A Big No

My doctor just called.  He said no to the femera.

Reasons why:

My AMH 1.5 years ago was .6

I develop ovarian cysts too easily from being stimulated by hormones.

It takes 180 days for Femera to make any bit of difference in ova quality.

I don't have enough time so no Femara for me.  I do ovulate every cycle but I have crappy eggs.  Still I tried to explain to the doctor that for me it is implantation issues.  I told him I realize that the mitochondria is probably bad and that might have something to do with the implantation along with the endometriosis.  Doctor did say that his team was really worried about me last year when they got inside me and found what they did find.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now.

We joked about twins on my side of the family but the doctor did state he would be happy if I just had one baby at a time considering the health risks.  I realize that I have a 50% chance of making it out alive to delivery.   I know that many of you probably didn't realize the risk I'm putting myself at.  But J and I realize it.  50% looks pretty good to me.

Maybe the SIS will reveal something this time?  Last time it showed I had another endometrioma.  Maybe I will get an all clear.

J and I are both disappointed.  He too wanted us to have a fully genetic child.

Tomorrow is 15 DPO.  I'm still only spotting off and on. I'll have been off progesterone for three days by then.  Doctor wanted to know why I took myself off of it.  I told him that I told the nurse because I had started to spot on 12 DPO.  He said take a HPT tomorrow because it is possible I might be pregnant, though slim by what he just said about all issues with me.

Found out today that a long time friend of mine, I called her, had a partial hysterectomy this week.  I've known her since we were both 18.   She has no children.  I can't help but think that I'm next.  Last year they wanted to take my ovaries out because I get cysts too often.

Sorry if this post seems gloomy.  I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection and was just told No for stims.  I'm afraid I'll be told no when it comes to the donor eggs.   And yet I'm also afraid they might just say yes and it will work too.  What would I do then?  I'm so used to failing with reproduction.

Crappy Mood

Bad day.

Bad last two days.

Yesterday I waited for six hours for my PCM to have his nurse call back about the sinus infection.  Of course same antibiotic but this time I'll be on Augmentin for 14 days.  Same dose of 875 mg twice daily.  Let's see if this time it kicks the sinus infection.

Cardiology clinic never called me back yesterday.  I was promised on their answering machine two business days.  I waited three.

My RE never called me back yesterday.  I waited at home all day yesterday on three phone calls.

Screw this shit.  I'm pissed.  I called the RE office today and demanded that I be allowed a cycle of femara.  Nurse said she would email the doctor again and hopefully he'll call me today.

We now have time for the femara cycle because we now aren't moving until the end of July.  I'll still keep the March 6th appointment but I don't have to be on birth control before I see them now.

It is 1500 hrs and I have yet to have a bite to eat or a sip of fluids today.  I've been scrubbing the floor, doing laundry, and getting the taxes done.  I waited two hours for the taxes today at the office.  My sugar levels are dropping low.  I'm tired and cranky.

Oh and my internet signal keeps getting dropped. 

Hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

Changes

Since CD 1 is right around the corner, my FRER was negative again this AM, I'm going to get a jump start on eating a bit healthier.  This morning for breakfast I'm having a smoothie and a nut bar. 

Wheat Grass Smoothie
1 scoop of wheat grass
1/4 cup of pineapple juice
1 pineapple ring
1/4 of frozen raspberries
1/4 cup of flaked coconut
1/2 cup more of less of water

Kind of looks like chocolate when mixed up and it didn't need a sweetener.

I did gain 3 pound from the Endometrin during my two  week  wait but have thus far lost one pound. 

I'll also be adding in DHEA 75 mg daily to my vitamins.  Most of the vitamins I was taking I've let run out.  I really got tired of being on so many of them.

Today the RE IVF/Donor egg coordinator nurse at my clinic called me.  She said that Lt.Col.B. will be calling me later today to discuss my wanting to use femera.    I'm guessing he is going to tell me no.  But I just found out that our move to Ft. Stewart has been delayed by two months.  So maybe with this new information he'll be more on my side since I have a bit of extra time and less rushing on the DE.  Oh I'm still going through with the donor eggs.  I have my appointment set for March 6th. 

Called my PCM this morning.  I have now for a week had green and bloody mucus discharge for a week.  Time to beg the PCM for help.  I just got done with a sinus infection treatment a few weeks ago.  I'm guessing it wasn't completely out of my system.  Not sure what they'll do for me now.  The neti pot isn't doing the job.

Teacups

I feel like I'm on the teacups ride and it is at full tilt spinning faster than I can manage to hold on.

Life of late is dizzying.

Last night my spouse upset me so much that I started vomiting stomach acid.  There are times that he can be a real jerk.  Times around ovulation usually and that time is now.

