Samhain aka Halloween is usually one of the most exciting nights for me in the year. I love to decorate the house, dress up and pass out candy. This year its not going to be as exciting. I think I'm going to be on bed rest.
The cramps and spotting started last night. Not brown, no its red. I called my REI nurse just before midnight to let her know that I think I'm losing the embryo. She asked me a few questions. She assured me that spotting is normal and that I should call the office tomorrow.
I had to call them today and am currently waiting for a phone call back. Sure the bleeding stops when I'm lying down but when I'm standing up or sitting up in a chair it starts up again. Kind of hard to take a shower while lying down. So yes I'm still bleeding. Its no longer spotting.
My husband is in class. He can't be home for me. Its a mandatory class. There are times I don't like his job. Usually I do but when I need him and can't have him here for this it really sucks. I'm sure that if I started to hemorrhage they'd let him come home from class so he could be there for the ER but really to the Army this is a natural event.
I'm not angry that my other friends are pregnant. I do feel sorrow at what seems like is going to be my loss. I'm not sure I can go through this again. I know I probably will in March but for now I just need time. If I'm going to lose JR I hope it happens soon. If JR is going to stick around I so wish the bleeding would stop.
I hate this not knowing. I'm two days away from the official blood work and it just doesn't look like I'm going to make it to that event.
Its not the money I'm worried about. Money is just money, its nice to have so that I can afford to have these infertility treatments but I'm not angry about the loss of money because it seems to not have given me a child.
I am angry with my body. It has betrayed me. I still got my morning shot of progesterone. I'll keep taking it until they tell me otherwise. I can still hope. I'm scared. I'm frightened. It looks like I'm going to have to go find the old lap top and try it out today from the reclined position.