Crafting My LIfe Away

Photo by me of my latest creation.  The other day my bestie, S, and I went to Shipwreck Beads where I purchased the components for J and a few beads for myself.

See I get lonely and listless which then if left unchecked will lead to depression.  I'm not a drinker, an impulse shopper, or an impulse eater so I fidget when J is away.  Maybe the fidgeting is helping me to lose weight as it is still coming off.

So with my spare time when I'm not cleaning or watering the lawn and garden I create.  Sometimes its food creations which I would share with my neighbors.  Most of my neighbors who were good friends are now gone.  Now I have to turn my creativity to other pursuits.  Back to beading, sewing, embroidery, knitting, crocheting, needlepoint and so on.  There isn't much I can't do and if I don't know how I'll learn.

Better view of the necklace, well I think.  The large drop stone is an Afghanistan Stone, with the blue sea quartz above it and Thai silver daisy beads in between the two large stones.  The main necklaces is composed of silver tubes, silver open work beads and taupe freshwater pearls.

I rather like this creation.  The large Afghanistan stone caught my eye and I just have to have it.  The stone has nice layers where over time it was compressed from the various sediment.  Life has layers, some good some bad and it rather suits me and the Army life.  I chose the Afghanistan stone because it was the only stone they had representing the Middle East that would meet my needs. Sure a ruby, emerald or even lapis lazuli could have worked too but this was the stone I chose.
 
The sea blue quartz is for the water that always has separated us each time he has gone.

The 12 taupe pearls represent the 12 moons he is normally gone.  12 months of tears.  12 months of trials.  Pearls are worn to shun evil influences.  They are also a symbol of purity and my love for him is pure.

Charity Blanket

Last week I finally finished up the blanket I'd been working on for over a year.  I'm going to find a charity now to donate it to. 

I was thinking of a charity here at my military installation since I did use my husband's money to make the blanket and he is a soldier.

I started this blanket in April of 2010 when J was still in  Iraq.  Each square is hand woven by me.  Each square has a hand crocheted edge too.  Oh and there are 144 squares which makes this blanket a queen size. 

The blanket drapes over my queen size bed so that it will easily tuck in or could be used as just a bed cover if desired. 

Now I'm just hoping that there is a charity that will want the blanket.  I'm not sure about the market these days and if they could possibly raffle it off to make more money for their charity or if I should just find a buyer and donate the money to the charity of my choice.

The reason it took me over a year to make is that I have carpal tunnel and tendonitis in both of my hands.  Okay that and the fact that with J's homecoming I took a break from creating for a few months, more like 6 months but who's counting?

If anyone has any ideas on how I should go about donating this blanket or selling it and donating the full purchase price let me know.  Easily I've spent $75 in yarn alone not including my own time which, when I had my own business I used to charge for my labor when creating an item as my time is not free.  Hopefully I can get about $100-200 for a sale price to donate or maybe they can raise that much from this blanket.

These are the two charities I had in mind:
http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
http://fortlewisfisherhouse.org/

Which one do you think would be the best for this item?  I'd like to be able to donate to my own installation.

Lonely Moments In Time

Its one of those times again when I'm really missing my husband.  I wish I could just hug him today but its not to be.  My hormones are running wild and I'm teary eyed today.

I'm not going to say it something only a military wife would understand because its not.  Any spouse who has had to kiss their beloved good bye not knowing for sure if they'll see them again, accidents do happen, would understand.

Anyone who has had to sleep for countless nights in the bed they'd normally shared with their loved one  would understand this loneliness.

Anyone who has had to eat the evening meals alone, no kids, no pets, no spouse would understand.

I detest how the loneliness can lead to depressing thoughts.  So today I'm going to fight them off.  Today I'm going to spend some time with my bestie, S, again.  She knows how much my husband means to me.

If I were to stay home alone today I'd start to think all sorts of negative thoughts.  I'd dredge up old arguments in my mind and how I could have better handled them.  How I should have been a nicer person.  Or even thoughts of where I might not be good enough for my spouse.  Maybe I'm not thin enough, not pretty enough, not young enough.  Its a road of thoughts I don't want to travel down.  Its road that leads to a big black hole of depression.  I've been in that hole and its slippery sided one that is difficult to climb out of even if someone throws you a life line and often there isn't even that for help.  No I'm not going there today.