I can't believe that he was jealous that I was able to receive communion yesterday and he wasn't.  Well sorry.  No, wait I'm not sorry.  I've received communion in his religion and I can't understand why the Catholic church won't let him receive communion in mine.  Whatever.

This week we'll find out where and when with any luck.  Looks like it is quite promising that J will be re-enlisting.  But we don't know if we'll be staying here or going to Ft.Stewart, Ft. Bragg, or Ft. Polk.  Your guess is as good as mine.

Saturday I went shopping for window treatments.  I never did get around to purchasing window treatments for my dining room.  I just put up my brass rod with an old set of curtains I had while in Texas.  They have seen better days and the white color blends in too much with the white walls.  If we stay here I'll put up the curtains in the kitchen.  If we move then I'll have curtains for the next place I move too.

I'm still producing green from the nasal cavities.  I do realize that the Augmentin is still going to be working its magic for about another 5 days.  Saturday was my last dosage.  However, I'd like this sinus infection from hell to go back to where it came from.

Love Me

J decided to surprise me with roses.  I'll take them.  I deserve them too. 

He also told me that if I want to get any professional beauty treatments to book them because I deserve them.  Rarely do I do something nice for myself.  Unless of course you count home coloring, home manicures, and home facials done all by me of course.

I want to cry some more.  I've had a hellacious weekend.

I've cried, cried some more and now I feel like crying again.  I almost know for certain that the beta tomorrow will prove to be negative again.  I gave up home testing days ago. 

I need for this sinus infection to go away.  Until I'm proven to be not pregnant tomorrow I can't take much above a baby asprin to treat the pain I'm having.  Certainly not a decongestant, heaven forbid I'm pregnant and am actually forming a mucus plug, as I couldn't forgive myself if I royally screwed up a potential pregnancy.

Many of you know exactly how I feel right about now.  It's the damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Oh and I tried to smile when I saw the flowers but it hurt my face too much to smile.  I'm only getting blood out of my nose now.    Who wants to join me in my misery today?  Who out there today needs some love too?

New Year's Eve

Well this year won't be much different than most years for J and I.  We won't be ringing in the new year at midnight.  Most likely we'll both be fast asleep.  Usually something interferes with our ability to celebrate since he joined the Army.  At least I have him home this year.

J has CQ duty tomorrow all day.  That means he'll be driving the now sober drunks home from jail, well its possible at least as sometimes they have to do that while on CQ duty.

Since I'm sick and J starts his own antibiotics tomorrow we'll not be drinking.  Well okay the CQ duty would again prevent him from having that NYE's drink too.

I have no resolutions for next year.  I really don't believe in making promises that I probably won't be able to keep given that there is a great unknown of 365 days in front of me.  The only thing that I can promise is that I'll try to continue to eat healthy, lose more weight next year, and find a happier me with or without children.

I'm thinking that with my health taking a sudden nose dive of late this truly will be our last cycle of IVF.  I wanted to go ahead with donor eggs this summer if the January IVF failed.  I'm not so sure that will be an option.

More and more I'm finding my chest hurts and my breathing is becoming more difficult.  Its not the weight.  I've lost 24 pounds since August which comes out to 6 pounds a month.  I still have 35 more pounds to go until my goal weight.  So I highly doubt that bit of weight is causing the chest pains and difficulty breathing.  My guess is its the sinusitis.

Today we bought groceries and I was almost breathless just unloading them.  I had to sit on the floor to get my chest to stop hurting and to catch my breath.  No pregnancy for me isn't going to be easy.  But I still want to try.  I can only imagine being pregnant with a sinus infection would put me to bed for a week.

So maybe I can make just "trying" a goal for the new year.  I will continue to try with all that I do because if I give up now I'm doomed to a life of depression and sickness.  Now back to knitting the charity blanket I'm now working on.  Slow progress but its progress nonetheless.

Smelling The Lilacs

Yes, that is right I can smell again!  YAY!

No we don't have lilacs blooming here in WA as of yet, and I'm not sure we have any nearby me when they would bloom.  I am however, smelling lilac due to the Flonase.

Yesterday I went to the clinic and was seen by a really nice Captain.  She went over me thoroughly and even noted how loud my murmur was heard by having me hold my breath.  I guess she thought it might be my breathing that was making all that noise.  But no, it is the murmur and yes I've been getting some chest pains again.  I figure that the pains are associated with the sinus congestion as the harder it is to breath the harder my heart has to pump.

I had a low grade fever, my sinus cavities are impacted too.  But not to worry too much as the nice doctor gave me Flonase, Augmentin, Mucinex DM, and Afrin.  Within 30 minutes the nasal sprays were working their magic and I could breathe again.  However, when I lie down the mucus just sits there and clogs my airway so I might have to drag out my nebulizer soon.

