Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Right now, middle of the morning, J has just pulled in from a 24 hour shift. He found out yesterday morning, after going in for morning formation, that he had CQ duty that day. Again they had changed the schedule. Three times this month they changed the schedule.
Oh he still has it on the 1st of January. That part hasn't changed.
I guess I really shouldn't complain about the odd shifts he's been working since there are over 2500 soldiers deployed right now from our installation. J could have been one of them. He still is thinking that he'll be sent soon as a replacement. I'm just hoping to have him here for the IVF hard part. Well okay the easy part for him but the hard part for me. Since I have enough friends in the area if need be we could freeze his gametes and I could have a friend take me to SRM, but I'm counting my blessings that he is here still.
Because his schedule is so crazy of late our sleep schedule is off. Its no longer feeling like the holidays. I don't have the blues or anything but still it just doesn't feel right. No snow, just rain. Hardly any one has decorated their houses for the holidays unlike last year. I'm guessing again its because of so many soldiers that are deployed. Still we have children in the neighborhood, one would think that they would at least decorate for the kids.
Our stand, upon which the Christmas tree sits, is filled with gifts and I'm all "meh!" about looking at them. I guess what I really wanted this year won't be under the tree or in my womb. I look back to the first IUI we had in January and think, "I could have given birth by now". I think back to the February IUI and think the same. The March IUI would have put us with a delivery date about now and still I would have loved it. I wouldn't have cared if I delivered on Christmas or not. I just wanted a baby this year.
I'm lucky to have J here. We have time to work on finding a better us while we struggle with this infertility journey. As most couples know it is a struggle. Even today I'm finding that the birth control I'm taking is giving me some very unwanted side effects. The endo pain is seeping through enough that my bladder spasms in pain after emptying it. I just want to go to sleep and wake up with a baby kicking in my womb, not wake up in pain from health issues. I want this part of the journey to be over with. I want my happy ending, the whole fairy tale where I've conquered the ugly Red witch.