Saturday Night Widows

I did find it a bit hard to relate to this book.  Oh I've had my fair share of losses.  I've lost a spouse but he didn't die, unfortunately.  I know that sounds awful.  If he had died at least I had insurance coverage on him and the funeral would have been fully paid for unlike my ER visits and the cost of my divorce lawyer.

The way I lost my first spouse was devastating.  I didn't mind seeing the door hit his ass on the way out but I mind losing him to another woman. Not a younger woman.  But she was pregnant.

No, not pregnant with my ex-husband's child either.  She was still married at the time to her first husband and pregnant with their second child while carrying on an affair with my spouse.

I had one of those type of marriages that everyone dreads.   I had the spouse that mentally and physically abused me, as if the cheating on me wasn't bad enough.  When I found out he was cheating for sure, I had my suspicions he was with various women for years, I went to the doctor's office and got myself tested for every known STD.

How did I find out?  Well it wasn't bad enough that my own mother knew and didn't tell me.  She saw him grocery shopping with the other woman and her young son.  It wasn't bad enough that our close friends knew about the affair and supported him while lying to me.  The clues were there all along.  He worked nights and didn't come home at the end of shift.  He would tell me he would be out with the guys for breakfast then lie about where he went.  He wouldn't answer his cell phone, not even when I was calling to tell him his mother was in the hospital.  I found the final clue while doing laundry.  I won't go into details but I will tell you that my ex-husband does not have blonde pubic hairs nor do I.  Underwear doesn't lie.  I was thoroughly grossed out and confronted him when he got home.

I lost a spouse the way in which I never dreamed; considering he was active duty Army for six years.  I lost him to another woman.  Karma has its own quirks.  The female he left me for, he recently left too.  Yes, he left her for another woman, a younger woman this time.  My heart does go out to the second wife as I'm sure he tried to control her too.  But I can't help feeling that she got a taste of Karma since she knew he was beating me while carrying on her meretricious affair

My life does have a happily ever after.  I married again.  My husband and I are actively trying to create a family while continuing to grow closer together through the many challenges  the Army throws our way.  Life is an adventure and it should be lived that way.

This post was inspired by Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman. After being kicked out of her widow support group for being too young, Becky creates her own support group with an unusual twist. Join From Left to Write on February 14 as we discuss Saturday Night Widows. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Barriers

Well I thought everything was booked for the labs, and tests but I thought wrong.

Today I called my RE office to make sure that J's labs were also to be on the same day and that I have my mammogram booked as well.  J's labs, because I just requested them, will be done the same day.

However, the mammogram cannot be booked by the RE office or OB/GYN.  Really?  My PCM has to book it.  What!

Yeah, the man that knows so little about my woman bits gets to book my mammogram.  I called up his office and requested to speak with a nurse about the issue.  She took the message and will speak with my PCM.  I really hope he understands that I need to get this done.  This is the same man that denied me the pulmonary specialist even though I'm supposed to see one yearly.  Same man that decided my lack of pigment on my neck was a fungus and prescribed me a shampoo for it.  I told him it wasn't a fungus and I'm right.  I did ask for a referral to see the dermatologist since I've had blistering sunburns on my face and skin cancer runs rampant in my family.  Of course he denied me the dermatologist.

I can only hope that the nurse can convince the man that I need the mammogram done soon.  I have to have it for the appointment or at least booked.  I haven't had one in almost two years because TriCare doesn't allow PAP smears and mammograms for those over 40 years of age but every two years unless there is a darn good reason why you should have one.

Hopefully the nurse will be able to call me back today with some good information.  Maybe even be willing to book an appointment that will work with my schedule too?  I can hope.

Moving Forward

Not sure if J and I will do an IUI this new cycle but today I did start the online paperwork for the donor eggs.

My SIS and PAP are scheduled for the 12th of Feb.  Bloodwork is the day before.

If all goes well I'll have nearly everything complete before the March 6th appointment.

24 Hours Makes A Big Difference

I woke up in pain.  A lot of pain.  Pain in my pelvis.  I knew without a doubt that I had just lost this pregnancy too.

Walking slowly into the bathroom I took the HPT and it was negative.  Yesterday's joy was gone.

I kind of knew the positive result wouldn't be long lived.  The nightmares had started before I woke up in pain.  Before my period starts I always get nightmares.  The PTSD nightmares.

Sure enough I'm bleeding.  It is a full bleed too.


I guess waking up to a dislocated finger on Friday morning wasn't enough for me to have over a weekend.  I have no clue just how I dislocated the finger but with hypermobile joints, fibromyalgia and a TBI it isn't likely that I would remember how I did the event that left my finger in pain.  I taped the ring finger on the right hand to the middle finger next to it.  I've done this before.  If the pain and swelling aren't less by tomorrow I'll call my PCM.  Right now to let the middle finger not be so stiff I have it freed from the tape.


