Trouble In Paradise

There are days I'd just like to call it quits and run away from home.  I've now had a weekend of these days.

I do not have a self-cleaning home.  Therefore, why does my husband think I spend all day doing nothing?

Its not that I don't appreciate his hard work and sacrifices but I would like to have mine acknowledged too.  Too often he thinks that me sitting at home means that I do nothing and I have all the free time in the world to play.  Tell me when does this happen?  From the moment I hit the boards in the morning to the minute I hit the pillow at night I'm busy doing something to make his life easier.

The next few months aren't going to make our relationship any easier if he doesn't realize that I too have value in this marriage.  The next few months are going to be full of preparing for his upcoming deployment and with me being on one hell of an emotional roller coaster with the hormone injections for IVF.

So with that said, when I ask him to help out with the chores around the house so that we can get going to go on our date I expect him to be willing.  Today we had planned on going horseback riding and have a timed appointment with the place to do so.  Right now I'm thinking its not going to happen.  I told him to go for a walk because I needed a few minutes to myself to get the laundry going, change the sheets on the bed, vacuum the floor, get dressed because I had just taken a shower and I had to empty the dishwasher.  Could he have helped out with any of this?  Yes he could have.  Did he try?  Sort of.  But he purposely screwed up the making of the bed  to the point he just about short sheeted it.  Come on now, seriously dude?  The Army taught you how to make a darn bed.

So yes, I'm pissed off.  Yes this is a rant.  Do I know where he went for a walk?  Nope.  No clue when he'll be back either.  The front door and garage door are open for him.  He has the spare key too.  So its not like he is locked out.  If he wants to act immature that is his problem but for now I need some time to figure out where this all went wrong.

Maybe it started with him refusing to share the bed with me last night.  Oh yes, I'm really dishing now.  I said I wouldn't go that far in my blog but there are times that I need to vent.  He decided he wanted to sleep in his recliner.  Every time he gets ready to deploy he really turns into one hell of a dick.

Its typical of the soldiers to put up this wall to protect themselves.  If they withdraw from the family then they won't have them so much on their mind when they are deployed.  I've been told this by the chaplain in family counseling.  The thing is, I'm tired of this crap.  I could understand a month or even two weeks before they leave but he still has a bit more than that before he leaves.  Really, from what I've seen around my neighborhood my husband's attitude is no worse than that of the rest of the soldiers that are leaving in the next few months.  Everyone is on edge.

This IVF couldn't come at a worse time but its our last chance.  There won't be any more after this with my age.  I explained to him last night that a child might be the only thing I have left of him.  He said he still likes to think of himself as a kid and as invincible.  I think about reality.  I think about the what if's.  I'm a planner.  I hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  Right now I'm not liking his attitude but in a few months I know I'll most likely be missing even that bad part of him.  Heck, I miss him right now and he's just gone for a walk to blow off some steam.