Sunday, May 19, 2013

Waiting On Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the Beta.

Tomorrow either I'll be really surprised since again the hpts were ghostlines, or I'll be upset like I am now.

Tomorrow will most likely be my last PIO shot. 

I'm crying. 

All I can think is that I've killed off another two.  Why is this happening?  What is wrong with my body?  I've been told all was good.  So why?  Just why?

Sorry readers it is going to take me a while to go through this grief of yet another non-pregnancy.  My clinic, the Army one, doesn't even recognize it as a chemical pregnancy if the beta isn't above a certain number.  So yeah the only true pregnancy I've ever had to them was the one in 1996.  So yeah why would they consider me high risk for miscarriage if to them I've only ever been pregnant once.  Even though I know I've done embryo transfers, three of them to be exact with 4 total embryos.  I feel like a non person to the Army at times.  I know there are other clinics that feel the same that if there is no heart beat it is a chemical and if the number was never high enough then it never was a pregnancy even if you had embryos put back in you.  Okay actually I feel like I'm nothing to anyone.  If I can't be a mother am I a real woman?  Sorry I'm falling into the pit of despair right now.  I'm entitled to right now.  Especially when the beta is tomorrow and all I feel is just PMS symptoms.

7 comments:

  1. Hoping tomorrow is a happy surprise for you :) xo Hang in there.

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  2. I am so sorry Rebecca. My failed ivfs were the worst. I guess these cycles are suppose to be the answer and be the one that works. My heart aches for you.

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  3. Very sorry to see this post. Hoping tomorrow gives you some unexpected news.

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  4. I am hoping you are super surprised tomorrow. Regardless, you are in my thoughts! I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

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  5. Will be thinking of and praying for you tomorrow!

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  6. I hope and wish that you are wrong. Hope can be such a b*tch. I'll be thinking of you all day.

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