20 Kids

I'm sorry but somehow I just find this a bit wrong.  Okay sure I'm jealous of the woman's ability to still produce viable eggs at the age of 45 but I'm also concerned about the reasons why they are still even trying.

First off they already have 19 children.  How can they possibly afford to feed the ones still living at home.  Please note that I don't watch this show and never have but that I just saw the headlines on Yahoo this morning.

Second how can it possibly be good for Michelle's body to even be trying for number 20 at the age of 45 and with past complications with the last one?  I'm 42 and I wouldn't even consider trying at her age.  I never thought I'd still be trying for the first one at 42 either.

I read through a few of the comments below the article and one stuck with me about hoarding.  Another about pets.  Well I wouldn't exactly call it hoarding since they aren't material possessions, they will grow up and hopefully leave the nest and they aren't animals per say, though I'm sure all of our parents have at one time referred to us as animals with the messes we make.

Its really none of my business but why is all I want to know.  Just why would they even consider having yet another child in this economy?  Its no longer cute to see huge families when you know in reality they have the same issues as a small family would just multiplied.  Remember though, television only allows us to see what they want us to see.

The only large family I tend to cheer on these days would be the Brown Family.  At least there are 5 adults raising all those kids.  5 potential incomes.  5 parents all helping one another when problems arise.  20 children and 2 parents is just a mess.

Life: An Update

Life is always bringing me changes.  Some I can handle quite easily, others I just want to smack someone for dropping on my doorstep.  The later has been most of those of late.

J comes home last night with his OCS packet.  He has to re do the entire packet.  Why when S1 went over it with him months ago before he submitted it?  Well its because of the long field exercise.  His packet sat at S1 the entire length of the exercise and documents expired.  All his hard work, heck my hard work too as I helped in the gathering together of some of those documents, went to the circular file.  I told him if only he'd done this when I first suggested it wouldn't have hit the expiration.  Oh well, its done.  Starting over with phone calls for references last night.  Maybe he'll have it all together in two weeks time.  I hope.

I've gained five pounds.  I stepped ever so gingerly onto the scale yesterday morning only to see tilt.  Okay so it didn't say tilt but it should have with the numbers I saw.  The ovarian cysts aren't going down.  I'm gaining weight and eating less.  I'm full easily with the cysts pressing on my organs.  The pain is now above the naval.  Last week the pain was still only below the naval.  This indicates to me that they are not reducing.  Great.  I'm rationing my percocet to just one a night.  I have enough left now to last until Thursday night if I'm careful. 

During the day I take acetaminophen with the hopes that it will take the edge off most of the pain.  It never does.  I did some more research on the ovarian cysts.  There is absolutely nothing they can do to reduce the size of them except for surgery.  I'd rather not have surgery.  I don't like taking the risk of an infection.  Staph infections happen more often then we realize.  So here I sit whining and complaining about the pain.

Now I can complain more because life just sucks more.  I'm alive I know this because of the pain.  I don't want pity, I want sex.  Did I just say that?  Yes!  No sex makes me grouchy.  I should be used to not getting sex being an Army Wife.  But when the husband is home I'd like to make up for all that time when he is gone.  No sex of any sort because a woman's orgasm causes the uterus to elevate and shake.  We aren't allowed any jiggling movements or so says the doctor.  No sex he says.   Again I say, "Life sucks".

We finally have a bit of nice weather here.  Its cold but not raining.  Well its not raining yet.  I'd love to go out for a walk but the pain keeps me inside.  I think I'd go outside if I had a hot tub but that is about it.  Okay maybe if there was a trail of unopened chocolates leading me down the street I might budge from the house.  But only if the chocolates led up to a bottle of narcotics.  Geez make me sound like a druggy doesn't it? 

Two more weeks until my next ultrasound.  A few days after that I get my dental work done.  Had to wait until there was no fear of me being pregnant.  Mid May I have my MRI.  I'm going to glow in the dark from all the radiation.

