30 Days

As the sun rose over Mount Rainier this morning I came to a decision.  I'm going to give myself a much needed vacation from the mundane.  For the next thirty days I'll be doing more to make myself happy.  Truly I am the only one that can make myself happy.

I decided upon starting with something quite simple.  I would start with cleaning up and out my facebook.  No more of those time wasting games.  Those are gone.  Next I'll be cleaning out my friends list.  Really am I truly friends with all those people on my friends list?  I think not.  I'd say at least thirty were just added for games I used to play.  One a day will disappear unless I can prove to myself that they are worthy of my precious time.  I'm not looking at my time as though I am above all others.  I'm looking at my free time as something precious to be enjoyed with good friends, laughter and hopefully no drama.

For the next thirty days I'm going to try to release the stress I've built up from trying to conceive.  I'll be still trying this cycle but I'll be doing less of the grunt work around the house and taking better care of me.  After all if I am to become a sacred vessel I need to make sure that vessel has no cracks.

I was almost sure I was pregnant this month up until Thursday when all the symptoms just disappeared.  This might be a bit too much information for some as I mention the symptoms.  My breasts were engorged and blue veined, I could feel the slight painfulness of my uterus stretching with the diagnosed round ligament pain which was sharp at first.  I had the dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, lower back pain and of all things I was drooling.  Yes all the signs pointed to a good implantation.  Thursday arrived and I just did too much around the house and the symptoms stopped.  Everything I had hoped for came to a hault.  Something I did made the egg disengage.  I was told that at my age this could happen and for no obvious reasons.  I guess the only hope I had out of this was that for just a little bit of time it did work and that this coming cycle, if I'm really careful, I'll get it to stick and grow.

So starting today for the next thirty days if friends get ignored, the phone goes unanswered, if I don't want to deal with others problems and drama there is a darn good reason, I'm my number one priority.  I have to take care of me and my needs.

Next week I'll be scheduling another IUI.  After the IUI I won't be lifting a finger to do housework.  My husband now has this clear in his head that I have to follow the doctor's orders and be treated like I'm pregnant.  I will be a high risk pregnancy being that I'm forty-one years of age and have high blood pressure.  I can't be doing all the stuff that I could have at twenty-one or even thirty-one.  I have two chance, two cycles to get this right.  I want to get it right.

So to my friends and family, if you are reading this have some compassion. Be there for me without question, help me out when you can because you know I would do the same for you and for many I have done the same.  I'm not asking you to do my housework, I have a respite care worker that could help with those things.  What I am asking for is time.  Treat me like the sick friend that you don't want to startle or upset because it could make the condition worse.  I think I'm worth thirty days, don't you?

Doing The Girl Thing; Shopping and Facials

Okay so some days I like being a girl and all it means.  There are days that I long to be with my gal pals to shop and get facials.  But even better is dragging the manflesh along when I go shopping.

This past weekend I went shopping at the outlet stores in Centralia, WA.  Wonderful bargains were to be had thanks to our Presidents and their special holiday weekend. 

Folks I was able to purchase the Coach bag and Coach wristlet together for only $149.  Considering the handbag alone went for $398 originally I'd say I got a darn good bargin.  Take a look at the prices online at the Coach.  I love to shop when there are sales going.  I don't like to shop during the holidays.

Not to worry male viewers my husband enjoyed the shopping expedition as much as I did if not more.  My purchases at the two kitchen shops assured him that he would be eating various new and exciting foods for some time to come.  Plus I'd say the pair of Tony Lama cowboy boots he bought himself added to his shopping pleasure.

Six hours of shopping and about $500 later we finally headed out to Taco Bell for some lunch.  J loves his Taco Bell and I can usually find something on the menu that I'm not allergic to as well.

Now to the facial aspect of this post.  I don't get the chance to indulge in spa facials and facials at home are also rare due to my lack of time with all the repairs being done on this military house.  Just today I had to have Equity back in here again to take a look at the window they had installed on Tuesday. The window is icing up inside the room.  D, an Equity repairman, just told me after speaking with K, his supervisor, that there is nothing that can be done about the condensation.  D tried to blame it on my spouse and I breathing in a closed up room over night.  First off we sleep with the bedroom door open.   Second my spouse sleeps only about 5 to 6 hours a night and I am up a lot during the night due to my fibromyalgia.  How could we possibly be the culprits of so much moisture on that particular window I ask yet again?  I swear I was arguing with someone who didn't realize that I did indeed understand the science behind condensation.   I need a bit of time to myself to relax so I have a honey mask on my face and I'm trying to forget about that window for a few minutes.   I love my little house on this military installation, I just don't like how the repairs are being handled.

