Wednesday Woes

Well its Wednesday and I've got news to share.  I thought about making a post about my weight but decided that its well, not worthy of an entire blog post.  I did lose some weight this week.  I had gained quite a bit last week from all the eating out my spouse and I had done.  For the month I've lost a grand total of 2.8 pounds.  Its not much and its still far from what I wanted but its still in the right direction.

My hope of the Lupron injections calming down my endometriosis pain and bleeding came to a hault last night.  The pain started up before the shot and never went away after the shot.  No, the pain got worse and the bleeding started again.  Thankfully it has once again subsided.  I've kicked J to the living room on most nights now because I've become such a restless sleeper with the nightmares.  The pain also causes the restless sleep.  I'd love to have him sleep next to me but right now its just too difficult for even me to get to sleep.

I gave myself the injection last night.  I had it all prepped for J with the areas swabbed that needed to be swabbed.  He almost dropped the uncapped needle.  I then took it away from him and said I'll give myself the shot.  His hands were a bit shaky.  Maybe its because he had gotten his flu mist, anthrax vaccine and another shot yesterday.

Yes, I said Anthrax.  Its all part of him getting ready to deploy.  I'm still hopeful that someone will let him stay behind but I have my doubts.  Today he is drawing his gear for the deployment.

Because he is going to be getting equipped we canceled our marriage counseling session that was scheduled for today.  Counseling helps with the infertility issues we are facing.  As I see more doctors, and J falls asleep during the appointments, he feels like he isn't getting enough attention.  Its true, the focus has switched to my health and finding ways to improve it before we get pregnant.  I'd rather not have this particular attention.  I'm starting to feel rather used.  I feel emotions that I'm having troubles keeping to myself, thank you hormones.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my PCM, Dr. G., to renew two scripts.   Dr. G. listened to my heart and lungs and noted my murmur was audible.  Yes, I know I have a murmur.  I know it could cause more issues in pregnancy and I'll deal with that when it happens.   I did walk part of the  way to my appointment and J picked me up and drove me the rest of the way.  He was doing his pre-deployment stuff at something called SRP and with one vehicle I've learned that I can't depend upon him to be there to give me a lift.  Even though I'm not supposed to be walking far because of my back and ankle problems I find it one of the best modes of transportation.  So I walked the 2 miles back home, in pain, but I did it no less.  He had to get back to SRP and couldn't be there to chauffeur me around.

Now I'm off to go bake cookies for the soldiers at the COF.  Every other week I bake one particular type of cookie that is highly requested and this is the week that it gets baked. So today its Chewy Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip Cookies!

Day 3 Of Lupron Injections

Sunday night was the first night of the injections.  I managed to give myself the first injection in this IVF cycle.  It wasn't too difficult and my hands only shook a little as I was trying to draw the Lupron out of the vial.  Last night it was J's turn to give me the injection.  He was still nervous but no where as nervous as he was on Sunday night watching me stick my abdomen with the needle.  He was cringing on Sunday night. 

I offered to give him a shot but he refused.  I'm a bit evil at times considering I wanted to use the biggest needle we have on hand which would be the 18 gauge!  Oh, but the REI nurse said I could give him his antibiotic in an injection.  However, she was laughing so I think she didn't take me seriously.  Darn!

Around the 10th I'll be decreasing my current Lupron dosage to 5 units and start taking the next two medicines concurrently.  Three shots in one night sounds daunting especially since they won't all be the small insulin needles.  The Gonal-F is a big honking pen that looks like its going to hurt even if the needle is relatively small.  The Menopur has a Q-cap on it and a 25 gauge needle versus the 29 gauge needle of the insulin.  Still it beats the heck out of the progesterone which starts at an 18 gauge to draw then a 22 gauge to inject.

