Friday, April 27, 2012

Sometimes You Have To Let It Out

This morning I had just had enough.  I actually screamed out loud in the house.  No one was around but I'm sure the landscapers heard me and so did my spouse as he was pulling into the driveway.

J and I share the vehicle.  He brought me to my psychologist appointment this morning.  This was a bad week.

I vented to my therapist about how my doctors and my spouse just aren't listening to me.  J just blankly stares at me and treats me like I'm glass at times, its so annoying.  My RE doctors just don't care what I think it is or that I'm in pain, or at least it feels like that most visits.  I mean why aren't they doing something about my endometriosis?

I told my therapist about how I'm upset that I'm still not pregnant.  That I'm facing a ticking time bomb in my womb and should probably just give up now.

JD and I talked for the hour about my issues, how I'm taking care of my needs and a possible plan to make sure that I'm getting what I need from others.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make the doctors listen to me but I am going to make sure my spouse listens.

On the way home I just cried.  I'm so tired of fighting.  Why can't any of this just be easy?  Why are my doctors ignoring me?

I sort of have the results from the stomach biopsy, my doctor called and apologized for being so behind in his paperwork of which still hasn't been mailed to me.  I have a small gastric ulcer and my GERD is bad.  Well I knew that the GERD was bad and I kind of figured I had an ulcer months ago.  He asked if I was still in pain and I said yes on the left side just under the ribs.  He ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder.  Okay I'll get it done but the gallbladder is mid-line in the abdomen.  Unless its created a gall stone that is blocking a duct in the pancreas I doubt its the gall bladder.  The pancreas is the only other thing on the left side besides the large intestine.  I'm thinking its more likely my large intestine but I'm not a doctor.  I have IBS and the large intestine gets irritated easily.  The pain radiates around to my back on just the left side.

17 comments:

  1. Oh hon. I'm sorry. I know where you're coming from. This week has been a trying one for so many I care about and that sucks because I don't want any of you to suffer. I'm glad you were able to talk to JD. And I hope that the conversation gave you some insight for how to talk to J.

    Hang in there and be good to yourself this weekend.

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    1. Funny what got J to listen last night was what a man said in a news story about his women. He is a comedian and on his third marriage and has several daughters. He said men are willing to change for the right woman. He also said that a guy should just do what his wife wants and he'll be happy too. Your choice is happy or think. Don't think about how often she wants the couch moved, just do it and you'll both be happy. Kind of true. If only more men would realize that our requests are often just that simple relationships would be easier.

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  2. It sucks when Drs don't listen. That is when I get a new Dr. Glad you let it all out and are going to make sure you get what you need. IF sucks! I can only imagine how much you have gone through. Hugz!

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    1. I only wish I could afford a new doctor. Military health care for the family members is only a benefit and it can be taken away at any time with budget cuts because it is not an entitlement. Health care for the active duty soldier is an entitlement. What this means is that I just need to suck up the quality of care issues and realize that I'm just lucky to have health care at all.

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  3. gah! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time hon. I know how frustrating medical issues and infertility can be. We should be able to be healthy and conceive...it's just not fair.

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    1. I wish it was easy for us. I wish my health care included better doctors and better care.

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  4. Hoping you feel better soon, emotionally and physically :) ((hugs))

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  5. Sorry for the bad week (*hugs*) I hope that people start listening to you.

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    1. They probably won't listen. If I file a complaint about the care all it will do is make more difficulty for me in finding a provider.

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  6. I am sorry that you are having to deal with Drs who are not investigating your issues more deeply. I was going to suggest seeking treatment outside the military, but realize it is not a realistic option due to insurance, but maybe a doing an endometriosis consult out-of-pocket just to get some more information? Not sure, I am probably not being helpful, but I just feel bad that you are in this position.

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    1. I'm starting to think that they are afraid to tell me that there is a cap to my medical care. If I were a soldier I'd be entitled to better health care however for the families health care is a benefit and we must just accept that fact. We aren't going to get what we want or need every time. There is just only so much that the doctors are allowed to do for us with our broken health care system.

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  7. :(

    I am so sorry you're going through all this. IF is impossible on its own. You have so many other problems and pains. I am so sorry.

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    1. I have no clue what a pain free day is any more. I wish I did.

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear you've had a rough few days. What will they do to treat your ulcer? I'm a GERD girl, too. I think gall bladder pain presents as pain on one side--not sure which one, but maybe it's left and that's why your doc is ordering the u/s.

    It's very hard to go through IF with a male spouse. I mean, I know women must be a TON of fun to go through this with--I know I'm a pain in the neck--but it's so hard to bridge the distance between communication styles sometimes.

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    1. Unfortunately the gall bladder sits the right of the midline and my pain is on the left side just under the ribs going to the back. However, a gallstone could cause a blockage in the the ducts in the pancreas causing some of this pain. I can't rule the gallbladder out for sure until I get the ultrasound done and discuss the results with my primary care doctor. Hopefully this turns out to be nothing serious. I've been telling my various doctors for two years that I have pain on the left side and it feels like something is being caught under the ribs. I swear they don't listen.

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    2. Oh and I'm on prilosec, have been for three weeks, for the GERD. I was on it for about 10 years when ttc made it so I had to go off it.

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