I want to be extra girly today.  It is the beginning of the weekend after all.  I want to enjoy my time with the manflesh.  I don't want to look all cranky-faced from having to deal with inept repairmen.  Maybe I'll even paint my nails.

Impressions

"A good opinion once lost is lost forever" Jane Austen.  I interrupt that opinion to be an impression.  Impressions can last a lifetime.  What we say, what we do, what we wear and how we present ourselves with body language encompass what becomes the first impression that others draw from us.  How do you want others to see you?

Of late I swear I must be doing something wrong.  I get the impression that I'm on the product recall list and folks around me aren't sure how to treat me with my limitations.  Okay so I shouldn't be doing housework but I've learned that if I don't do it, like the laundry, it will just become a mountain.  So today I'm breaking down and doing laundry.  J was helping on that but of late he has decided computer gaming is more fun than housework.  I can agree there but um, I don't like to run about naked in the cold weather because I have no clean clothing.  I'm back to doing all the cooking again too.  So much for me being treated like I'm already pregnant.  If I want to eat I have to cook.

I get the impression that I'm okay to be lied to.  Bit of a touchy subject there.  I just don't like it when people lie to me.  I'm an adult and I wonder if they look at me like I'm a child that has to be lied to because of my health conditions.  Really I'd rather a person just hold their tongue than give me a lie.  I can tell when a person is lying.  I notice the body language right off.  If I'm being lied to over the phone I can also hear it quite clearly in the person's voice.I always figure out the lie and will bring you to the mats for lying to me too.  Its not a pretty sight.  If you know I'm going to have an adverse reaction to your lies then why do you tell them to me?  Seriously do you like to see me get angry and have my already high blood pressure elevate even further?

If someone wants to make a good impression on me they will put their real self forward.  I don't go for all the smoke and mirrors.  I want the real you.  A better and stronger friendship is created when a person is honest, it shows that they can be trusted.  If all you want to show me is that you want to suck up to me than we aren't going to have much of a friendship.  I won't be calling on you to be there at my parties, nor will you be invited to dinner or even to tea.

Sounds a bit harsh but truly would you want a friend that lies to you?  Would you want to be friends with someone that only wants your friendship just to get ahead in life?  If you receive my attentions and food gifts its because I find you worthy and value our friendship.

Fear Of The Unknown

Fear of the unknown is ever present in my life and in the lives of my friends and family.  Feed a fear and go into a panic.  Starve a fear and overcome it.  Well that is something I say at least but I'm not always sure it is true nor am I sure it always works and for all situations.

Just today a friend of mine who is in her twenty-seventh week of pregnancy started bleeding.  I fear that she will have a preterm baby like the last one.   Can I do anything to prevent it?  No.  The only thing that I can do is make myself available to her via phone and web to help her cope with the stress levels.

I have a fear that yet again I won't be pregnant.  I have only two cycles left in which to conceive and then I'm done.  Yes I'll be done.  At forty-one years of age the military doctors don't like to have a woman keep trying to conceive.  If I was thirty-one things would be a bit different.  If I feed this fear that I'll never get pregnant I'll become depressed.  If I starve this fear I might do something foolish and risky that might accidentally terminate a pregnancy if indeed I am pregnant.  No exercising, no heavy lifting either with the round ligament pain I have right now.  I have to be cautious and its driving me nuts.  Sunday I should be able to test at home.  If its negative yet again I have to wait even longer before I can go get the blood work so I can start my next round of clomiphene citrate.

My spouse is going through his own fears of the unknown.  He has a lot of choices he has to make with only about two years of active duty left on this contract.  Does he stay in and pursue the career he always wanted as an officer, warrant or go the NCO route?  Does he get out and try to find a job in the economy?  Jobs are scarce and he told me just last night he doesn't want to get out.  He has his OCS packet all ready to go but others are telling him to hold off on submitting it until he makes one more rank.  Do they realize that would mean he'd have to start from scratch again on this packet?  It has taken him the better part of a year to get this packet ready since he started it when he was deployed to Iraq.  While references were easy enough to gather together the physical wasn't that easy to get with his busy schedule.  Last time he tried to get the physical he had to wait on chopper flights to the nearest MTF (military treatment facility) in Iraq.