On the subject of female issues, another blogger pointed out the feminine napkin and tampon commercials as being unrealistic.  I have to agree with her on that one.  How many of my female readers, during that time of the month go hiking with no toilet on a trail.  How many go sky diving?  How many plan taking a cruise in search of that special guy?  Really now!  I mean how come they don't show the truth?  How about showing a female shouting at the man in her life.  Maybe show her drowning her PMS in ice cream, chips and chocolate?  How about showing her crying because yet again she didn't conceive and the pain is bad both emotionally and physically? 

Yes, I realize that stuff most likely will scare men off from women who expect us to be those "fake" females that love to do outdoor sports during that time of the month.  I realize that products probably won't get sold if the truth were shown on tv.  But I'd like to see some truth in advertising and none of this "have a happy period"  bs.

I'm crabby.  I'm unhappy that all my vacation plans have gone out the window due to high gas prices.  I'm unhappy that I'm not pregnant.  I'm unhappy that I'm in pain.  I guess they only thing that is making me truly happy right now is that I know I'm loved even when I'm not the best person to hang with.  Love really does make a difference even when I'd like to rip someone's head off.

I'm alive, I'm able to do things to take care of me, I'm capable of giving and receiving love.  Life isn't so bad.  But it could be better.

Marriage: The Three Legged Race

Every night my husband and I try to make time to talk to one another without distractions such at eating, television, computer games.  Its quality time for one another.  Time that we spend getting to know one another and what are our plans for the next day.

Last night I came to a startling realization, our marriage is a three legged race and I feel like I'm the only one in that darn rubber band.  I spoke a bit harshly last night.  I was tired of my spouse sitting on the sidelines with me and the Army carrying the burden of decision making.  Marriage is a participation sport.  We have to help one another to that finish line.

Wait a minute, there is a finish line?  Yes unfortunately every marriage has a finish line.  Some finish sooner than others but the goal is "until death do us part".  Some chose to cut the rubber band early and go for a divorce.  Others just sit idly by and watch as the other spouse struggles to make all the decisions and carry the load thus dragging the person they love so darn much along with them.

With my analogy last night I realized that my spouse has been sitting on the sidelines.  Its so easily done when the job gets in the way.  The Army can get in the way.  The Army can take over a marriage and destroy it if you let it.  I'm always checking up to make sure that it doesn't get into bulldozer mode and wreck our marriage.

A three legged race is all about sacrifices, balance, support and reaching that common goal.  If one person goes too fast the other will stumble and fall.  If one person tries to go off in another direction the other will get dragged along and no one likes road rash.  If something comes between you and adds friction to your rubber band, IE: The Army and infertility, then you must slow down and evaluate its reason for being there.  The balance part comes in when the other person needs more support.  So you put your arm around them and hold them close knowing that the two of you will make it to the end.

My illness, the ovarian cysts, is causing some conflict.  Our vacation plans for Yellowstone look like they are off the table entirely.  I can't walk that far around the park in this amount of pain.  J's training is becoming an issue too making our vacation window smaller.  Gas prices are eating at our budget for vacation.  So we are now making plans to possibly go on a cruise.  Not to some hot spot.  No, just a small cruise to some place nearby.  If our plans collapse further it might just become a ferry boat ride.  But what ever happens we'll make it work.

The Army won't always be in our three legged race, nor will the fertility issues.  Children though always a part of us, if we can have some, won't always live with us either.  Its just J and I in that rubber band.  We are in this adventure together exploring the race course.  Life is the adventure and we are going to live it together.

Pain update.  About 0630 hrs my ovarian cyst pain hit a crescendo and I yelped in pain.  I was doing absolutely nothing but laying in bed.  Many more of those and I'll have to head to the Emergency Room.  I really don't want to lose either of my ovaries.

Waiting With Frail Hope

Grey clouds stroll
By the sun has yet to
Shine my inner light.

