Life: An Update

Life is always bringing me changes.  Some I can handle quite easily, others I just want to smack someone for dropping on my doorstep.  The later has been most of those of late.

J comes home last night with his OCS packet.  He has to re do the entire packet.  Why when S1 went over it with him months ago before he submitted it?  Well its because of the long field exercise.  His packet sat at S1 the entire length of the exercise and documents expired.  All his hard work, heck my hard work too as I helped in the gathering together of some of those documents, went to the circular file.  I told him if only he'd done this when I first suggested it wouldn't have hit the expiration.  Oh well, its done.  Starting over with phone calls for references last night.  Maybe he'll have it all together in two weeks time.  I hope.

I've gained five pounds.  I stepped ever so gingerly onto the scale yesterday morning only to see tilt.  Okay so it didn't say tilt but it should have with the numbers I saw.  The ovarian cysts aren't going down.  I'm gaining weight and eating less.  I'm full easily with the cysts pressing on my organs.  The pain is now above the naval.  Last week the pain was still only below the naval.  This indicates to me that they are not reducing.  Great.  I'm rationing my percocet to just one a night.  I have enough left now to last until Thursday night if I'm careful. 

During the day I take acetaminophen with the hopes that it will take the edge off most of the pain.  It never does.  I did some more research on the ovarian cysts.  There is absolutely nothing they can do to reduce the size of them except for surgery.  I'd rather not have surgery.  I don't like taking the risk of an infection.  Staph infections happen more often then we realize.  So here I sit whining and complaining about the pain.

Now I can complain more because life just sucks more.  I'm alive I know this because of the pain.  I don't want pity, I want sex.  Did I just say that?  Yes!  No sex makes me grouchy.  I should be used to not getting sex being an Army Wife.  But when the husband is home I'd like to make up for all that time when he is gone.  No sex of any sort because a woman's orgasm causes the uterus to elevate and shake.  We aren't allowed any jiggling movements or so says the doctor.  No sex he says.   Again I say, "Life sucks".

We finally have a bit of nice weather here.  Its cold but not raining.  Well its not raining yet.  I'd love to go out for a walk but the pain keeps me inside.  I think I'd go outside if I had a hot tub but that is about it.  Okay maybe if there was a trail of unopened chocolates leading me down the street I might budge from the house.  But only if the chocolates led up to a bottle of narcotics.  Geez make me sound like a druggy doesn't it? 

Two more weeks until my next ultrasound.  A few days after that I get my dental work done.  Had to wait until there was no fear of me being pregnant.  Mid May I have my MRI.  I'm going to glow in the dark from all the radiation.

On the subject of female issues, another blogger pointed out the feminine napkin and tampon commercials as being unrealistic.  I have to agree with her on that one.  How many of my female readers, during that time of the month go hiking with no toilet on a trail.  How many go sky diving?  How many plan taking a cruise in search of that special guy?  Really now!  I mean how come they don't show the truth?  How about showing a female shouting at the man in her life.  Maybe show her drowning her PMS in ice cream, chips and chocolate?  How about showing her crying because yet again she didn't conceive and the pain is bad both emotionally and physically? 

Yes, I realize that stuff most likely will scare men off from women who expect us to be those "fake" females that love to do outdoor sports during that time of the month.  I realize that products probably won't get sold if the truth were shown on tv.  But I'd like to see some truth in advertising and none of this "have a happy period"  bs.

I'm crabby.  I'm unhappy that all my vacation plans have gone out the window due to high gas prices.  I'm unhappy that I'm not pregnant.  I'm unhappy that I'm in pain.  I guess they only thing that is making me truly happy right now is that I know I'm loved even when I'm not the best person to hang with.  Love really does make a difference even when I'd like to rip someone's head off.

I'm alive, I'm able to do things to take care of me, I'm capable of giving and receiving love.  Life isn't so bad.  But it could be better.

Marriage: The Three Legged Race

Every night my husband and I try to make time to talk to one another without distractions such at eating, television, computer games.  Its quality time for one another.  Time that we spend getting to know one another and what are our plans for the next day.

Last night I came to a startling realization, our marriage is a three legged race and I feel like I'm the only one in that darn rubber band.  I spoke a bit harshly last night.  I was tired of my spouse sitting on the sidelines with me and the Army carrying the burden of decision making.  Marriage is a participation sport.  We have to help one another to that finish line.