Today I'm going to think about what I can do for my J today.  Even though he's not here I can go run an errand for him while I'm out.  He had a project he was almost finished with but we ran out of time to get him the last of the supplies he needed.  As luck would have it I'll be going to the very store we were going to go to before he left.  Now its my time to show him that I remembered his needs and thought about him.

Thank you J for being there when you can and thinking of me often.

Thank you S for including me in your travels and getting me out of the house.

I love you both.

Fried Or Baked....

Either way it hurts.  Yesterday I had a day of fun in the sun, a little too much sun, with my bestie S and her kids.  I was wearing a tank top, shorts, jewelry and sunglasses but no sun block.  It was there and within reach but did I put the sun block on?  Nooooo.  Now I'm paying for it.

You can see the outline of my necklace in this photo of my front.  You should see my legs!  OUCH!  Oh wait I took a photo of that too.  My arms are also burnt.

Downward view of my legs, not very flattering but you can see the burn.  I was wearing flip flops and you can tell by the white lines.

Yeah I wasn't too bright yesterday but now I glow pink.  I took a cool bath with five black tea bags then smoothed on some A& D ointment.  I put more of the ointment on today too. 

I still have to go outside later today and water the lawn.  No sunscreen in the house.  Guess I should put it on my grocery list.  At least S remembered to bring some yesterday to the water park.

Maybe I should get a few more callouses as those were the only things that didn't burn on my legs!  I'm going to have one weird looking tan when J gets back.  I'm sure he'll look at me a bit odd for being such a dummkopf.   I made sure he packed sun block but I totally forgot to buy myself a tube.  Grrrr....

My face isn't too bad, just my lips and nose got burnt.  I was wearing my face cream that had a 30 spf and my lip balm that had a 15 spf.  I guess three hours in the sun was a bit much for even those. 

Will I ever learn?  Maybe.  But we don't get much sun here in WA so sunscreen isn't something I think of daily except for what is in my face cream.

Mammogram

This morning I have a mammogram appointment.  Yup its that time of year again to get my boobs squished.

Because I have such large breasts the testing takes even longer and the longer it is the more painful it is.  I've had the tech be annoyed at me, this was NY, and say that they are too large so she has to take more views. 

So not only do they get squished singly, they get squished together in the middle of my breast bone so that they can get better shots.

You'd think that the tech would at least offer me a cookie for being a good sport,  especially after playing with my milk bags.

Thinking back to NY, I had one doctor refuse to allow me to have a nurse in the room.  This wasn't an Army doctor, they know better.  This guy had me strip to the waist and put on a paper gown top while he was out of the room.  When he came into the room he ripped the paper top down the front and proceeded to exam my breasts.  I told my husband all about it after.  I refused to see that doctor ever again.  Just think, he was recommended by someone too, makes me wonder what my friends were thinking when they suggested this doctor.

So yes, its off I go to the hospital today for my yearly mammogram.  I'm a bit anxious too.  The only consoling thought is knowing that later today I get cake.  My bestie, S, is having a party for her son.  I love her kids, her and cake.  Maybe I'll get to pet her dogs too.

Good news, my Pap Results came back.  "Normal Pap Test, Absent Endocervical Component".  I've no clue as to why they couldn't get the endocervical component, I was ovulating not pregnant.  With a retroverted uterus the well woman visit wasn't comfortable and I wonder if that lead to the absence of the endocervical component.  That or they just weren't good at the scraping.

Diet Of The Mind

Today is the day that I'd normally be making cookies for the soldiers at the COF but since most are gone, like my J, I won't be making them for a while to come.  Still I could make them for me, but why bother?  They would just be a big temptation sitting in my cookie jar.

I've been taking care of me this past week, the first week that J's been gone.  I've shucked off the stress, or most of it at least, and I've gone back to eating three meals a day.  Okay so today I've yet to get the chance to eat breakfast but I will in a few as soon as I've finished my blog.  But I did at least have a large glass of orange juice to break the fast so far.

