DONSA

I'm happy to say that Monday is a DONSA for my husband.  DONSA means a day of no scheduled activity.

This weekend I'll be thinking a lot about the friend I lost in 9/11.  I'll be thinking that I'm grateful that my family escaped the fate that many did not.  I'll be praying that no terrorist decides to take revenge on us for offing two of their leaders in such a short period of time.  Remember Osama bin Laden was taken out and a few weeks ago we took out the next on the food chain  too.

Personally I think that religion is a choice and one that shouldn't lead to violence.  I could go on for paragraphs here about my feeling on that particular subject but I won't.  I will say that I feel bad for the families of our citizens that have yet to gain closure.

On an intimate fertility note the endo pain started increasing again over the past few days, and cramping got worse last night and today its not any better.  I have to say that Endometriosis just sucks!  I was warned that even though I'm on hormones for suppression this could happen and to expect it.  Not much can be done about it.  The IVF cycle is full of different hormones and this is not going to be a joy ride on my reproductive organs.

So with the Endo pain I'm not sure just how much I'll be enjoying this weekend with my spouse.  We had made plans to escape town and head out a few hours north but I think that most likely we'll just be staying put unless the pain subsides enough.

I finally got around to making the cookies for the soldiers at the COF yesterday.  Tuesday and Wednesday were filled up so that I didn't even get the me time I had hoped for.  Finally yesterday I had a little break in my chores to get cookies made so I made the Oatmeal Scotchies.  Hopefully they like them.

IVF And Army Complications

Well it seems as though that when it rains it pours.  Creating life is now a bit more difficult for J and I.

Here I thought I was the only one with the fertility issues, but now it seems that the morphology of his sperm is now borderline.  When did that happen?

So we are now adding into our procedure ICSI, Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, and the AH, Assisted Hatching.  This is going to up our cost of the IVF another $1400-1800.

Now for the biggest problem.  Getting the chance to keep my spouse home for the IVF and pregnancy, God I hope there is a pregnancy.

My doctors aren't being that cooperative.  I've now asked two of the folks at my REI to write a letter stating that in the event of pregnancy that they would recommend that my husband be allowed to stay on rear-D until the risk of loss is removed.  They won't do it.  Its not like we are asking him to stay home for the entire deployment.  Nor are we asking his brigade to go understaffed either.  We've explained to my doctors that they are currently overstaffed for my husband's slot and he would like to be considered for one of the rear-D slots that are open.

But no, REI can't help.  Now I have a referral to MFM, maternity fetal medicine.  I need to be evaluated for my high risk any way and maybe they could write a letter with a recommendation.  I hope.

I have to go over to see a mental health doctor too.  No I'm not crazy but I'm just getting myself prepared to deal with this deployment, a possible pregnancy, possible miscarriage, possible realizing that my fertile years are totally gone.  I need someone to talk to about the hormone roller coaster that will understand what I'm going through.  Maybe she will be able to write some sort of recommendation.

Next I have to see my cardiologist.  I'm far behind on those appointments.  I've missed two this year.  Maybe Dr.K. will be able to write something about my risk factor.

I still have to go see my PCM, primary care medicine, for a prescription renewal of my high blood pressure and asthma medicines.  Maybe Dr.G. will be able to write a recommendation.

I have my doubts.  I'm certainly not going to ask my optometrist to write a note.  I'm not blind yet even though my optic nerves are calcifying.  Yes, eventually I will go blind.

I just want one of my doctors to write a blasted note that the commander needs before he makes out the list of who he is planning on sending out for this deployment.  I'd like my husband to be left here.  We've made so many sacrifices already.  For three years we've had to put off trying to conceive because of training, hardship tour, deployment.  Now I'm just asking for this IVF cycle and pregnancy time if there is a pregnancy.  I'm not greedy.  I'd rather not bleed to death on the floor due to a miscarriage because no one is there to help me.

I'm all set otherwise.  I'll cope just like I always do.  I have my two grocery bags of hormone injections all stored away like they should be.  I have my huge plastic bag of needles and syringes next to the shelf stable medicines.  I'm good to go.  I know when and how to inject the medicines.  But yesterday we were told in the seminar that I'm not to give myself the daily progesterone injection but that my spouse has to give it to me.  So how the bloody hell am I to get that particular injection if he is deployed?

Who is going to write that letter?

Weight Flip Flop

This week of weight loss has been a real test of my endurance.  It seems as though this is the week that I'm bloating really easily.  I lost over a pound only to gain almost a pound back making my total weight lost for the week only 0.6 lb.  I'm cranky.

I have several things that could be the cause of this happening.  First off my schedule has been hectic.  Yesterday I didn't even get me time.  I had a last minute appointment with the chaplain sprung on me when my spouse came home for lunch.  Okay great I get ten minutes to change out of sweat pants and paint my face.  Not fun.

