Wednesday, December 12, 2012

In Darkness there is Light and Hope

My living room lit only by the tree.

This year I know will be my last Christmas while trying to conceive.  We are wrapping things up.  It isn't that we don't have hope but that we are realizing that it isn't just the age of my eggs, even if they are still plentiful and good quality, it is the zona pellucida that has thickened making penetration by the sperm difficult and add in a hostile uterus.

We've created babies together.  We've lost them together.  Our marriage is still intact though wounded.  Come April we'll be deciding what our next step is together.

I'll be hoping for lighter, brighter time together without having timed intercourse.  Without worrying if we can afford another treatment.  Without the stress and limitations I think our marriage will once again blossom.
In 2000 I remember while visiting my parents, my neighbor brought over her granddaughter and daughter.  I was to be very happy for her, the daughter that was always a bully.  The grandmother said to me I'll have one someday too.  I told her I'll never get pregnant again.  Well I did get pregnant again, and again, and again, but I've never to have had that chance to hold my own baby.  I wonder if I didn't have endometriosis if I would have been able to do donor eggs?

Now I just hope for a miracle that my endometriosis doesn't get worse.  I hope for better times.  I hope that all my infertile friends will find a way to become parents.

My true hope if for all of you out there.  I hope that you find joy and peace this holiday season no matter where you are on your life paths.



12 comments:

  1. Your Christmas tree is very pretty. I hope that 2013 is filled with a few nice surprises and healing time with your husband.

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    1. I'm really hopeful for you with your three follicles.

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  2. What a tough decision that you all have made for your family. No doubt it has been well thought out.

    I am very glad that you are looking forward to your future, no matter what path you are taking!

    I know it is hard. While I have faced a different circumstance, I can relate a lil. I wanted so much for my son's seed planter to stop hitting me, to stop ..well everything. When should I say enough?

    Sprint to the finish line! Dont ease up because the end of (anything may be near) SPRINT!

    Your tree looks AWESOME btw!

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    1. Actually I have faced a circumstance like yours. My first marriage I was pregnant and it didn't stop the man from hitting me. Best thing I could have done was divorce him and get on with a real life where I had choices.

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    2. It is so hard to know when to "adjust fire" with our lives.

      its so hard to know what the right answer is!

      I hope to get my lil butt in gear and get an xmas tree here soon

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  3. Keeping you in my thoughts as you make these hard decisions (*hugs*) And as always, hoping for you.

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    1. So much to do in so very little time.

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  4. Wishing you all the best, Rebecca, this holiday season and in the coming year.

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  5. Pretty picture! Wishing wonderful things for you in this coming year :) You deserve it!

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