Wait a minute, there is a finish line?  Yes unfortunately every marriage has a finish line.  Some finish sooner than others but the goal is "until death do us part".  Some chose to cut the rubber band early and go for a divorce.  Others just sit idly by and watch as the other spouse struggles to make all the decisions and carry the load thus dragging the person they love so darn much along with them.

With my analogy last night I realized that my spouse has been sitting on the sidelines.  Its so easily done when the job gets in the way.  The Army can get in the way.  The Army can take over a marriage and destroy it if you let it.  I'm always checking up to make sure that it doesn't get into bulldozer mode and wreck our marriage.

A three legged race is all about sacrifices, balance, support and reaching that common goal.  If one person goes too fast the other will stumble and fall.  If one person tries to go off in another direction the other will get dragged along and no one likes road rash.  If something comes between you and adds friction to your rubber band, IE: The Army and infertility, then you must slow down and evaluate its reason for being there.  The balance part comes in when the other person needs more support.  So you put your arm around them and hold them close knowing that the two of you will make it to the end.

My illness, the ovarian cysts, is causing some conflict.  Our vacation plans for Yellowstone look like they are off the table entirely.  I can't walk that far around the park in this amount of pain.  J's training is becoming an issue too making our vacation window smaller.  Gas prices are eating at our budget for vacation.  So we are now making plans to possibly go on a cruise.  Not to some hot spot.  No, just a small cruise to some place nearby.  If our plans collapse further it might just become a ferry boat ride.  But what ever happens we'll make it work.

The Army won't always be in our three legged race, nor will the fertility issues.  Children though always a part of us, if we can have some, won't always live with us either.  Its just J and I in that rubber band.  We are in this adventure together exploring the race course.  Life is the adventure and we are going to live it together.

Pain update.  About 0630 hrs my ovarian cyst pain hit a crescendo and I yelped in pain.  I was doing absolutely nothing but laying in bed.  Many more of those and I'll have to head to the Emergency Room.  I really don't want to lose either of my ovaries.

Waiting With Frail Hope

Grey clouds stroll
By the sun has yet to
Shine my inner light.

Sit
Wait
Worry
Wonder.

So many thoughts enter my mind
On puffy white clouds,
                                                                                    On dark grey clouds,
                                                                                    On thin wispy streaks.
                                                                                    Where to seek,
                                                                                    Where to go,
                                                                                    What to do and
                                                                                    Yet I sit and wait.

                                                                                   The pain will pass,
                                                                                   The cysts will shrink but
                                                                                   How long must I wait?
                                                                                   I wait.

                                                                                   I wonder,
                                                                                  Will I ever conceive?
                                                                                  Did I wait too long?

The fertility issue is mine and mine alone but not my burden to carry alone.  Just the other day J told me he was sorry that he asked me to wait so long to start our family when he was ready.  Did we wait too long?  Maybe.  I still have eggs and they are plentiful.  I'm not likely to run out any time soon.  The fertility issue is one of age.  My eggs are old and the quality ones are now a rare find.

Do I still have a chance?  My doctor thinks so but its going to cost us dear and there is still no guarantee.

Now I sit and wait while women 'round me swell with life.

What Do A Grapefruit And A Tennis Ball Have In Common?

What do a grapefruit and a tennis ball have in common?  Well for me its my right and left ovaries.

Today I had not just one internal ultra sound but two and a pelvic scan done.  I have two ovarian cysts now.  Dr. B explained to me that the one on the right ovary is 9 cm in size or about the size of a  grapefruit.  The one on the left is smaller at about 6.7 cm and the size of a tennis ball for easy understanding. 


Did I mention how much pain I've been in this week?  Oh and to add more pain but this one mental the pregnancy test is a BFN (big fat negative).

Dr. B still has hope for me.  He says I have plenty of eggs left.  So we are now thinking that IVF (invitro fertilization) might be a good option and damn the consequences to our savings account.  We are also considering EA (embryo adoption).  Believe it or not EA is less expensive than IVF.

