Thoughts That Plague The Unconsious Mind

This morning I awoke not once but twice from nightmares.  I'm not sure of one particular thing that might have triggered the nightmares but its a good thing that J wasn't in bed with me.  I was thrashing about the bed and yelling.  Well I was yelling in the dream, maybe not in reality, however, I did wake up with the covers askew and me on the wrong side of the bed.

I've been under quite a bit of stress of late.  I think I need me time.  I've got plenty of it right now but somehow I always feel like I need to be doing something constructive.

Yesterday I finished the blanket I've been working on since early 2010, just before J came home from Iraq.  For a while I had put it away but of late I've been working like elf to get it finished.  I have many other projects that need to be finished too but never enough time.  I was going to send the blanket to my mom so that she could raffle it off for charity down there for the vets but now I think that I'll save the postage and find a buyer here for it so that I donate the money to charity up here.  Maybe a charity exclusive to my installation so that I know the funds will go to help another soldier.

I called my mom last night to tell her about the IVF for this October.  I jokingly said "want to pay half?".  Her reply was, "Half a grandkid? I'll talk to your father about it later tonight".  Oh my word, really?  I was only kidding but seriously if she wants to help out on this IVF I'd love it.  Heck even a few hundred would help out.  My parents have no grandchildren.  Its not likely they'll ever get any from my brother either.  He prefers the life he lives without all the complications.

I'm worried that this IVF might not work.  That if my parents do help out they'll hate me for using their money with no return.  That might sound harsh but I know my parents pretty well.  One of my nightmares last night was about this very thing, that I'd disappoint them yet again.  No, they aren't like other parents when they are disappointed in me they punish me, even through distance they find their ways.  I really hope, that if I'm lucky enough to have a baby, that I'm not going to be like that to my kid.