Last night I had to disconnect my vaporizer due to water build up.  We've been having a lot of rainstorms here and well the vaporizer is causing water vapor to collect on the wall with the window.  Two hours after I unplugged my vaporizer the water vapor disappeared.  Darn it all, the vaporizer was really helping my breathing too.

One thing to note, I'm not dead yet nor have I developed a rash from the Augmentin as of yet.  I do have a penicillin allergy and Augmentin contains amoxil in it.  But there really wasn't any other choice of drugs to give to me with so many drug allergies.  I agreed to this one as I have the least of the bad reactions to it as only my skin likes to peel off.  So far no skin is peeling off.  Yes, weird reaction but well it does happen.

I have a follow up on the 11th of January with the same doctor to make sure the infection is gone before we start on the microdose of Lupron.  Well haha, my appointment with her is after the first micro dose of the Lupron so this is going to be interesting.  But with any luck I'll respond well to the antibiotics and I'll be free and clear by the time I head fully into the main injections.

I want to take a second to say thank you to everyone that is wishing me good health. I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers.  I have faith that I'll heal before the IVF, or rather I hope I will.

Finally I Get An Appointment

At 1400 hrs today I'll finally get in to see a doctor.  Or I hope its a doctor that I'll be seeing at my clinic.  It could very well be a physicians assistant or nurse practitioner.  Our clinic doesn't have that many doctors on staff as its too costly to have them there and it would mean that we would receive the best medical care available and we can't be having that now can we.

As I'm typing this my vision is a little messed up.  Its as though the screen is farther away than it should be.  Just another wonderful symptom is my guess.

Last night the sinus headache enveloped the whole left side of my head.  I just want this looked at and some medicine thrown at it before the next IVF is in full swing.

I called my REI nurse and she assured me that if I'm put on antibiotics it won't affect the drugs I'll be taking for IVF.  I was wondering about that since antibiotics affect birth control effectiveness I figured it was sane to ask her for advise on the matter.

So with any luck I'll get something to fix the congestion, I'm no longer producing green with the use of my neti pot, now its just blood I'm so congested.  I need something for the pain in the head too.  Something stronger than tylenol though I doubt they'll give me anything stronger.  Breathing is becoming complicated.  I can eat or breathe but not both.  Taking a deep breath is painful so I'm sticking with shallower breathing for now.  My lips and fingernails have been staying a lavender color, I'm guessing its because my oxygen supply isn't the best.

Remember though, my guesses don't count as I'm not a doctor and they will know better than me.  But my guess is that the sinus congestion is now moved towards my lungs and might be giving me a touch of bronchitis. 

Wish me luck on getting the proper treatment.

Staying In My Jammies For A Day

I'm tired.  Still sick.

Yesterday I managed to make a turkey meatloaf, green bean casserole in which I made the soup base by scratch too, baked potatoes and I opened up a can of cranberry sauce.  J appreciated the effort.  I did too because it meant since I was exhausted today I was able to eat some left overs at noon for my first meal of the day.

I stayed in bed for about 14 hours today.  I'm sick.  I know I already said that I'm sick.  There I said it again.

I woke up to no color in my lips, a back ache that just about made me cry and the shakes.  It wasn't 14 hours solid of sleep.  No that would be too much to hope for.  As per usual I'm up every two hours to pee, thanks Fibromyalgia.

Still cranky.  Haven't taken a bendadryl in about 9 hours but I probably should soon.  Even my ears hurt.

I have no real energy and even this blog post is draining me.  Tomorrow with any luck Tricare will able to get me a same day appointment so I can get something to fix this sinus infection.  If not I'll have to wait until after the 3rd of January for the next available opening.

I'm staying in my jammies today and I'll take my hot bath later before I head back to bed.  For now I'm not doing anything that requires much energy as I seem to have none to spare today.

Benadryl Crankies

I'm sick.  I'm not feeling at all well.

The benadryl isn't helping much and I can't get even close to a doctor appointment of a walk-in style until Tuesday.

The clinics are closed today on post and again on Monday.

Its as though my body hates me right now.

I'd like to rip someone's head off right now if they get in my way.  I'm not going to dance around the subject.

No one likes to be sick over the holidays.  No one likes having their head hurt and have a fever.  At least I'm not infectious to anyone but myself.  Its my chronic sinusitis that is acting up.  There are only just so many months, two for me, that I can put up with a sinus infection before I go see the doctor.  I don't like going to the doctors. Yesterday I was shamed into calling one the next working day, which was today.  Yeah like that helped my mood any.

Of course there is always urgi care but I'd rather not.  So its benadryl to help with the inflammation, my neti pot to remove as much red and green goo as possible and hopefully an understanding spouse.  Of course he isn't understanding though he should be.  SO I'M REALLY CRANKY!