J really wants a child of his own genetics, I guess I do too.  EA is still safe up to the age of 45 so I have some time left I found out thanks to the wonderful nurse M.  M even printed out for me information from a website on EA.  Truly I love the idea.  I'd still get the chance to have a pregnancy and adopt but all in one sweet cooing package. 

Maybe if we have one of our own genetically soon we'll do EA for the second one.  I love children.  I'd love to have several but financially its just not possible.

So okay back to the ovarian cysts.  The sharp pain just reminded me of my topic.  I was stupid the other night and ignored the pain I was in.  With fibromyalgia and back problems I'm always in some sort of pain.  Dr. B said next time I get that pain to go directly to the Emergency Department.  I didn't realize I could lose an ovary out of this deal.  I really don't want that to happen.

Dr. B wanted to put me on birth control pills for at minimum of one cycle possibly three.  I told him I'd be willing to do it and would deal with the migraines that I get from birth control pills.  Once he heard I get migraines he said he wasn't going to put me on the birth control pills.  They would possibly have helped since they would prevent the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (lutenizing  hormones) from further stimulating follicles.  Oh and I'm off sex until further notice too.  That I think hurts the most.  No sex.  Dr. B also said no trampolines or jiggling movements which of course gave me some splendid ideas but I won't go into those here.  He is worried about the torsion more so than a cyst rupturing.  By the way the cysts are growing large enough to push behind the uterus and press against my intestines which is causing all my back pain.  It hurts to sit, stand and even lay down. 

Dr. B decided to prescribe me percocet for the pain.  He prescribed me enough for two days worth or twelve pills.  Since I hate taking narcotics I'll most likely take them only before bed.  For now I want to be alert.  I like have coherent thoughts.

Poor J is going to be stuck with the majority of the housework if bending is causing me any pain.  But he is okay with that, or so he says now.  He spoke with Dr. B and said he wanted to make sure I had no wiggle room around the  instructions because I always find a loop hole to get done what needs to be done when he isn't around.  So yeah, I'm not allowed to do much of anything for a while.  I'm going to go nuts by Monday.

If you are reading this and live in my area come visit me.  I'm now the sick friend that isn't allowed out to play for fear of injury.    I really wish I had a hot tub.  I could use one right now.

Ovarian Cyst Pain, Please Go Away!

Right now I'm waiting for a phone call from my Infertility doctor so that I can get in to be seen today, tomorrow or at the very least Friday.  My only other option would be the ER.  Even though I'm in a lot of pain I don't want to go to the ER.  Why?  Well its because you don't get to see the doctor that you need to see.  More often than not at the MTF (military treatment facility)  you only get to see a PA.  Really do I want a PA applying pressure to my pelvis trying to figure out if its an ovarian cyst or appendicitis?  Especially when half of them don't want to listen to the patient when they know they've been previously diagnosed with the ovarian cyst and only16 days ago?

My pain level right now is about a 7 on the scale, I'd consider it an improvement .  36 hours ago my pain was at level 10 and I was sorely tempted to go to the ER.  I felt something twist in my pelvis.  I almost screamed but it came out as more of a groan from a dying person.  I kid you not.  See screaming involves, at some time in the cycle, taking a deep breath with the muscles contracting.  I didn't scream because taking a deep breath inflicts more pain.  Sitting inflicts pain.  Laying down inflicts pain.  Oh I give up.

At this point I've taken just about a days worth of acetaminophen, since 1400 hrs PST, and its barely taken the edge off the pain.  Now I'm waiting for my doctor to give me a call back.  I spoke with the nurse yesterday and this morning.  They are trying to get me in to be seen.  They want to do some labs.  They want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.  I may only be at cycle day 21 but I'm now 13 days passed ovulation.  I ovulate early.

We didn't do an IUI this cycle as they weren't sure I'd be ovulating with the cyst being 2 inches across on day 6 of my cycle.  They even told me to not take the last dose of my clomiphene citrate.  They did see a few follicles getting ready for ovulation but felt that the cyst was too big and would possibly prevent ovulation.  Okay so did I.  But just in case I took the OPK (ovulation prediction kit) two days running starting the next day.  Second day of taking it I got my two lines.  I was good to go. 

Could I be pregnant now?  I could be since anything is possible, even at my age. 

Do I have doubts that I am?  Yes.

