, well that is pain related to the torn deltoid ligament that never fully healed.  But the pain will be worth it if only I get a BFP later today.

If I don't I think I'm going to go for a really long walk and screw the pain factor.  I can't stay inside all day and dwell on things lost.

******UPDATE*****
0957 its a BFN.  Chemical pregnancy.  Yes, we lost this one.  I'm trying to get us into the next cycle which is in January.  I really don't want to wait until March but the doctor gets the final decision.  This will be the last try too.

Pregnancy Test Blank Window

I'm on my spouse's laptop on bed rest today.

****TMI***
Last night I had more of the bright red, thick bleeding. No clots thankfully.  That is of course until it turns to the brown stuff.  When it goes brown it gets all sort of clots in it.

I took a home pregnancy test this A.M.  A digital one, EPT to be exact.  I did as directed and waited watching the little hourglass work its magic, then it goes blank.  WTF!  Yes, it went blank. 

Okay so it has a battery in it and I have to crack it open to separate the electronics from the rest of it for proper disposal.  Besides it does have a test strip inside, this isn't the first time I've cracked one open. 

Luckily for me I could read the test strip.  Its not rocket science and I've no clue how some folks can't read them.  So for today I saw the thin blue control line separated by a white space and a big blue smudge three times the thickness of the control line.  So I guess I'm still pregnant.  Its good news I think.  But the bleeding is scary.  Maybe the bleeding is nothing?

I have yet to call the REI nurse after she told me to take it easy yesterday.  I'm definitely on bed rest today.  J's been very helpful and has loaned to me his laptop, brought into the bedroom my healthy snacking foods (nuts, and such), the 300 dvds in the single case, another blanket, bottles of water too.  He is so sweet when I asked him to do this.  He had to get to work but he took time for me. 

You should have seen his face screw up in agony this morning with the test results.  He is happy but he is also afraid that I'll still lose JR in the next few hours.  We are both afraid that the blood test tomorrow will come back negative.

I'm hoping of course that JR decides to stick around for the full 9 months but I can't make it happen if its not to be.  I continued with the PIO shots this morning.  This one given in the bedroom while I was on my side. 

My bad back is really hating me right now.  I need to get up and move about but I know that the more I move about the less my uterus will rest, the more the blood pressure will rise, and so on and so forth. 

I'm sure many of you out there know what I'm going through.  I'm struggling just like the rest of my infertile cysters to keep my embryo in my uterus.  Each pregnancy is different for every one of us.  If I'm lucky enough to carry to term I'll try to not complain too much about the pain from my DDD, bulging and herniated discs in my back and neck, and the fibromyalgia pain.  No promises though, I knew what I was getting into before I got started.

Fright Fest

Samhain aka Halloween is usually one of the most exciting nights for me in the year.  I love to decorate the house, dress up and pass out candy.  This year its not going to be as exciting.  I think I'm going to be on bed rest.

The cramps and spotting started last night.  Not brown, no its red.  I called my REI nurse just before midnight to let her know that I think I'm losing the embryo.  She asked me a few questions.  She assured me that spotting is normal and that I should call the office tomorrow.

I had to call them today and am currently waiting for a phone call back.  Sure the bleeding stops when I'm lying down but when I'm standing up or sitting up in a chair it starts up again.  Kind of hard to take a shower while lying down.  So yes I'm still bleeding.  Its no longer spotting.

My husband is in class.  He can't be home for me.  Its a mandatory class.  There are times I don't like his job.  Usually I do but when I need him and can't have him here for this it really sucks.  I'm sure that if I started to hemorrhage they'd let him come home from class so he could be there for the ER but really to the Army this is a natural event.

I'm not angry that my other friends are pregnant.  I do feel sorrow at what seems like is going to be my loss.  I'm not sure I can go through this again.  I know I probably will in March but for now I just need time.  If I'm going to lose JR I hope it happens soon.  If JR is going to stick around I so wish the bleeding would stop.

I hate this not knowing.  I'm two days away from the official blood work and it just doesn't look like I'm going to make it to that event.

Its not the money I'm worried about.  Money is just money, its nice to have so that I can afford to have these infertility treatments but I'm not angry about the loss of money because it seems to not have given me a child.

I am angry with my body.  It has betrayed me.  I still got my morning shot of progesterone.  I'll keep taking it until they tell me otherwise.  I can still hope.  I'm scared.  I'm frightened.  It looks like I'm going to have to go find the old lap top and try it out today from the reclined position.