In Darkness there is Light and Hope

My living room lit only by the tree.

This year I know will be my last Christmas while trying to conceive.  We are wrapping things up.  It isn't that we don't have hope but that we are realizing that it isn't just the age of my eggs, even if they are still plentiful and good quality, it is the zona pellucida that has thickened making penetration by the sperm difficult and add in a hostile uterus.

We've created babies together.  We've lost them together.  Our marriage is still intact though wounded.  Come April we'll be deciding what our next step is together.

I'll be hoping for lighter, brighter time together without having timed intercourse.  Without worrying if we can afford another treatment.  Without the stress and limitations I think our marriage will once again blossom.

In 2000 I remember while visiting my parents, my neighbor brought over her granddaughter and daughter.  I was to be very happy for her, the daughter that was always a bully.  The grandmother said to me I'll have one someday too.  I told her I'll never get pregnant again.  Well I did get pregnant again, and again, and again, but I've never to have had that chance to hold my own baby.  I wonder if I didn't have endometriosis if I would have been able to do donor eggs?

Now I just hope for a miracle that my endometriosis doesn't get worse.  I hope for better times.  I hope that all my infertile friends will find a way to become parents.

My true hope if for all of you out there.  I hope that you find joy and peace this holiday season no matter where you are on your life paths.