Wednesday, February 29, 2012

12 dpo, Nothing Yet

I'm still here waiting.  I'm going to be waiting for a long time too.  I'm waiting for lab results on the gluten, I'm waiting for the HPT to hopefully show two lines though I do have my doubts and I'm still waiting for the orders to come in which will separate me from my spouse for who the heck knows how long this time.

Last night the stress of everything got to be a bit too much and I started with chest pains.  Yeah, so not fun. I like to plan.  Right now I can't do a thing but sit there and wait staring out the window or finding something to numb my mind.  I can't make a grocery list of things to buy for J to pack up.  Things that I know he'll need like an all-in-one body wash because I don't know when he has to pack out and leave.  I don't even know if he'll be going to an area where they have real showers.  Our Exchange sells dry shampoo for a reason.

On the fertility front, its now cycle day 22 and I'm 12 days past ovulation.  Usually I would have shown a faint second line by now.   I normally run a 25-28 day cycle so I still have time to show one way or the other.  Oh and I'm damn well scared that I might actually be pregnant and have to go this alone considering we all know that I'll be on bed rest with my hypertension and with no one around that can be at my beck and call.  Well okay its not like J would have been at my beck and call but if something went wrong he would have only been four miles away not thousands of miles away like he will be now.

Can you believe that within a half hour of starting the endometrin I had cramping and really bad nausea?  I never had it that bad before.  I was shaking, cold and felt like I was going to hurl.  When I used it last IVF I must have transitioned from one hormone to the endometrin without much of a second glance because I really don't remember shaking, being cold or wanting to hug the toilet.  A bit of nausea last cycle but not like this.  Anyhow the endometrin slime has started again.  In a few days I'll know if I have to continue with this or if this natural cycle of two follicles on the left ovary failed me.  I realize that at my age my eggs are pretty much rotten, still its nice to know that I can ovulate on my own.

While J is deployed I'll be coming to grips with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own if this cycle has failed.  We will be deciding on the egg donor route or none at all and just closing up shop.  I need time to grieve for the three recent miscarriages and the one I had years ago.  I just need time to re-evaluate where I'm going in life and see where I should go from here.

12 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. Wish I could do more...

    xoxo

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    1. Thanks Nicki. I've noticed an odd thing. Well perhaps it shouldn't seem so odd. But my views have dropped way down since I said I wasn't going to be able to try to conceive for a while.

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  2. It's all so tough. All of it. The decisions, life, our IF...it can really wear you down. Will J be leaving a 'sample' for you in case you are moving forward with egg donation? Would you attempt that kind of a cycle on your own? I know time/age is of the essence, that's why I ask.

    I hope you can find some peace and happiness before he has to go.

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    1. As long as I have my psychologist I think I'll be able to find some peace and happiness before he leaves and while he is gone.
      No I'm not having him leave a sample though it is a thought in case something should happen to him. But I'm not sure that I would want to raise a child without him. I still have until I hit age 50 with the donor eggs.

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  3. I'm still here and thinking about you often. I am sorry for all of the stress. I wish I could do something to help. Just know that you have me and other endosisters here anytime you need to talk. Much love friend. xx

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  4. It isnt over yet..so hang in there.

    But I know what you mean about old eggs. I get so angry when I see EWCM and perfect 28-30 day cycles, its like my body is mocking me since I know my eggs are poor quality and quite useless.

    I hope you feel less stressed, but I can imagine how annoying being in limbo is especially reg your hubby's deployment.

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    1. It does suck having old eggs. I still have them but I can't even use them in an omelet.

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  5. I'm still here! :)

    That's weird about the nausea and the shakes. Could you be coming down with something and it put you over the edge? I hope you're feeling better soon...or pregnant.

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  6. I really wish i was there while J is gone. Hoping all the tests go well for you. Sending blessings your way and praying for you to have a successful pregnancy!
    Love
    Kim

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    1. I wish you were here too Kim. I miss having you here.

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