Now for the side effects I've been experiencing with the Lupron.  I've been flushing in the face shortly after the medicine is injected.  Forget restful sleep.  I've been getting increased nightmares the past two nights along with night sweats.  The headache is still there.  I've had increased urination at night which is causing my potassium levels to drop even more.  I have hypokalemia to start with so when I pee even more than usual I'm losing more of the potassium which will in turn cause my muscles to cramp up.  I had one hell of a charlie horse in my back last night.  Maybe I should increase my potato chip intake since potatoes are high in potassium, yes higher than bananas.

One good thing to note, no weight gain from the Lupron as of yet.  I say yet because I just started it this week and I've been told by family that has taken it that weight gain goes along with Lupron like steroids and weight gain are a pair.

Anniversary Weekend

Photo of our dessert at the Olympic Timber House Restaurant. 

Last year we stopped by this particular restaurant and decided we liked our meal choices so much that we'd go back again the following year.  What better time to go than on our anniversary?

We went to Poulsbo and Port Townsend for the day after getting a late start.  To save time we decided to take the Tacoma Narrows Bridge and the floating bridge cutting 30 minutes off our normal time.  Usually we take Hwy 101 up to Port Townsend and back again.  Not trying to avoid paying bridge fees but deciding to take Hwy 101 back home gave us the opportunity to stop at the restaurant with the really delicious food.

Luckily our wedding anniversary day dawned bright and sunny in the area we chose to travel to.  To the left is a photo of downtown Poulsbo.  We'd actually never been to this town before but after reading how it was a viking settlement we decided we had to stop and have a look around.

J loved the little gift shop called the Viking Maid.  Well he actually just loved the pewter drinking implements they had on display.  I thought the trolls and gnomes were really cute but over priced. 

 We stopped into just one of the town's antique shops.  I would have liked to have stayed longer but we needed to get to our final destination which would take up most of the afternoon.  So after a lunch at  an Italian restaurant in Poulsbo we hit the road once again.

By the way if you are ever headed up on this route north gas can be found cheaper at the Chevron in Chimacum than can be found on our military installation by almost 10 cents a gallon.  While that might not sound like much it is when you are refilling your gas tank.

This is a photo of the outside of the Timber House Restaurant.  The interior is worthy of quite a few photos too alas I didn't feel like offending the other diners with my flash photography nor make them feel uncomfortable by snapping pictures without flash while they try to eat in peace.

The only bad experience I had at this place would have to be a single diner that was overly loud about wanting to find a place to get her smokes and the fact that she was flossing her teeth at her table.  No manners.   I wonder if she was one of those kids that parents dreaded bringing out to eat in public.  One would think that by her age, had to be mid 30's, she'd of learned some manners.

Okay now to get away from missed manners to the food.  This trip J had the prime rib with the roasted garlic cheese toast  and I had the All natural Filet Mignon with a side order of clam chowder.  For dessert J had the creme brulee and I had the the chocolate raspberry cake.  I would highly recommend these choices along with the first dinners we ate there which were: Prosciutto Chicken and the All Natural Rib Eye.

High Risk Demands

As you can see by the photo I'm cranky today.  Its not just because of the pain I'm in.  Its not just because I started bleeding last night and I shouldn't be as of yet.  Its because someone just decided part of my life isn't that important to warrant the writing of a letter.

I had my appointment this morning with Maternal Fetal Medicine to evaluate my risk during pregnancy if the IVF results in a pregnancy.

I ran into a few snags.  First in March of 2009 I went to ER because I felt really odd.  Turned out that I had had a heart attack but they couldn't determine exactly when.  They gave me all the necessary treatments I would need but oh wait they lost the documentation on it.  GRRRR!!!  Thankfully my spouse was my witness and can testify to the fact that they stated I did have one.  It does help when I have to go appointments like I did today where they don't believe me.  Thanks Madigan for losing those records!

Yes, I do have the back ups from testing to show episodes of tachycardia from the holter monitor.  Most strenuous thing I did while wearing it was vacuum.  That shouldn't have made it go that high either.

