Friday, February 24, 2012

PCM Appointment and Ponderings

Sedimentary deposits on the access road to Pacific Beach.  Photo by me.

First off the PCM appointment went well.  Dr. G. listened well to me and decided to do the blood work though he too thinks that without a doubt I at least have an allergy to gluten.  He isn't sure that the blood work will show much as the test has to be done, according to his computer, after I've been eating gluten for a month straight.  He didn't want me sick for that long so he had the blood drawn yesterday.

Funny thing was that even though I've ditched my asthma medicines completely the wheezing has cleared up on its own.  Dr.G. said, "I don't know what you've been using to clear it up but its gone and whatever you've been doing keep it up.".  Interesting.  Maybe it was the vacation to the ocean?  Since then my breathing has gotten better.  I also have a new referral to Gastroenterology in the computer and will be able to call and book my appointment some time next week after its been approved for an available opening.

Now for my ponderings.

I can't figure out why they are deploying J.  He was told he wasn't going to be on the list.  He's on the list.  I wonder if its because I miscarried again.  I mean how is that nice to take away my spouse when we are both still grieving?

This third loss is tearing us both up.  I urged J to make sure he tries to get an appointment to talk to a counselor about the grief.  Seriously I have my own psychologist and we see a marriage counselor but J has no outlet and I've seen just how much this is tearing him up inside.  He is so angry and yet within seconds he is almost in tears.  If I didn't know better I'd say he was injecting himself with my IVF meds.

I know quite well that he is afraid that I might again be pregnant and that we might very well lose this one too if I am.  Really when a soldier deploys he has to get into the zone.  Yes, they get their tunnel vision before they deploy and become real bears to live with.  Its not that they don't love us its just that they have to build up that protective wall again.  The worst part is that we had just broken through that wall and now he is defenseless due to the repeat pregnancy loss.

I'm worried about him.  He is going to a hostile country.  Of late there have been more killings.  I don't want to be a widow.  I have to tell you its a big fear among us military spouses because it can very well happen.  Just the other day there was a training accident in the news.  More dead.  I guess I'll be breathing easier when he gets back home again.  I'd breath a lot easier if they just sent him off on some field exercise.  Well no I doubt I'd be happy with that either.

I know I can handle being apart from him.  I've done it before and I can do it again.  I'm not one of those fall apart spouses that can't handle being left alone.  I'm far from friendless and defenseless.  I know how to take care of myself and shoot an intruder.  Yes, my father, a former soldier himself, taught me well.

I know J will come home again.  But I don't know how well he'll be when he gets back.   He ended up being medivac'd to Balad last time.

I can't worry about the unknown because I can't control it.  I can only live the time I'm in right now and plan for a future with many different options.  I can dream of long vacations together.  I can dream that some how they'll still decide to leave him behind.  But in the end I have to face reality.

Due to OPSEC I won't be posting where he is or when he leaves.  I can only post that he will be leaving and how things are going well after he gets to his destination.

18 comments:

  1. First of all please say thank you to your husband from me. I have such admiration for our military. I am sorry he is leaving and especially after your failed cycle. Thinking about both of you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is there any way you can talk with someone about getting him off the deployment list? The army has to have a policy about not deploying soldiers following a death in the family for all the reasons you've stated. And this most certainly falls in that category.

    In the meantime, I'm holding you in my heart Rebecca.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Cristy, unfortunately the US Army does not recognize a miscarriage as a reason to keep a soldier home, nor do they send them home from a deployment if their spouse miscarries. A miscarriage is considered a natural act of the body.

      The Army REI clinic didn't even recognize me as being pregnant any of the past three times because my beta was so low though the hpt did show that I had a chemical each time. To them it was nothing more than a missed period.

      Its just the way that the Army operates. We have to suck it up.

      Delete
  3. I have to echo what Tony said. Please say thanks to your husband for his service. I appreciate what he is doing and risking for his country. Thank you too for being there to support him and staying strong.

    I agree that you have to force yourself to not think about the "what ifs" and try and stay in the "here and now". Much easier said than done, I know.

    Glad your appt went well and you got a test taken. Good to hear that your asthma is under control.

    By the way, in reply to your comment on my blog I am amazed that you still have parsley growing in your yard (sort of envious actually - lol). I have a difficult time growing it, even in spring/ summer. I think it gets too hot here. My thyme and rosemary stay green through winter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll give him your thanks when I see him tonight.

      So far the curled leaf parsley is the only thing that didn't make it through the winter. I'm hoping that this year the hollyhocks start blooming. I didn't start the sunflowers yet and I meant to but I ran out of peet pellets.

      Gardening is a good distraction for me.

      Delete
  4. I am so sorry he is being deployed again. I know you both are going through such a rough time, and it would be better to be together to get through it. But, you are a super strong lady and I know you can make it! I will be praying he comes home safe and sound and that you manage ok in the mean time. xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. It just sucks that he has to leave when you are both in such a state of grief.

    You are in my thoughts. Please tell your husband that he will be in my thoughts also, and pass along my gratitude for his service to our country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Done. I just read aloud what you wrote.

      Delete
  6. I can't help but think that we need to finally make good on the plan to meet up sometime.

    As my brother is in the military (Air Force) I figured out long ago that while I have the utmost respect for our military personal, I am not the kind of person who could handle being married to one. It is certainly a sort of lifestyle, that really effects your whole lives. I know a lot of people say "thank you" to your husband - but I say "thank you" to YOU. It is a lot of work to be the spouse of a military person, to support them and keep them safe and strong. So often overlooked, but my heart goes out to you as you try to juggle all of this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love to meet up with you some date in the near future.

      Delete
  7. I am so sorry J is being deployed again. I cannot imagine being home alone while going through this. If there's anything I or this blogging community can do, please don't hesitate to ask. Even if it's a road trip across the country to hang in Portland, OR for a little while. You're always welcome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are only a few hours away from me. I live in Tacoma.

      Delete
  8. I'm so sorry he is being deployed. I know that feeling of the universe plotting against you. We're all here for you, sending you strength xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I'm going to need it. It seems like such a long time ago that he last deployed but it just last summer. Ugh!

      Delete
  9. you are in my thoughts Rebecca. I will pray the universe provides you both with the strength to get through this.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am glad you are getting the blood work done finally!

    I'm sorry he is being deployed, especially when you two are still grieving. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I get upset and have a hard time when my Hubby just goes away for a week.

    Keeping you and J in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete

If you decide to be a Troll I will refuse to pay your toll and your comment will not appear.