Starting Over The Hard Way

Today I got my wicked red witch of a visitor.  Oh I knew it was coming.  But before we get into that I'll tell you what I am doing to prepare for the WTF appointment later this month.

I guess you could say I'm carb loading.  Not that I want to but really it seems as though I have no choice.  If I want to get the proper testing done I need to be prepared.  I know I must have a sensitivity to gluten, wheat, bran and oats.  Whenever I eat the stuff I end up in the bathroom and its not pleasant.  However because I've been eliminating it from my diet over the past 6 months, thus just one more reason why I've lowered my blood pressure and lost the weight, I won't show positive at all for the Celiac Disease if I did have it.  No in order to show positive or have proper testing I have to be eating the stuff that makes me sick for at least 10-14 days.  I guess its a good thing that I researched it a bit, looked through my old medical papers. and asked my mom about the family medical history.  I have just enough time before the appointment to get the crap back into my system. But I'll have to tell them that I was abstaining from it for half the year as that might still mess with the results a bit.

Today I'm baking bread.  If there is just one way that I can still control some of the sodium I ingest daily its through my own efforts.  Right now the dough is rising in the kitchen.  I had to turn the heat up in the house from 62 to 67 and turn the oven on two hours early to warm the kitchen enough to get the yeast to work.  I'm going to hate the Minol bill when it comes in.

Back to why my own bread.  If you've ever taken the time to read packages you'll notice that most breads are 120 mg of sodium to about 200 mg of sodium per slice.  Since I'm on a sodium restricted diet of 1000 mg a day I have to cut corners.  My bread recipe uses 1 1/2 tsp of salt in it for the two loaves.  I use Celtic Sea Salt which is about 550 mg per teaspoon.  Math time 775 mg for the 1 1/2 tsp. divide that by two loaves 387.5 mg per loaf.  I get about 10 slices out of each loaf  so that is about 38.75 mg per slice.  No other ingredients in this recipe have sodium in them.  So I could say pig out and eat a whole loaf of bread and not worry about my sodium content.  Note that I also use unsalted butter when I eat the bread or other low sodium and no sodium spreads. 

Oh I know I'm going to be hurting.  Gross factor here:  by the end of the day I'll be wishing for loperimide and a large tube of preparation-H. 

No choice it has to be done.

Now for CD 1.  Its here.  It hurts.  I tried to call the RE nurse to let her know about it but I only got the voice mail with her promising to get back to me asap.  Its been over 2 hours.  I may or may not hear from her later today.

Yesterday I went to see my PCM.  I wrote about that a bit.  I was put back on my nebulizer and the flovent to go with my flonase and emergency inhaler.  I guess he heard something and wasn't pleased.  Well he wouldn't be very pleased with me right now if he knew I went off it all and ditched my vitamins too.  I'm only staying on the high blood pressure medicine right now.  All the rest of my medicines could affect the upcoming tests I'm going to demand to have done.  Steroids are notorious for messing with results.  I have three prescribed to me right now.  I'm noot going to take them until the tests are done and the results in hand.  I need to know why my body is rejecting or killing off the embryos.

I just hope that the Army medical staff takes me seriously.  They should, I have enough wrong with me that I should be seeing several specialists monthly and my PCM monthly too according to my EFMP forms.

Household Chores

Its Monday again.  How can I tell?  Well the mountains of laundry in my utility room confirm the day is truly here again.  Sorry but I need to vent a bit today.

My husband is still training, after 6 years of marriage, on household duties.  He actually did two loads of his own laundry yesterday.   I have one load of my personal stuff of which I mixed with the three loads I still have to do of the household laundry.

Oh I still have all of my husband's socks to wash.  That he didn't do yesterday because they are whites and well he figured I would do them for him.  Hmmm...he could have volunteered to just do the whole load of whites for me right?  Wrong.

After 6 years we are still working on who has to do what for household tasks.  I think we will never quite agree on the chores.

He believes its a man's job to empty the trash.  For the past two weeks I've been emptying the trash and taking it to the road.  So does this make me a man?  Need I remind him that I was quite capable of doing it for the year he was deployed and I didn't have to grow a set of testicles to do that job.

I refuse to believe that all the housework should fall upon the shoulders of just one person.  I don't think like my parents or even his parents.  I don't fall prey to J's tactics that if he screws up the task I'll not ask him to do it again.  His father told me yesterday that he does just that so that J's mom will take it over for him.  Not me, I just make J re-do the task until he gets it right.  We learn from our mistakes.

