Monday, February 6, 2012

BFN

You heard me.

I'm done.


64 comments:

  1. f*ck.. I am so sorry Rebecca, so so sorry. Take some time for yourself today and cry, scream or whatever you need.

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    1. I just did the crying part with my marriage counselor. I guess its "lucky" I had an appointment scheduled for today.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I hope you're okay and you and your DH are looking after each other.

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    1. J took the rest of the day off to be with me. He actually never even went in today due to the morning appointments.

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    2. Thanks Jeannine. Wishing we lived closer.

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  3. Oh nooo :( I'm so sorry Rebecca :( This f****** sucks. Give yourself some time to grieve the BFN. Thinking of you xo

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  4. I am so incredibly sorry Rebecca. There are no words. I am sending you infinite love and hugs through the universe. Take care of yourself.

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    1. I scheduled the "WTF" appt. I need to figure out what went wrong before we try with donor eggs which was our next step.

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  5. Damn it. I am so sorry. Toni is right. Take time to yourself and curse, scream, cry, repeat. Hugs. xoxoxoxo

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    1. How about this: When I found out I threw my three boxes of leftover endometrin to the floor and started crying hard.

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  6. You never know what the future has in store for you but you will know someday and will look back with an understanding of the reason why! Keep the faith and follow other paths to your destiny and God bless you! There are so many babies out there that need a mother and you may be the one! Don't give up! June Dame

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    1. June dear cousin, if they didn't make adoption so darn hard and so expensive these days I'd look more closely into it. However, it is expensive and hard and there is no guarantee that the biological parents won't decide to keep the kid at the last minute. They don't make it easy for us now.

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    2. This is exactly why we didn't pursue adoption. I always thought I'd adopt, and then I learned how expensive it is, how long the wait can be, and how emotional it is.

      What about donor egg?

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    3. J and I started talking about donor eggs last IVF before we even tried for the second IVF. It would be a split cycle sharing the eggs so I'm not sure when we'd be doing it. Have to figure in his time here, our funds and when the cycles can be lined up. But yes it is a distinct possibility. I just have to figure first why my uterus is killing off the embryos.

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  7. So very sorry. This sucks and my heart is broken for you.

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    1. Mine is shattered. Guess I'll be adding another angel to my tree this Christmas.

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  8. I'm truly sorry to hear this, I was reading about your cycle and hoping it would work. Take care of yourself...

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    1. A lot of my blogger friends were also so hopeful. I was too when I got that first line the first day I tested. The next day it was lighter and the following day it was gone. I had to stop testing when the third day showed what I already knew in my heart.

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  9. No. No no no. I'm so very sorry Rebecca. Not the news I wanted to hear. Please go take care of yourself today. I'll give the universe a good ass-kicking from the both of us.

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    1. Don't break your foot giving it the kick for all of us. I think I'm going to go curl up with a book in a few and just cry the pity party cry.

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  10. I agree with Toni. Get it all out. I am devastated for you and just so sorry. I know how hard this has all been for you. I just hope you can find some peace somewhere, wherever you can. I wish there was something I could do.
    There are no words. I'm sorry.

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    1. I was thinking beyond all hope that I would be able to announce today that finally I had made it beyond the border of infertility. I now have to give up on my own dna. We'll see where my life heads now.

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    1. I know you are. It kind of puts a damper on all of us when one of us doesn't get the happy ending.

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  12. Thinking of you. Always. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Nicki. Give Kenna a hug for me.

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  13. Rebecca, I am so sorry. I'm sending love and hugs your way.

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    1. I think I'll need a heating pad to go with the hugs. Can you say painful period ahead? Of course you can you know how endo periods are. Ugh!

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    2. Having a brutal period is like a slap in the face after all you have been through. I stole a heating pad from my mom over a year ago. It is rice and has some aroma therapy scents in there. I love it because it reminds me of home and times when my life was simple. I wish I knew how to make them so I could send you one with some added love inside. I'm glad J took the day off to be with you.

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    3. I have an electric heating pad and two rice bags. I'll be using them any day now. Just waiting for the hormones to let go of my system.