I'm guessing his fear is of rejection.  He would make a great leader.   But if he continues to second guess what those around him are thinking about him he'll never try to excel.  Would you keep trying to better yourself if you felt as though the folks you work with have no confidence in your abilities?  They haven't told him they have no confidence and most likely he is just fearful of the unknown and looking for that reason to lose hope.  We've all been in those situations before.  Just like when a guy proposes to a girl the fear of rejection is there even if he believes its a sure thing he doesn't know what her answer will be but just has to hope.  However if the workplace situation isn't conducive to mental growth a person will not feel as though they are worthy enough to apply their skills and succeed.  Just as if a child were brought up in an abusive family that child would feel worthless and continue to harbor those feelings of self loathing through adulthood until assured differently that they are indeed worthy. 

The Army has changed greatly since when my dad was a soldier.  Back in his day, the 1960's, a guy could easily elevate himself through the ranks.  One day he'd be a sergeant and get into a fight lose his rank but within a month he'd have his rank back again.  Usually a soldier back then would make sergeant in under three years in the service but not now.  Now they have the points system.  Now a soldier who has the capabilities to excel is held back because he or she doesn't have enough points to warrant that extra stripe or brass marker.  What happened to be being judged as worthy? 

With two wars going on simultaneously one would think that attaining rank would be that much easier, but its not.  Now many soldiers are leaving the service after just four years and they are leaving as specialist.  Sure they leave with the GI bill for college but they didn't have the time that the recruiters assured them they would have to take classes while in the Army.  Benefits have been cut so deeply for the soldiers that not only are they receiving less money for housing, they don't get the computers for college they were promised, and now the MWR (morale welfare recreation) programs are on the chopping block too.  The MWR is what runs our commissary (grocery store) and exchange along with the wonderful discounted trip programs.  Why should our soldiers of all ranks care about helping the other guy get ahead and assuage his fears when they are feeling the economic pinch?  Not all NCO's (non commissioned officers ) are out for themselves but quite a few of them are from what I've seen.  "So lets feed the fears of the junior enlisted and make sure they stay where they are" is what I get from this system that is straight out of the feudal period.  Oh haven't you noticed that its quite close to the feudal system?  Right down to what the people are allowed to wear, eat and where they are housed.  Yes its a broken system but I don't see where it can be fixed. 

Sorry about the rant.  Back to where I was before it now.

Its just too easy for me to tell my friend to relax and for me to tell my husband to just go ahead and submit the paperwork for OCS (officer candidate school).  I'm not in their situations.  I'm not the one facing their fears.  I have enough fears of my own, self-inflicted fears, to face.  I made my own decisions in life that got me thus far and had to face my own share of fears.  All I can do is just be there for my friends and family with open arms and an open mind.  I just hope they do the same for me when I have to face my own fears.

Waiting With Hope

So much is going on in my life that I don't know where to begin.  I want to complain, I want to rant, I want to go back to sleep.  I want to be the jellyfish in the picture all pretty and just drifting through my glass cage at the zoo with many admirers.

This morning is going to be one of construction, I hope.  I want my bedroom window put into place and finished.  After very little sleep the furniture has been moved out of the way so that the construction workers can finish the job. 

Much as I wanted to do an environmental post this weekend it never happened.  We just had to get away from the house.  I didn't get to do my research this week and had to share my computer.  J's, computer is still being repaired.  Its been gone for a month now and he wants it back as much as I want him to have it back.  I detest feeling like I need to shorten my computer time just so that he can play his games on the computer.  Yes, after sharing it for a month I told him how I feel about having to share.  I don't like someone else installing programs on my computer.  With J using my computer after work we don't get the chance for conversation at night after work since my computer is a desktop and it resides in the home office.  Okay so that is me venting.

I'm in pain today.  I have on my leather orthopedic boot, known as the Colorado boot and if its gets worse I'll have to put on my Air Walker or as I like to call it my Storm Trooper boot.  I also have on my right carpal tunnel brace.  Now if only I could get a brace for the Round Ligament Pain which is due to an ovarian cyst.

No signs of pregnancy yet which is grating on my nerves.  I only have signs of PMS.  This morning in my email I got a notice from an online menstrual cycle tracking site letting me know of my impending new cycle.  Gee thanks just what I needed, another slap in the face!