Sit
Wait
Worry
Wonder.

So many thoughts enter my mind
On puffy white clouds,
                                                                                    On dark grey clouds,
                                                                                    On thin wispy streaks.
                                                                                    Where to seek,
                                                                                    Where to go,
                                                                                    What to do and
                                                                                    Yet I sit and wait.

                                                                                   The pain will pass,
                                                                                   The cysts will shrink but
                                                                                   How long must I wait?
                                                                                   I wait.

                                                                                   I wonder,
                                                                                  Will I ever conceive?
                                                                                  Did I wait too long?

The fertility issue is mine and mine alone but not my burden to carry alone.  Just the other day J told me he was sorry that he asked me to wait so long to start our family when he was ready.  Did we wait too long?  Maybe.  I still have eggs and they are plentiful.  I'm not likely to run out any time soon.  The fertility issue is one of age.  My eggs are old and the quality ones are now a rare find.

Do I still have a chance?  My doctor thinks so but its going to cost us dear and there is still no guarantee.

Now I sit and wait while women 'round me swell with life.

No Pay, No Infertility Treatments, No Extras, No Necessities Either

I'm an Army Wife so my ears have been tuned to the news that the government will be shutting down as of tomorrow if a budget isn't passed.  Will I think it will happen?  Well I didn't before but now I think its a distinct possibility.

Here is a link to a news article from USA Today on that very subject.  I am reading in this particular article something that really shouldn't surprise me but somehow it still does.  Congress and Obama will still get paid if the government gets shut down.  How is this fair?  If the rest of the government won't get paid why should they?

No pay for J would mean that we'd not be able to continue to afford those out of pocket infertility treatments.  They aren't cheap and with our budget being slashed to only essentials its something we'd have to go without.  Forget about saving up for the IVF treatments which run about eight thousand dollars.

No pay would mean that J would not receive his clothing allotment this month.  Its a yearly stipend of a really small amount that the US Army pays to its soldiers so that they can afford to replace worn out gear.  Its so small that it means he can barely get one pair of combat boots, a pair of trousers, jacket, a pack of t-shirts and possibly a pack of socks.

No pay would mean that there would be no more date nights, though of late their haven't been many of those with his schedule.  It would mean we'd eat at home and those meals would be trimmed of all extras too.

No pay would mean that J wouldn't be able to come home after morning PT for breakfast.  He wouldn't be able to come home for lunch.  Gas is way too expensive to be wasting it on such things as going home for food. 

I'm sure this couldn't last too long.  I mean how would Obama deal with all the guilt he has to obviously feel knowing that his government employees are going without food.  Or did he forget that the majority of the government employees now live pay check to pay check.

I wonder if we could cut our government budget if we made Mrs. Obama cook the food for the entire family and visiting diplomats?  I wonder if we could cut out President Obama's vacation fund?  Ooh I wonder if we could make him pay for his own travel expenses?   

I think I'd pay a small admission fee just to see the Obama's live off a welfare food allowance for four people for one month and entertain on that allowance.  Do you think they'd get tired of eating spaghetti with no meat sauce?

I'd like to see President Obama pay the utilities bills for a month on his wages.  I'd like to see President Obama pay for the fuel for his transportation for one month out of his own pay.  He obviously needs his pay to do those things, right?  Seriously what does he pay for that he feels he needs to have his income not stopped?  Is he afraid his credit rating will plummet?  Is he so deeply in debt that he owes creditors?  I doubt it.

The President could have volunteered to not get paid until the budget gets passed.  He knew he had nothing to risk knowing that he and Congress will always get paid because its in the 27th Amendment.  

Sometimes The Body Does What It Wants

Just the other day J and I were told that we'd most likely not have an ovulation cycle.  Guess what?  The test I took today proved otherwise.  Yesterday I took an ovulation prediction kit and it showed negative.  Today's test showed the two lines. 

