Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Flowers, Friends and Fertiles

J apologized for his bad behavior on my surgery day with flowers and sweets.  As you can see they are on my big dining room table with all my meds and my instruction sheet for the embryo transfer.

I have yet to hear from Dr. C. today on the status of my embryo. I know he is quite busy since this is the week on the calendar we all were supposed to be retrieving.   Last night SRM called me with the time and date of the embryo transfer.  What if there is nothing to transfer?  I'm scared.  Last time I had just one embryo.  It was perfect.  As perfect as they can get and it didn't stick.  I have only a 10% chance of this one making it and becoming a take home baby.

Friends I thank you for all your support.  Knowing that I have so many supporters out there means a lot to me when I'm so hormonal.

Last night I had a friend call me.  She begged me to accept the apology of the fertile girl that was so callous about her announcement.  My friend swears that the girl never reads my blog.  Well if she never reads my blog then how did she come across my reply comment on my blog about the callousness of her behaviour?  DUH!   She obviously reads my blog.  I did say, "good luck" to her on her announcement.

Of course I wish her no ill will.  I know first hand how precious babies are, and how hard it is for some of us to conceive.  She is a fertile and so is my friend.

*******WARNING******

Now for my rant.  I might get vicious and I need to point out that some of my friends and acquaintances can be found at either end of this and some somewhere in the middle.

An infertile gal waits for the embryo report with the phone next to the shower curtain so she doesn't miss that ever important call. First she hesitates to even take the shower fearing she might not be able to hear the ring.  While the fertile gal could care less if the phone rings and she'll get to it when she gets to it.

An infertile gal counts her two week wait in injections and Endometrin depending on protocol.  A fertile gal hardly will notice until her period is already late.

An infertile gal can pinpoint the day, and time in which her baby was created.  The fertile gal might not even pay attention to when her last period was but figures it was sometime during the sex crazed week she had.

An infertile gal knows the donor number of her sperm or spouse.  Some, not all, fertile women can't pinpoint who the father is.  I knew one gal that had a line up of possible fathers and had them all tested.

An infertile gal is supposed to suppress, stimulate, and then maintain with progesterone to get pregnant before the embryo is even put in her.  The fertile gal drinks, smokes, dances, lifts mountains of loads of laundry and has no clue she might be pregnant.

The infertile gal will most likely, unless she has a blog, suppress her urge to tell the world that she is pregnant at the first or second Beta because she knows it could all go south.  She will wait until the beginning of the second trimester and sometimes wait until week 24 when she knows the baby has a chance to survive on its own.  The fertile gal takes the home pregnancy test decides to go out and start baby clothes shopping.

The infertile gal is often put on full pelvic rest due to cysts caused by the stims,  which means sex is not an option.  No not even masturbation.  The fertile gal is able to continue to have sex.

An Infertile gal is hyped up on hormones but is told by her friend that doesn't understand she needs to accept an apology from a pregnant gal because that girl is pregnant.  The infertile is taking meds which mimic pregnancy in order to support pregnancy at higher levels than what are in an already pregnant woman's body and I'm the one that has to "be a bigger person"?  The Fertile gal sniffles and boo hoo's that an infertile monster is jealous of her and someone calls the INFETILE "a skanky dependapotmus that is jealous".

The infertile gal will quietly and with much reserve notify other infertiles of her joy not wanting to upset them on their infertile path, unless she has a blog she shares with other infertiles that cheer her on.  She will understand if they can't handle her joy and don't want to converse with her until they are better able to cope.  The Fertile gal will blurt to the world she is pregnant and not give a rat's ass about her infertile friends that have suffered loss after loss.

The last two pregnancies I was very quiet about announcing them.  You would have had to look closely at my blog to see that I had even said for sure I was or wasn't.  I'm trying to be careful to not hurt anyone's feelings but dammit I have feelings and if you read my blog and are fertile and don't have the foresight to tell me personally, if you are a close friend, of your upcoming sproglet then you aren't a very good friend. I don't like to find out via mass media that a supposed friend could care less about my feelings.  Frankly you just rubbed my face in your second kid's dirty diaper with what you said.  Thanks a lot.

Oh and I just got word.  How its even possible I don't know since the last one was as perfect as possible but Dr. C. said this one is even better than the last one.  
Me:  I know I only have a 10% chance of it implanting due to egg age.
Dr. C.:  I have no fear that this one will implant because its more perfect than the last one.

I have a bit of hope again.

Oh and yes if you are one of the Fertiles I mentioned above learn compassion for those that are infetile.

If you are one of my friends remember I've lost 3 pregnancies, 4 babies already.

If you are infertile I hope that all of us will soon become mom's with take home babies.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

37 comments:

  1. Rebecca I am holding on to every bit of hope that this "perfect" little embryo is going stick. I am definitely thinking of you day by day.

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    1. Toni I really hope it sticks. This is it for us trying with my own eggs. It will be awhile before we can afford donor eggs.

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  2. Don't let the turkeys get you down. We all know what you're going through :) I've got everything crossed for that beautiful embryo...stick baby. :)

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    1. I got my first annoying anonymous comment and I know exactly who it was from. Oh yes it was from the gal that was the "turkey". First she ranted to me just this morning on-line. Then she unfriends me on-line. Then its quite obvious she was the one that sent the anon comment after she said she wasn't going to read my blog anymore. Okay right, sure.

