For almost six years my husband and I have been trying to add to our family. The only thing we have managed to add to is the receipts from medical treatments and angels to the Christmas tree.
Infertility has imprisoned me with the hormones I self inject, swallow, and apply to my body. I'm held prisoner by the regimented schedule that I must stick to in the hopes that I may one day have that take home baby.
Imagine trying to live your life around someone else's schedule that takes away all your fun. Imagine being told when you have to have sex, can't have sex, can't exercise, should be on bed rest, can't eat certain foods and more all in the feeble hopes that you might, just might, be pregnant. I willingly did what must be done just like Noa P. Singleton did what she had to do. Will I succeed or will all hopes and dreams be dashed with a petri dish that yet again failed to produce the dream I had hoped for?
Like Noa P. Singleton I will never have a baby of my own. Unlike Noa P. Singleton I still have a chance. I just have to look outside of this prisoner cell for more options.
In late August my husband and I will have the results of his karyotyping test. Together we will make a decision that we will need to live with to break free of this prison. Will we be able to move forward and put this terrible past behind us? Or will we move on with more treatments lengthening the sentence that already seems to be terminal?
This post was inspired by the novel The Execution of Noa P. Singleton by Elizabeth L. Silver. Mere months before Noa’s execution, her victim’s mother changed her mind Noa’s sentence and vows to help stay the execution. Join From Left to Write on July 30 as we discuss The Execution of Noa P. Singleton.. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.
This post hit home. The prison of infertility includes torture.
ReplyDeleteThere are days I wonder if I am a masochist.
DeleteI hope you get to move forward. I spent 6 years trying to get pregnant before we had our twins. I can say though that I never felt imprisoned by our infertility. Mostly because we were diagnosed with MF almost from the get go, so our sex life hasn't had anything to do with baby making since at least 2001. I always found the hormone injecting and stuff more exciting than anything else, because it was the only time I felt hope that I would ever actually get pregnant, since getting pregnant the old fashioned way is impossible.
ReplyDeleteChick, I can say now that if J and I choose to do another round it will not be my own DNA of course which is not a problem with me, but it will be THE LAST ROUND! We might decide to donor embryo and not just donor eggs this time.
DeleteYou have fought a heck of a good fight :) I hope that this last round is the one!!
DeleteVery well written post, Rebecca. *hugs*.
ReplyDeleteI know you understand this prison well.
DeleteI so hope you can break free of this prison (and it breaks my heart that this book hit you so close to home). I do have one biological child, but I have struggled with the pain of lost pregnancies, and finally giving up on the Ida of experiencing a "normal" pregnancy and birth. The loss never goes away, but we have experienced such joy through adoption.
ReplyDeleteI just want to give you a huge hug because I know I have no words that will lessen the pain.
ReplyDelete