Late last night J told me he has CQ duty on 1 January.  He thought he told me two weeks ago.  Two weeks ago I had told him that if he has any CQ duty coming up he needs to put it on the calendars.  We do have one for next year and its right next to the present one, J even put it right there himself.   I walk into the kitchen with him following me and he said I was right that he didn't put it on the calendar and probably did forget to tell me.  The reason why the CQ duty even came up was that I reminded him that there would be no holiday drinking this year because he has to start the antibiotics on the 1st of January.  He said, "I guess I'll be taking them to CQ with me then.".  That is how I found out.

So I'm practicing my mindfulness of late.  I'm not breaking things or going mad.  I diffuse my own anger and take control of my emotions.  But I still can't lower my blood pressure enough.  This weekend I had a wicked headache and my blood pressure went up to 146 on top.  Good thing my Circle + Bloom set arrived on Saturday.  I think I'll take some time to meditate and listen to it today.  I need to relieve some stress before this next IVF hits the shot part.

Cuss Jar

This post is mainly for the friends and family that I see quite frequently as it pertains mostly to you.

As of 1000hrs my blood pressure this morning was already 139 on top.  Mind you I'm on 200mg 2 times a day of Labetalol which is 400 mg a day.  My blood pressure shouldn't be rising up this quickly this early in the morning.  That is it shouldn't be this high at all unless someone is pushing my buttons.

Nothing pushes my buttons more quickly then unnecessary cussing.  I can understand that if you are in extreme pain you are allowed to cuss but still even when I had my finger slammed in the hinges on a ladder by a co-worker once I only muttered, "finger, finger, finger!".

Really is there a need to cuss so frequently?  I think not.  So as of today there is now a large pickle jar in my house for cussing.  You will learn to watch your language around me so that I don't get my blood pressure up.

If I have to watch my anger level and "let things go" when they are troubling me it means that you should too.  Life is short and I'd rather not have a stroke or heart attack while trying to conceive.

So far this morning my husband had balled up a single one dollar bill for his first cuss of the day.  Army guys tend to swear often, quite loudly, and without thought to others feelings. I plan on using the cuss jar money for household purchases.  A reward for learning a lesson if you will.

Would you cuss at a priest, nun, or superior?  I think not.  Do I deserve to hear you curse words?  If you feel the need to curse then leave my presence, go far from me, take a walk and cool down a bit then come back when you learn some manners.  I deserve to be treated with respect too.

Remember I'm wanting peace so that I can create a life here.  IVF isn't cheap and cursing just makes you look and sound cheap.

Gaining But Losing

Some thing is up and its not my weight.  My blood pressure has been remaining steady so its not that either.  This two week wait is going to drive me insane.

To take up those odd ball moments of free time while I wait I've started knitting again.  Not a baby blanket but it is a blanket.  I just felt like knitting before the egg retrieval and I've continued since.  I think I have enough stitches across so that it will cover a twin bed or maybe not but I'll find out when I end it off and before I add the crocheted edging.

Now to the weight issue.  I'm still losing or I was until yesterday's sodium splurge where I ate those precious last 2 TBSP of liver pate' I'll ever eat again for hopefully about a year, plus the Bavarian pretzel, and we ate out for dinner where I had some chicken and fries while shopping.  Yeah way too much sodium so I bloated up 0.4 pounds again.  No big deal.  I only have to drink plenty of water today and tomorrow and I'll have it back off.  But I noticed that yesterday morning I was  swelling up. 

Yes I said swelling up.  But why am I swelling up this soon?  Even though my digital scale says that I've been dropping weight this week I'm still finding that my clothes are getting snug, my watch is digging in and so are my rings.  My socks that were loose in the cuff are now digging in.   This is not good.  Even if I do turn out to be pregnant I shouldn't be swelling up this fast.  I really don't want toxemia.  I don't think my Army doctors are going to like my ballooning this quick either.

As for the abdomen swelling, either I'm getting ready for AF to start her visit or I am pregnant.  I have an odd tightness in my pelvic region that is bulged a bit.  So if its not a baby in there I'm really hoping I'm not growing a tumor.  We won't even discuss the breast tissue tenderness.

If I'm told to cut back on my sodium more I'm not sure what I'll be allowed to eat.  Already I cut back most days to 1000 mg a day.

Does anyone have any advice? 

Accepting The Side Effects

I'm cranky right now.  Oh, yes its the PIO shot causing the mood.  But its not just because of the injection its because I finally read through the list of side effects.  No, not the side effect to me but to the unborn child.