Okay back to my major complaint.  I'm high risk with or without the heart condition.  That much was determined this morning by Dr. M.  However,  Dr. M. is refusing to write a letter stating as such that I will be high risk if the IVF cycle proves fruitful.  He said its not within his power to write such a letter.  My husband said, "actually it is.".  Dr. M. didn't like being caught on that one.  J's commander has asked for medical evidence to back up this issue that might arise.  The commander only wants a letter stating what the risk could be.  Its not that much to ask for.  But again I got refused.

Yes yet another doctor stated he wouldn't write it.  As a matter of fact he didn't care.  He stated that I would have to call the American Red Cross if I got pregnant and was put on bed rest.  Well if J deploys I still need letters from my doctors as to what is to be expected for that Family Care Plan in the event of such an emergency.

I hate getting the brush off.  Its not like I'm asking to keep him home if I'm not going to be pregnant.  I am just asking for a bloody paper stating what the risks are.  Is that too much?  I think not.

With the high blood pressure I have before pregnancy I was told today that I have a 50-50 chance of developing preclampsia, eclampsia, abrupto placenta, placenta previa.  Add in the cardiac issues and the doctor is telling me that basically I need to rethink the idea of even conceiving if indeed I do have those issues as it would be too much strain on my body. He's a guy, he can have kids.  If he were a she and wanted to have children but was infertile I think the doctor would then understand that I am indeed willing to die for it.

He then ends the discussion by telling J and I that we need to go back to REI and tell them that they can write the letter.  I tell Dr. M., again, that they were the ones that sent me to him to begin with because they said they couldn't write the letter.

So now I'll call REI and tell them what he said and start this mess all over again.

I'm so glad tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.  We need a day out of town.

****Update.  Just spoke with REI.  They said, "Its the Army, we can't help you." in response to my request for the letter.  If it was a definite thing that I was already pregnant they could possibly do something for me if they determined I was high risk.  But since its preliminary they can't help us.  However, they are deciding if they want to cancel my IVF cycle now that they realize that I have a cardiac factor.  Great, I try to help out and I get things more screwed up.  I have to learn to just keep my mouth shut.

I've Got A Clue

This week my husband and I have been playing board games instead of watching television.  Why?  Well why not?

There isn't much to watch on television that is all that entertaining.  I've also been getting bad headaches, sometimes migraines.  I'd rather not be trying to rid myself of a headache with the television on and bright lights in the room.

This is where the board games come into the picture.  The room we play our games in is the dining room and the light isn't overly bright there so it doesn't hurt my eyes.  There aren't any loud sounds or buzzing noises coming from a standard board game either.  Besides its creating some bonding time between us.

J got me the board game of CLUE for my birthday this year.  As a child we had the game at home but never really played it except to browse through the rules.  Now I know how to play the game and actually enjoy this new version where you can get your character killed off.

I've found out that J has a curse upon him when he plays clue.  The first three rounds we played of the game his character was the killer.  He told me that there has never been a game played where his character hasn't turned out to be the killer, well until last night.  Last night I tried something for him to break that curse.  I asked him to let me choose his character.  It worked.  The next round he chose his own character and again he was free of the curse.  He actually won too.

However the night was marred by a problem.  I started with really bad, felt like knife stabbing me, pelvic pain.  It continued through the night and its still there today.  I'm hoping that tomorrow it will be gone and won't be back.  This weekend we celebrate our 6th anniversary and we have plans to travel.  I'd rather not be in pain.  I don't want to have to stay home or end up in the ER because of the pain.  J is worried about me. He keeps checking his cell phone every 20 minutes to make sure he doesn't miss THAT CALL, if I need to go to the ER.  He's such a wonderful guy and I'm glad that his co-workers aren't telling him to shut off his phone, the Army can request him to do that with his job.

I was able to sit through my morning DBT seminar without passing out from the pain.  Well, see I have a tendency to hold my breath instead of breathing through the pain.  I was bent over in pain but I let the instructor know first about the problem and she was understanding.