The sinus infection is raging enough that I've woken up with broken capillaries on my left facial cheek, pain in the maxillary sinuses now too.  It was just located to the Ethimoid ,Sphenoid, and Frontal sinuses.  I guess the Maxillary sinuses got jealous and wanted in on the game?

Suffice it to say I ache.    I'm bleeding from my nose and vagina.  Not sure which end needs the feminine product more.  (trying for a little humor)

I'm not going to dwell on the chemical pregnancy or the horrible pain of this miscarriage either.  I have endometriosis and I really didn't expect it to be much different because it does affect my egg quality.  J and I will do one more natural cycle with some hope since we have time before we go on to the donor egg appointment in March.  Really what is $200 for an IUI when we will be spending just under $19,000.00 for the donor eggs not including the medicine?

I have yet to read or post the comments from everyone from yesterday.  I'll get to that next.  For now housework calls.  I'll work through this pain like I normally do.  Hey, I was scrubbing the utility room floor on Friday with a scrub brush on my knees with my finger disjointed.  I think I can take the pelvic pain. 



P.S.
Sorry to anyone that I haven't been commenting on your blogs as often this past week.  My wireless router had issues and had to be removed from the computer.  Time to go buy a new one.

No Matter How Faint...

a line is a line.

Most likely this is a chemical pregnancy.

Terrible photo with glare I know.  Hard to see faint second line in this photo unless you squint but the line is there and J saw it too with ease.

Started back on progesterone and if this sticks I hope the spotting which started on 12 dpo stops.  Not enough for a pad but I'm wearing one just in case.

I'll test again tomorrow and find out if the RE nurse got my message today on Monday.  If she did I'll go in for the beta and see about scheduling the tests I need if it is a chemical.

Nothing else to say because there just isn't anything to say at this point.

A Big No

My doctor just called.  He said no to the femera.

Reasons why:

My AMH 1.5 years ago was .6

I develop ovarian cysts too easily from being stimulated by hormones.

It takes 180 days for Femera to make any bit of difference in ova quality.

I don't have enough time so no Femara for me.  I do ovulate every cycle but I have crappy eggs.  Still I tried to explain to the doctor that for me it is implantation issues.  I told him I realize that the mitochondria is probably bad and that might have something to do with the implantation along with the endometriosis.  Doctor did say that his team was really worried about me last year when they got inside me and found what they did find.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now.

We joked about twins on my side of the family but the doctor did state he would be happy if I just had one baby at a time considering the health risks.  I realize that I have a 50% chance of making it out alive to delivery.   I know that many of you probably didn't realize the risk I'm putting myself at.  But J and I realize it.  50% looks pretty good to me.

Maybe the SIS will reveal something this time?  Last time it showed I had another endometrioma.  Maybe I will get an all clear.

J and I are both disappointed.  He too wanted us to have a fully genetic child.

Tomorrow is 15 DPO.  I'm still only spotting off and on. I'll have been off progesterone for three days by then.  Doctor wanted to know why I took myself off of it.  I told him that I told the nurse because I had started to spot on 12 DPO.  He said take a HPT tomorrow because it is possible I might be pregnant, though slim by what he just said about all issues with me.

Found out today that a long time friend of mine, I called her, had a partial hysterectomy this week.  I've known her since we were both 18.   She has no children.  I can't help but think that I'm next.  Last year they wanted to take my ovaries out because I get cysts too often.

Sorry if this post seems gloomy.  I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection and was just told No for stims.  I'm afraid I'll be told no when it comes to the donor eggs.   And yet I'm also afraid they might just say yes and it will work too.  What would I do then?  I'm so used to failing with reproduction.

Crappy Mood

Bad day.

Bad last two days.

Yesterday I waited for six hours for my PCM to have his nurse call back about the sinus infection.  Of course same antibiotic but this time I'll be on Augmentin for 14 days.  Same dose of 875 mg twice daily.  Let's see if this time it kicks the sinus infection.

Cardiology clinic never called me back yesterday.  I was promised on their answering machine two business days.  I waited three.

My RE never called me back yesterday.  I waited at home all day yesterday on three phone calls.

Screw this shit.  I'm pissed.  I called the RE office today and demanded that I be allowed a cycle of femara.  Nurse said she would email the doctor again and hopefully he'll call me today.

We now have time for the femara cycle because we now aren't moving until the end of July.  I'll still keep the March 6th appointment but I don't have to be on birth control before I see them now.

It is 1500 hrs and I have yet to have a bite to eat or a sip of fluids today.  I've been scrubbing the floor, doing laundry, and getting the taxes done.  I waited two hours for the taxes today at the office.  My sugar levels are dropping low.  I'm tired and cranky.

Oh and my internet signal keeps getting dropped. 

Hoping that tomorrow is a better day.