What I want to know is why didn't my doctor tell me that the baby could be harmed?

The following information is copied directly from the information booklet of my Progesterone box.

WARNINGS:
     The use of progestational drugs during the first four months of pregnancy is not recommended.  Progestational agents have been used beginning with the first trimester of pregnancy in attempts to prevent abortion but there is no evidence that such use is effective.  Furthermore, the use of progestational agents, with their uterine-relaxant properties, in patients with fertilized defective ova may cause a delay in spontaneous abortion. 
     Several reports suggest an association between intrauterine exposure to progestational drugs in the first trimester of pregnancy and genital abnormalities in male and female fetuses.  (it goes on here to describe the abnormalities and lets just say that I wouldn't wish it up on my kid)  There are insufficient data to quantify the risk to exposed female fetuses, but insofar as some of these- drugs induce mild virilzation of the external genitalia of the female fetus, and because of the increased association of the hypospadia in the male fetus, it is prudent to avoid the use of these drugs during the first trimester of pregnancy. 

Then we get into the carcinogenic, and impairment of fertility part.
Long-term intramuscular administration of Medroxy-progesterone acetate (MPA) has been shown to produce mammary tumors in beagle dogs.  (should I be thankful I'm not a dog?)

Okay so the impairment of fertility isn't so bad since its temporary according to this and should stop when treatment is stopped.  Any one remember the depo shot?  A fellow blogger, Bleeding Tulip today just reported that it seems to be the cause of her infertility.  So I am a bit worried since it is basically the same stuff being an MPA.

I'm okay with it causing a rise in my already high blood pressure. I was warned that all my infertility treatments were going to do just that.  My cardiologist understood and opted to increase my dosage of my labetalol by doubling the amount I used to take.  I now take 200mg 2 times a day.

So I just have to be concerned with cancer in my boobs, and a few other things.  Like what you ask?  Let me tell you what else.

Cerebral thrombosis and embolism, neuro-ocular lesions, e.g. retinal thrombosis and optic neuritis.  Hey wait a minute I'm predispostioned to getting optic neuritis with my dad having it in both eyes.  I guess its a good thing that I already have Optic Disc Drusen, so does this mean I'll get both?  Probably not.

This is just a blog posting about me accepting all the side effects of the current medication to keep this baby in me.  I just hope that it doesn't screw the kid up and its born healthy.  I just hope that it is still in there attaching itself to my uterine lining.  Symptoms point to yes as the pain is now only located in the uterus and no longer in the ovaries.  Its only small twinges too.  I'm wondering though why they even prescribed it if they knew it could do this to a fetus.  Maybe its because I had the eggs retrieved and there is no corpus luteum to help keep the baby hostage errr...I mean keep it in my womb until its fully cooked.  Wait that doesn't sound much better either. 

Relaxing

Photo by me of me taken today.  I'm relaxing today.  Well trying to at the least.  Today was a marriage counseling session.  J and I are working on building a better us and trying to decrease the stress he brings home with him. 

Yes, he's been getting on my nerves and raising my blood pressure.  Its not healthy for me to have it that high.  Our counselor has now suggested a better way for J to deal with his work stress so that he doesn't bring home as much of it.  He told him to take up to 20 minutes when he gets home and just putter about the garage or in another room and leave me be. 

I can't handle his stress.  I've told him that there is nothing that I can do for him to fix any issue he might have with his job.  That is a solid fact.  I'm not a soldier I'm just a soldier's wife.  I can cook, clean, help raise a family but I cannot and will not tell him how to do his job.

So this afternoon we went to the pharmacy and picked up my script for the double strength blood pressure medicine Labetalol.  I now take 400 mg a day of it.  Three years ago I took just 100 mg once a day.  There is only so much Zen breathing, Yoga and a low sodium diet can do when there is so much stress in my life.  Going through an IVF cycle is very stressful!

Still a photo of me taken by me today.  I'm wearing one of the gifts that J gave me for our anniversary.  Its a very interesting pendant which is handcrafted.  Its a drusi stone in the center with mother of pearl discs on the two sides and two silver leaves, one above and one below.  I loved this pendant the moment I saw it and I had to have it.  Lila Drake in Port Townsend is just the jewelry store I need when I want to find that unique piece at a great price.

Oh the sweater is new too.  Since I've lost so much weight I deserved the sweater from the clearance rack at the Eddie Bauer outlet.  I went shopping there last weekend with J and my bestie S.  We are planning on going back there again soon.  Who knows maybe this long weekend.

