30 Days

As the sun rose over Mount Rainier this morning I came to a decision.  I'm going to give myself a much needed vacation from the mundane.  For the next thirty days I'll be doing more to make myself happy.  Truly I am the only one that can make myself happy.

I decided upon starting with something quite simple.  I would start with cleaning up and out my facebook.  No more of those time wasting games.  Those are gone.  Next I'll be cleaning out my friends list.  Really am I truly friends with all those people on my friends list?  I think not.  I'd say at least thirty were just added for games I used to play.  One a day will disappear unless I can prove to myself that they are worthy of my precious time.  I'm not looking at my time as though I am above all others.  I'm looking at my free time as something precious to be enjoyed with good friends, laughter and hopefully no drama.

For the next thirty days I'm going to try to release the stress I've built up from trying to conceive.  I'll be still trying this cycle but I'll be doing less of the grunt work around the house and taking better care of me.  After all if I am to become a sacred vessel I need to make sure that vessel has no cracks.

I was almost sure I was pregnant this month up until Thursday when all the symptoms just disappeared.  This might be a bit too much information for some as I mention the symptoms.  My breasts were engorged and blue veined, I could feel the slight painfulness of my uterus stretching with the diagnosed round ligament pain which was sharp at first.  I had the dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, lower back pain and of all things I was drooling.  Yes all the signs pointed to a good implantation.  Thursday arrived and I just did too much around the house and the symptoms stopped.  Everything I had hoped for came to a hault.  Something I did made the egg disengage.  I was told that at my age this could happen and for no obvious reasons.  I guess the only hope I had out of this was that for just a little bit of time it did work and that this coming cycle, if I'm really careful, I'll get it to stick and grow.

So starting today for the next thirty days if friends get ignored, the phone goes unanswered, if I don't want to deal with others problems and drama there is a darn good reason, I'm my number one priority.  I have to take care of me and my needs.

Next week I'll be scheduling another IUI.  After the IUI I won't be lifting a finger to do housework.  My husband now has this clear in his head that I have to follow the doctor's orders and be treated like I'm pregnant.  I will be a high risk pregnancy being that I'm forty-one years of age and have high blood pressure.  I can't be doing all the stuff that I could have at twenty-one or even thirty-one.  I have two chance, two cycles to get this right.  I want to get it right.

So to my friends and family, if you are reading this have some compassion. Be there for me without question, help me out when you can because you know I would do the same for you and for many I have done the same.  I'm not asking you to do my housework, I have a respite care worker that could help with those things.  What I am asking for is time.  Treat me like the sick friend that you don't want to startle or upset because it could make the condition worse.  I think I'm worth thirty days, don't you?