I'm good to go.  I'm excited.  My body is still doing what it wants even when the doctors say that it shouldn't be doing this because of a large diameter cyst.  Oh well, I'm taking my chance and every chance I can get to conceive.

Still we aren't going to go with the IUI.  I can't take the extra poking around with medical devices and an IUI is invasive.  Last cycle it hurt like heck because the tech had to keep re-inserting the speculum to get a better view of my cervix.  I think I'd hide too if I could when some piece of cold metal was coming at me.

Now I can only hope that the next test I take will also show positive.  The next test is the pregnancy test.  I have real hopes because I don't really need the clomiphene citrate to conceive.  I just need it to produce extra eggs with the chance for a good quality one to get fertilized.

Fingers crossed.

Its The Egg Update

As I type this post I'm waiting to get my call from the fertility clinic on the time scheduled for the IUI tomorrow.  Alas I don't have as many ripe follicles as last cycle.  Again I have only a 5-6% chance to conceive in this cycle.

At best I have one or two more cycles for the clomid therapy.  There are other procedures that can be done and I just might have to explore those options.

I'm ready to be a mom.  I've always wanted to be a mother.  I know I can give to my child the attention, patience, and guidance that it will need.  I am scared.  I'm scared that I will never get the chance to experience motherhood in all its ups and downs.

A woman is most fertile between the ages of 18 and 25.  Most of us aren't ready to be mothers at those ages.  If I had taken that window years ago it wouldn't have been my husband that would have fathered my child it would have been someone else due to the fact that I'm nine years older than my spouse.

New technologies are being developed on egg freezing but for now eggs don't thaw out well at all.  Frozen embryos defrost just fine as well as frozen sperm.  Our eggs are just too fragile.

The good news is that I am fertile, its just my aging eggs, though I still have plenty to fertilize this cycle.  More good news is that my restrictions are lifted.  I'm allowed to cook, clean, exercise and so on but with the standard limitations of my back issues and the fibromyalgia of course.  I like doing housework.  Since I'm a domestic goddess I feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that I have a clean house.  I like it when people come into my house on any given day and see that it is clean.  Okay well its hard to get my husband to pick up after himself but I give him a bit of leeway on that considering military housing doesn't have enough storage space for all the Army gear that the soldiers are issued.  The soldiers need a bedroom all to themselves just to store their gear.

Egg Assured

 Moisture covered my bedroom window from top to bottom reminding me that soon the whole window frame would have to be replaced. Wiping  the wetness and mold from the structure yet again, I looked out and saw that frost covered the verdant lawn as the sun rose over Mount Rainer this morning.  It was going to be a beautiful day, though a cold one.  The floor was cold enough in the bedroom that I could feel the icy fingers of frost through my socks.  Yet, all was right in my little world.  Today I had a chance, a slim chance but a chance all the same.  Today I would have my IUI.

My spouse did his collection and the count was even better than last cycle.  I have more follicles than last cycle too.  The technician who did my insemination this morning told me that even though I'm 41 I still have a really good chance with the sperm and egg counts this cycle, better than most actually.  My husband was happy to hear that we had a good chance.  He really wants to be a daddy, not just a father that spends a few hours a week with his kid because he has to.

We often talk about the future and children.  Daydreaming about what our kids will look like, if they'll get into trouble, their grades, and yes the possibility of grandchildren.  For the next two weeks I'm to be treated as if I am pregnant until I test one way or the other.  So for the next two weeks I can dream with hopes of a happy, healthy baby.

Quality Versus Quantity

Sticking my hands into the pockets of my black London Fog hooded trench I walked with my head down following my spouse to where he parked the vehicle.  Rivulets of blackish tears were pooling on my cheek to drop unchecked to my coat.  I just didn't care.  My life was falling apart.  I was given bad news today by the doctor.