I'm starting to learn that shopping can be a great stress reliever as long as the stores aren't that crowded and you are with good friends.  I've never been one to like to shop but I think I might be changing my mind about that particular contact sport.

High Risk Demands

As you can see by the photo I'm cranky today.  Its not just because of the pain I'm in.  Its not just because I started bleeding last night and I shouldn't be as of yet.  Its because someone just decided part of my life isn't that important to warrant the writing of a letter.

I had my appointment this morning with Maternal Fetal Medicine to evaluate my risk during pregnancy if the IVF results in a pregnancy.

I ran into a few snags.  First in March of 2009 I went to ER because I felt really odd.  Turned out that I had had a heart attack but they couldn't determine exactly when.  They gave me all the necessary treatments I would need but oh wait they lost the documentation on it.  GRRRR!!!  Thankfully my spouse was my witness and can testify to the fact that they stated I did have one.  It does help when I have to go appointments like I did today where they don't believe me.  Thanks Madigan for losing those records!

Yes, I do have the back ups from testing to show episodes of tachycardia from the holter monitor.  Most strenuous thing I did while wearing it was vacuum.  That shouldn't have made it go that high either.

Okay back to my major complaint.  I'm high risk with or without the heart condition.  That much was determined this morning by Dr. M.  However,  Dr. M. is refusing to write a letter stating as such that I will be high risk if the IVF cycle proves fruitful.  He said its not within his power to write such a letter.  My husband said, "actually it is.".  Dr. M. didn't like being caught on that one.  J's commander has asked for medical evidence to back up this issue that might arise.  The commander only wants a letter stating what the risk could be.  Its not that much to ask for.  But again I got refused.

Yes yet another doctor stated he wouldn't write it.  As a matter of fact he didn't care.  He stated that I would have to call the American Red Cross if I got pregnant and was put on bed rest.  Well if J deploys I still need letters from my doctors as to what is to be expected for that Family Care Plan in the event of such an emergency.

I hate getting the brush off.  Its not like I'm asking to keep him home if I'm not going to be pregnant.  I am just asking for a bloody paper stating what the risks are.  Is that too much?  I think not.

With the high blood pressure I have before pregnancy I was told today that I have a 50-50 chance of developing preclampsia, eclampsia, abrupto placenta, placenta previa.  Add in the cardiac issues and the doctor is telling me that basically I need to rethink the idea of even conceiving if indeed I do have those issues as it would be too much strain on my body. He's a guy, he can have kids.  If he were a she and wanted to have children but was infertile I think the doctor would then understand that I am indeed willing to die for it.

He then ends the discussion by telling J and I that we need to go back to REI and tell them that they can write the letter.  I tell Dr. M., again, that they were the ones that sent me to him to begin with because they said they couldn't write the letter.

So now I'll call REI and tell them what he said and start this mess all over again.

I'm so glad tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.  We need a day out of town.

****Update.  Just spoke with REI.  They said, "Its the Army, we can't help you." in response to my request for the letter.  If it was a definite thing that I was already pregnant they could possibly do something for me if they determined I was high risk.  But since its preliminary they can't help us.  However, they are deciding if they want to cancel my IVF cycle now that they realize that I have a cardiac factor.  Great, I try to help out and I get things more screwed up.  I have to learn to just keep my mouth shut.

30 Days

As the sun rose over Mount Rainier this morning I came to a decision.  I'm going to give myself a much needed vacation from the mundane.  For the next thirty days I'll be doing more to make myself happy.  Truly I am the only one that can make myself happy.

I decided upon starting with something quite simple.  I would start with cleaning up and out my facebook.  No more of those time wasting games.  Those are gone.  Next I'll be cleaning out my friends list.  Really am I truly friends with all those people on my friends list?  I think not.  I'd say at least thirty were just added for games I used to play.  One a day will disappear unless I can prove to myself that they are worthy of my precious time.  I'm not looking at my time as though I am above all others.  I'm looking at my free time as something precious to be enjoyed with good friends, laughter and hopefully no drama.

For the next thirty days I'm going to try to release the stress I've built up from trying to conceive.  I'll be still trying this cycle but I'll be doing less of the grunt work around the house and taking better care of me.  After all if I am to become a sacred vessel I need to make sure that vessel has no cracks.