Checking The Costs

Just for the heck of it today I decided to start researching the cost of donor eggs.  Donor eggs would give me a bit more time to try for a child.  It wouldn't be of my genetic material but it would be still of my husband's so its not all that bad to consider.

However, after just checking out the cost for a donor egg set of 6 eggs, the cost is going to be way out of my budget.  $15,000 for 6 eggs.  Yes, it would give me that chance to become a mother and its still quite a bit cheaper than trying to adopt.  But I can't afford the cost right now. 

I could do a loan but really is that a smart thing to do?  In this economy taking out a loan to get pregnant?

I guess the only reason why I'm even looking into this Donor Egg route is because I've yet to ovulate on my own after testing now for three days.  I have all the pains but it could just be the endometriosis.  I'm afraid that my eggs are really failing me.

I read quite a few blogs today and on one in particular the gal mentioned a similar problem to what I had with my last IVF cycle.  Her follicles weren't waking up like they should.  Her doctor decided to tweak her meds and she ended up with plenty of good eggs.  She is just two years younger than me.  I wonder is it because the Army doctors are limited on the types of drugs they can use for our protocols that I'm to never have that baby or is it because my doctor isn't all that great as to live up to the expectations I had hoped he would or quite possibly my eggs are just expired.

My odds given the two eggs they retrieved out of 8 follicles, most not even close to being ripe mind you, were as expected.  I had a 50-50 chance of getting an embryo.  I got one.  Just one.  It temporarily implanted but then something went wrong. 

Now I wonder if its the clinic or my body.  Did the embryologist not chose the best sperm when he did the ICSI?  Or did my body just decide to reject the embryo because I had a sinus infection.

I want a do over.  I want a happy healthy pregnancy.  Maybe I'll get that chance come January.  Now I just need to get another 15 pounds off to make it to my next goal.  I could handle going into the next pregnancy with only being 20 pounds overweight since I know my blood pressure will be more under control with the more weight I get off.  But I can't prevent sinus infections, colds, and flues even if I get the flu shot next week.

Too many variables stay subjective.  I'd like to change all that and make it more of a controlled environment.  An ideal environment.  For now the thought of donor eggs will have to shelved.

Never A Quick Fix

Have you ever noticed that there is never a quick fix for a problem when you need one?  Everything always takes a lot longer to get done then you'd like.

The economy is going to take a long time to recover.  I don't think that all these budget cuts that they are trying to impose are the correct ones.  I don't think that we do have a quick fix to our deficit.  I really wish that we could just close our doors to the world for one day and get a reset to zero.  I can dream right?

I wish there was a better solution to my sinus infection.  I'm on my second round of antibiotics.  The first antibiotic, Levaquin, started on the 17th and taken for five days failed.  Yesterday I was at the doctor's office, I actually got to see my doctor for the first time in a year, and after taking my vitals I was noted to have a fever.  My blood pressure was great at 124/70.  But the fever showed proof that I still had the infection.  I now have a script of Cefdinir 300mg twice a day for ten days.  Its a relative of Penicillin, of which I'm allergic to so I'm hoping that I won't have any of the dangerous side effects.  So far I'm in the clear.

My marriage is working well enough.  We discussed the wall.  The chaplain and my husband agreed that there is indeed a wall and that the wall has to stay there as long as he has a chance to deploy.  The wall might always be there.  We are now exploring ways in which he can feel comfortable enough to have a middle ground with me.  I have PTSD and my spouse is experiencing PTS without the D or so the Chaplain said.  It hasn't been diagnosed by any means but it is what most soldiers experience when they re-deploy to their stateside assignments.  The culture shock, responsibilities, and roles change when they aren't in a combat zone.  The families just have to accept and encourage.

So we have to work on his socializing.  He can't be pressured into doing too much socializing but he can't be allowed to just sit there and not interact when visiting his family.  I have to encourage him.  I know him best.  But if he says that he'd rather read, watch tv, or play with the computer I'll have to accept his choice.  However, when dinner is being served he has to come to the table and socialize.

I've never been deployed but I have PTSD and I can understand the not wanting to be around crowds.  I have to force myself to socialize.  Usually I find that I can enjoy myself.  My husband will learn to do the same.  Socializing with family, other than me, is entirely different than socializing with the soldiers.  The soldiers know what my husband is going through, most of his family can only guess.  Nothing against you folks, the family that might read this, but unless you are living in the household of a soldier that was deployed you'll not fully understand no matter how much you read on the subject, it has to be experienced.

Maybe if we get that promised two years at home we'll be able to fix most of the problems that arise in our relationship.   For now we deal with situations and feelings as they crop up.  The weeds get pulled and the flowers cultivated.  Unfortunately some weeds will come back, like the dandelion with its long root system you pull and you break it off only to have it sprout back up.  Some problems run deep and will have to be explored to find the source and work from there.

Its not going to be a quick fix.  I'd love a quick fix.