      If you know how to sew the rice bags are pretty easy to make. Rice doesn't have to be used either, barley or some other some such like it can be used with lavender and other herbs. I made one when I moved out here because all of my stuff was in storage and I was living in a hotel for 5 months.

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  14. Oh no....I'm so sorry. Get it all out and go on a drinking/crying/shopping rampage...whatever you need to do. I'm thinking of you. This just sucks.

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    1. I'll have to choose crying. Due to an ulcer and depleted funds due to IVF I'll have to skip the drinking and shopping.

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    2. Wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on, even though your husband is there with you. I hope you get some answers at the WTF. I hear you about the ulcer and depleted funds. bleh.

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    3. There are days that I miss being able to raise a glass in cheer with my friends and family. Even the first sip goes down like a snake of fire these days. I had to go off my ulcer meds for TTC.

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  15. I am so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thanks for thinking of me. I hope you are doing well.

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  16. so sorry. I am going to keep praying for you!

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    1. Thanks Vivi. Give your kids a hug for me, please?

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  17. That sucks, so unfair. I am so sorry, hon

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    1. I know you are sorry. I'm not sure why we have to suffer like this when some have it so easy. I think I'll just hate the world for a few days. What do you think?

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    2. That's bullshit. I am really sorry. It doesn't get easier.

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    3. I'm going to wallow right now in a food that will temporarily make me feel better and in all likelihood make me wish I didn't eat it. Ice cream. Not because of the calories for regret but because I'm allergic to whey protein and can't tolerate lactose either. Well at least I'll ditch the constipation from the Endometrin! Oh sorry wrong shit you said Bull shit that's right. Hey I'm trying to hide my grief with humor at least I get some props for that.

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  18. I am so sorry (*HUGS*) I feel like screaming on your behalf... it's just not fair :(

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    1. Yeah I know. Once my eyes stop hurting from the crying I'll cry some more.

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  19. Rebecca, I am so very sorry.

    I am especially close to your blog since we are the same age, and I was so rooting for this to be postive. I was really excited about that first line you saw.

    I know it sounds trite but I have been exactly where you are - my Oct cycle that was my last shot with my own eggs. So, I understand what you are going through. Just let it out and grieve. I know you tried so very hard and I hate that you are having to go through this.

    I will be thinking of you and sending you lots of love. Be kind to yourself.

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    1. Before we go ahead again with donor eggs we are going to have to find out the whys. I don't want to invest more time and money into this without a take home baby. Maybe that sounds awful but so much of our lives are put on hold when we ttc. Its too hard to bring a fridge with me to the movies just so I can take an injection.

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  20. Ugh... not right. Sorry that this is yet another disappointment in your long journey. Thinking of you and hopeful, that somehow, at some time, your baby/family dreams come true. Wishing you peace...

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    1. I really had hoped to announce a different ending yesterday. I knew I wouldn't be but after the second day when the second test that day showed no line...well I knew. Hope was there for a while and I knew I had some peace then. I'll find some peace again when I find out some answers.

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  21. No no no no no. Oh, Rebecca, I am so so sorry. This SUCKS, and it's not fair. Big big hugs and lots of love to you.

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    1. Nope its not fair and its not okay. I'm not going to deny that I'm angry right now.

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  22. Replies
    1. Thanks. I know there is really not much else that can be said.

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  23. Oh Honey, no no! I am so sorry. I can't stop crying for you right now. Keeping you and your Hubby in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of each other! Hugz!

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    1. We are doing the best that we can right now to get through this. J had to go back to work this morning. They had an inspection.

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  24. I'm so sorry. There are no words to make it better so just know that we are all here for you and wish that there was something we could do to take your pain away. Sending you (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks. Unfortunately way too many of us know what loss is like. Too many of us may never know that happiness of holding our babies. I wish it were otherwise but honestly, well we know the facts when we try to trick out bodies. I'd like to knock mine senseless right now and wake up pregnant oh say about 8 months along.

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  25. (((HUGS))) I hate the universe so much right now. I'm so sorry

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  26. I'm sorry for the late reply - been offline for a while. Just wanted to say i am so sorry that this didn't work out. I was hoping against hope for you! I hope that you are able to move forward from this and from your posts I see that you are being so brave. Thinking of you.

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    1. I'm hoping that next week I'll get some answers.

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