Am I done with the woe is me attitude today?  No clue.  I should be worrying about other matters in the news like the earthquake.  I shouldn't be thinking so me orientated but like most bipedal beings I'm inclined to think about the number one each day.  So forgive this selfish hormonal female for being annoying today.  Like most moods this will change once I've eaten and seen installed my new bedroom window.

So for now I go back to waiting for signs of pregnancy and some glimmer of hope.  I wait for the construction workers to show up.  I wait for the pain to subside.  I wait for the foul mood to pass and the sun to rise.  I do still have hope for today.  Now to go forage for sustenance to fill the void in my burning pit I like to call my stomach.

Nothing On My Mind, Thank You Fibro Fog

Today is just a boring day.  I went shopping for clothes, ended up buying a new pair jeans.  I tried on a pair of cute shoes but the toe box was too tight.  No handbag in the store was to my liking and I desperately need a new one.

After clothes shopping I went grocery shopping.  I saved $17.00 USD in coupons at the commissary.  Not really all that bad.  Brought my grocery bill down to $78.00 plus a bit in change.

I'm not sure if its the weather or the round ligament and ovarian cyst pain but moving around just hurts.  I know that Fibromyalgia, of which I have, can be worse during cold, damp weather.  Whatever the problem is I'm tired and feel like taking a nap.  However, with Fibromyalgia, I'm not supposed to be napping as I might not sleep well later tonight when I should be sleeping.  Really I'm not quite sure what sleep is any more.  For the past twenty years I haven't had one solid night's sleep.  For those of you that have no clue what Fibromyalgia feels like I'll give you a hint, it feels like you have the flu 24/7 for years on end with only a few days occasionally of half way normal days.

I want to be left alone but yet I want company.  I want to go outside and do whatever most couples do when they have time off together.  I have to pick and chose what I can do each day.  A few of my friends also have this rotten condition and they do understand how it feels.  I'm really sorry that they have it as it does put a damper on life.

So with all said above my brain is once again blanking out.  I've forgotten what I really wanted to post about today.  Sorry it turned into a complaint but that is how it goes with Fibromyalgia.  Now where did I leave my book again?  I bet I'll find it some place weird.  Once I even found it in the fridge!

For more information on Fibromyalgia click on any of the links below:

The Oregon Fibromyalgia Foundation

Fibromyalgia Information

National Fibromyalgia Association

Nice Weather Means Construction

Every spring warm weather means construction time.  It doesn't matter where I live in the world, even if its warm in winter, when spring rolls around the construction begins.

Right now my nice, lush, green lawn is discolored with blue, red, white, and green spray paint lines.  This seems to be the norm for my neighborhood as I look up and down the street on my walk to get the mail and find I'm not the only one soon to have trenches in their yard.

Needless to say my husband is rather upset that the lawn he worked so hard on is going to be destroyed.  We've been told that they will restore the lawn after they tear it apart.  I have my doubts as to how good of a job they will do in its reconstruction.

This morning a man in a hard hat was walking up and down my street with white sheets of paper sticking them in every door on the street.  Oh dear, this just can't be good is what I thought.  Its not good.  This is going to be a long process.  I now know the window of destruction.  Starting this Monday, a holiday mind you, February 21st through June 30th our street is going to be crowded with earth moving equipment, loud noises and more often then not rude construction workers.  I realize they have a job to do but I don't like it when they block driveways and make it quite difficult to navigate the narrow road.

In this four months of construction work we are to also have power outages they stated on the paper.

POWER OUTAGES ASSOCIATED WITH THIS WORK WILL BE SCHEDULED AT A LATER DATE AND TENNANTS WILL RECEIVE SEVERAL NOTICES OF PENDING OUTAGES TO INCLUDE TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE AND UP TO THE DAY BEFORE.  OUTAGES WILL BE KEPT TO A MAXIMUM OF 4 HOURS AT A TIME. 

Note the typo of "tennants" that should be tenants.  I highly doubt they'll keep it to just 4 hours without power as we've gone 16 hours before in cold weather.  This is not going to be my cup of fun. 

Yoga, Tai Chi, and Zen breathing will hopefully get me through the stress of living yet again in a construction zone.  In NY I lived in a construction zone for two years.  I thought I did my time in Hell, I guess not.