Secondly with the birth control part of the IVF meds I am not going to get a period for quite some time.  The packs are taken piggy back.  I read through the side effects and one of which really stood out was bloating due to increased sodium retention.  Great just what I need since I'm already prone to sodium bloat with my high blood pressure.  There is no way in Hades I can cut back on my sodium more since I'm already down to 1000 mg a day or less.  I guess I'll just have to deal with my weight see-sawing.

Third, I haven't had time for my regular exercise routine with my spouse being home.  I guess he is thinking that with him now being home from his  recent short deployment that I again need to cater to him.  Um, no.  Keeping the house clean is only easy if I get some cooperation.

My Fibromyalgia book states quite clearly, and I've read it to my husband several times; If you dirty it you clean it, If you take it out you put it back, If you make the mess you clean it up.  Those rules apply to all household members not just the housewife that doesn't work outside the home.  Nor should I be expected at this point in time to take care of anyone else but myself in my pursuit of trying to get pregnant and get healthy.  Someone needs a good swift kick in the pants of reality if he thinks I have nothing better to do than to cater to him.

Oh we've been "discussing" the issues of late.  I think we've got a good idea of where we need to work on them.  I don't like someone sabotaging my diet and exercise plan.  He's been home a week and that's exactly what he's done.

On a different note, today I have my IVF seminar.  My husband and I will learn what we are supposed to know about our IVF cycle and how to give me the injections the proper way.  Oh great does this mean we are going to experiment on me today?  Just what I need a sore butt, stomach and arms.  All I know is that we both have to stop by the pharmacy first before the seminar according to instructions.  Good thing I don't fear needles!

Tuesday Monday

Hello Monday, err I mean Tuesday.  I'm all messed up after very few hours sleep, thank you cyst pain, and the four day weekend.  Now I just need to get the energy up to finish my tasks at hand.

Because its a Tuesday I would normally be finished with the bills by now but its my Monday and the banks were closed yesterday.  So today I still need to go over the bills for the week and see what's going on with  the financial institutions that we use.

I've got laundry to do.  I did one load yesterday, two on Sunday and I've still got the whites left for today.  I've got vacuuming to do that didn't get fully finished on Sunday.  Then of course there is the dinner I'm going to make.  Tonight's menu is a casserole, one of my favorites called No Chop Pastitsio.  I love that dish but it takes about 1.5 hours between prepping and baking to create and makes a mess of the kitchen.  Later tonight, due to two appointments tomorrow, I need to bake the cookies I make each week for the soldiers my husband works with.  Luckily they are a soft, chewy cookie I'm making and will keep well even if I don't make them the night before I deliver them to the office.  One extra day won't make a hill of beans in difference in this particular recipe I chose for this week's cookie.

Sometime today I need to fit some me time in so that I can fix my ragged cuticles.  I now have hang nails from doing too much water work with my hands.  Now if only I could learn to do the dishes with my feet I'd be all set.

I'd like to slip in some time to read this afternoon but I'm not sure just when that will happen if it does at all.  I'm kind of using up most of my me time this morning with the updating of my security software and doing this blog post.  Oh well, we all have sacrifices we must make and mine are really minor when compared to the rest of the world.

So its off I go to the salt mine, err I mean Kitchen and laundry room, to finish up my morning work before lunch time hits and my husband comes home for lunch.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Paradise Returns, Well Sort Of

Well we did make to the horseback riding.  That's me in the pink and orange stripe shirt.  My husband took the photo from his horse.

My horse, Cutie, fought me the entire ride.  She rode me through tree branches, briar bushes and any other sharp object she could find.  I'm used to neck reigning and she is the standard bit with a kick.  When we got back to the corral I was told that Cutie is great for anger management as everyone loves to scream at that stubborn horse.  Okay so it wasn't my fault the ride was terrible.  At one point I almost decided to dismount and just walk the trail instead.

My husband had a wonderful mount named Neo.  Neo is a dark chocolate and white paint horse.  Think of Little Joe's horse from the television show Bonanza.    His horse responded easily to his commands.  I was told that next time I go back to High Point Equestrian Center I should ask for an advanced riders horse that is used to neck reigning and not the beginner Cutie.  Funny though, we weren't given the choice of mounts to begin with but then again this is a fledgling company that has only been open for two months.  If Cutie is a beginner's horse I'd hate to see the advanced.  Maybe it is just her stubborn temperament and the other horses will be better but, I'll have to wait until IVF is done with before I go again.  In just a few weeks we start the shots.

I'm not really sore from the saddle unlike I was in July.  This time it was only an hour ride and only one butt cheek is a bit sore.  This time I did better considering how long its been since I've ridden on an almost regular basis.  No today I'm in pain for a different reason.

Yesterday morning my two endometriomas decided to give me quite a bit of pain.  I took acetaminophen in the morning and afternoon.  Come evening I went for the percocet.  Yes, the pain got that bad.  Its still bad today.  But what really irks me is the fact that I ended up gaining back 0.6 lbs in bloat from the cysts and the use of the percocet.  Now I'm really far behind in my weight loss for the week.