I'm starting a rumor.  It was Scarlett in the kitchen with poison and I know she's trying to kill me!  I mean why else would I be bent over clutching my lower abdomen if she wasn't trying to poison me?  Yes, yes, I know its the endometriosis but I can still laugh at myself right?

Starting Over

Today was my first counseling session with my new psychologist.  I did an intake appointment last week Friday with a psychologist but she wasn't the one I'd be seeing today.  No, she was just the one who determined the professional I'd be a best fit for.

I figured because of all the abuse I had received in my childhood I'd best go see a counselor again.  Its been a few years since I've done a tune up on my DBT skills.

The IVF cycle is already gnawing away at my patience.  I start the injections in just a few days.  I'm not sure how its going to affect my moods as the birth control already gives me migraines.  So with that said I made the appointment, went to it and to the follow up.  I'm now signed up for the 6 week refresher course on my DBT skills.  As long as I remember to daily work on my skills I should be able to get through the remainder of this IVF cycle without too many tantrums.

DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Which really is just a set of techniques used for coping with situations.  Say I want something but I don't think I deserve the item.  I need to take a few minutes to rationalize just why I don't think I deserve the said item.  If I don't deserve the item for reasons such as: its way out of my price range, I've already bought myself a reward or someone needs something more with the money I'd spend on the said item I have to think about it more.  Do I really want it?  Why do I think I don't deserve to treat myself to the item?  Am I putting too many others above my own self and am I devaluing my own self worth by doing so?

More examples would be how I manage my anger.  I have a temper.  There I've said it.  But who am I hurting by letting my temper rule?  Me or others or both?  I could have a temper tantrum without regard to who I hurt but, it would be better and more productive to think more rationally with explaining why I'm angry.  Its not easy though, we all know that.  It is easy though to just let the shit fly.

It does go deeper than just the two examples.  I've pulled out my notebook from my last workshop on the subject.  It goes back almost 10 years.  Just one more reason why I need to refresh my skills.

Well enough about this.  I'm hungry and tired and I need to get those cookies baked.  After all it is Wednesday and I always like to have baked goods to give to the soldiers my husband works with for their Thursday treat.  Three hours sleep means I'd best get them baked so I can take a nap too.  I can shovel food into my mouth and do my baking too.  I'm particularly good at that multitasking exercise.

Sabotage

There won't be a weekly weigh-in for me this week.  No, I've been sabotaged.

Last week I had dropped an additional pound the next day after my weigh-in.  I was doing so good and really proud of the fact that I was only 1 pound away from my first 20 pound goal.

I got on the scale today.  J had yet another 3 day weekend.  I've now gained back 2 pounds.  Yup, I've failed.  My body went into starvation mode yesterday because I never got to eat my first meal of the day until after 1300 hrs.

I can handle eating out on the weekends.  I was good this weekend and I pushed about on the plate most of my food, ate the veggies and the leaner bits of protein, transferred most of the garbage food from my plate to his and what do I get from it all?  Weight gain in just one day.

My pelvic region is swollen and almost hard.  Physically I resemble the me that would be about to get her period but being on the pill with no break in for another two weeks I find that its quite impossible.

I didn't get the water intake that I needed yesterday, I was definitely short of my water by several glasses.  I was short on caloric intake even with the chocolate bar I ate for the migraine headache.  I tried, I failed.  I could explain to all of you how my husband sabotaged me and the real reason why I didn't get to eat until after 1300hrs yesterday but it's way too personal to share.  No it wasn't sex.

So now I'm very far behind on my weight loss.  I was hoping to have 10 pounds off this month.  When ever my husband comes home this always happens.  My stress level goes up, my diet gets ruined, demands are made on me and I end up caving into them which makes me put me last.  I can be my own worst enemy. 

I haven't even had time to exercise.  The most exercise I've gotten in the last 24 days since he got home is housework.  Speaking of which, I have two loads of laundry to do still and they aren't going to go do themselves.

I'm angry with me.