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  3. im really excited for your perfect little embaby.....please, just remember, it only takes one.
    stay positive....i am hoping and wishing for you
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks. I'm hoping you get your BFP here shortly.

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  4. I am so thinking of you! I'm proud of you for being able to verbalize (or write, whatever) how you are feeling so eloquently. xoxxo

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  5. Oh so so true!!! FX tightly for you still!

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    1. Thanks. Thinking of you and hoping your pregnancy goes more smoothly.

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  6. Well stated and so true. I'm hopeful for your embie. Are you going to try any of the old wive's tale solutions for implantation like grape juice, pineapple, etc?

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    1. Thanks Pork Chop. Funny I had totally forgotten about those tricks. I have grape juice that I drink daily. Wonder if J would mind me getting into his pineapple?

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  7. I'm really praying for you.i know my battle was painful. I can't imagine what you are going through. We are thinking of you even though we dont talk much

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    1. Thanks Vivi. I know you are praying for me. You understand what its like to lose babies and deal with infertility too.

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  8. Ugh, I know what you mean. It's like a person brushing her long, luxurious hair and complaining about split ends to a cancer patient who hasn't had a hair on her head in 3 years. And then expecting the cancer patient to apologize for feeling bad about it.

    I'm crossing my fingers that this one will stick.

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    1. Alex, I thought for sure the vicious comments wouldn't start until after I was announcing the pregnancy. I guess the meanies decided to step out of the closet early.

      Hoping your pregnancy is going well. I'm thinking of you often.

      I too hope this one sticks.

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  9. To those of you reading this and trying to post nasty comments to me; I've had three already this day. Remember I have control over the content. I don't have to, nor will I allow your comments to be seen.

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    1. Really? People really do that? Sorry this just blows me away that a person could be so tacky.

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    2. Toni, I've actually as of now had 4 of those messages. 3 from the same person. I wish there was a way to block the ISP from the Anonymous commenter.

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  10. I myself am unfertile and I understand the struggles! Sending good vibes your way and thinking of you!

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    1. I remember your horror story of the ER visit last year. That was scary. Hoping that when the time comes Steph you'll be able to get pregnant without too much of the scientific method.

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  11. Great news about the embyro, Rebecca. Hoping this works for you!

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    1. Me too. Yesterday I was afraid it was a complete wash. I guess what J and I made in the one wants to hang out in my womb for a bit. Hopefully it sticks.

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  12. I am so pulling for that perfect embie. Come ON little one!

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  13. Thanks Alissa. I'll be thinking about you in the months to come. Hopefully soon you'll be doing your FET.

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  14. As I read your blog every day, I think back to when we were teenagers and we said the only kids we wanted we wanted were Cabbage Patch Kids. How times change. I know I'm across the country and we haven't spoken much recently, but please know I am right there beside you as you face each of your fertility challenges. I have been praying for you and have asked my church family to keep you in prayer. You will be a great mom and there's no doubt your child will be shown all the love you have to give.

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    1. Thanks Tracy, and I well remember those days of the Cabbage patch kids.

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  15. Well said. I am hoping and praying this beautiful little emby is it. Grow emby grow and dig in deep. We all want to meet you!

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    1. I can't wait to meet the embie too. But I want to give it at least 34 weeks in there.

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  16. I'm so happy to see the flowers! I'm cheering you all on, including the little embryo!!!

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    1. Thanks Stephie. With so many of us talking about babies of late its not hard to see why you have baby on the brain.

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  17. I guess I fit somewhere in the middle. I can tell you the exact day, time, and situation when we conceived Kenna. She was planned and I was paying attention. I'm fertile, but I can't stay pregnant. I've only lost two babies, but they were both wanted and loved, too. The first was a surprise, but our son...last year...planned.

    I am just as careful during my pregnancies as the infertile women. I know how precious babies are. And no matter how much I did right, no drinking, never smoked, no partying...bed rest, progesterone shots, light exercise (walking), eating right, taking vitamins...trying to stay relaxed...still Kenna came early.

    I think of you constantly. I want you to have this pregnancy more than anything even if it means you spend the rest of the pregnancy wrapped in bubble wrap. (That's pretty much what I had to do.)

    Love you!

    PS. Thank you for Kenna's clothes. They are perfect. The nurse said as soon as she's off the oscillator she can wear them. Until then, they need to see her chest shake. So...soon!

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    1. Nicki, though you might think you are more towards the fertile end, I think of you as one of us. You can get pregnant, even with only one tube left, but your problem is the fact that you have a hard time keeping the pregnancy which makes you infertile.

      Glad you like the clothing.

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  18. Thank you for putting words to what so many of us infertile women struggle with. With that said, YAY for a perfect embie!! Sending you lots of sticky thoughts. Hold on tight little embie! You have a lot of growing to do!!

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  19. I am glad there is still hope for your egg! No one understands the roller coaster ride that is infertility unless they have been through it. Props to you for voicing YOUR opinion, this is your blog for heaven's sakes! Some days I feel ready to do the same! I will keep my fingers crossed for you! Take care friend xx

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