I had set a goal of 2.25-2.5 lbs for the week.  If I lose 2 pounds in the next two days I'll still be on target but I don't see that happening.  Since the percocet did nothing for the pain last night I'll not take it tonight.  Today I'm going to drink extra water to get the motility of my digestive tract moving again.  With any luck I'll lose that 0.6 I gained.  My pelvic region is firm and distended today.  Not a happy camper because of that.  My clothes don't want to fit so I'm wearing sweat pants.  Its amazing what a little bloat and pain can do to cause for a loss in confidence.

Hear me whine.

Trouble In Paradise

There are days I'd just like to call it quits and run away from home.  I've now had a weekend of these days.

I do not have a self-cleaning home.  Therefore, why does my husband think I spend all day doing nothing?

Its not that I don't appreciate his hard work and sacrifices but I would like to have mine acknowledged too.  Too often he thinks that me sitting at home means that I do nothing and I have all the free time in the world to play.  Tell me when does this happen?  From the moment I hit the boards in the morning to the minute I hit the pillow at night I'm busy doing something to make his life easier.

The next few months aren't going to make our relationship any easier if he doesn't realize that I too have value in this marriage.  The next few months are going to be full of preparing for his upcoming deployment and with me being on one hell of an emotional roller coaster with the hormone injections for IVF.

So with that said, when I ask him to help out with the chores around the house so that we can get going to go on our date I expect him to be willing.  Today we had planned on going horseback riding and have a timed appointment with the place to do so.  Right now I'm thinking its not going to happen.  I told him to go for a walk because I needed a few minutes to myself to get the laundry going, change the sheets on the bed, vacuum the floor, get dressed because I had just taken a shower and I had to empty the dishwasher.  Could he have helped out with any of this?  Yes he could have.  Did he try?  Sort of.  But he purposely screwed up the making of the bed  to the point he just about short sheeted it.  Come on now, seriously dude?  The Army taught you how to make a darn bed.

So yes, I'm pissed off.  Yes this is a rant.  Do I know where he went for a walk?  Nope.  No clue when he'll be back either.  The front door and garage door are open for him.  He has the spare key too.  So its not like he is locked out.  If he wants to act immature that is his problem but for now I need some time to figure out where this all went wrong.

Maybe it started with him refusing to share the bed with me last night.  Oh yes, I'm really dishing now.  I said I wouldn't go that far in my blog but there are times that I need to vent.  He decided he wanted to sleep in his recliner.  Every time he gets ready to deploy he really turns into one hell of a dick.

Its typical of the soldiers to put up this wall to protect themselves.  If they withdraw from the family then they won't have them so much on their mind when they are deployed.  I've been told this by the chaplain in family counseling.  The thing is, I'm tired of this crap.  I could understand a month or even two weeks before they leave but he still has a bit more than that before he leaves.  Really, from what I've seen around my neighborhood my husband's attitude is no worse than that of the rest of the soldiers that are leaving in the next few months.  Everyone is on edge.

This IVF couldn't come at a worse time but its our last chance.  There won't be any more after this with my age.  I explained to him last night that a child might be the only thing I have left of him.  He said he still likes to think of himself as a kid and as invincible.  I think about reality.  I think about the what if's.  I'm a planner.  I hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  Right now I'm not liking his attitude but in a few months I know I'll most likely be missing even that bad part of him.  Heck, I miss him right now and he's just gone for a walk to blow off some steam.

Four Day Weekend

I'm so happy to finally have a long weekend with my husband.  Maybe if we are lucky we'll get the chance to go horseback riding.

Our belated birthday celebration/date night, celebrated the day after he got home, was interrupted by a well meaning friend.  Since then things have been off kilter a bit with us.  Our date was going so well up until that particular point.  No means No in my book and folks need to understand that when I tell them no.  But this person was insistent.

I'm not going to mention the person's name but seriously they over stepped their bounds and it bugs me.  I've been wanting to talk to that person but I'm not sure what to say to them.  For now I guess, until I have something nice to say to them, I'll let it go.  The time J and I  had together got mucked up by the intrusion.  Its now lost.  Our time together is precious with the upcoming year which will most likely be spent apart.

I think I'll just have to take some time to reassess some friendships I have, their boundaries, and why I'm not being taken seriously when I say no.

So for now I'm really looking forward to this long weekend.  We've been needing this time together for a while.  Soon I'll be on the hormone injections and I can't say for sure what my mood will be like or what I'll be up to besides the possible temper tantrum, crying jag, or wallowing in self-pity that too many hormones can cause.

I'm still losing weight so maybe that will be my bright light in the darkness of my moods.  Maybe I can cling to the hope that I'll reduce my risk factor even a tad.  Right now I'd score a 26 for high risk pregnancy.  10 is the minimum I'd need to be considered a high risk pregnancy.  If I can just eliminate the overweight factor I can drop it by 5 points.

So much going on in my head today, my thoughts are scattered.  But yes, I'm truly looking forward to some quality time with the manflesh.