I was almost sure I was pregnant this month up until Thursday when all the symptoms just disappeared.  This might be a bit too much information for some as I mention the symptoms.  My breasts were engorged and blue veined, I could feel the slight painfulness of my uterus stretching with the diagnosed round ligament pain which was sharp at first.  I had the dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, lower back pain and of all things I was drooling.  Yes all the signs pointed to a good implantation.  Thursday arrived and I just did too much around the house and the symptoms stopped.  Everything I had hoped for came to a hault.  Something I did made the egg disengage.  I was told that at my age this could happen and for no obvious reasons.  I guess the only hope I had out of this was that for just a little bit of time it did work and that this coming cycle, if I'm really careful, I'll get it to stick and grow.

So starting today for the next thirty days if friends get ignored, the phone goes unanswered, if I don't want to deal with others problems and drama there is a darn good reason, I'm my number one priority.  I have to take care of me and my needs.

Next week I'll be scheduling another IUI.  After the IUI I won't be lifting a finger to do housework.  My husband now has this clear in his head that I have to follow the doctor's orders and be treated like I'm pregnant.  I will be a high risk pregnancy being that I'm forty-one years of age and have high blood pressure.  I can't be doing all the stuff that I could have at twenty-one or even thirty-one.  I have two chance, two cycles to get this right.  I want to get it right.

So to my friends and family, if you are reading this have some compassion. Be there for me without question, help me out when you can because you know I would do the same for you and for many I have done the same.  I'm not asking you to do my housework, I have a respite care worker that could help with those things.  What I am asking for is time.  Treat me like the sick friend that you don't want to startle or upset because it could make the condition worse.  I think I'm worth thirty days, don't you?

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia

Well I'm exhausted.  I think the only reason I'm now getting out of bed is to write the daily blog.  Unfortunately my viewings have gone down to just one daily for the past two days.  Maybe I should just throw in the towel on my blog too and stay in bed.  No self pity here is there?

I've been dealing with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia for about fifteen years now, or at least I was diagnosed fifteen years ago.  I want it all to just go away.  Yes, I realize there is no cure, there are only prescriptions that rarely work for me.  Right now with also trying to conceive a child I can't take the fibromyalgia medicines.

Being a research junkie, when I'm alert enough, I've been researching Fibromyalgia and Pregnancy.  I've read some testimonials of women who have the disease and how they've survived their pregnancy.  Its not going to be easy but I just keep telling myself that the reward of having a child will be worth all the discomfort I'll have to go through for forty weeks.  Its not like I can just read about a normal pregnancy on whattoexpect.com and say okay I can do this or this or that and I'll be just fine. 

What I needed before trying to conceive was a good network of doctors of which I obviously do not have.  Tricare does what it can but it is so overloaded now with special needs children, wounded warriors, and veterans that getting to see a specialist is extremely hard.  I've been at this particular installation for two years.  I've had my EFMP assessment and been told that I need to see specialists but when I broach the subject with my PA or PCM I get told that I don't need to see them.  Okay so how am I to get better?  I realize there is no getting better but there is a way to help lesson a few of the symptoms.  Hey doc how about prescribing me physical therapy, massage and acupuncture since I'm not able to take the drugs you'd like to prescribe to me?

I've also been researching the effects of hypertension on pregnancy.  I'll be going into a pregnancy with high blood pressure.  I take my medicine two times a day but my blood pressure is still hovering around the 140/86 mark.  I'll probably end up on bed rest at some point in the pregnancy, if I can get pregnant at all with high blood pressure.  I'll be high risk for Preeclampsia or so I've been warned by the OB/GYN.  I've been gathering up projects that I can do in bed to keep my mind occupied when I'm actually awake.  I'm prepared mentally now if only my body would agree.

I'm rather disappointed in myself today.  I caved-in this morning and took a home pregnancy test.  I'm supposed to wait until Thursday and get tested at Madigan Army Community Hospital.  I also didn't use the first morning urine.  I'm barely awake when I shuffle off to the bathroom every few hours.  Oh yes having fibromyalgia means I pee a lot more than most folks even when I cut back on my water.  So the test showed negative.  I've been thinking its just PMS symptoms.  Clomid makes my PMS worse.

I informed my husband of my failure to produce a child yet again.  Sure there is still hope that I might indeed be pregnant but its slim.  If my blood pressure stays high its not going to happen.  My high blood pressure is not weight related as I weighed more in my twenties than I do now and I found old records showing my blood pressure was 101/58 when I was 29!  I hit mid thirties and my blood pressure decided to follow my genetics and go high.  I miss the days of being able to eat anything salty I wanted.  But now I can't eat salty foods.  Now I have to show my body more respect so that I can grow a child.  Maybe next cycle I'll be able to conceive the much wanted and already loved child.