Right now I just have to take it easy.  I hate being lazy.  I hate sitting around.  I hate waiting for results.  But I have no choice.  Its nearing lunch time for the doctors.  Hopefully I'll hear back from them this afternoon.  Meanwhile I'm going to grab the novel I'm almost done reading and curl up as best as I can with the pain and relax.

We'll see what happens next.

Workers' Compensation Glitch

This morning I proceeded with the appointment to get a prescription for physical therapy out of network.  Lights were flickering in the clinic and the power went out several times.  No hard charts which is rather lousy.  Seems as though they've all been sent away to St. Louis or some place like it.  Why?  Well the military wants to rely upon technology only.  Rather annoying when they have no power.  I think they should keep those charts handy.  But no. 

Dr. G asked me what I did for a job.  I told him I was a homemaker.  He said that is a hard enough job.  He is right it is.  I get very little compensation and very few thank you's for my job.  I have to be satisfied when my spouse and company enjoys my home, food, and hospitality.  I take pride in keeping my house clean and making sure there is food on the table when we sit down to eat.  So its really nice to have a physician finally say that it is a hard job and not suggest that I get a job out of the house.

I didn't get the prescription.  Seems as though there is a federal law prohibiting the military medical providers from giving me a prescription for physical therapy with the Workers' Compensation.  My doctor called up the people who are willing to deal with my case here.  He explained quite nicely to the secretary why he couldn't give me the script.  So now I'm back to square one.  I tried to explain to the people here that it couldn't be done through the military but they didn't listen.  Or perhaps they turned a blind eye and actually knew but figured they'd not tell me.

So while at the office of Dr. G I was able to be seen for my neck injury which is not Workers' Compensation related.  My arms have been going numb for no good reason.  I have damage to my neck, this I know from previous MRIs.  But I guess he saw or felt something during the exam because he ordered a full spinal MRI.  But because I might be pregnant he told me to wait.

I'll know in about a week if I can get the MRI.  I rather hope I don't get the MRI as I'd rather be pregnant but with this ovarian cyst I have my doubts. 

Last night, while trying to get into the bed my cyst twisted.  Yeah that hurt.  I just about screamed in pain.  Its akin for guys of having someone twist one of their testicles and for you women that have never had an ovarian cyst twist on you, well its like having someone grabbing a hold of one of your breasts and twisting it hard.  Its quite painful.  I told J I would call the infertility clinic today and tell them what happened.  I'll get around to it later.  I just don't like being poked and prodded.  I'm tired.  Sleep is alluding me due to pain.  Pain that I can't take bloody thing for to make it go away!

Out Of State Workers' Compensation Problems

Tomorrow I have to head over to my MTF (military treatment facility) to get a prescription allowing me to have physical therapy out of network.  I'd rather have it within the network as it would be so much easier to just do physical therapy on post.  Alas, I have to follow the rules of the New York State Workers' Compensation Board.  I have to go outside of my network because the military doctors do not want to send reports to my lawyer about my case.

Working with the PIN (Peoples Injury Network) here in Washington State I was informed that I need to have a prescription before being allowed to see a physical therapist out of my network.  My New York State lawyer informed me that I don't need that prescription.  Washington State laws are a bit more complicated than New York if I need a prescription first before treatment.  It doesn't matter that I have a special insurance card for my workers' compensation.  It doesn't matter that I've already been established in another state.  It is another state and the laws are different.

So tomorrow I have to waste a precious appointment slot to see my PCM (primary care manager) in order to get a blasted script for the workers' compensation.  Why am I even bothering?  Well I've not been paid in almost three years.  I'd like to get my weekly amount of $40.00 again.  Its not much but it does help pay for gas.  I'll also be paid mileage to and from doctor's and physical therapy sessions.  I might also be pain free for a few days if they do the physical therapy properly.  I have my doubts on being pain free.

Really I'd rather just be left alone.  I don't like going to see doctors.  Latest statistics have shown that 1 out of every 3 hospital visits something goes wrong.  I don't like those odds.  The less I have to be seen by the medical professionals the better for me.

I'm still in a great deal of pain from the ovarian cyst.  It hurts to sit, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to stand.  Nothing to be done.  The cyst is causing more back pain issues too.  I'm so not looking forward to that doctor's appointment tomorrow where I'll be poked and prodded.

Wish me luck.