Last Day Of Vacation

Photo by me of course from our vacation photos. 

Its now the last day of our vacation.  J signs back in from leave today.  Where did the time go?

Our vacation ends on a bittersweet note.  Not only am I assuredly not pregnant we have just about run out of time in which to create a baby.  Due to circumstances beyond my control we will have to soon stop trying to conceive.

Our marriage is like the thistle in the photo, beautiful but full of thorns.  For every good thing that happens we have had troubles.  I think that the thorns might be a protective mechanism.

I'm not trying to be a gloomy gus.  Its quite possible with modern technology, though not available to military dependents, I could conceive a child.  However, I must now realize that my door is closing.  Next week Friday I have an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to go over what the next plan of attack is and see if some of those thorns can be removed without damage.  I know the next step is going to be painful and will most likely involve surgery.  There comes a point though when I have to make a reality check and see if its all worth it.  While I want a child of my own really bad is it worth the risk to my health?

In less than a week I'll be turning 42.  I'm high risk with the asthma, hypertension, obesity, and advanced age.  Will my life mean less if I am unable to bear a child?  I've been pregnant before and miscarried.

So with this last day of vacation I'm chomping at the bit wanting to put my cares in a bag and boot it out of the house with it going in one direction and me in the other.  I want to enjoy the rare sunshine.  I don't want to think about what is coming up.  There is more on my plate right now than just the infertility.  There are things I'm not just not allowed to discuss and probably won't be able to discuss for many months, most likely never in detail.  Suffice it to say life is going to continue to have its thorns for a while and those thorns are probably protecting me and mine more than I'm going to admit.