Monday, April 9, 2012

Finding Some Hope In Job

I didn't go to church yesterday.  I slept until 1100 hrs.  I've been really tired.  I was up at various times throughout Saturday night into the wee hours of Sunday morning.  At 0500 hrs on Sunday morning I reached for my bible.  No I'm not a religious person.  I am more spiritual than anything.

Deciding to read a chapter from the book of Job really helped.  Job knows what its like to lose everything and still have faith.  Right now it feels like I'm losing everything.

In the past few months I've had heart ache from repeat miscarriages.

I've lost my health to the point that at times I think I should just give up and let them hospitalize me and run all those blasted tests.

I've lost my close connection to my spouse with these fertility treatments.

Now I have to begin to find my way back to a more normal life.  My faith may just be the only thing that gets me through the rough patches.

I'm just so tired.  I wish it were only depression.  Come 1400 hrs I'm yawning with fatigue.  Probably from trying to do way too much in one day.  I keep forgetting that my doctors have told me to take it easy on myself.  I keep trying to be just like any other healthy gal my age.  I don't like to think about my limitations.  I feel like a wuss if I stop and nap, or even rest.  My job is at home and taking care of that home.  If I can't take care of my home then am I of use?  I have worth, just not much use since my infertility had made being a mom next to impossible.  Most Army Wives my age have a brood of children, work from home or away from it, volunteer, and still find time to be close to their spouse.  I'm not sure how they do it.

So this is where I find myself today.  I have some hope when I read the book of Job.  If he can make it I think I just might be able to as well.


  1. I'm so sorry you are in a bad place. I'm thinking of you.

  2. Sorry you are feeling blue. This whole journey is tough, and you have all the other uncertinaly as well about J, deloyment etc. That is a lot to have on your plate.

    Hopefully the weather will improve and you can go out into your garden. I am sure it will make you feel better.

    1. Thank you for your concern. Yesterday the weather was beautiful but I still don't trust the temps to stay up overnight enough to put the seedlings outside. I might just re-pot a few more of them for more growing space before they go outside later this month. Last week we had hail.

  3. So sad to hear that you are not in a good way. You really need to take some time out to rest - even two hours a day - don't be afraid to take that 14h00 nap.... and don't compare yourself to others. They haven't been through what you've been through xx

    1. True. Today I'm just doing a single load of laundry. Yesterday I did way too much again with vacuuming, cooking, and various other cleaning. Now I'm almost too tired to make the fudge I wanted to make today. I might have to put it off for another day.


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