I'm fertile I cry.  I'm just too old to conceive it seems.  Eight years ago my husband wasn't ready to be a father.  We were college students without a good source of steady income.  Five and a half years ago we wed.  We still thought we had time to have children with neither one of us having medical insurance it was an understanding that we'd wait it out.  Almost four years ago he joined the US Army, we had good medical insurance at last.  Our problem then was location.  He ended up on an isolation tour of Korea, next was his deployment to Iraq.  Am I not meant to have children?  I've been doing the responsible thing all along.  I waited until I had insurance and could afford to feed an extra mouth. I didn't get knocked up as a teenager because I was afraid to have sex and get pregnant knowing that I'd get kicked out of the house.  So am I being punished now for being a responsible person?

Today was my ultrasound.  Each cycle I have an ultrasound to see how I am responding to the clomiphene.  I scored six large follicles.  Yup six eggs ready to be fertilized.  My first cycle on the clomiphene I had four, second cycle I had five do you see a trend?

The problem with me is not my blood pressure the doctor told me, though it is high and there are risks associated with high blood pressure during pregnancy.  There were three officers in my ultrasound room this morning, one was the female nurse that is required, one was the male ultrasound tech and one was the male doctor that told me the results.  He was also the bearer of bad news.  He said not to worry so much about my blood pressure but more about my age.  He explained that with each month my eggs are getting older and the mechanics in them, the DNA if you will, is getting defunct.  So this is why with five eggs last cycle I didn't conceive. 

Now I have to make a choice that I was hoping I wouldn't have to make.  The doctor is pushing for the IVF treatment.  Easy for him to say as he isn't paying for the procedure.  He told me its now $8,000.00 out-of-pocket.  Well that is going to just about clean out my savings account.  But there is only a twenty percent chance of it working.  He said eighty percent chance with my age of it failing but he said its our best option.

I have to let my team of doctors know soon if this is what we want to go ahead with.  I'll have to most likely call them by the end of the week with our answer.  I'm still going ahead with the IUI tomorrow and will do a double over two days.  I can still hope that one of the six eggs will take, right?

Needless to say I left the fertility clinic with tears in my eyes.  I should have been happy to find out I have six eggs.  I'm not.  The quality of the eggs isn't good. 

There is no rhyme or reason to how life works.  If you want something you work to get it.  Well I've been working my butt off to get a baby of our own.   Honestly I don't think I could adopt.  I couldn't deal with the open adoptions they have now knowing that the birth mother could take my child back on a whim.  Foster care to adopt runs the same risk but that the birth parents have to prove that they are now able to take care of their child. 

I'm so emotionally invested in having a child of my own now that I have to stop and think about the costs.  The hormones are tearing me up.  My husband is warned in advance, according to where I am in my cycle, of what to anticipate for moods.  He likes to anticipate.  So I warn him.  I don't like the hormone roller coaster, but I will do what I need to in order to ensure that I become pregnant with a healthy baby.

For my female friends out there, don't wait until you are in your forties to have a baby.  Its harder on the body and the egg quality diminishes quickly.  I was just told today that I have only a few months left in which to conceive.  I'm still far off from menopause but they don't want to try after I hit forty-two, of which I will be this summer.

Hormonal

I think I need this t-shirt.

Okay last night I flipped out on my spouse and got angry just because he was hogging the covers.  I can't take the hormone over load.  This is just one more thing I hate about taking clomid.  There are so very many side effects from the extra horomones that I doubt I'll know if I'm pregnant or not until I get blood work.

I'm grouchy, my skin is drying out and cracking, I'm feeling bloated but yet I got on the scale this morning and have lost 3.6 pounds since Friday, I'm hungry and eat way too much,  I pee way too much for someone that has ditched their hctz/triam, and I think I'm coming down with yet another cold.  I'm sneezing, coughing, and blowing my nose to no end.

I'd like to have a do-over of the extreme.  I want my life back free from the synthetic hormones.  So to anyone that lives near me or is my family this is your warning that I'm very emotional right now.  I can only hope that the pregnancy test I take next week on the 27th will be positive as I can't take much more of these hormones they are giving me.