This week I've not been dieting.  Seriously, I've been eating everything I want.  Funny how I've now lost exactly 5 pounds in the time that J has been gone.  Why is it that every time he leaves I lose weight?  Before I met him I was a size 8 which isn't bad for a gal of my height.  Right now I'm a size 16.  Yeah I gained that much living with the man I love.  Love is fattening I guess.

This week I've eaten 1 pound of pasta, a 9x9 inch pan of Cinnabon cake, 4 Hershey's bars, 4 bags of veggies in sauce, 1/2 can of unsalted peanuts, 6 ounces of pepper jack cheese, 1/2 gallon of orange juice, 3 cans of Canada Dry Ginger Ale, 1 1/2 packets of Ritz crackers, 1 jar of fat free Kraft Mayo (for the pasta), 1/2 lb. pound of Healthy Ones Honey Ham, 1/2 lb of swiss cheese, pizza, and endless glasses of water.  So how did I lose all the weight?

I have no clue.  It certainly wasn't exercise.  I haven't exercised yet.  I've puttered about the house doing the normal house work but with the addition of watering the lawn almost daily nothing has changed in my routine.   The only thing different is that J isn't here.

Could it have been his stress with his doom and gloom mood that was causing me to gain weight?  I had put on almost 10 pounds in the week before he left here.  Its not unheard of, I've done that before.  So yes its possible I guess.  But I'd hate to blame him for the weight gain.  Funny but he lost weight the week before he left.  I know about water in osmosis but can fat do it too?  Can sleeping in the same bed with your spouse make you gain the weight they are losing?  If so I want twin beds!

Okay well if any of you can figure out why I've lost 5 pounds without trying let me know.  Hopefully I can keep this up as I'd like to lose 60 pounds.  15 more pounds off and I'll give myself a treat.  I figure every 20 pounds lost deserves some sort of treat like; shoes, purse, earrings, clothes, or a book.

I'm thinking that most of this dieting is in my head.  Now that I'm more relaxed my cortisol levels are going back to normal.  That means weight loss.  Stress is always fattening.  The hard part is getting rid of the stress I have in my mind.  I just need to keep my mind on other things and not what is coming around the corner that I have no control over.  Just let it go I tell myself.

Thoughts That Plague The Unconsious Mind

This morning I awoke not once but twice from nightmares.  I'm not sure of one particular thing that might have triggered the nightmares but its a good thing that J wasn't in bed with me.  I was thrashing about the bed and yelling.  Well I was yelling in the dream, maybe not in reality, however, I did wake up with the covers askew and me on the wrong side of the bed.

I've been under quite a bit of stress of late.  I think I need me time.  I've got plenty of it right now but somehow I always feel like I need to be doing something constructive.

Yesterday I finished the blanket I've been working on since early 2010, just before J came home from Iraq.  For a while I had put it away but of late I've been working like elf to get it finished.  I have many other projects that need to be finished too but never enough time.  I was going to send the blanket to my mom so that she could raffle it off for charity down there for the vets but now I think that I'll save the postage and find a buyer here for it so that I donate the money to charity up here.  Maybe a charity exclusive to my installation so that I know the funds will go to help another soldier.

I called my mom last night to tell her about the IVF for this October.  I jokingly said "want to pay half?".  Her reply was, "Half a grandkid? I'll talk to your father about it later tonight".  Oh my word, really?  I was only kidding but seriously if she wants to help out on this IVF I'd love it.  Heck even a few hundred would help out.  My parents have no grandchildren.  Its not likely they'll ever get any from my brother either.  He prefers the life he lives without all the complications.

I'm worried that this IVF might not work.  That if my parents do help out they'll hate me for using their money with no return.  That might sound harsh but I know my parents pretty well.  One of my nightmares last night was about this very thing, that I'd disappoint them yet again.  No, they aren't like other parents when they are disappointed in me they punish me, even through distance they find their ways.  I really hope, that if I'm lucky enough to have a baby, that I'm not going to be like that to my kid.