So folks I'm sorry if I'm acting crazy, cranky, crying and back to crabby the next minute.  Just bear with me.  I don't like it either.

Ultrasound Results

Well this morning I got the results of my ultrasound.  Round two of the clomiphene citrate at the lowest dosage of 50 mg.  Last cycle was my first official cycle on the medicine and I had four follicles.  Today I found out I had five follicles.  Yes, five eggs ready for release.  Its just amazing how fertile I am at my age.  The only reason I'm even on the fertility drugs is because of my age. 

Tonight I have to administer a shot of Ovidrel to myself.  This will ensure that the eggs get released.  I've never given myself a shot before but I have been instructed on how to do it.  It really isn't all that difficult, or so I hope.  I had a flu shot today.  Normally I don't get the flu shot, due to my egg allergy, but I was told of how H1N1 kills pregnant women.  I'd rather not die so I got the shot.  So far no side effects. 

Tomorrow is the big deal.  Tomorrow I undergo the IUI at the Seattle Reproductive Clinic.  I have a date with a device.  My husband asked if perhaps we should go out to dinner tonight since I'll be having "fun" with a device tomorrow.  I gave him a look, thinking no with my left eyebrow raised up.  Still going out for dinner tonight might just relax me a bit more, or it could possible give me an upset stomach if the cuisine decides to not like my stomach.

I'm nervous.  I thought I was nervous last month when I was told I had four follicles.  Now that I have five and I'm bypassing the human error with the scientific method I'm really nervous.  The doctor discussed with my husband and I the distinct possibility of multiple babies from this procedure.  We have a 20% chance of having twins with my five eggs.  Okay I can handle twins.  We also discussed options if we have more than that and the birth defects, low birth weight and fetal death with having more than twins.  We know all about reduction of pregnancy size to save the other babies and how there is also a possibility of losing them all to save just two or three if there are more than that number.  But for now I'm not going to think of those decisions.  I can't make those decisions as the eggs have yet to "hatch".

Nine eggs in two cycles is just a big WOW!  I still think about the doctor that told me I was primarily sterile more than ten years ago.  I guess he was wrong.

Wish us luck.  I just want a healthy, normal, uncomplicated pregnancy and a healthy baby.  Sure I have a preference for sex since at my age I'll probably have but the one pregnancy, however I'll be happy with either sex as long as its a healthy baby.

New Year's Is Upon Us

With a new year just around the corner I know I need to sit down and evaluate all that has passed in the year.  I've accomplished quite a bit I think but I probably could have done a whole lot more.  So this is my year in review.

January:
I was alone this month.   I was diligently working on finishing up the last of the Deaconry Training Program updates.  I had finished the main body of the course work the previous month but still had two updates to finish and I did.  I would apply for my certificate.  I still had another seven months before my husband would redeploy and three more until he would come home for just a visit.  What was I to do with so much time on my hands?

February
The time was drawing ever closer to when my husband would be home on leave, only about eight more weeks to go.  How could I stand it?  I'm not sure I got through it all but more likely just existed.  I decided I would learn an instrument since I was now done with my course work.  But what instrument would I choose and how much did I want to put into it knowing I'd most likely be terrible.  So I researched, I'm a research junkie, and finally found something inexpensive to play.  I decided upon the Scottish Tin Whistle, but I found it for much less than the link and with only two left I had to make the purchase quickly.

March
Now I was only down to a few more weeks.  With him leaving Iraq in just a matter of weeks to visit me I felt the pressure.  I wanted everything to be perfect here.  I had yet to learn enough on my new instrument to impress a baby so there was none of me even thinking of playing a decent solo for him. It would have sounded more like a squeak.  I played the clarinet as a child and actually quiet well but for some reason there was just one note on this blasted tin whistle that wasn't coming out right. I was worrying that I hadn't lost enough weight just yet.  Only twenty pounds.  Would he notice?

April
My spouse left again to head back to the desert.  I was again alone.  How much longer did I have to put up with this crap?  Having him home was just a tease.  Vacation went by in a blurr and I can hardly remember what we got done.  I know we got my garden planted.  Next year I'm going to purchase from Burpee or so I told myself and I ordered their catalog.  Just after my husband left the hail started.  I lost ten of the sunflowers, all of my pumpkins and a few marigolds.  I would have to start from seed again this month.  My precious plants, I felt so bad.

May
Big tease from my spouse.  He didn't like hearing either that they were sending home some of the troops from his camp but he wouldn't be one of them.  He still had a while longer.  I watched as a new neighbor welcomed home her husband.  I later cried.  Why can't mine come home now?  More fighting in the province shortly after they left.  I was scared.  Sure this time around they lost less but they still lost soldiers.

June
Wow where did the time go?  I helped out the end of June with setting up the barracks for the soldiers that were soon to come home.  Did I say soon?  How could this be?  Yes, some had to start filtering home.  It isn't as easy as hoping on a plane and flying home.  Dust storms, canceled flights, insurgent activity all prevented the easy transport home.

July
All I could think of is how much longer.  He's been gone almost a year now.  Will he make it home for my birthday?  Okay fifty weeks down and that means they have to have him home in the next two weeks or I'll...what?  What could I do?  Complain?  Have a hissy fit?  No that wouldn't work.  Okay so I finally get that call.  Not the dreaded he's been injured call but the call that tells me how much longer.  I'm elated.  I couldn't sleep for two days.  I arrive early at the location.  I wait as there are more delays.  One homecoming group comes and goes.  Second, third and then I wonder what is the problem?  Where is mine?  I want mine.  Finally I get to see him disembark from the plane.  All is well.  He doesn't even know he is on camera.  I can see him sitting in the airport waiting area for the bus.  He is doing his chain maille unaware of the live feed camera.  I keep hoping he'll notice it and wave.  I wait more and more.  What's the delay now?  Oh the buses aren't back there yet.  Grrr...I'm so impatient.  Yay!  He's finally walking into the gym.  I want to grab him right then and there but I've been instructed that we aren't to touch them until they are released.  First they have to form up and hear their final instructions and reporting time.  Come on now get with it I want my man.  Oh the hug feels so good.  Its been so long since I've held him in my arms.

August
Almost my husband's birthday.  What should I get him?  What does he want.  He's changed.  I've changed.  He's been gone off and on now since April 2007 with the longest home being 6 months.  Maybe a vacation is in order.  Okay that's an idea.  We head out on the Olympic loop because that is where the Twilight books were based on. We'd just watched the first two movies on youtube together and he wants to see what inspired the writer.  Funny but Stephenie Meyer had never even visited Forks, WA before she began writing her series of novels.  On our first leg we stayed in a caboose up in Sequim, WA.  Rather nice place.

September
We are still vacationing.  Almost done the Olympic Loop.  My husband and I go with a friend of his to a gun show in Port Angeles.  Its not so bad going back there.  Just prior to the weekend with the gun show and his friend we were in Port Angeles again.  Wow three times in less than a month.  The Tall Ships, http://www.historicalseaport.org/ , were worth the trip.    For that particular trip we stayed at a cozy B& B Clark's Chambers.

October
Our plans for another trip failed when his training ran over.  I had to cancel our reservations.  Its part of the Army life.  I have to be ready for almost everything.  Luckily I wasn't charged for the late cancellation.   Leavenworth, the cute Bavarian town, would have to wait.

Novemeber
Well I started a blog last month and it seems to be going quite well now.  I wasn't sure I would even keep up with the writing.  At least the blog is keeping my writing skills active and I'm trying to improve them but we'll just see where this takes me.  Thanksgiving was spent with my husband's family on the West Coast, maybe next year we'll be somewhere else.

December
Where did the year go?  I'm still not pregnant.  Yes, even though I had four follicles ripe with four assured eggs it just didn't happen.  Maybe next cycle with the IUI I'll have better luck.  I'm just so confounded as to why its not working.  I'm fertile my husband is fertile its just not taking.  Every time I get a negative home pregnancy test I want to cry and I usually do.  I keep wanting to just give up.  Five more cycles left to try.  This bring me to the present time.  I'm about to head out for the New Year's Eve grocery run.  We are staying in tonight.  There is a marathon of the Three Stooges on tonight. We don't want to miss it.  We haven't have a New Year's Eve together in two years.  I'll take what I can get for holidays.  Even if tonight isn't spectacular its still a whole lot better than last year when we had to be apart.

J, I love you.  Thank you for being with me this year.

Trying To Find Some Me Time

I guess I got up too late this morning.  I wanted to get a bit more sleep, sleep that has been alluding me most nights due in part to my fertility drugs and a spouse that snores like a freight train.

The third load of laundry is now in the washer with the second in the dryer.  I've still yet to get a chance to grab some much needed food.  Breakfast and lunch have now passed by.  My spouse came home for breakfast in-between the morning PT and his work call.  Spouse came home for lunch and got his lunch while I cleaned out the fridge of the left overs he's not been eating.  Leftovers that I can't consume because of food allergies.  While he is eating his lunch I'm cleaning up the stove top of what he fried earlier and didn't clean up.  The repair man is coming today to work on the stove top, broiler and replace a few broken tiles in the living room.

Because the repair man is due at any time in the next few minutes to several hours, they never give an exact appointment time,  I don't dare start to use the stove to warm up something to eat.  I guess my chance to eat was in the am but I wasted it trying to get some sleep.  Yes, sure its a woe is me my life sucks today.  I'm cranky but I think most of you would be if you hadn't eaten in sixteen hours too.

Right now I need some me time.  No phone calls in the am, no phone calls in the pm, no one wanting a thing from me.  I want to be able to curl up with the book I've been trying to finish for almost three weeks and some sort of food.

I need to remember that I take care of me.  So I need to take time for myself daily just like my spouse does when he gets off work for the day.   I think I need a day at a spa.  Last time I went to one was sixteen months ago and it was only an hour treatment.  I'm tired.  I need some breathing room, some screaming out loud in frustration time.

Back to the laundry.  I'll stop day dreaming now.

Sunday Brings Changes

Every Sunday always brings with it new changes.  Just yesterday we were having fun acting like kids and today its four loads of laundry for me and mowing the lawn for him.  Today we have to be adults.  Can I have yesterday back?

 I haven't been sleeping well for the past few nights.  I'm not sure if its the fertility drugs or just the cold weather.  Turning the heat up isn't an option because its central heat which means it blows dry air around the house and causing my asthma  to flare up.  So instead I sit in the cold, damp air with the heat set to 62 F. 

 This morning I woke up at 0500 hrs with really bad back pain.  The L3-L4 and L4-L5 are the site of the bulging and herniated discs.  Due to the fertility drugs my body temperature has been running a bit higher than the  98.6 F so my husband's hands are like a soothing ice pack to a fresh injury.  Most mornings I can well tolerate the pain but this morning I was writhing in pain for almost six hours before finally saying to heck with it and getting up.  Downward Dog wouldn't fix this type of pain today got to love Fibromyalgia (sarcasm).

http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/   If you are unfamiliar with Fibromyalgia or would just like a bit more information on the topic go to that website.

Tomorrow I have to try to remember to call my lawyers in NY.  Tomorrow I need to get my butt to ACS for my EFMP renewal paperwork.  Tomorrow I...well I'll wait until tomorrow to see what tomorrow is going to have in store for me.  For today I'm just going to do my laundry and try to relax without thinking of the stuff that needs to be done tomorrow.  After all its still today and the government offices are closed on Sundays.

Maybe tonight I'll get one last chance for the weekend at being a kid with my spouse.